Acceptable versus Passable Versus Standing Out

[msginaadoll]

When I first started dressing I so wanted to "Stand Out". I wanted to look like that gorgeous supermodel or the latest TV star. My skirts were short my tops were tight, my wig was long. I felt like in a way I was competing with the other CDs out there in a beauty pageant. One of the problems with that I always felt that I came up short. I would never look like the drag queens in the shows or those perfect CDS with their flawless makeup. In some ways I felt like I was wearing a costume- a boy in a dress. I would only venture out to the safe havens of gay/lesbian bars or for a ride in my car. Im not sure when it changed, maybe just getting older and experiencing more things and reading on this forum, I started wanting to be "Passible". To me this meant looking like as much of my verision of a stereotypical female as possible. A modern day Donna Reed. A little longer skirts, classy looking blouses, heels, etc. The only problem with this is I never felt like I could pass. I no longer felt like in a costume, but i started being concerned that I was too tall, too fat, too big nose, too smalll but.... I started venturing out more in public, generally ignored but at times got a few questionable looks. Finally I seem to be moving into a stage where I just want to be "Acceptable". I want to wear clothes that are appropriate for the situation. I can feel as feminine in slacks as skirts. Heels are still fun, but so are flats. It is beginning to feel more normal to go to the mall, etc. What is interesting is I seem be blending in, people are not staring when I go out. I get called Maam or miss at times. I am generally accepted like any other woman because that is who I am presenting myself as. I dont claim by any means to be fooling anyone, I am just being me. In doing so more people seem to be accepting who I am. I guess that makes me content.

[Sara Jessica]

And as such, you have achieved a sense of TG nirvana!!!

Besides, how would one know if they "pass"? That's why I'm not all that fond of that term. I prefer to go about my business, blend in and be treated like any other woman out there. Makes things much easier and less-stressful.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

"What...me worry?" Alfred E Neuman, Mad Magazine.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[Bev06 GG]

Well Sara is right thats as good as it gets. We would all like to look like the super model who walks down the cat walk but for most of us that isn't going to happen, GG or CD. But making the best of what you have and being content with the look is the stuff that success is made of.
take care
Bev

[Barbara918]

Amen Sara. Too many CDs feel passing = "I'm a man wearing women's clothing in a public place and nobody knows." I believe this definition keeps many CDs from going out. I say passing = "I'm a man wearing women's clothing in a public place and nobody objects."

[Teri Jean]

Sara,
Good for you and as we get out more often the more people will accept us for who we are not someone who is a freak. Keep going and have fun. Does that mean that I have to get rid of my minis? Hope not.LOL

Huggs Keli

[PretzelGirl]

Amen Sara. Too many CDs feel passing = "I'm a man wearing women's clothing in a public place and nobody knows." I believe this definition keeps many CDs from going out. I say passing = "I'm a man wearing women's clothing in a public place and nobody objects."

:iagree: If no one objects, then some feel they "passed" but you can't tell if they didn't notice or don't care. So I would think the don't care is the best definition.

[vikki2020]

It's good that you are starting to enjoy your outings, instead of fretting over all the details, but I think that it's a natural progression for most of us, as we get out more and more.Although I love to get a little attention when I'm out, walking around and getting no reaction from others is probably the best I can ask for!

[Sarah Doepner]

my mantra has not been "Passable" but "Pass me by". Just give me enough time to get around the corner before they say "was that a guy?" You are doing well if you find your comfort zone, whether it's in slacks in the mall, in a mini at the club, or as Donna Reed in your closet at home.

[deja true]

... It is beginning to feel more normal to go to the mall, etc. What is interesting is I seem be blending in, people are not staring when I go out. I get called Maam or miss at times. I am generally accepted like any other woman because that is who I am presenting myself as. I dont claim by any means to be fooling anyone, I am just being me. In doing so more people seem to be accepting who I am. I guess that makes me content.

Oh, Lordy! It took me ages to gather up enough courage to get my skinny ass out on the street ... and the worry was always passability! If I didn't pass was I gonna get arrested? ...beat up? ... have my whole life taken away from me and be relegated to the slums with the rest of the pond scum?

Of course in those times I had never met another trans person and only knew the "type" I was from the tabloids and the LCD daytime shows of freaks and pervs! God that was a horrible, guilt ridden, mentally draining time!

Only a few months ago, it seems now, did this place and some of the magnificently intelligent and sensitive people here help me realize that we were all as varied as the world's population as a whole and not just a subset of a subset of the deviant and perverse, the degenerated dregs of a culture that was quickly going to hell in a handbasket. It was an epiphany to me that we included as many angels as devils, as many visionaries as clueless and as many blessed philosophers as cursed debauchees. And a very important lesson indeed, that we all...each and every one of us ... corporate executive, street person, truck driver, college student ... was a human being above all else ... and a blessed human being at that.

So I gave up on passability and gave up on the fear of the dire consequences that would result from being read. I strove for acceptance. I was happy to be able to walk the streets, go into shops, sit in restaurants and be treated like anybody else. Or maybe even better!

(I can't say that any of us are treated like normal women, because it seems that in our adventures we actually may be treated even better than run-of-the-mill female customers! If we're read, and if we're polite and respectable customers, we attract more attention from those who serve us. We are something special in their day, and deserving of a little more attention and a little more time spent than just a regular customer that might be "just looking".)

Acceptance is my goal, and in gaining confidence, I've actually expanded my goal to include trying to "stand out", but in a good way. I usually just assume that I've been read. And as long as there's evidence that all is cool with the SA, I try to engage them in conversation about folks like us. (In fact, I've occassionally been told that I've outted myself when I didn't have to! But I enjoy the conversations and I like to think that by showing normal people that we're just normal people too, that somewhere down the line another girl or boy is gonna benefit from that little chat!)

:)

Sorry about the long story, but this is an important thing for me. I don't wanna hide ... been doing that for too many decades as it is.

[Rachel Morley]

That's excellent! .... and yep, that's the goal for many of us (me included). Passing is great if it happens but to be "close enough" that people feel comfortable treating you as if you were the gender you are trying to present as ... that's the main thing IMHO :2c:

[Sara Jessica]

my mantra has not been "Passable" but "Pass me by". Just give me enough time to get around the corner before they say "was that a guy?"


That's a great way to put it Sarah, I like it a lot!!!

Reminds me, I was out all day yesterday and passed by this hispanic gentleman who was talking to one of the employees of this outdoor mall I was at. Didn't really catch his eye beforehand but did so as I passed him by and he then said something to the effect of "esa un mujer" ("this is a woman"). Now my Spanish is kind of rusty but I was able to understand not only the words but also his inflection (as in it was a statement rather than a question). Moral of this little tale, at least he didn't say "esa un hombre"!!!

[karynspanties]

In my younger days, when I was smaller and had hair, my wife would do my hair and make-up. I never was "passable", but I did blend in very well. Now that I am older, it's getting harder to blend in. For me blending in, is looking good enough that poeple notice me and realize that I am a man, but I look gooed enough as to not draw attention to myself. Thus, blending in. Back in the "old days", I could wear my wifes clothes, she was an 8-10. I hit a growth spurt at 22. I grew 2 1/2 inches in one year! Now I am 44 and wear a size 18 in pants. Size 16 is just a bit too tight, it won't be before too long. I am trying to get down to a size 14. There is no way I will be able to get any smaller without looking sickly. Hopefully, when I reach my goal, I will thin out in my face and stomach enough to regain some of my blend ability.

[Nicole Erin]

Yeah if you are comfy with yourself very few will give you a hard time.
That is, if you are dressing to best flatter your looks. As in, not trying to draw attention. Age and figure appropriate clothing, men's or women's, will not draw attention. If you are 50 years old, 6 foot plus, and trying to dress like Britney Spears, that WILL draw attention.

The problem is, that confidence takes a long time to develop. I think when it really sets in is when you finally realise that no one cares. How do you learn that? I think it happens when you go out somehow hoping to get noticed and it doesn't happen, you kind of say "F-it" and realise people aren't paying attention or just don't care.

The only people who do really casre how you dress are the same people who have a problem with everything and everyone, so their comments to or about you do not make you special.

[msginaadoll]

In many ways it was almost shocking to the system not to get noticed. Here I am out and about and nobody is paying attention. Im trying on shoes at payless and another lady is next to me-m and shes not running for cover. Then it became a relief and a blessing. I go into a store and Im treated like any other customer- can I help you with anything, etc. Sitting on the bench at the mall and being approached by an elderly gentleman asking for directions to the Kirby Grill. I guess the true test will come when I get the remarks, or the name calling, etc. Then the question is where do I go from there. I hope its just to keep pushing on.

[Tasha McIntyre]

Amen Sara. Too many CDs feel passing = "I'm a man wearing women's clothing in a public place and nobody knows." I believe this definition keeps many CDs from going out. I say passing = "I'm a man wearing women's clothing in a public place and nobody objects."

:iagree:


I'm just starting to find my feet in the world and I know I ain't fooling anyone that really looks (too tall, big shoulders, main gait etc). My very limited experiences have been overwhelmingly neutral, some positive but most importantly, no negatives or no objections. To me that's a pass.

Tash :)

[Carly D.]

Acceptably passable.. or something like that.. I wish that I could achieve that.. I think at best I am ok.. maybe not recognizable while dressed up.. and that would be good.. and as far as standing out is concerned I think anyone who dresses up head to toe, either a woman or man cross dressing, is going to stand out, because women don't dress up that much anymore.. so we (cross dressers) will garner more attention because of this fact that women dress up rarely.. I know that's not what your original intent was on this thread but that is my feeling towards the general overall condition, as it were.. that no matter how well you are dressed up people will look at you when dressed up fem... if you pass or are at least presenting as best as can be in female mode you (we) will garner curiosity of those who will look to see.. I do it (look at a well dressed woman) and that's just the way I have been.. the way I am..

[Sophie_C]

This is EXACTLY what i've posted about before. If you're not going to go all the way, 1000% and transition, then just do the best you can, ACCEPT yourself as a crossdresser, don't apologize for it, one bit, and (most) people will respect you, in return.

You've realized he proper balance for yourself.

Isn't that wonderful?