sandra-leigh
07-12-2009, 10:54 PM
In this last month... either something broke in me and I couldn't take the hiding of "me" anymore, or else something healed in me to the point where I didn't need to hide anymore. I still don't know which.
For those of you who haven't happened to follow the threads I posted.
Briefly, I am a transgender (but not transsexual) crossdresser. More likely to be found gender-bending than getting all dressed up. The feelings of the two are different: getting all dressed up feels like "visiting", gender-bending feels more like "completing" me. But I know part of the difference in feeling is in my own mind, how comfortable I feel in being male but wearing distinctly female clothing (e.g., if I'm going to wear a pretty dress with a distinct bodice, I'm going to feel uncomfortable without a wig on.
There is no "transgender" section here; one of the mods indicated that I should talk about transgender in the MTF forum (the transsexual forum has other purposes.)
So, in the last four weeks:
- I came out to my GP (as CD + TG) about 3 1/2 weeks ago... He pushed me a bit to stop sitting on the fence: that if that is who I am then I should accept the consequences and get on with it, as I wouldn't be happy until I did, in his opinion.
- I came out to my sister (as CD+TG) on the phone about a week later... I was planning to come out to her in person on my visit a few days later, but telling her was the easiest way to assure her that I had been building a support network (around something) and that my life wasn't completely unhappy like it might otherwise have seemed. My sister was great about it.
- Less than a week after that, I had a long walk and talk with my mother, preparing her first and then telling her what the heck I was talking about (CD+TG) She understood and accepted a lot more than I would have expected -- she was happy that I was actively working on trying to find myself and find a better / more sustainable role in the world.
- Today, I came out on the phone as (CD+TG) to my best friend, 1000-ish miles away. He didn't specifically support me, but he did say that based upon my lead up he was afraid I was heading towards something much more serious than something relatively tame like CD + TG, and he said he had pretty liberal attitudes. He thanked me for feeling that I could tell him. We had to cut the conversation a bit short (someone else came by), but I'm pretty sure he'll be okay with it. It might take a bit of adjustment for him (I've known him over 20 years), but knowing his wife, I believe that the next time I happen to be in town, I'll be invited over for supper as Tess (or at least as gender-bending) -- we've gone through too much together over the years for him not to accept me as I am.
There isn't anyone left now that I feel "deserves" to know I can think of one old friend back home that I think would be comfortable with the -fact- of me being CD+TG (but don't know how he'd feel seeing me in practice); perhaps I'll tell him some day. One old friend... it feels like I've already lost him, that I'm not "interesting enough" to bother speaking about anything serious about. The third... I would likely lose, I don't think he could ever understand or accept :( (on the other hand, a lot of his life and distancing from us would make a lot more sense if it turned out that he is a self-torturing closet CD....) But I seldom interact with those people now.. you get that kind of effect when you've lived 1000 miles away for more years than you spent growing up together.
I'm not completely sure if it was a break-*through* or a break-*down* that triggered me to come out to "everyone relevant" (except my workplace) in such a short time.
How does it feel...
- a relief to tell my sister, as I already knew I could tell her and could actively talk to her about it, but needed the proverbial "good time" {relative to what was going on in her life} to tell her.
- A sense of "Now I'm committed to it" from having told my mother -- not in a bad way, but telling your mother is like burning a bridge, it isn't a joke or a fad or something you'll "grow out of" anymore, it's Real... it's now something that I'm Going To Have To Live With, not something I can tuck away in my closet and pretend that "I could give it up if I wanted to, I just don't want to." Even when you know your mother loves you, telling her is hard, for psychological reasons beyond mere "love" or "acceptance" of a particular person. A mother is, in part, a symbol... and telling your (living) parents is psychologically important if becoming openly CD or TG (at least in the community as a whole) is somewhere in the works for you.
- I haven't really processed telling my friend yet, but again telling those who know you the best is part of internalizing the facts. I've been going out amongst strangers for years as CD and/or TG, but those were strangers, not people who knew me and whose opinion was important to me. To tell my friend... in a way, it was also telling myself.
It doesn't matter how many times you've been to a CD / TG friendly place amongst strangers, you aren't really "out" until you've told the most important people in your life, the people you respect. And being "out", really out, not just to strangers but to family and practically-family... it is somewhat scary, at least until you see how they really treat you in practice.
For those of you who haven't happened to follow the threads I posted.
Briefly, I am a transgender (but not transsexual) crossdresser. More likely to be found gender-bending than getting all dressed up. The feelings of the two are different: getting all dressed up feels like "visiting", gender-bending feels more like "completing" me. But I know part of the difference in feeling is in my own mind, how comfortable I feel in being male but wearing distinctly female clothing (e.g., if I'm going to wear a pretty dress with a distinct bodice, I'm going to feel uncomfortable without a wig on.
There is no "transgender" section here; one of the mods indicated that I should talk about transgender in the MTF forum (the transsexual forum has other purposes.)
So, in the last four weeks:
- I came out to my GP (as CD + TG) about 3 1/2 weeks ago... He pushed me a bit to stop sitting on the fence: that if that is who I am then I should accept the consequences and get on with it, as I wouldn't be happy until I did, in his opinion.
- I came out to my sister (as CD+TG) on the phone about a week later... I was planning to come out to her in person on my visit a few days later, but telling her was the easiest way to assure her that I had been building a support network (around something) and that my life wasn't completely unhappy like it might otherwise have seemed. My sister was great about it.
- Less than a week after that, I had a long walk and talk with my mother, preparing her first and then telling her what the heck I was talking about (CD+TG) She understood and accepted a lot more than I would have expected -- she was happy that I was actively working on trying to find myself and find a better / more sustainable role in the world.
- Today, I came out on the phone as (CD+TG) to my best friend, 1000-ish miles away. He didn't specifically support me, but he did say that based upon my lead up he was afraid I was heading towards something much more serious than something relatively tame like CD + TG, and he said he had pretty liberal attitudes. He thanked me for feeling that I could tell him. We had to cut the conversation a bit short (someone else came by), but I'm pretty sure he'll be okay with it. It might take a bit of adjustment for him (I've known him over 20 years), but knowing his wife, I believe that the next time I happen to be in town, I'll be invited over for supper as Tess (or at least as gender-bending) -- we've gone through too much together over the years for him not to accept me as I am.
There isn't anyone left now that I feel "deserves" to know I can think of one old friend back home that I think would be comfortable with the -fact- of me being CD+TG (but don't know how he'd feel seeing me in practice); perhaps I'll tell him some day. One old friend... it feels like I've already lost him, that I'm not "interesting enough" to bother speaking about anything serious about. The third... I would likely lose, I don't think he could ever understand or accept :( (on the other hand, a lot of his life and distancing from us would make a lot more sense if it turned out that he is a self-torturing closet CD....) But I seldom interact with those people now.. you get that kind of effect when you've lived 1000 miles away for more years than you spent growing up together.
I'm not completely sure if it was a break-*through* or a break-*down* that triggered me to come out to "everyone relevant" (except my workplace) in such a short time.
How does it feel...
- a relief to tell my sister, as I already knew I could tell her and could actively talk to her about it, but needed the proverbial "good time" {relative to what was going on in her life} to tell her.
- A sense of "Now I'm committed to it" from having told my mother -- not in a bad way, but telling your mother is like burning a bridge, it isn't a joke or a fad or something you'll "grow out of" anymore, it's Real... it's now something that I'm Going To Have To Live With, not something I can tuck away in my closet and pretend that "I could give it up if I wanted to, I just don't want to." Even when you know your mother loves you, telling her is hard, for psychological reasons beyond mere "love" or "acceptance" of a particular person. A mother is, in part, a symbol... and telling your (living) parents is psychologically important if becoming openly CD or TG (at least in the community as a whole) is somewhere in the works for you.
- I haven't really processed telling my friend yet, but again telling those who know you the best is part of internalizing the facts. I've been going out amongst strangers for years as CD and/or TG, but those were strangers, not people who knew me and whose opinion was important to me. To tell my friend... in a way, it was also telling myself.
It doesn't matter how many times you've been to a CD / TG friendly place amongst strangers, you aren't really "out" until you've told the most important people in your life, the people you respect. And being "out", really out, not just to strangers but to family and practically-family... it is somewhat scary, at least until you see how they really treat you in practice.