Want to or have to?

[Jan W]

Dear Girls and Boys,

Of late my transgenderness has been in growth mode. Going from strength to strength.

My feelings are becoming confusing regarding my future direction.

I think my question applies to both crossdressing and or transitioning.

Most of us acknowledge our behaviour is not 'curable'.

Do we have to behave this way or do we want to?

I like my feminine self and do not want to give her up. (even if I could)

How do others feel about this?


Jan

[trannie T]

I don't think I have much choice so don't worry about it. I dress because I have to and I am happiest when I am dressed.

[latitude45]

I'm just finding myself and I definitely want this!

[Pattie O]

I feel the same,I enjoy dressing when I can and feel unable to give up my femme self.It now feels like it there is no choice because i am just coming to accept that this is who I am and if I can get to that acceptance level I dont want to back pedal and become suppressed again.I've given up the idea of purging (at least) and that gives me better choices I think

Pattie:daydreaming::battingeyelashes:

[StacyCD]

I have to breath to live but I don't have to dress to do so. Although I feel a certain need to express myself through my dressing, for me personally, since I am a heterosexual crossdresser with no intention of ever transitioning, I would still be able to live without crossdressing. I might be more difficult to live with but somehow I'd probably survive. I also hope that I never have to make a choice to give it up.

[Miranda09]

I have discovered a very important part of my personality and there is NO WAY i'm giving her up. My male and female personas will just have to learn to get along with each other!!!! :D
I do this because I want to, not because I have to. It can be a confusing issue and everyone must handle it in their own way. As for transitioning, not really interested in that as I like my male self way too much for that.

[Tasha McIntyre]

Hi Jan,

I firmly believe that you can't help the way you feel, but you can control your voluntary actions (to a certain extent). I cannot stop the urge to CD any more than I can stop feeling hungry if I miss a meal, but I can stop the physical act of dressing....albeit to the extreme detriment of my mental health :sad:

Just my :2c:

Tash :)

[Teri Jean]

Jan,
It is really timely as I have been really struggling with what I want to do from here on and where and how far I want to take my femme side. I want to believe there is a crest to where I will finally realize this is it but not at this point. Transition or partially transition.
I have to set up an appointment to see a therapst and get help with where I am going.

Teri

[Samantha Girl]

I agree with 99% of what Miranda said ;) I'd only disagree with the need thing. I don't know that I'll always do this, but at this time in my life, I NEED to do this! :D

[Lorileah]

I wear what I want to. The clothes themselves don't change my thinking or how I view myself. In my mind I am always the same person, and amazingly it is not the person who looks back at me in the mirror. I hate that

[Sarah Doepner]

I know I want to dress, but do I really need to? Probably not, but I can tell everyone this; When I don't get the chance to dress for longer periods of time I get cranky, short tempered and obsessive about things that normally wouldn't bother me. Why is that?

I could live the rest of my life without ever dressing again, but I would be willing to guess that the quality of life would be lower and the stress involved would be higher, and the time available would be less because of that stress.

[TJ Tresa]

I have discovered a very important part of my personality and there is NO WAY i'm giving her up. My male and female personas will just have to learn to get along with each other!!!! :D
I do this because I want to, not because I have to. It can be a confusing issue and everyone must handle it in their own way. As for transitioning, not really interested in that as I like my male self way too much for that.

I agree, I do not want to transition nor give up my male working parts. I kinda like mr happy, little willie, or whatever you want to call it. However I wouldn't mind having a size 38c breasts. :heehee:

[kayesimone]

i like what Tasha said...I am much happier when i take the time and action to be me...

[AlannahNorth]

How about a 'good news, bad news' presentation on this?

From where I am:

Bad News: I crossdress because I can't stop.

Good News: I now have a balance in my life I never knew before.

The fact is, even the people who don't know what my private 'hobby' is can see that I'm doing better (as a person) than they've ever seen me do before. I've had it described as "a beautiful blend, a balance of male and female energies...". This was in front of about 40 to 50 people, most of whom were strangers. It was rather a mixed moment, but well worth it.

[AlannahNorth]

I have to add to my response.

This is not something I would willingly give up. If for some I reason I absolutely had to - okay - then once the balance of things were changed I'd be back, and a lot happier for it. I would not want to lose either personna, because I love having the choice.

[CD Susan]

For me it is a matter of need and not want. I have this need to express my feminine side and this is a feeling that is always with me. I cannot stop dressing any more than I could not stop breathing and continue to be alive. Being a cd is not something that I chose to be but rather it chose me even before I was born. I would not want to stop being a cd even if I could. It is just the way that I am and there is no way that it is ever going to change.

[Aeva]

I can say with absolute certainty that I have no choice in the matter. But it's easier to do something that you have to do if you think you also want it. I guess thats where acceptance comes from; you come to realize fighting it will grind you down, but with an open mind, the alternative isn't all bad.

But it's rightly all the same, have vs want. Sort of a glass half empty or half full :drink: But I can say if you feel trapped, you're your own warden.

[PrincessTia]

I don't have to do this. I have kept it closeted, even from myself, for long periods, especially when my wife went through her freak out phase. I just put it away and tried not to think about it.

I don't need this in order to live a decent life. But, I do need this if I am to be who I am. I'm blessed in that I have an ability to compartmentalize facets of myself. It can make things easier if needs be. But, it does, and will come out if kept bottled up for too long.

Tia

[ginafaye]

i love to dress im glad i have a suportive wife ,but if it had to stop,i could it would be like losing a leg or any thing that was really important,sooner or later i would adjust to the loss..........

[Lisa Golightly]

My feminine side is me... I'm just a Lisa.

[Samantha Girl]

My feminine side is me... I'm just a Lisa.


Nice! :)

[Marcy_in_hose]

I dress because it makes me feel good when I do. I wear make-up because I feel pretty/sexy. I take care of my legs and feet because I love feeling pampered.

All of those things don't define me, but they do give me a better harmony with women and with the world. My GG friends all think I am so in touch with things that a normal guy wouldn't even contemplate! I like that about me. If I did stop dressing and wearing make-up, I would still be the same person because I was already in touch with my femme self way before I even realized I was a C/D.

So if you want to stop for whatever reason, that's fine. Just remember you can hide everything from everybody, but you can NEVER hide who you are from yourself...

[Samantha Kelsey]

I dress because I want to but then again.........

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

When people can be "cured" of being artistic or left-handed, THEN they might also be "cured" of being cd/tg.

As for me, I love being this way. I don't particularly enjoy how society and people in general treat people like us, but I love who I am and I love having the gift of femininity and being able to transform into Gabrielle. :)

This is simply who I am.

In terms of have to or want to, as far as I know, most people have a very real need to be themselves. For everyone who is not cd/tg, being themselves isn't usually much of a problem. In other words, society allows most people to be themselves without giving them a hard time about it.

For people like us, being ourselves is very tricky because of the social taboo involved. Many of us try to keep it bottled up and try to rid ourselves of ourselves (of our feminine side) in an attempt to be what society has taught us is "normal". Growing up being taught that we are not "normal" ends up causing a lot of confusion in many of us. I spent most of my life confused by it as well.

I personally believe that MOST of the confusion many of us experience is caused by society's negative view of who we are. We all want to fit in, and being ourselves is in conflict with being able to fit in with the "norm", hence inner-conflict between wanting to be like everyone else AND wanting to be ourselves.

Remove the social stigma from being cd/tg, and this whole reoccurring theme of questioning "choice or need" would probably never be asked again. No one ever poses the question "Do you think we choose to be left-handed, or is it just something we need?" Why would anyone question something that is considered to be "normal" like that?

Again, we all have a real need to be ourselves (cd or non). Many of us choose to do just that. Many will also choose to try and conform to society's cruel and idiotic "gender rules", and experience the confusion and turmoil associated in trying to live life as a lie and not being the person we were born to be.

[dawnmarrie1961]

The enviable question of choice ,again, rears it's ugly head.
Is this ,in fact, conscious choice or not?
A complicated question. With even more complicated answers.

Some like to think that the desire is hard wired. A genetic predisposition . But a predisposition doesn't make a behavior enviable and uncontrollable . It is merely another variable that when added to other existing variables of the human condition creates the desired ,or undesired, behavior.

Case in point. An individual is born with the genetic marker that predispose to a certain type of cancer. Does this mean that cancer is enviable? No. The genetic marker is a high variable but when acted upon by other variables (such as lifestyle ,environment and countless others) can be kept in a continued "off" state for the entire life expectancy. And even if an "on" state happens, which sometimes does, by changing certain variables it can be turned "off" again.

Variables are numerous and interact with each other in different manners.A high variable when acted upon by an equal number of lower variables tend to cancel each other out.
The mathematics are all around us. Complex equations which , when calculated, are the sum of who we are.

Everybody's mathematics are ,similar , yet produce totally different sums.

Conscious choice is considered to be an extremely high variable. But it is often trumped by unconscious desire thus producing, when acted upon by other variables,a vast array of behaviors.

So to answer the question at hand: Is the desire to CD a choice or not? Given the complex mathematics involved, I would have to answer the question with a resounding : "I have absolutely no @&#*ing idea!!!!!":devil:

This whole thing is giving me a head ache!:doh:

I'm going to have to ask my, 24 yr old ,daughter to do the math for me. She's the one with the PHD in mathematics. She's a professor of mathematics at a college, where she teaches.

I think she will find this to be a very interesting project to work on. She might even be able to publish a few papers on it!

[Deborah Jane]

Of late my transgenderness has been in growth mode. Going from strength to strength.

My feelings are becoming confusing regarding my future direction.

How do others feel about this?
Jan

That pretty much sums up how i've been feeling lately too Jan

Every time i reach a point where i feel i can accept who i am, it seems to start edging further, it feels like the "femme" side is trying to take over.
I've tried ignoring my feelings and not dressing, hoping that i can hold myself to the point i'd already reached, but then when i give in and dress again i feel the need to go further than i did before.
Now thoughts of transistioning or partial transistioning are starting to creep in, causing even more confusion to me.

I'm wondering now, where does this all end?

[noeleena]

Hi... Jan . are you on our T R forum . The ? for me is . i dont have any male clothes . just womans . because i am a woman . & i dont like male clothes . i never did so was glad now i dont ever have to wear them . as a women i have a choice as to what i wear . as a male yea right . i really did not have a choice being brought up as a male you were told & they were bought for you . i said many years ago to my mum if she did not buy them for me i would not . they could fall off my back . & jos was the same she knew . i hated buying male clothes . so it stoped 11 years ago .
womans clothes . i would just order them up on ezyby in n z both for Jos & i . . they all knew who i was . even the shop people knew . so that worked for me . still do . funny. that ..... thats over 15 years . no hidding now so its neat ....
...noeleena...

[Shari]

There's no have to about it.

If we didn't like it (love it) we wouldn't do it.

[Renee Demarea]

What could be better than having the best of both worlds. Its not just for the weekend, be very sure before saying goodbye this time.:hugs:

[Barbara B]

I want to and when I can't I feel I have to!!

[Sammy777]

I think my question applies to both crossdressing and or transitioning.

Do we have to behave this way or do we want to?

For me, while there is a him and a her to the outside world there is no me or him in my head, nothing different, no switching, just varying degrees of me poking more n more holes in him, if that makes sense.

I think we both feel a need, but the difference btw CD and TS is:
CD'ers feel the need to dress like women and TS feel the need to dress as and act and be guy, to play that part, until we can just no longer do it.

Once we accept/come to terms with it, we are no longer dressing, but just being our true selfs. And that is when it starts to feel like we really are CD'ing, but as a guy, not as a girl because the girl has always been there and that is who we really are.

I'm being a bit general and may be using more of how I am feeling rather then the group as a whole, but I think you get the point. :D

[Phyliss]

Time was, I wanted to dress up, I mean I really really WANTED to dress. Life got in my way and I couldn't. Eventually I reached the point of not being able to hold it in any longer and I began underdressing at first, we all know where that leads. Bit by bit more clothes and more dressing until I had to come out or blow up from the internal stress.
It's no longer a "want to" or even a "have to" It's because I like doing what I do. I guess you'd probably class me as "have to" since that's just about all I own anymore anyway. I do have some guy clothes left that I haven't gotten rid of only because I'm too lazy. Put on a male shirt the other day and felt kinda odd about the "backward buttons"

I'm begining to wonder if my CDing isn't getting out of control and something inside is happening to me. I really didn't expect this to happen.

[erickka]

For me, I want to because I like feeling complete.

[TGMarla]

I remember I posed this same question several months ago. And the usual answers appeared there, too. Need to? Well, I wouldn't die if I couldn't crossdress. But I'd be very unhappy. I have a very strong urge to do so at most times. It's not a crippling desire, but it is very persistent and nagging at times, almost to the point of distraction. So I'll say that certainly it is a want with me, and it borders on a need. But mental needs are only for the sake of a feeling of well-being. They are creature comforts. A baby doesn't need his mother to hold him. He'll survive. But the damage done him by the neglect may well stay with him the rest of his life. That's (allegedly) what happened to the Unibomber, Ted Kazinski. So by this logic, if people like us weren't able to dress, we'd all wind up sociopathic maniacs. Better to let us dress, want or need aside!

[Joni Marie Cruz]

As the well known existentialist philosopher, Popeye the Sailor, was wont to say, "I yam what I yam." No, dear, that doesn't mean I'm a tuber that's oftentimes baked and served with butter and brown sugar. I need to express my femme side and I want to, as well. It's just being me, is all.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[Angie G]

Jan I may have to do this but at the sametime I want to.It who I an and who I wish to be.And it being OK with my wife it's all the better.:hugs:
Angie

[Fondew2004]

Those are incredible questions!!

I know that when dressed - and there is no pressure coming at me from "outside" - I feel normal.

But I also feel normal when the situation calls for me to be dressed as a guy.

But a full physical transition?? Speaking only for me...I don't think I could handle that.

But this is just one girl's opinion!

["Mary"]

I just want to.
As Lorileah said
....The clothes themselves don't change my thinking or how I view myself. In my mind I am always the same person,.....

Sidebar - I've often thought Tasha and Miranda look a lot alike. Both posted one after the other above. They could be cousins.

[Ms Mira]

I can go without dressing for a long period of time, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about it. The fact of the matter is that I am happier when dressing is in my life than when it's not... But there's a line too, where dressing too much excludes other important things from happening in my life.

However, I've come to grips with the fact that, for me to get the most out of life, crossdressing must be involved. I've mentally dealt with that, and now I'm going to try to find a way to integrate dressing into my life in a way that will make me as happy as possible.

I consider dressing a mid-hierarchical need. I won't die if I don't, but in a way, that's like saying I won't die if I don't have love in my life. It's key to my happiness, and despite all my qualms and who, whats, where's when's and why's about it, that is the most important fact about my dressing.

[StaceyJane]

I want to express my as a woman and to be honest I have to to stay sane.

I want to transition and become a woman but at this point I don't have to so I'm staying male. (for now)

[xAnne_Mariex]

Some days I want to dress other days I feel I have to, it's quite up and down at the moment and if I don't dress I miss it. A LOT.

I've been putting a lot of thought into going full time lately, I wouldn't want to transition or anything, but if I could, I would be Anne every day because I prefer how I look, the clothes I wear, the make up and every other little fem thing that goes with it to my normal everyday guy stuff.

[Ingrid1999]

Marla, what you wrote struck a chord. Neglect, really sets in with me when I dont dress or otherwise surpress myself inorder to fit in. Slowly I neglect nearly everything from my appearance to my interpersonal relationships. Once this spiral gets going it can be hard for me to break it and whenever I see a woman wearing somthing I like I get envyous and depressed. The only thing gets me right again is to clear away all the accumulated body hair mosturize and put on something pretty and reconnect with myself.

The pressures of working in a very traditional environment forces me to be that guy to the point I sometimes forget myself. So in a word -- yes -- I need to dress. Eventhough I can hold my breath for a long time I will suffocate if I dont get some air. :)

[Jan W]

Thank you Girls for some wonderful thought provoking replies.

It proves to me that I am not alone in my thoughts and desires and that there are many others just like me out there.

And to those with conflicting views I appreciate your input too.


Jan

[Sarah Doepner]

. . . That's (allegedly) what happened to the Unibomber, Ted Kazinski. So by this logic, if people like us weren't able to dress, we'd all wind up sociopathic maniacs. Better to let us dress, want or need aside!

Marla - You've hit on it. As responsible members of society we have an obligation to do this to avoid mass distruction, death and lots more ugly clothes! Even if it's a want in the beginning, we may soob be committed as a new agency within Homeland Security. Repeat after me; "I will uphold the Constitution and protect the right to dress as I desire so long as I don't break a nail, ruin my hose or have to wear workboots again." :devil:

[Rachel05]

I am sure now that I want to and in fact need to rather than have to and as I sit here now in my lovely feminine clothes reading the posts on this site, I feel completely at peace with myself, no guilt, no worries and it feels really, really nice and relaxing

[CindyLouWho]

My feminine side is me...I used to need to dress, but now every once in a while I like to hang my guy clothes on my body it doesn't change me

[Sarah-RT]

Thats a tricky one.

I want to dress.
I dont need to, unless Im unable to.

I have a sports bag full of clothes and make up etc, i havent dressed in a couple of weeks but if that bag was gone Id want to.

[Jenniferpl]

I dress because that noise in my head will not go away. Jennifer is here to stay. Being a girl is too much fun to stop. Putting on a bra and panties clears my mind and lets me accomplish things. Otherwise that is all I seem to think about.

[Honeygirl]

Hi Jan
I am still on a journey with my CD'ing, but I think I can say of myself that I don't absolutely need to dress but now I have discovered myself as a gurl I would absolutely hate to never dress again. This also includes shaving legs, painting nails, wearing lingerie, I just can't think how I would feel if I had to live as a man 24/7 again. I dont want to transistion but love both sides of who I am and if I am honest I love being 'Honey' more than Mr 'Me' right now
because its such a treat to dress. being male is just so boring is so many ways.

Hugs
Honey

[Chrissie P]

I dress because I want to, but there is also a need there. I "need" to express the part of me that is womanly but I don't necessarily have to dress to express that. I can browse a woman's clothing catalog, listen to music that women like, shop for my next trip, etc. I reserve the dressing time for times when I can be on my own and undisturbed.

[Chrissie P]

[QUOTE=Honeygirl;
because its such a treat to dress. being male is just so boring in so many ways.



You got that right !!

[Carly D.]

I think you are wrong about this being curable.. I think it is curable but I rather don't want the cure.. I'm in a back slide of sorts.. there at one point I was on the verge of reaching out and trying to find someone to dress with.. but now I've begun the slinking back into the closet mode.. I haven't been out in anything since early may.. not fully dressed anyway.. I do wear a bra out side and places.. but it really is just a slight buzz of excitement.. nothing like going out fully dressed...

[Melissa Rose]

In the strictest sense, I do not have to dress and act as a woman. In other words, I will not die, become disfunctionally depressed, or physically harm myself or others if I could not. If I want to be happier and more fulfilled then I have to dress so I can express and enjoy my femininity through appearance and actions. I want to be more happy and fulfilled so I want to look and act like as a woman. Plus, I really, really like doing it.

[Abby]

I want to and I need to dress. This is me. It is what makes me, me. The fem side is very important and without it I would cease to exist.:)