Dating vs. Dressing

[Ms Mira]

I'm a crossdresser: I love dressing up from time to time, but I happily live my life as a heterosexual man. I consider my dressing needs mid-hierarchical and rank my more carnal male desires above that, though it's hard to say for certain. I do find other CDs attractive, but could really only be in a relationship with a GG. I'm not particularly successful with women, but like most, when things are going very well for me and I feel confident and sharp, then good things generally happen.

Earlier this year, I had an internet domme who I chatted with every day and who pushed me to do various things which I never expected to, such as shopping. [For the whole story, click here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1786448#post1786448 ] Anyway, as I shaved my body, painted my nails and forced myself into a submissive state, I found my social / dating life suffering. I often felt irrationally paranoid at being discovered by friends, and was thus more reserved in social settings. Worse yet, I didn't have any desire to talk to girls, because whenever I'd have an opportunity, I just generally felt freaked out, guilty and useless. I'd think stupid thoughts like: if this goes any further, she'll discover my shaved body! Overall, I just generally felt paralyzed in those situations, unable to find my masculinity. I tried to pep myself up, but ultimately I feel like the dressing, and forcing myself into a submissive state, put me into a box I couldn't get out of. I eventually stopped talking to that domme, though she was wonderful, largely because of these effects, and after that experience, I wonder if I will ever be able to balance my dressing needs and a dating / sex life.

My question is for other CD's mostly: do you guys find your dressing life interfering with your dating life? Does it put your mind in a state where you have more difficulty finding dates and such? And how do you balance your dressing needs versus your dating needs?

Thanks!

[GaleWarning]

You are obviously not submissive.
Having learned that lesson, leave the past behind and move on.
Now that you have a better understanding of yourself and what mindset you need to adopt in order to start a successful relationship with a gg, you can live in that mode.
Stop worrying, don't stress the small stuff.

[AllieSummers]

Hi Mira,

First off you are very attractive as a woman. I would think that you aren't that bad looking as a guy either.

Sounds like to me you are making this a lot harder than it needs to be. If you believe that there is a problem then there is a problem.

Don't worry about people discovering your shaved body. Some girls are really into masculine, hairy, macho guys. Some aren't. If a girl discovers you shave your body she is either going to hate it or love it. I've found that most women like it. They say that most women are lesbians anyway. :)

This is one thing that really differs between crossdressers. I have a very good friend that is very masculine as a guy. She always says that she has to "wash off her masculinity" and becomes a totally different person as a woman.

I'm not that way. I am pretty much the same person as a guy that I am as a girl. I do tone things down a little when I'm a guy. I obviously dress differently, walk differently, etc. I act a lot more fem when I dress, fem jestures, walk etc. But I don't change my voice or try to be someone totally different in guy or girl mode. I am the same person afterall. Right?

My wife liked the sensitive, caring, fem side of me. She didn't know I was a crossdresser for the first 23 years of our marriage. She just loved me for that side of me even though she didn't know the extent of it.

You need to find a woman that likes that type of guy.

Now on the sex side...

It doesn't sound like you are a submissive. You don't have to give up on your dominant side to dress. If you think you have to then it might affect your sex drive. If you know you don't have to then it shouldn't. There are a lot of CDs that are still "tops" in the sexual relationship. I am. I do like being submissive sometimes but I don't have a problem balancing it.

The one issue you are always going to run into is telling someone about your dressing that likes you as a guy. It is best to be as up front and honest about it as possible....at least as soon as you think you've found someone that you are going to be serious about.

The other way to go about it would be to seek out women that like crossdressers to begin with. There are a lot of them out there.

I would say that you need to come to grips with where CDing fits into YOUR life. Once you are comfortable with who and what you are then it will show to others. As long as you are confused about it the confusion will probably affect your entire life, including your dating life.

Get to know yourself. Learn to love yourself. Once you love yourself, others will love you too.

Kisses,

Allie

[tricia_uktv]

Hi Mira, as has been said you could probably be many things to many people. I think you now need to take some tme to think about what you precisely want to be, and to whom. You are in a different world now, a world where what you were brought up to be doesn't necessarily hold true. So give yourself time to learn it.

Have fun,

[MissConstrued]

I'd think stupid thoughts like: if this goes any further, she'll discover my shaved body!

Yeah, that's pretty stupid. I've not had one woman complain about my lack of body hair, ever. Quite the contrary. If I ever did, my reaction would be "see ya!" Life's too short to deal with women that shallow.




Overall, I just generally felt paralyzed in those situations, unable to find my masculinity.

Check with your lady friend. It's probably still in her purse. :devil:

But in all seriousness, this is what you need to find. Being submissive is okay for those kinky grownup bedroom games, but in day-to-day life, it just doesn't fly. It starts when you decide there's nothing wrong with you. You're a man, dammit, and you can be different if you want. There's no reason a man can't shave his legs and paint his nails, then go out and ride motocross. Or put on mascara and roundhouse kick people in the head like Chuck Norris. Balls are balls, whether you tuck 'em up or let 'em dangle.

[veryinn]

1. submissive? says who
Crossdresser does not need to be submissive. They are totally un-related.

2. shaved-body? so what?
I don't understand the big deal about body shaving. Oh, it's not exactly considered act of honor, but it is also not a crime, not an act of masturbation. In other words, so what if a female finds out about it. If that female would treat you anything less solely based on body-shaving or nail-painting, then that female certainly would not accept you in the long run.

In conclusion, just stay true with who you are, which is less complete with just male side. To conceal the feminine side of you is only a short term lie, the relationship would not work in the long run, even if you manage to get one.

[MissConstrued]

I've just now got something to add to this.

I just met a girl tonight, and I mean a sweet young hottie... who does not shave her armpits. Yeah. She showed me.

You know what? I don't care. I'd still do her, and I told her so. Anyone's body and personal hygiene regimen is their own business as long as they don't stink beyond a 1-meter radius. Frankly, I probably wouldn't notice. I don't check out a chick's armpits that closely... there just isn't a whole lot you can do with armpits anyway...lol. But she doesn't like shaving them... and it's her business. She never had a guy complain, either, by the sound of it. And ya know, despite a great figure, great looks, and a rack I'd kill for, it was her brain and her attitude that really did it for me.

Do your thing, man. It's your body; it's no one else's business. Every woman I've been with has noticed my distinct lack of body hair... and come back for more.

Quit feckin' worrying about it. Nobody gives a rat's.

[Jan W]

Dear Mira,

I read your post soon after it appeared on this forum and for some reason decided not to respond at that time.

It actually struck home. Big time.

I cannot believe some people are blowing your feelings off.

This to me is the most significant impacting thing on our lives as transgender people.

I hear you and I too feel the exact same way.

Good luck honey.

Love,


Janny

[gender_blender]

I find that being different enhances my dating life. I attract more openminded bisexuals by being open and social, but then again I look totally natural and beautifully androgynous even without makeup. You can't be secretive if you want to be successful.

[Ms Mira]

The body hair thing, which everybody seems to have mentioned in their posts, was just an example of the irrational thoughts plaguing my brain. It's another way I became more feminized: logically I'd think one thing, but my crazy feelings would pull me in the opposite direction ;)

And I have to say that I am submissive, or at least I play the submissive in almost all of my fantasies, and I definitely enjoyed being the submissive in a D/s relationship. That doesn't mean that I will cede control of major decisions in my life though... which I guess must differentiate me from other submissives.

It seems like the men getting the best results in life don't give a damn about anything. I will probably be more successful in life if I adopt that attitude, but it is easier said than done...

[GaleWarning]

"I tried to pep myself up, but ultimately I feel like the dressing, and forcing myself into a submissive state, put me into a box I couldn't get out of. "

"And I have to say that I am submissive, or at least I play the submissive in almost all of my fantasies, and I definitely enjoyed being the submissive in a D/s relationship. "

Mira, these two statements of yours contradict one another. Which is correct?

[denise-x]

My body is shaved, my boobs and nipples are well developed,and i wear tight t-shirts while in male mode. At first like you I was worried and hesitant thinking what other people think of me. Well, I finally said screw it I don't care what anybody thinks it's my life..

Well you no what, it seems that nobody ever cared or said anything. Those that were my true friends accepted me the way I am. Those that don't, well that's their problem. Just live your life the way your are happy with and don't worry about others think.

Just my :2c:.

Love, Hugs and Kisses