t-girl's fiance in need of some help

[aimee_tink]

hello everybody, its lovley to be on here, im just wondering if anyone can give me some help. my fiance is into crossdressing im 22 and im having a little difficulty coming to terms with the idea i love hm dearly and i would never ever judge and love him no matter what. but he wants me to get more involved and i feel a bit torn about the whole situation.the best thing is im a trained and very good beautician and would love to help i want to do it but theres a part of me which wants him to stay (in my eyes) as he is and whatever he wants to do he can do.weve been together foir a very long time for two 22 year olds lol please help me ladies im so stuck with this id love some opinions, xxx:love:

[Kimmy55]

I'm not sure I'm qualified to help you but here's my 2 cents worth.Even though you love him there is still a part of you that is uncomfortable.If you can overlook that without making yourslf miserable or spiteful towards him then by all means enjoy and have fun.When my wife was understanding and not resentful we were the happiest we had ever been.Over time things may change but as for now enjoy it while you can.

[Sandra]

You really need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Try to do things gradually and together if you can, as this can break the ice, make it fun for both of you but most of all talk and listen to each other.

But if there is something that you are not comfy doing then make sure he knows, don't just do it because you think he wants you to.

When you've got 10 posts you will be able to join the FAB forum,which is a private forum where wives/partners, support and help each other.

[Nicole Erin]

Being transgender doesn't go away, so what you have to decide is if you can handle this part of him for the long haul.

His dressing may come and go at times but it is not something that is going to just stop, even if he promises or throws out all his femme stuff or whatever.

This is just a part of who we really are.

[kasha]

I would say be honest. My girl and I have had some tough discussions about my dressing. But so far we've made it through because we are honest about our feelings to each other. If you don't want to be a part of his dressing, then let him know. If he's the great partner you think he is, then he'll respect your decision and love you for you.

I definitely feel as if my girl is more accepting of my dressing because she is involved. And since she and I are so close, it would be difficult for me if I wasn't able to open up and share this part of myself with her.

Perhaps there's a middle ground. With your skill you don't have to play an active roll. You could instead bring home some magazines and mark pages with looks and makeup that my suit her. Or just give her feedback on her look and how she can improve. (Don't be overly critical though, remember you're the expert she's not)

Hope this helps!
Kasha

[Gerard]

I'm not sure if I'm qualifie to answer either, but the advice I'd give is to talk and not go faster then you're comfortable with.

In time you might find that you have the best of both worlds, a loving boyfriend/man and someone to go shopping and do feminine things with.

What I've read here on the forum, is that once the SO of a CDer shows some acceptance they might get into a "pink haze" and need to have the brakes applied.

Remember that your fiance might be trying to look like a woman, but there are still loads of testosterone coursing though that body with the single minded goal seeking drive that comes with it. Don't let him push you to a place you don't want to be (yet).

I think it will help your relationship in the long run, if you're the one setting the pace.

How to handle it is something that depends on your and his persona, wishes, behaviour and lot's of other things. Is it just about the dressing up for him, or is it also about behaviour? Does he change when dressed up? You might both want to make a list of things you'd like to do. Would you enjoy going out shopping together, would he? Dancing, sports a nice romantic walk at the seaside? Things like that.

Do try to be curious and open minded though.

[Andrea_1948]

Hi Aimee. First, I'm so happy for YOU that your fiance came forward with his other self. At 22 yrs old and still confised about my femininity I was not so forthcoming and when she found my breast forms well, to say the least it was awkward for both of us. After some conversation she advised me that what I did BY MYSELF was minimally ok with her but she definately did not want to be a part of it and in fact really didn't want to know anything about it. I tried to comply with her wishes but at times when she came across women's clothing that did not belong to her, she threw them in the trash, expensive breast forms included. This went along for quite a few years and now when she finds my pretty things she simply puts them away in my drawer. I guess she realized that my girl side was not going to go away and lets face it, womens clothing is expensive!

She too is a beautician and I would have loved to have her expert advise.

We have never talked about it again but last Halloween she suggested that I dress as a women for a party at my sisters home. I was so taken aback that she would mention such a thing that I stupidly blew off the opportunity beside I'm not ready to share that side of me with my family even though they know since my wife told them years ago. Anyway, it appears to me that my wife is slowly warming up to the fact that my feminine side will not go away, ever. Hopefully in the near future we can revisit our first conversation.

My advise to both of you is to talk, talk and then talk again no holds barred. Your fience's feminine side won't disappear completely no matter what you say or do. And the same is true for his masculine side that you love so much. If you really love him, love him for ALL that he is. After nearly 40 years of marriage I have learned that comfortable things and uncomfortable things happen in every meaningful rlationship. But, everything does work out in it own time. Just don't stop talking!

Congratulations on your marriage plans I hope the two of you have a wonderful life together.

[Kayla Shadows]

I can very much understand that this all may be hard to handle.I agree,the best thing for you both to do is talk.Let your comfort level be known.

This is a part of your SO and something that really does not go away.Having the person who we share our lives with be a part of how we express ourselves is...something that I really can't find words for right now...Its hard to describe the feeling..Something that I would enjoy myself.It just means a lot and feels very good.

[Sophia de la luz]

I would add something, but the advice here is pretty complete... know thyself, communicate your boundaries (i.e. speak up and speak your truth), and let your love grow deeper. No matter what the future holds, love.

[aimee_tink]

oh god thank you so much for all the responce, i feel so much better after reading every single one of these notes. its all what ive been thinking in my mind and alll makes sence, sometimes i need to be reasured of what i think ive got to grit my teeth and do it properly.OMG thank you!!!! my hats off to you ladies xxx

[Sarah Doepner]

amiee,
There are several things I think you will find that we tend to repeat here;

"tell your S.O. as soon as you can in the relationship."
"It probably won't go away, ever."
"try to enjoy it all that you can."
"be honest with how you feel about crossdressing."
"communication will save the day, secrecy won't help."
"don't push anyone where they don't want to go, but help them get what they desire."
"don't be afraid to ask questions (or post photos)"

I highly recommend you post a few more times and get access to the FAB forum where you can run things up against wives and lovers who have been through a lot of what you may face. They can't tell you what to do, but they can provide some perspective unavailable elsewhere.

Good luck to both of you.

[Teri Jean]

There is a lot of advise and insite here but in the end it's up to you. People change over the course of life and marriage but as we do, we need to remember what drew you to this man you love. He may never change as far as CDing but I'm guessing that wasn't the reason you fell in love with him. It probably was a factor that made him appealing though so now it's up to you. I wish you both the best and congrats.

Huggs Teri

[Bethany38]

Aimee,
First off hello and welcome. Now I think everyone else here has covered everything that you need to know. I just wanted to say that I wish my loving supportive wife had a clue as how to help me w/these things as make-up, and hair. My wife has never been into make-up all that much so she is not much help in this area. You seem to be accepting all this pretty well so you should just take it slowly and if you feel like it go ahead and help your S.O. all that you can feel comfy with. I must say that if you two can find a happy medium to all this the both of you can have a whole lot of fun with it. Is your S.O. a member? If not you might want to guide them this way. I don't know what I would be like today if my honey had not found and introduced me to this site. Good luck and keep the lines of communication open and all will be well.



Always Bethany

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

hello everybody, its lovley to be on here, im just wondering if anyone can give me some help. my fiance is into crossdressing im 22 and im having a little difficulty coming to terms with the idea i love hm dearly and i would never ever judge and love him no matter what...

I think it's awesome that you're doing some research and reaching out to others like your fiance rather than just trying to change him or throw in the towel!! :) I have so much respect for you!

I'm pretty certain you understand that this is simply who he is and always will be. If you are having difficulty coming to terms because of how society treats this, as in the social taboo of it, then I you'll do just fine as you discover more about it. If the trouble you have is centered around wanting him to be masculine more often or because seeing him en femme is disturbing to you because you desire a more masculine man, then you had really better do some serious soul searching about the kind of man you will truly be happy with. If you need a more masculine man, it would be unfair to BOTH of you to pursue this relationship further.

If you have some time, this article (http://www.mycdlife.com/2009/06/dear-gabi-i-have-so-many-crossdressing-questions) may be helpful to you. It was written to another woman who had questions and concerns about being in a relationship with a crossdresser. Her questions were a bit different than yours, but you may pick up some useful information in the similarities.

Good luck, Aimee. Again, I commend you for reaching out rather than choosing to remain naive about this. My love and respect to you and yours! :)

[Plasibeau]

It would help to define his dressing. Is he a crossdresser or is she Transsexual. Most crossdressers are perfectly normal hetro men they just have a feminine side that likes to get out every now and then. If transsexual it becomes a bit more complex and your differing position in the relationship. I.e. masculine versus feminine, dominant vs. submissive; this is a constant in every relationship, but can flip from time to time, but usually falls along gender lines. But again if he just simply enjoys being pretty, try to look at it like having another girlfriend when he's dressed. I know of a couple that had rough beginnings with his CDing, but they agreed that when dressed they were not boyfriend and girlfriend but just to friends hanging out together and so far it's been gret for them both.

But all in all that's just my :2c:

[Presh GG]

Hi Aimee,
The others here have said it all , and very well.

Please get your 10 posts in and join us in the FAB forum.
The other wives and girlfriends there will be happy to answer any questions as we've all been where you are now.

I've been married to my TG husband for 30 ++ years,
Remember why you fell in love with him from the start.

Keep the communication open , Both ways.

springtime, gg

[AllieSummers]

Hi Aimee,

I came out to my wife about 3 months ago. One of the first things she said to me was, "I fell in love with you for who you are."

Please remember that he is still the same person you fell in love with.

I always said my wife was my best friend but since I came out to her our friendship has gone to a whole new level. We do all sorts of things together. We shop and do girly stuff together that a "man" and a woman really couldn't do.

It has also really improved our over all relationship. You don't want to "test" your SO's love for you but this experience has tested it. She passed the test with flying colors. I now KNOW that she loves me for me and I know we will spend the rest of our lives together.

One thing that is crucial though...

Her biggest fear was and still is losing me as her husband. I have to be very aware of that and make sure that I fulfill my male responsibilities to her and my family. I also have to make sure that my dressing doesn't take over my entire life.

We are intimate together when I'm dressed but I have to make sure to be intimate with her as a man too. She loves both but if I don't strike a balance then I'm afraid that she might feel like she is losing that other side.

I might just be rambling on here but I hope you know what I mean.

Just remember, this doesn't have to be hard. It is going to be different and might even be strange or awkward at first. But it isn't what happens to you, it is how you react to what happens to you that makes all the difference.

I've got a link to my blog in my signature. If you want to hear how our situation is progressing (from the CD point of view) it might help you see that it can work out.

Good luck and God bless...

Kisses,

Allie

[aimee_tink]

he is a member on here yes. but so far he hasnt checked this tread out. i totally love him for who he is. no matter what he does or feels. i want to be as best a supporting other as i can but some times i feel a bit pushed into it. and i do say my opinion and we talk but it doesnt some times work . when we are being intimate sometimes the 2 people cross over and makes me very uncomfortable and the exscuse i get is "i cant help it" and he cant, but surly its taking over him? i just dont know we talk but as i say he cant help it? do you get the same situations where sometimes it takes you over not in that situation but others? im not fed up with this im just trying to be better to him and to her x

[TxKimberly]

Well, it looks like everyone has said most of it so I'll just lend my support.

First thing - your fiance is to be commended. He pulled up the courage to tell you about this before you were married. That is an incredibly frightening thing to do, especially for such a young man. Trust me on this, he must love you very much to have given you that courtesy.
Next, like others have said, you may want to ask yourself now if you can accept this for the rest of your life. No matter what he may try and do to honor you, or please you, this is something you can't get rid of. It wont go away. He may or may not desperately want it to, may be positive that it will go away, but it won't. A lot of us have been there and done that.
I was sure when i joined the Army that it would go away - wrong
I was sure when i got married it would go away - wrong
I was sure that when I children it would go away - wrong
So just be honest with yourself when you consider this.

He has had a life time to become accustomed to what he is - you have not. Tell him to move at your pace, not his, and don't hesitate to say "Whoa! Time out! Too much too fast - let me breath!" If he loves you, he would rather have that than to hurt and alienate you.
Good luck and welcome to our little part of this world. :D

[Miss Rachel]

First thing I'd like to say is for you to keep him "as he is" is to realize that this may very well be a part of him that you are just finding out about, so it could have been a part of him all along. My fiance' had some light suspicions even before I told her (certain feminine qualities that came so natural for me they were near impossible to hide).
If you can find the way to accept this as "part of him" it will be the first step in creating a stronger more meaningful relationship. Sometimes our perspective of a given situation leads us to make hasty and often regrettable assumptions. With him being more in touch with his feminine side, it could lead to him becoming an even closer friend to you as well as a husband who's fidelity towards you will only grow stronger with time. Honesty is the best policy... let him know how you feel and do the only thing that you can ... try...
Let him know that it make take some time to get used to it so that he doesn't become overbearing about your involvement.
I would also just like to reinforce what has already been said, this isn't just fad for most. It's more of a calling, a passion, and another part of our lives.
Never forget he will always be the man you fell in love with inside... he just comes with prettier wrapping paper now :D

Good luck to the both of you.

xoxoxo
Miss Rachel

[sissystephanie]

Aimee, first let me say God Bless you for being so understanding with your SO. I told my dear late wife about my CD activities before we were married, and her one major question to me was, "will you still be the man I marry?" I told that I would always be "her man" no matter what I was wearing. She accepted that and we had 49 glorious years together before I lost her 4 years ago.

She was not trained as you are, but she was very good at doing my makeup and fixing my wig. Boy, do I miss her now. Since she spoiled me by doing my makeup, I am terrible at it! So now I just go out as a guy in a skirt! No makeup and no wig.

Make sure your SO, or husband, alway knows that he is your MAN! Even if he is wearing lacy panties and a pretty skirt!! Let him read this email! I always remembered that fact, and kept my wife happy for all those years. The two of you can do the same thing!!:hugs::hugs:

:love:

[Glenda58]

I told my Fiancée about my CD actives before we started getting serious. She been with me now for 2 yrs and we'll be getting married in a few weeks. She doesn't want to dress around her and she OK with me being shaved. I have lived with it and we are having fun together. When we shop for cloths for her she knows I'm looking for me also. But I'm her man and that's the she likes it.

You must talk it over so you both feel comfortable with it.

Good luck

[TxKimberly]

I hope not to upset too many with this but getting married at such a young age is not the best idea. . . .

well . . . my wife and I got married at 21 and that was about 22 years ago. Still going strong. She still loves me and I still her. sometimes I even get a bit teary eyed thinking about it . . .
In most things I tend toward logic, but with love, I say snatch it while it's in reach.

[sissystephanie]

I hope not to upset too many with this but getting married at such a young age is not the best idea. Yes, I speak from experience.

That would depend on how well you knew the person you married. I was 23 and my bride was 21 when we got married in 1955! But we had already known each other for many years. We literally grew up together! Our marriage, with crossdressing thrown into the mix, would still be going strong if not for Cancer striking her 4 years ago. Yes, that was 49+ years of happiness! She was totally supportive of me!

There are many reasons for marriages failing. Youth may be one of them, but not really knowing your mate is much more often the culprit. Honest and open communication is the main key to success in marriage!

[Samantha Girl]

Everyone pretty much covered everything! ;)

For me and my fiance communication is key :) But neither one of us has ever KNOWN anyone else so deeply and have been together for 5 1/2 years. I told her last year and asked her to marry me about 6 months later, couldn't do it until she new the whole me :)

Keep in mind it seems to me, us CDs worry as much about how how this effects our SO as our SO. Even though my girl has been understanding and encouraging I still worry sometimes about how she feels. Again, communication is key, Good luck ;)

[sarahNZ]

Sounds to me that you are used to your fiance being the strong male in your life but you can alow for some flexability, you need to let him know exactly as you have just told us!
He can do his/her thing but YOU NEED TO BE REMINDED OF HIS MANLYNESS from time to time eg you can help with the nails makeup etc but HE still chops the fire wood and lights the fire! (and not while wearing heels:heehee:)
He has to be the man that you fell in love with and if he loves you then he will remind you that he is still the man that you love (even if you do paint each others nails)

Long story short... Dont give up on him!, love him! hell bring him along with you next time and we can share advice with him as well.

All the best:hugs:

[latitude45]

Hi Aimee,

Welcome! You came to the right place, but we don't have all the answers! We can only share out experience and hope that other CD's and their Significant Others - like you - can learn from them.

So far you've gotten some great advice and insight.

I recently, I came out to my wife of three years. She was certainly upset, but we have been talking and that's the most important thing right now.

The only advice I can give, coming from the other side of the coin, is to listen, ask questions, and talk about your feelings with him. Now that the shoe has been dropped, it's time to keep the lines of communication open - no more secrets. It's going to be hard, there may be things you don't want to hear; but the single most important thing you need to remember through all of this is: somewhere inside of him is still the man you fell in love with. The cross dressing does not take that away - I like to think it enhances it.

These are just my thoughts - I am no expert by any means.

Good luck to both of you!

Jerri