Serious emotional distress...

[Elly E]

I know I haven't posted in a long time, and I'm really sorry to come back on such a down note...so I hope you won't think less of me, but my birds aren't exactly the best conversational partners for this right now.

I've been having a lot of mental anguish lately, I'm in a very small town and money has been kind of tight so I haven't been able to try and see a shrink, but basically here's the deal.

I know, 100%, I should have been born a girl. I love everything about the thought of being a girl, I even love the "bad" parts. Every week I try to play the damn lottery in hopes I'll hit it big and be able to afford some manner of transition. I want nothing more than to be who I am on the inside, but I'm forgetting the most important part.

I'm engaged to a wonderful woman, she is supportive, and a former FtM Transexual, so of all the women I could have wound up with, shes for sure the most understanding. Shes not bi, however, and I'm pretty sure me going through and embracing myself would push her away. I love her, and the thought of losing her kills me. But the thought of having to live the way I am now, as a man who can't express their true feelings as a woman, also kills me. I'm ripped in half here...and sometimes its all I can do to get up in the morning and go to work.

I don't sleep anymore, I don't eat as much, I'm very depressed, and of course the doctors just drug you and make you MORE depressed...

I guess I just want someone to talk to, my fiance says she'll love me and support me no matter what, but can't really identify with everything I'm feeling, so she said to come here and see if I could find a friend, or at least someone to help me figure out my head...

I am sorry to be like this, but I'm really losing it here.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post,
Elly.

[MJ]

you just don't know it...just do what you can with what you got. why not live full time right now? don't let fear stop you. just do it..

[GypsyKaren]

I can't tell you what to do, but I will be your friend. :hugs:

Karen :g1:

[LisaM]

Elly,

I know exactly how you feel. I've been there.

I found that I needed to see a therapist---even though I only go once every 3 or 4 months it still helps. I have found that anti-depressents help me. I have also found that going out as myself helps as well.

I suggest little steps to help you with the depression and then begin to think about the big steps.

You have friends here!

[Dressing Jill]

I know it is hard to live the way you are living.

I don't know why you can't express yourself now. The women inside is there. Let her out. Enjoy life as you have it now. If things change in the future and you win the lotto than you can change the outside.

It really sounds like you need a good counselor. Someone that will help you work through all of the issue. Drugs can help but are not the solution they can only assist you in the process.

Good luck. I can only offer you sofa advise and be your friend

[Sharon]

I can't tell you what to do, but I will be your friend. :hugs:




Me too, Elly! :)

[Elly E]

Well that was a much warmer set of replies than I was expecting.

Its alright if I contact some of you on IM right?

[GypsyKaren]

Well that was a much warmer set of replies than I was expecting.

Its alright if I contact some of you on IM right?

Anytime...

Karen :g1:

[Andy66]

I'm new so we haven't met yet... but I welcome you too. :)

I haven't been through what you're going through, but I do know it's painful when you don't feel you can be yourself around the person you love. But it sounds like your fiancee is at least trying to be supportive. Has she done or said anything that indicates you would lose her? Or are you jumping to conclusions and thinking up worst-case scenarios, just a little bit?

Since a therapist is out of the question for you right now, maybe you could search for a support group within reasonable driving distance. The people on this website are awesome, but talking face to face has a whole different sort of power.

[Elly E]

She says she has no issues with me crossdressing. But doesn't know how she'd be able to/if she'd be able to take it if I did any sort of change or transition.

So I'm probably jumping a bit. But not a great deal.

[MJ]

Well that was a much warmer set of replies than I was expecting.

Its alright if I contact some of you on IM right?

Sure anytime sis :hugs:

[Siobhan Marie]

I can't tell you what to do, but I will be your friend. :hugs:

Karen :g1:

me too Elly :love: :hugs::hugs::hugs:


Well that was a much warmer set of replies than I was expecting.

Its alright if I contact some of you on IM right?

Am not using IM right now, but you can PM or email me anytime :love: :hugs::hugs::hugs: