I feel trapped

[Donnadcd]

The thought of wanting to transition is now CONSTANTLY on my mind - and it won't go away.

Things at home are not good. Wife knows,but wants no part of it.

Not transitioning is going to start affecting me, but I also worry about the damage that may result.

I know there is no perfect answer to this one - just throwing it out there.

[Katelyn]

I'm Sorry to hear about your dilema. You're in a very difficult situation right now. Stay miserable to please your wife or start down the difficult path and possibly lose the ones you love most dear. It's a no win situation. I hope that whatever path you decide, it turns out for the best. :hugs:

[Aubrey Green]

Ouch! Worst case intersection question. This one needs more than a little thought.
Best of luck, we girls back you, regardless of your final decision.


:daydreaming:

[Lisa Golightly]

I guess I always knew my path and built my built my path around it... Refused to get married which didn't please the girl who wanted it at all... Abstained from having children though both of us desired them... and removed myself from corporate management and set up my own little company to make things easier for me.

I started all this in 1991 bit by bit and never actually decided transition was for me until 2005... Guess my actions show I always knew it was coming...

The only thing I'd say is that trying to please others whilst avoiding the inevitable leads to pain and damage of the self. Been there done that.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Do what is right for you and how you feel about it. You will lose loved ones and maybe not its up to you to make that decision.

[MJ]

i understand you sis. as i was in the same boat :hugs:

[Chari]

You cannot please everyone, so you've got to please yourself! Always be comfortable in who you are - it's your life!

[pamela_a]

Donna, believe me you are not alone. I struggled with that for a long time before I finally understood I couldn't please anyone being as miserable as I was and it wasn't my responsibility to make everyone happy.

A good therapist may be able to help you see which path is right for you. It's not an easy decision and both paths have good and bad to them, real and perceived.

Take care sis and may you find wisdom and insight when you need it.

-Pam-

[LisaM]

Donna,

I understand how you feel. Try to step back and take a breath. Don't rush into anything. See a therapist and take small steps.

[kellycan27]

Sorry that you are having to go through this. Transitioning in itself is very emotional and stressful. I can't even imagine what your state of mind must be other than pure chaos. Much luck, and know what our prayers are with you.
:hugs: Kelly

[melissaK]

Donna,

Ah yes . . . pretty much my life. Ann Vitale coined the phrase "gender expression deprivation anxiety disorder" to describe what most of us feel, and what many of us seek counselling for.

We get ourselves into socio-economic spots where we think we have to deprive ourselves of expressing ourselves as we really want to be, and it is a bit corrosive on the soul. Lisa explained how she undertook a somewhat intuitive multiyear journey to arrange her life to give herself what she wanted. For those many of us, we didn't make those choices, we made choices that trap us in conflicted values. It can take quite awhile to get untrapped.

My first opportunities to transition in my early 20's found me without any support and no guidance to what was possible - so I played the male role. A divorce 17 years ago gave me another opportunity to consider transitioning. I didn't, in part because I decided transitioning in my male hormone ravaged body wouldn't ever give me results that pleased me, (minoxodil didn't work on me) and I chose to tough it out in a stealth mode existence. My wife for these last 15 years has known from day one, and appreciates how hard it is for me. But it is hard. My intutition tells me it is every bit as hard as transitioning would have been.

I get by with light crossdressing, periods of cross gender hormones (shut down T production and most of us get relief), stubborness, and crying on these boards from time to time.

hugs,
'lissa

[stacie]

I would start with a therapist who works with transgender people. Start building your support structure. Transitioning will change your life and everyone in it, It will be the hardest thing you will ever do. Hugs and good luck I transitioned and now I am finally happy but there are new things in my life that make it hard because off transitioning.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Donna....Many of us know exactly what you are going through...

I'm sorry to say that it very likely will not stop and your choices are to live with it or start to move towards a new life for yourself despite the obstacles and other losses you will suffer...when you start to get the trapped feeling that you described, you are going to have to test your own ability to be honest with YOURSELF..

That might not happen overnite and there are many things you can do, grow out your nails, hair removal, pierce your ears, even start HRT that may relieve your anxiety...some of the anne vitale essays referenced by Melissa were very informative and helpful to me..

gender dyshporia SUCKS!!!, but it's your life and nobody is going to live it for you....i suffered greatly trying to fit in and make people like me by hiding it (very well i might add), but the slow realization that no one actually knew me hit me very hard, especially given that I had built up a successful social and work life. For a time, I gave up on life completely, but that's never the answer and here I am..in time you will find your own place and there are lots of folks here that are going through this to support you, listen to you, and not judge you, no matter what you decide

All the best,
:hugs: Michele

[akaCathy]

Hi Donna,

I'm stuck like you right now. My wife goes hot and cold and now it's pretty frosty. As long as I don't do anything or talk about it, we're fine. I spoke with my therapist at my last session and it's all a balancing act. I wish I had an answer. Right now I'm just full of questions.

Hugs,

Cate

[Joanne f]

A difficult question to answer as you have to weigh up the risks that you would be taking and the things that you would be loosing against the things that you would be gaining and also taking into account any commitments that you made in the past , it all boils down to what you value the most .

[MelissaSue]

I, too, understand, and am in almost exactly the same situation right now. My therapist says there could be a "win-win" at the end of all this, but I honestly don't know how that would happen. Stay in touch. Let's help each other...

[Karen564]

There's no easy or perfect solution I can give you..
Many of us have gone though what your experiencing now, and there comes a time when IT (feeling trapped) becomes so over whelming.
The hardest decision to make is the one your contemplating, but you 1st have to be prepared in your mind to also take some big losses too, but it doesn't mean it's absolute or you will lose them for good...things change over time..one just never knows..

With transitioning, it can come at a high price with losses & change life as you know it, but it can also bring many other positive things into your life too...
For me personally, I regret fooling myself (and everyone else) that I could beat it for so many years, and wish I transitioned over 30 years ago..

Good luck, and I wish you the very best on whatever you decide..

[BreenaDion]

My prayers are with you Donna. I am going threw transition now but its been about good 3 months an seams to be flating out.

Good Luck Love Bree :love:

[Sejd]

Hi DonnadCD
let me just say this. This last week I have been 100% female, at my work and at home (I work at home). I have an understanding partner of 30 years and she has accepted and embraced Sejd. I have had the best time and week ever. I go shopping femme, I go to friends and parties femme. No matter what you are up against, you have to live authentically as who you are, only then will you feel you have arrived. You seem to be in a tough spot, and I hope things will ease up for you. Hang in there.
hugs
Sejd

[Melissa A.]

I do sympathise. But the situation isn't going to change on it's own. I remember those feelings-confusion, on edge, mind racing constantly....It won't go away until you do something. I know it's repeated ad nauseum here, but therapy does help. A good therapist can help you cope, and find the courage to confront your situation. It really does work, over time. Just the act of talking and getting feedback on a regular basis will change how you feel, on a day-to-day basis. And it will certainly eventually help you articulate to your S.O. how you feel, and what you need. It may not be for her, and you need to be prepared for that. But therapy will help you let her know how much this means in a way that makes sense.

I wish you the best of luck, and lotsa strength. Now, take action! What's the alternative?

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[TJ Tresa]

Donna, I'm sorrry to hear that you have such a delima. I am not sure I can offer any help, but I understand your pain. Let me ask you a question, to which I don't want the answer, but I believe you do. Do you enjoy having little willie, or does he make you sick?
the reason for the question is sometimes I think about changing then I remember that if I do he is gone forever and there is no getting him back. Just something to think about. Good luck and I am sure that in the end you will find and make the right dicession for you. Hugs from TJ Tresa.

[luvSophia]

Hi Donna. I feel for you. What I'm finding is that there isn't any "now" in transitioning. As much as I would like to, I just can't make an appointment to transition next Tuesday at 10. It's just about trying to find what I can do Today to make things a little better. Like many of the others have said already I think finding a therapist for gender issues is an important step. I have my first appointment in a couple weeks, she didn't have an opening next Tuesday at 10 either :Angry3:

[Sophie_Serendipity]

Hi Donna,

I'm with you on this one...although not so much an issue with my girlfriend who although having her own questions and worries about my transitioning, has been supportive. My family is another matter, who I know will never accept it. One of the big topics I've been talking to my counsellor about is how to negotiate (with myself) an acceptable balance of acting as a guy, and actually BEING a woman. I hope you can find peace and an amicable solution.
Best Wishes,
Sophie

PS: luvSophia, I liked your post.:thumbsup::)

[anniefriday13]

Dear Donna,
I was in a similar situation with my fiancee in '91. It just got to the point that I had to tell her; hoping for her support, but expecting her complete rejection. It gave me the push I needed to finally start my transition. The unfortunate thing about this condition we all share (gender dysphoria) is that it never goes away and only gets worse over time. If you don't do anything about it, you will probably get more depressed and withdrawn. Plus the more testosterone poisoning you have, the harder it is to reverse. The only regret I have is not starting sooner. Sometimes hormones can make you feel a bit better, but it is important to only get them from a reliable doctor, preferably an endocrinologist (a doctor who specializes in hormonal issues). In the end, you must do what you feel is right for you. It is a sad situation to be sure, but maybe with time and some help, your wife can come to understand this condition and be a help to you. Encourage her to realize that you are the same eprson you have always been. If there is true love there, she will come around. You didn't mention if you had children. Kids can be understanding as, today, they are exposed to everything on the net. I wish you the best during your difficult situation. But there are always plenty of wonderful people to talk with. Good luck.

[StaceyJane]

Donna, I know exactly how you feel.

[janelle]

Hun I know how you feel. I tryed to go back to being that male person when the mother in law died & it almost put me in the hospital. I also am just about to lose a 31 years of marriage. I need to be me & only you will know whats right. I am at the roads now where all I need is the money for surgery & this trip ( the hard part) will be over. Like you I see no chance in 7734 turned over of getting it, so I live my life mostly at work in no persons land as there are no laws here in Wisconsin to help me. Babe, know we are not alone in this mess. Take care dear, & PM me if you wish to chat.

Hugs,
Janelle

[Penelope Marie]

Hi Donna

I am sorry your having this problem, i also have a need to transition. I have no SO and for that i am grateful. Though i would love to be in love again i can't because this need to be Penelope in the flesh overrides my need for love, i just place that love thing out of my head. The only thing holding me back is finances. My family will never accept i fear however, like it was said why live in misery to please some one else. As soon as the cash is in sight i am going to transition provided my health does not get in the way.

You just have to be who you are, they are right when they say it does not go away. i feel the urge daily and as best i can do is my nails are long and always have been, i have recently began painting my nails a shade lighter than the natural color (use to just paint them in private). i grew my hair out, wear womans clothing every day lingerie too. it just sooths the beast till i can do better. however, i do have days when the beast breaks free and i become depressed. i have no qualms about losing "little willie" never did like em any way . I've never really enjoyed sex as a male, seems like a chore to me lol. every relationship I've had with a female failed which now i am glad they did. (i was only trying to prover to myself i was a man any way).

Some time ago i saw on discovery channel a program about the conception of human beings. while watching i learned female is always the default sex. We all start out as female in the womb. however, something has to happen to change that, they did mention what that process is i can't recall though. I had always wondered why men had nipples. now i know. left overs from that process which changes female to male in the womb. Do what you can to make yourself at ease. for a while i bought some estroven, the menopausal thing for women to balance their mood swings and such. it does help a bit. you can also get phytoestrogens from most health food stores to ease the discomfort. they also help a bit least for me. now i want the real thing and have had a small does of premarin i bought on line and i felt so relaxed when i took them. i need a doc too and will have one as soon as i am employed again. take care sister and remember you are certainly not alone we all stand with you what ever you decide. Oh one more thing that helps me is to journal, simply write my feelings and thoughts down i use Microsoft word to do this use to do pen and paper but my hand writing looks like chicken scratch. to give you a clue about my hand writing.. a former boss commented on it and said Rickey you should have been a doctor lol.

Penelope

[ifitfeelsgood]

take note all you unmarried and may be soon people. put it out there early in the relationship before it becomes something critical.

[~Emma D~]

Hi Donna

I know exactly how you feel.

Having recently joined the forum myself looking for advice, it would be wrong for me to try and give any advice on what to do.

However, like myself I think you need to seek counselling, sooner rather than later.

[morgan51]

Doing the small things leads to a little happiness along the way nails hair ear piercing etc. in the end its an inside effrt that really has shown me who/what I really am. No one in society can define me I had to do it myself. We are here to support you whatever you decide. Best of luck Morgan

[dawnmarrie1961]

DonnadCd,
Have you seen a counselor yet? It may be time to do that. Those feelings aren't going to go away. They are just going to get worse until they are all consuming. Suggest to your SO that she accompany you to counseling. She may be resistant at first. But being there will help her feel apart of what ever "choices" you decide to make.

Be open to new idea's. Sometimes that's hard. We get kind of set in our ways over time and don't like to be told what to do.

Be safe. Be smart. Be willing.

Dawn Marrie