Did I go to fast

[Philipa Jane]

Hi all.
This came to mind when I was out working and would like some comments as to weather I did this badly.I have included a portion of a letter I left for my SO.My mind was in turmoil after telling her two days before this and I believed this would help us both.
Dear *******
After Friday I have had quite a lot to think about and not least of this was the understanding and tolerance which comes from your love for me.
I was and still am overwhelmed by the safe feeling this has given me.
I also may have burdened you with something which you cannot talk over with a friend if you have problems with my choices.
I hope you will be able to talk to me openly.
So that there are no misunderstandings I have made a list of things to which you will have the final say.
I don’t expect any of these things to happen right away
if ever but maybe slowly.

My Boundaries
Do I have permission to bring clothes etc into the house?

Do I have permission to borrow clothes?

Can I wear what I want when I want?

Will you help with clothes and colour choices?

Will you shop with me or for me for some items?

At some stage would you mind to see me dressed?

Would you be prepared to make me up or show me how?

After we talked about this there were the inevitable tears and confusion but after much reassurance that I had not changed and was still the person she had lived with for the past 37 years,just that now she knew more about me than before.

On reflection and having reread "How to tell your partner" some major mistakes were made by me.
Did I go too fast or am I worrying needlessly.
Philipa

[swiss_susan]

Philipa,

I guess in the end only time will tell. For each of us and for each SO we have this discussion with it will be different. Though given that she already knows it might be best to try to have this kind of conversation directly rather than writing it down for her. JMHO.

I hope it goes well for you,

Susan

[dawnmarrie1961]

Philipa , Read your post. I can safely say that You,without a doubt, did the right thing. Now you need to step back and wait for her. Don't press.
Be patient.

That's the first rule of troubleshooting, because it usually takes the longest.

The second rule: Be Persistant. Has to wait til after the first rule, if the outcome is not that which is desired.

The third rule: Perseverence , never give up til the job is done.



These may be just simple rules for fixing a computer problem but I've often found that they can be applied to just about anything that you might need to solve.

Those are the three "P"s of life.

[Stephanie Heplby]

You told her. That is the important thing. Congratulations!

[LisaM]

Phillipa,

I would have waited on the letter. It was a lot for your SO to digest and I think it will be difficult for her to set boundaries so quickly.

I'd slow down a little and give her time.

[Philipa Jane]

To those that replied I thank you for your time and comments.

Strange that I got more replies when i asked about sleep attire.

Just to clear up one item,I did actually talk to SO about the written comments,and the reason I put it down on paper was not for it to be impersonal but more so that I could get my thoughts in order.
Philipa Jane

[tricia_uktv]

I think you did fine. It will now likely take a long time to sink in. Now is the time you must not go too fast. Good luck.

[mklinden2010]

Friend,

Three and a half cents...

If you'd told her 38 years ago, THAT might have been too fast.

But, after 37 years together?

Nope, too slow...

As to your letter. Grrrr.

Stop asking for permission, etc., and just wait for her to figure out where her boundaries are at the moment.

You may be bringing up things neither of you has fully thought about or is ready to discuss.

Now that you've slammed on the relationship brakes, then accelerated to "way faster than safe" speed, uhhhh, GOOD LUCK!

I'm guessing it's gonna be a bumpy ride around there for a while...

[VeronikaDonahue]

Too fast or too slow, not really sure. What I am sure of though, is that you didn't even have the courage to tell her in person(trying not to offend). I think she would probably have handled it better if you sat her down, and talked person to person. At least that way, she could see and feel the emotion. With a letter, there is no emotion, only words. Despite all of our good intentions, things are more commonly misconstrued in a letter, rather face to face. I wish you luck in your relationship and in all your endeavors.

[Philipa Jane]

To those of you who were good enough to read and reply to this I apologise for not having given you the complete picture.
I have only been on the forum since the 17th of this month and as yet my name will probably not be familiar to you.
I did post a message entitled "Out in the open Friday 17"which detailed how I broke the news to my SO and some subsequent events after.
So we had spoken face to face before I put fingers to the keyboard,and I only did this to make sure I did not let my mouth run away from my brain.
I made the mistake of assuming that people would know what had been posted before. Mia culpa.
Philipa Jane

[tricia_uktv]

Don't be too hard on yourself. I wish I knew the big picture!

[Bev06 GG]

Well Phillipa you know your wife better than any of us. I also dont know how she took the news. However, I personally would have been horrified at seeing it in written form, but thats just personal from my view point.

If I have to be told something or even asked something that may be a shock to me then personally I'd lose respect if communication came via a letter but hey we are all different.
Hope everything goes ok with you and things work out for the best.
Bev