Why Are So Few of Us Out?

[tricia_uktv]

I have just tried to answer a question about whether I'm the same or different when dressed. I replied:

If you are out and about, I'm pretty sure you have to be different. You are dressed, you are looked at, you are talked about. In drab no-one cares about you. Sad but true. So you simply can't be the same

Is this why there are not more of us out there having fun, because I promise it is fun? We have to experiment, to take chances, to risk things to be happy.

Yes, we do need to build a thick skin, but its far easier than you think when the skin is there.

What is happening to me now is that going out there and being brave is helping my male side to develop characteristics he didn't know he had.

Life is hard to understand, but if you experiment and have courage, it rewards you in so many unsuspecting ways.

Sorry, haven't really thought this through yet, but any comments welcome.

[xdbiker]

Im glade to be out Love hitting the Bars with my wife and after the first time i had to walk past a few People in the hotel lobby and hear them Laff i was Like DONT care this is Me and I dont know you so what I have had nothing but a great time going out dressed and look forward to the next time i can do it thanks Jerzie

[Ms Mira]

One of the reasons it's so difficult to be out is because society has such a nebulous definition of what a crossdresser is. If I came out, I'm fairly certain 95% of people would just label me as either gay or transgendered. I still have to exist as a male in society, with male needs, so it's just not worth it to me...

[Alessandra]

i'm not outed to family or friends yet and since alot of them live in the neighboorhood its fairly hard for me to go out yet otherwise i definitely would have, but im planning on going to the supermarket en femme tommorow :)

[TxKimberly]

. . . What is happening to me now is that going out there and being brave is helping my male side to develop characteristics he didn't know he had...

Me too, big time! I used to get sick to my stomach the night before I'd go on a service call, just thinking about having to meet new people and interact with them, and there was also worrying about whether I could solve their problem or not.
Well, once you head out of the house in drag, there is not much point to worrying about social situations in boy mode anymore. My personal courage, and confidence in dealing with others in both, boy and girl mode, have gone through the roof compared to where I was a few years ago, and it's all because of the steps I took as Kimberly

[SweetCaroline]

I can't speak for others, but two of the things that helped me come out, both publicly and personally, were having a T-girl social/ support group in my area to go to and meet other CD/ TG people, and (at first) being able to travel away from home to go out where no one knew me. I realize not everyone has those resorces. It they did, maybe more would start taking the first steps out.

Just my thoughts...

[Teri Jean]

My male side has gotten pretty tough over the years in representing union members for 20yrs and now with the verterans issues. But stepping out as Teri is something that is like putting a bandaid on an open sore, with help and tender loving care the skin will be as strong as ever. peek Yep just about healed.

Teri

[sterling12]

I think the biggest obstacle for most gurls who desire to go out in public.....they try to do it when they are ALONE!

I think those first tentative steps are very hard to take, because you have no one whose been there before, holding your hand, and kind of "pushing" you to take your next steps.

This is why I always recommend a Support Group for The Newly-Out Gurl. If everybody heads to The Club after The Meeting, it''s easy to just take advantage of The Invite, hop in someone's car and GO! If they are all going down to "The Wig Villa" to get a personal fitting, why the heck shouldn't you go too? If The Gurls want to go shopping, it is just a heck of a lot easier, if your part of a group. Your talking to your friends, joking around, interacting; you don't have time to be nervous and checking out all the reactions from John and Jane Public....you just enjoy.

Later on, it is a very easy transition from, "going out with The Gurls" to excursions with the wife and going out by yourself.

If you can't find a group, find Trans-Friends. It's just easier to do it that way. Once out, you will not look back. Your days of "clinging to that closet door" have come to an end.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Melissa Rose]

IMHO, the lack of understanding and/or empathy of other people and the negative labels associated with being a cross dresser or transgendered prevents many from coming out. People often fear what they do not understand. The potential negative reactions, real or not, of family, friends or strangers can be very scary. But, it is more than fear, it is the potential negative consequences resulting from the reactions and behaviors of others.

For me, the personal cost will very likely be much too high so I settle for being partially out and dressing part time. I would rather it be full time. It's not ideal, but it is enough for me and allows to me to express the feminine side of my personality.

[veryinn]

I feel that this topic is loaded with 2 implications.

1. Out as in out of closet
So, you are "out" meaning that others around you know your situation?


2. Out as in out in public
So, you are "out" as in you dress in fem and you go to public places, let it be a park w/ no people or a crowded shopping mall?


They are 2 different things.

[kellycan27]

I feel that this topic is loaded with 2 implications.

1. Out as in out of closet
So, you are "out" meaning that others around you know your situation?


2. Out as in out in public
So, you are "out" as in you dress in fem and you go to public places, let it be a park w/ no people or a crowded shopping mall?


They are 2 different things.

It's not loaded at all..simple and pretty straight forward. Yes to both. Out in the public eye and if you are read...out in the public eyes.:heehee:

[FireFoxAngel]

One of the reasons it's so difficult to be out is because society has such a nebulous definition of what a crossdresser is. If I came out, I'm fairly certain 95% of people would just label me as either gay or transgendered. I still have to exist as a male in society, with male needs, so it's just not worth it to me...

you took the words right out of my mouth.

[charlie]

I have to agree with Kimberly. After going out dressed all interactions with people are just easier and relaxed. Talking to people while out dressed has a certain amount of stress/questions about how you are going to be accepted. In male mode now, I can actually talk to anyone. I am relaxed and can relate to most anyone. And people would say that there is no good part to crossdressing!

[Joy Carter]

No worries about being out and about, just getting the opportunity is the problem. Hmmmm :thinking:

[TGMarla]

I still get nervous going out. I'm less nervous when I'm actually out than I am anticipating doing so. It's getting better slowly.

[Sarah-RT]

To be honest, its not really my thing.

If I was to go out, it would only be for the sake of going to a club or something ( probably a gay club to avoid any incidents )
Id rather put a shirt on however, go out with the lads and get wasted and try and pick up some girls in a drunken stupor. ( drink responsibly :) )

also, im still in the stage, or possibly I will always be in this stage? of having sexual pleasure from it, so technically wandering around town or sitting in a club would only get me going.

and if by out, you can also mean by just telling people: then its not really the best topic started for a group of lads, and keeping it amongst three or less GG friends is enough for me.

[Christine XX]

Unfortunately it takes courage to experiment and have courage.

I'm not trying to be funny about it. It really seems to be a Catch-22 for me. You mentioned "...you are looked at, you are talked about." which leads me to agree with Melissa Rose, in that I worry the personal costs would be much to high for me.

In spirit I'm with you, though!

-Christine

[TSchapes]

One of the reasons it's so difficult to be out is because society has such a nebulous definition of what a crossdresser is. If I came out, I'm fairly certain 95% of people would just label me as either gay or transgendered. I still have to exist as a male in society, with male needs, so it's just not worth it to me...

Nebulous definition, like one who wears the opposite gender's clothing. Sounds fairly straight ahead to me. No, society doesn't understand what it means to be a crossdresser. Society thinks I have a "choice" to be a crossdresser.

You are scared of a label, really? OMG I wish everyone would just say they're gay, then it won't be a big deal. Actually, if more people were honest, they are bi. And I've got news for you, if you are crossdressing you are under the transgender label, wear it proud, hon.

And to the rest of the girls here, yes get out and be out. In fact on October 11 is "National Coming Out Day" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Coming_Out_Day). You may want to participate!

-Tracy

[Deedee Dupree]

Maybe I should not reply now as I am on vacation and feeling real good...

Why do so many not go out and explore? As was mentioned, lack of courage is one reason and another is the inability to give oneself the permission to enjoy oneself.

The truth is, you have to do it before you know where you stand... one can speculate as to what may happen, but in the end it's only a guess. In my exp. most of that speculation was wasted energy, and I was mistaken about a lot of the things I imagined. As far as being observed and talked about goes, as I have said ever since I came here, "that is somebody else's opinion and it's IRRELEVANT". S.... "em & do what you need to do... you take the good with the bad.

You only live once.

Addition: As far as how going out has affected my male side goes, I have to differ with the other posters, "he" was solid before she emerged, and "she" owes him for allowing and encouraging her to blossom... now we are one, on equal terms.

[shirley1]

To begin with you can feel very exposed and even isolated. If there were more obvious trans girls out there it would be easier I think for some of us. People generally don't see trans folks out and about in everyday life it is a fairly rare occurrence to most people. Then there's the fear or ridicule and being verbally abused, can you take it, and people that seem to want to constantly remind you that they are seeing you as a man.

Me and a trans girl friend were out the other night and some guy shouted out the window at us 'good evening gents, you look lovely, do you bend over and take it up the !!!!'

That isn't uncommon for some of us, I'm not even into men, and I am transitioning and full time now. So tough skin yeh you need that for sure but generally most people are ok, and accepting its just the few idiots you get around, and you just never know when you are going to run into them. So my theory would be why are there so few of us out, probably because a lot of us just don't want the hassle off mindless idiots, and some are probably scared of physical threat. But the reality is the more trans folk are seen out and about the more likely society are to accept, so it's a catch 22 situation tolerance only comes from things being seen, and then become more the norm.

[Ms Mira]

Nebulous definition, like one who wears the opposite gender's clothing. Sounds fairly straight ahead to me. No, society doesn't understand what it means to be a crossdresser. Society thinks I have a "choice" to be a crossdresser.

You are scared of a label, really? OMG I wish everyone would just say they're gay, then it won't be a big deal. Actually, if more people were honest, they are bi. And I've got news for you, if you are crossdressing you are under the transgender label, wear it proud, hon.

And to the rest of the girls here, yes get out and be out. In fact on October 11 is "National Coming Out Day" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Coming_Out_Day). You may want to participate!

-Tracy

Tracy: yes, I am afraid to be labeled gay or transgendered (meaning I want to be a girl full-time), because... well, I'm not those things, and being labeled those things would get in the way of several of my other life goals. Maybe I am envisioning the worst, but those aren't minor consequences.

I am just stating the biggest reason I find the idea of coming out of the closet difficult.

[Penelope Marie]

I want to transition full time with the SRS .I got my tough skin as a child as i was the punching bag for numerous bullies at my school. i also served in the military and my skin got tougher in basic training. It has taken me a while to stop beating myself up and wondering what's wrong with me. Now i know what's wrong with me. Nothing! I have just recently become comfortable with myself and it feels so good to acept myself as i am. I am a perfectionest so i can't do things half way. I go out but not in a dress yet. where i live is a very small town. My brothers are here as well as my parents. They don't yet know about my dear Penelope. I am not afraid of words however, the threat of violance does concern me. i am not much of a fighter and besides i do not want to break a nail.

[Penelope Marie]

i think i have been attempting to prove to myself i am a man. now i am slow to refer to myself as a man. i refer to myself as a person. The other day i was at a convenience store and the lady behind me called me a her. i was thrillled. i was married once that lasted 5 years and those 5 years were not good. i have dated a little since then but now i am through with that too.

[Fab Karen]

I have just tried to answer a question about whether I'm the same or different when dressed. I replied:

If you are out and about, I'm pretty sure you have to be different. You are dressed, you are looked at, you are talked about. In drab no-one cares about you. Sad but true. So you simply can't be the same

.
You are looked at- sometimes. In a crowd some people may not even notice you. You are talked about- maybe, maybe not.
In d.r.a.b. no-one cares about you- is that true? You don't know whether or not they do. Do they notice that guy? Who knows? In my case possibly, at least for being tall if nothing else.

Some say,"If only more were going out" - well the ONLY way to change that is to go out yourself. Someone else will see you & say, "hey, they did it, so can I." & then someone else will see them, and so on...

Take it from those of us experienced: being in a crowd of people is the safest place you can be.

[KateSpade83]

I go out lots in full drag when shopping for women's clothes so I don't get a gay reputation in guy mode; also helps a lots to be looking like a woman when you go to stores like Dress Barn or Ann Taylor because you fit in... You wouldn't read me usually unless you notice my beard cover or voice flaws or else if you really have great gaydar because I'm VERY PASSABLE and I thoroughly enjoy my drag shopping trips.

[CharleneT]

The question as I understand it, do you go out ? And why not if not.

I think there are as many answers as there are people ... but you can distill those down to one main reason: fear. Plain and simple, if we didn't fear bad reactions and we thought we would be accepted, many many more would go out.

The good news is that once you do go out, you'll find that it isn't as bad as you thought. In fact, most of the time it is just fine !

[shirley1]

I would agree that in a crowd you are hardly noticed, walking down the road on your own in a fairly populated area, maybe or maybe not.

If I see a gang of lads (young men) walking towards me I could set my watch by the fact that one of them will pass comment, the problem with groups of guys is that there is always one that likes to shout something out if they see anyone or anything that is slightly different. The other problem for some of us is male attention, guys are programmed to look at women that look attractive, so they see you, they look once then again and maybe again, and then spot something different about you. Most people only look once if at all, but guys that are looking for an easy prey will look harder, probably for much the same reason most of us have looked at women whether we look at them because we fancy them or wish we could be like them. Women might bitch sometimes if they think you look too good, why should any trannie look as good if not better than they do, but generally women are ok because you are not seen as a threat to them, sexually, the biggest problem out there is men that are supposedly straight in their eyes, and they see a trans woman and identify them and very quickly become insecure in themselves, because they can't stand the thought of being attracted to a man, even dressed as a woman, it falls outside their realms of understanding, most women don't care how a man dresses or looks, if your gay your gay so what, we live in a society where gender roles prevail, and most men want women to look like women and men to look like men, that way they know what they want.

Some men are bi sexual, the one's that will come on to you, I've had it a lot, I live in a predominantly asian area and believe me being homosexual is almost a crime in some cultures, but a trans girl is an exception, she might be seen as male but she is presenting as a female therefore it is not so wrong to consider going with her. I don't know what its like in the states I live in England but I would say you are possibly under more threat the more convincing that you are, most people will just laugh at an obvious trannie, or ignore them, if you look good you could well be at threat under the wrong circumstances, for some of us you have got to learn to live your life as a trans women, knowing full well you don't pass fully, but still knowing you will get looked at a lot actually, and that's hard when you have just spent 25 years living as male just wishing you could be a girl, but the reality isn't necessarily what you thought it would be.

[Natasha TG]

wow shirley1, I totally agree with your view. And I have had many experience to back that up. For me I got over the fear of going out in public and now at the point of really interested in peoples reactions whether it is totally passable or people end up clocking me.

Coming to terms with my level of CD'ing, coming out to my wife, then finally going out in public, then onto judging peoples reactions to finally just having plain old fun. Going out, people in general are really accepting. For a lot of CD'ers, coming/going out is 100% personal fear, 100% fear of being recognized etc. But once you do it, wow! interacting with women is a whole level completely.

I'm at the point that I just don't care. I think I get clocked 20%, but maybe it's more like 40% (who knows), I just don't care. I have had the chance for the past week to allow the pink fog to set in while the wife is away. when I'm in guy mode, i dress in mens sandals and my favourite nail polish to show off. now that's interesting to see peoples reactions. At least like some people say dressing enfemme allows you to blend in - but for me thats 2nd nature - seriously I wear nail polish in the mens sauna at the Gym. If i can do that, i certainly don't care about peoples reactions in public.

I have been approached by many girls asking all sorts of questions, I have even been asked out many of times while dressed, but I wear a womens engagement ring on my wedding finger to symbolise my marriage to my wife while dressed.

[dawnmarrie1961]

Tricia, "We walk among you!" I think you might be surprised to know exactly how many of us there are out there. Most of us don't frequent the same places that you do. We are just out there living are lives like everybody else. We could be your neighbors and you wouldn't even know it.

Remember this "You are never alone. The truth is out there." ( a little opening credit x-file music here.)

[Jaclyn NM]

The hard reality is because society doesn't accept us. It's not fair, but then again, life isn't fair in so many ways. Maybe someday our time will come, I only hope I'm alive to see it.

[tricia_uktv]

Told you I hadn't really thought about it!

By out I really meant out in the public eye. Where I dress there are plenty of girls like us, but they only seem to come out at night in the areas that could be deemed safe.

I beliweve that for us, as a group (if thats what we want to be) to be taken seriously we need to be out there and mixing with the rest of society. That way we will not be seen as a freak show but as a people with genuine needs and desires.

I get more grief in the so called safe areas of the City - where people specifically come to gawp at girls like me than I ever do in the City itself, where people are in the most part respectful.

I just feel that the more of us get out there and do it, the more will follow and the more seriosly we will be taken.

BUT It is real fun out there if your brave enough and provided you have safety at the front of your mind.

Go for it girls

[VickieS]

While looking at some of the photos you girls have attached to your post. It must be easier of some of you to go out into public. You have either worked really hard at learning the skills or have been given a gift of being really passable. I have seen GG that are not as pretty. As of me I have gone out into public twice dressed. Both times it appeared that I was getting more looks than I wanted. I just believe that I look like a linebacker in a dress. It could have been because I was was so afraid of running into someone I know. I think as we get older we may not care as much about what others think. I also think as we get older it helps some of us to be more passable.

[tricia_uktv]

The hard reality is because society doesn't accept us. It's not fair, but then again, life isn't fair in so many ways. Maybe someday our time will come, I only hope I'm alive to see it.

Jaclyn, no, it isn't. But unless we do something about it life will remain that way. Hugs

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Tricia,
Glad your having fun with it. I think one of the main reasons people aren't that confident is because most have families to consider. Its one thing being labelled yourself but wifes, children etc etc might not thank you for it and thankfully most CDs do consider the effects that it may have on family members.
I am not ashamed of what my fella does at all, however, because of the nature of my job, I'd be a tad wary of the reaction I'd get if my work colleagues were to find out.
Having said that, we have fun with it and we do get out as much as we possible can do, we are just careful where we go and with whom we mix.
Take care and carry on enjoying yourself
Bev

[tricia_uktv]

Hi Tricia,
Glad your having fun with it. I think one of the main reasons people aren't that confident is because most have families to consider. Its one thing being labelled yourself but wifes, children etc etc might not thank you for it and thankfully most CDs do consider the effects that it may have on family members.
I am not ashamed of what my fella does at all, however, because of the nature of my job, I'd be a tad wary of the reaction I'd get if my work colleagues were to find out.
Having said that, we have fun with it and we do get out as much as we possible can do, we are just careful where we go and with whom we mix.
Take care and carry on enjoying yourself
Bev

Hi Bev,
Yes, I understand. I have a family and a job (in drab). I am therefore careful that I don't dress around areas of my life which may be affected. But again I feel (sorry I'm going on one tonight) that unless we do something about it, that will always be the case. It means that I have to dress away from my home and my workplace but in the UK that isn't difficult. I am aware of all the obstacles out there but strongly believe that as a group we can and ought to break them down.

[Sam-antha]

This is one of those threads whose actual content is sort of debateably related to the original query.
The missing attitude that most folk relate to is not "brave", nor "lack of fear (of what)", it is a mind set. Once outside the door and in the street, then that is where you are. In and part of the street.
Eventually you interact with people out there ( you will probably never see them again ).
First there will be shopping and then life progresses.
As an example, as you progress, when you are in a hotel, at breakfast, you will find that you do not hide away at an empty table and hope no one will come to sit with you. You will just sit at an empty table. Eventually you will choose to sit with someone, or if someone does arrive at your empty table, you will chat.
As far as support from groups etc, I do not really think that it is a significant help. There is still the first time out of the door alone.
I do however accept Bev's remark that in many cases, it has to be an away from home "exercise". But even then, the problems are the same. Mind set and with it, the later developing confidence.

Anyway, "Same or Different" ? The same I think, just a tad more developed.

~Samm

[carysmarie]

hey hun, know how ur feeling and ur not alone,and the stats do say that theres1 in 10 that crossdress and 1 in 100 that are gay!! so what do that say????!!!!! So happy days. lol. :)


Carys
x

[Victoria Anne]

The simle awnser is that life is complicated enough as it is so why add to it. I ,at least for me and those of you in the trucking industry can understand. Truckers are a rough breed and are hard on gays and for us girls it could be fatal, I know of three gils that came out and one was immidiately assaulted and all were fired and had to retain attorney's to regain there jobs so I am out to my family and have the full support of my wife Mrs.M and she is the source of much ... well lets just say she says "who cares get dressed and lets go out". I am very fearful of what could happen and to my wife in my absence because of societies ignorance. I know my fears are unfounded but I have them just the same. The first time I went out was in my home town in the middle of the day but I did have fun , I have been out a few other times to shop and dinner but not much,I need to go out more.As for the effect on my male side , I think I have allowed Viccy to cme out more through Tim than anything else perhaps because I cannot get out as much as I want. I am growing and slowly reaching the point where I don't care. I no longer close the shades ,I sit in plain view to the world as I write this.

[Tasha McIntyre]

Is this why there are not more of us out there having fun, because I promise it is fun? We have to experiment, to take chances, to risk things to be happy.

It takes a lot of guts to get out and about. Not many of us can pass (I know I dont, mainly because of my size). It took until age 43 after dressing secretly since the age of 12 to finally get out there.

Was it fun?
Am I happy?

Answer - absolutely YES.



Life is hard to understand, but if you experiment and have courage, it rewards you in so many unsuspecting ways.


I agree.

Tash :)

[battybattybats]

We can analyse the self-rationalisations of some of us as to why they are not out but often that will give us an incomplete and skewed answer for why so few are in the community.

More Gays and Lesbians are out than us even though the stats suggest we may outnumber them. They too just a few decades ago were often married, had kids and risked much by being out.

So what changed for them that has not for our community?

Why did so many Gays and Lesbians come out over the last several decades?