sandra-leigh
07-23-2009, 12:58 AM
There were some recent events in my life in which there was a possibility that knowledge of my dressing might become known at work, through the rumour mill.
I'm not ashamed of my dressing, and I've been stealth-dressing at work more and more for more than 2 years (pretty much all the time now) -- but I didn't want my workplace to be ambushed by the rumours and suddenly have to deal with them with no clue about the truth and no workplace plan as to what they would say; and I didn't want to be entering into that situation without any idea as to what was or was not officially acceptable at work.
I started by asking about the workplace dress code. It turns out that there is none, except that the clothes must be appropriate for the job at hand, and that some of the specialized equipment must stay in certain areas for safety reasons.
So, with that information in hand, I spoke (with assurances of confidentiality) to our Human Resources department. I was, I admit, in an emotional state and babbled more than I planned -- in particular I started that ideally I would like to sometimes be able to openly wear "female" clothes at work -- but that before doing that, I was planning to see a gender-therapist first.
I did speak about traditional difficulties such as "which washroom?", especially in transgender gender-fluidity cases such as mine where one day I might appear more male and another day I might appear more female.
I did say that I was open to compromises, but that at the very least I would like to be able to walk in the door in the clothing of my choice, possibly change to more neutral clothing upon starting work, and then change back to the clothes of my choice before leaving -- otherwise either have to skip the dressing or go on a hunt for a safe place to change. As our building has only one exit (other than the parking garage), the implication would be that possibly twice each day, I would might be walking in obviously femme clothes through the front lobby in plain sight.
The Human Resources person did not put down or ridicule anything I said, and particularly agreed that the walking in/out should definitely be accomedated. They asked for a few days to check with Labour Relations about whether there had been similar situations in our over-arching organization and to find out how they had been handled there.
In the time in between, the possibility of the gossip I had originally fear was lessened... though since I do go out in public and I'm pretty recognizable even when I'm fully dressed, it's really only time until someone from work sees me out somewhere. (I know for sure it's already happened once, about 4 years ago, but it was someone friendly to me and they just teased me very mildly about it a single time and never mentioned it again.)
Today the Human Resource official had some questions and some answers. The first answer was that there had already been a case of a cross-dresser in another branch of our workplace, but that was someone who came dressed from the first day, and apparently the co-workers accepted with no serious difficulties. The gender fluidity of my situation makes it harder, but if it would make things run smoother, I wouldn't especially object to wearing more obviously female clothes.
The questions.... one was about my desired use of makeup (which is usually pretty light for me, minor foundation as beard-cover, perhaps some mascara, possibly some eye shadow. Another was about whether, when the time came, I would object to them speaking to my (eventual) gender therapists about transition strategies.
Somehow I got to babbling again and talked about breast forms. Which are non-trivial for me: when I put them on, it feels like completing something that was missing -- they are part of my unconscious body image. I even got into discussion about there being potential difficulties about cup size -- in that I have been professionally sized and for my body shape, the recommendation is a 40F to 40G Which of course sounds huge, and it's not exactly something that is subtle. But I don't wear the 40G often, partly because they are heavy (on the other hand, I know I could buy a "light" version of the same model.) But I've worn a DD under a bulkier shirts sometimes and no-one has seemed to notice in passing, and I've worn my C under a blouse through a multi-hour meeting (my boss came into the office and wanted me immediately, no time to take them off), and no-one seemed to notice. I also talked about not caring about being viewed as "a guy with a bust", and that if I were to somehow grow breasts (but HRT has nasty side effects) that I would just say something like, "Oh, it's a medical condition; it happens to some people; my doctor says not to worry about it." With the alternative hypothetically (some day) being implants, but then it would be very sudden, that I'd go away for a while and would come back with a notable bust. (In reality if I were considering implants, they'd probably want me on HRT first in order to make room for the implants.) The HR person said something about how obviously during that hypothetical break time would be the time for education of the employees so that it wouldn't be a shock to everyone when I got back.
Interestingly, the HR person said that me starting to wear breasts forms would probably be easier on people than starting on skirts.
The HR person couldn't speak with absolute certainty on behalf of management, but did say the they felt certain that management would fully support my need to be who I am.
But all of this was put on hold for the moment, as I want to have discussions with the gender therapist first, and I need to have serious discussions with my wife about her tolerances (and her tolerances for what she -sees- might be different than her tolerances for what she knows abstractly is happening but doesn't have to see herself.) Her tolerances might also change with the knowledge that work is prepared to accept greater more obvious dressing from me. Right at the moment, my wife's tolerances are mixed, and it is not a good point at which to push the boundaries. Talk about the boundaries is fair game, though: I can express what I would like and what the probable consequences would be in the outside world; she will likely have counter-offers.
The "change when I get to work" possibility should not, in theory, require any kind of letter from a therapist, but before putting management in the position of having to be publicly supportive of skirts or dresses or obviously female clothes, I would feel more comfortable with an official letter saying "Yes, this is a real condition in this person, and it is harmless to others, and we recommend that obvious dressing be permitted."
I happened, by the way, to find some old postings of mine today, that from their contents and dates show that I've been wearing stealth clothes at very degrees at work since at least late august 2006, and that I've been regularly wearing panties nearly exclusively) since at least some time in 2005.
I'm not ashamed of my dressing, and I've been stealth-dressing at work more and more for more than 2 years (pretty much all the time now) -- but I didn't want my workplace to be ambushed by the rumours and suddenly have to deal with them with no clue about the truth and no workplace plan as to what they would say; and I didn't want to be entering into that situation without any idea as to what was or was not officially acceptable at work.
I started by asking about the workplace dress code. It turns out that there is none, except that the clothes must be appropriate for the job at hand, and that some of the specialized equipment must stay in certain areas for safety reasons.
So, with that information in hand, I spoke (with assurances of confidentiality) to our Human Resources department. I was, I admit, in an emotional state and babbled more than I planned -- in particular I started that ideally I would like to sometimes be able to openly wear "female" clothes at work -- but that before doing that, I was planning to see a gender-therapist first.
I did speak about traditional difficulties such as "which washroom?", especially in transgender gender-fluidity cases such as mine where one day I might appear more male and another day I might appear more female.
I did say that I was open to compromises, but that at the very least I would like to be able to walk in the door in the clothing of my choice, possibly change to more neutral clothing upon starting work, and then change back to the clothes of my choice before leaving -- otherwise either have to skip the dressing or go on a hunt for a safe place to change. As our building has only one exit (other than the parking garage), the implication would be that possibly twice each day, I would might be walking in obviously femme clothes through the front lobby in plain sight.
The Human Resources person did not put down or ridicule anything I said, and particularly agreed that the walking in/out should definitely be accomedated. They asked for a few days to check with Labour Relations about whether there had been similar situations in our over-arching organization and to find out how they had been handled there.
In the time in between, the possibility of the gossip I had originally fear was lessened... though since I do go out in public and I'm pretty recognizable even when I'm fully dressed, it's really only time until someone from work sees me out somewhere. (I know for sure it's already happened once, about 4 years ago, but it was someone friendly to me and they just teased me very mildly about it a single time and never mentioned it again.)
Today the Human Resource official had some questions and some answers. The first answer was that there had already been a case of a cross-dresser in another branch of our workplace, but that was someone who came dressed from the first day, and apparently the co-workers accepted with no serious difficulties. The gender fluidity of my situation makes it harder, but if it would make things run smoother, I wouldn't especially object to wearing more obviously female clothes.
The questions.... one was about my desired use of makeup (which is usually pretty light for me, minor foundation as beard-cover, perhaps some mascara, possibly some eye shadow. Another was about whether, when the time came, I would object to them speaking to my (eventual) gender therapists about transition strategies.
Somehow I got to babbling again and talked about breast forms. Which are non-trivial for me: when I put them on, it feels like completing something that was missing -- they are part of my unconscious body image. I even got into discussion about there being potential difficulties about cup size -- in that I have been professionally sized and for my body shape, the recommendation is a 40F to 40G Which of course sounds huge, and it's not exactly something that is subtle. But I don't wear the 40G often, partly because they are heavy (on the other hand, I know I could buy a "light" version of the same model.) But I've worn a DD under a bulkier shirts sometimes and no-one has seemed to notice in passing, and I've worn my C under a blouse through a multi-hour meeting (my boss came into the office and wanted me immediately, no time to take them off), and no-one seemed to notice. I also talked about not caring about being viewed as "a guy with a bust", and that if I were to somehow grow breasts (but HRT has nasty side effects) that I would just say something like, "Oh, it's a medical condition; it happens to some people; my doctor says not to worry about it." With the alternative hypothetically (some day) being implants, but then it would be very sudden, that I'd go away for a while and would come back with a notable bust. (In reality if I were considering implants, they'd probably want me on HRT first in order to make room for the implants.) The HR person said something about how obviously during that hypothetical break time would be the time for education of the employees so that it wouldn't be a shock to everyone when I got back.
Interestingly, the HR person said that me starting to wear breasts forms would probably be easier on people than starting on skirts.
The HR person couldn't speak with absolute certainty on behalf of management, but did say the they felt certain that management would fully support my need to be who I am.
But all of this was put on hold for the moment, as I want to have discussions with the gender therapist first, and I need to have serious discussions with my wife about her tolerances (and her tolerances for what she -sees- might be different than her tolerances for what she knows abstractly is happening but doesn't have to see herself.) Her tolerances might also change with the knowledge that work is prepared to accept greater more obvious dressing from me. Right at the moment, my wife's tolerances are mixed, and it is not a good point at which to push the boundaries. Talk about the boundaries is fair game, though: I can express what I would like and what the probable consequences would be in the outside world; she will likely have counter-offers.
The "change when I get to work" possibility should not, in theory, require any kind of letter from a therapist, but before putting management in the position of having to be publicly supportive of skirts or dresses or obviously female clothes, I would feel more comfortable with an official letter saying "Yes, this is a real condition in this person, and it is harmless to others, and we recommend that obvious dressing be permitted."
I happened, by the way, to find some old postings of mine today, that from their contents and dates show that I've been wearing stealth clothes at very degrees at work since at least late august 2006, and that I've been regularly wearing panties nearly exclusively) since at least some time in 2005.