What to do when there is conflict

[VeronikaDonahue]

I am in a relationship, that is a good one. She is supportive of my dressing, or at least very tolerant. I have a female friend that I have been friends with way b4 I was in my current relationship. Although we are STRICTLY friends, my fiancee has a problem with her. I prove to her on a daily basis that she is the world to me, and yet the mere mention of my friend, sends my fiancee into outerspace. I have tried to have situations where we could all be together, you know just hanging out. My friend, is very very opinionated. My friend has stated to my fiancee that if she were single, she would like to date me. Ok, that was wrong on her part, but she said it and so now it is out there. It was also brought to my attention, that my friend and I showed more affection for one another than we should. We have since stopped the innapropriate behavior, now that we are aware that we were doing wrong. Keep in mind, that my friend and I were brought up to show affection, like hugging upon greeting and leaving, etc, etc. My fiancee asked me a loaded question one day, and it goes like this "Do I find ****** attractive, and would I date her". My reply was "I do think she is attractive, and if I had never met you (my fiancee), or never had you in my life, and if she were single, then yes I would" Then the fight was on. I don't expect for them to be friends, but it would be nice to have them be cordial to one another. I see my friend 1 day a month, every month, and my fiancee the rest of the time. Am I wrong for wanting friends, regardless of their gender? I try and try to talk about it, to get it to a level of mutual understanding, but it is a rough path that is being travelled.

[Sophia de la luz]

Wait, I thought only men exhibited such ludicrous behavior. Are you saying we're all human?

[Bethany38]

Veronika,

I don't know what advice I could give you on this matter for matters of the heart are complicated ones. I do know this though; in the fifteen years I have been with my wife she has never had a problem with me being friends with any woman no matter how close we are. For example: I had a friend a few years ago that was very attractive and we were all at a wedding. I was dancing with said friend, we were both very close and my wife came by. As my honey passed I asked if I could kiss said friend and my wife said of course I could as long as that was All I did. Now I know very very few women would ever be as comfortable or as accommodating as my wife, but I don't think anyone should be able to, nor have the nerve to tell another person whom they should or should not be friends with. As long as the two of you are only friends then I think the two of you should be able to remain as such. I would never dream of telling my wife she could not be friends with another man. Not unless the were acting as more than just friends. Sometimes the little green monster can destroy a relationship. And can even drive to people together that originally would not have been together. Just my :2c:...

[MissConstrued]

Am I wrong for wanting friends, regardless of their gender?


Not the way I see it. She's the one who's out of line. Just friends is just friends, and if she can't deal with that now; if she can't bring herself to trust you when you've been honest with her... well, it isn't going to get any easier down the road. If I were in your shoes, the wedding would be on indefinite hold until she gets her insecurities under control. It's very difficult to live with someone constantly looking for things to accuse you of.

Your friend, however, shouldn't be saying things like that to your fiancee. Sounds to me like she still carries a torch for you, and is well aware of the wedge she's driving.

[Butterfly Bill]

If the sexes were reversed I would say that this person looks like a potential overjealous and abusive husband. I see bells and lights flashing: Danger! Danger!

[bobi jean]

I would not ever again attempt to get these two together in any way. If you get caught up in the middle, you will need more than a little padding to enhance your butt. Let your fiancee know that you have been friends with "the other girl" for as long as you can remember, and tell your friend that your fiancee is now and always will be your one love (if that is the case) and tell them both that good friends are hard to come by and even harder to keep, that your friendship with both of them means the world to you (if that is the case) and you will not willingly give either friendship up. you will however give up all inappropriate actions and words to and about the first friend, (mostly because it is totally inappropriate to begin with).
Just out of curiosity, were you and the "old girl friend" ever an item?
If so, does the fiance know?
if you were, and if she does, I would advise against marrage right know!!
What do you think will your life be like if you get married and continue with a friendship (of any kind) with the old girl friend?
IT IS CALLED JEALOUSY and it AIN'T GOOD!!! especially if is a wife that is jealous.
Good luck, hope you can work this out but keep your old high school track shoes hany, you may need them!!!!!! soon.......

[Granny Gray]

Miss Construed is RIGHT. She may be a curmudgeon and so am I...A SENIOR curmudgeon in fact, but good sense is good sense. All your alarm bells should be ringing as loudly as they can. Jealousy is a deadly poison and it can kill anything good you think you have with your "intended." If you persist in the intended progress of your relationship with a jealous person, I believe you are "cruising for a bruising" big time. Solve the jealousy problem NOW or no marriage. With no solution, it will only get worse. :2c: J

[mklinden2010]

>>>My friend has stated to my fiancee that if she were single, she would like to date me. Ok, that was wrong on her part, but she said it and so now it is out there.


Your friend is a rival to your fiance, plain and simple.

She knows you are in a relationship, and she's causing trouble.

True friends are not troublemakers.

A true friend would "bow out" and let you two live your lives without any problems from her direction.

Your fiance, on the other hand, is being baited and it's bringing out the worst in her. Can you live with her responses to such things in what you hope to be a long life together?

And, last, what are you doing to all three of you?

Why are you letting this go on?

It's bad for you, your friend, and your wife.

You've now made one major choice in life, and it does dictate several of the others that are staring you in the face.

How life goes for all three of you is up to you.

Chose wisely what you do, who you stick with, and, what quality of life you want to live.

Good luck.

[VeronikaDonahue]

Wow, alot of different replies, some I expected, and some I did not. My friend and I have never been an item, and it will stay that way. I agree that she has lodged a wedge into my relationship with my fiance and I. I have had my words with her, and she has seen my point and has backed down tremendously. As for getting the two of them together in the future, I don't forsee that happening. I want to publicly apologize to anyone that I have offended in posting this. I never intended it to hurt the one I love and hold so dear to my heart. It has though, and for that I feel it makes me less empathetic, as I posted in a different section. I do have my flaws, thank GOD that I can admit it, and I thank GOD that my fiance can over look them. I did exagerate when I said she goes into outer space, in fact she actually encourages me to see my friend from time to time. She is definitely a keeper.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Veronika,
No its not wrong to have friends, but friends who have openly admitted that if the circumstances were different they would make a play for one another is quite another matter. I think your fiancee has every right to be wary of this union, and I think to be honest most people would feel exactly the same. I think your expecting rather alot of your fiancee and if you can't see it then I think your being a tad dillusional.
It sounds to me like your friend would like you, but because she's not single can't have you so she has made it very clear to your partner in the hope that it will drive a wedge between you. Micheif making if ever I saw it. Open your eyes and real honey otherwise you will end up losing your fiancee.
Its very flattering having two ladies interested in you and does wonders for your ego, but it wont last forever because one or the other will soon get tired and walk away. I also think that what Mary said rings true. If this lady were a true friend she would never have said something to your fiancee that could potentially ruin your relationship.
Just for the record, my partner has female friends and I dont have a problem with it, however, if one of them told me that she fancied him and would date him if she was available and he felt the same way I'd start to feel mighty uncomfortable with the situation.
Take care
Bev

[ggtracy]

I too thank you all for your replies. I am the evil green eyed partner in this scenerio. LOL. I have never asked for him to end his friendship with his female friend but have asked him to see things clearly and be sure he lets her know the proper boundaries.

Like he admitted, she told me that she would like to date him. she told me that he fulfilled some of her needs (emotional, physical) that she did not get from her husband. less than a month after she told me those things, she and her husband got separated. call me crazy for being anxious. :eek:

[rufus rabbit]

I have to say that I am going through something very similar and Jealously is a nasty emotion however its something that even the most accepting of folk has in them somewhere. If you truely love each other sit down forget the shouting and heading off into outa space, remind each other of why you love each other and think about why you picked each other and not the friend..... It sounds like a girl who's baiting your wife so it makes her look more appealling than your wife but you chose to marry her and I'm guessing some of the reasons were because she cares and loves you and accepts you for who you are. . Some girls can be pretty nasty and spiteful and No true friend would try and come between a couple no matter what their feelings are a true friend would have kept quiet and just been happy being your mate. . Not goading your wife. . :hugs: to both of you and be strong and stand together as a couple

[kellycan27]

Not the way I see it. She's the one who's out of line. Just friends is just friends, and if she can't deal with that now; if she can't bring herself to trust you when you've been honest with her... well, it isn't going to get any easier down the road. If I were in your shoes, the wedding would be on indefinite hold until she gets her insecurities under control. It's very difficult to live with someone constantly looking for things to accuse you of.

Your friend, however, shouldn't be saying things like that to your fiancee. Sounds to me like she still carries a torch for you, and is well aware of the wedge she's driving.

I would have to agree with MC on this. Your friend didn't do you any favors by saying she'd go out with you... Jealousy and insecurity can make for a rough relationship.... go slow.
BTW.. if she ever asks..."Do these pants make me look fat?" Be very careful how you answer.... :heehee: Good luck, hope things work out for you.
Kel

[Tamara Croft]

I think your 'friend' is playing games. You might not see it, but saying that to Tracy was out of order. After what Tracy has posted about what was said, I think you should be extremely careful with your 'friend'... She isn't with her hubby anymore, sounds like she's putting a wedge in your relationship for her own selfish reasons. :thumbsdn:

[Babette]

I don't think it is wrong for anyone to have friends from either sex. However, friendship levels have a potential to change for better or for worse with consequences.

How would I feel if the same situation was reversed in my own relationship with my wife? The short answer is not very well. Keep in mind, neither of us have ever been prone to jealousy, but it takes sensitivity toward each other's feelings to keep it that way. I trust she would not put me in this situation and likewise, I would not do it to her. If I let something push her into a corner, then I best prepare myself for her to push back.

I hope things work out for you.

Babette

[AmandaM]

<<My friend has stated to my fiancee that if she were single, she would like to date me.>>

Bingo! Instant enemy right there. Good luck, cause they ain't gonna be friends.

[ReineD]

If your fiancee is jealous of every woman you interact with, then I agree with Missconstrued and would also advise you to go slowly in the relationship until she has dealt with her insecurities.

But, jealousy is a useful emotion as long as it is not the standard reaction to a partner's acquaintances and friends. It is a healthy red flag that lets us know when we feel insecure in the relationship and if there is anything amiss that should be examined and discussed.

You might consider that your fiancee's issue may not be about your married friend at all. There may be other things that are bothering her right now. Are you as open to her as you might be? Are there things about your life you do not share with your fiancee and does she sense this and fill in the blanks herself? How are things going in the bedroom?

Just a thought.

I also agree with the others who said your friend is no true friend if she says things that might cause your fiancee to feel uncomfortable. Sounds like your friend is playing games.

[Kelly DeWinter]

The ONLY reply to that kind of question, would be to step on a cat, while throwing a brick through a window as you whistile Dixi backwards. Hopefully one of the three, or combination thereof will make her forget she asked the question. THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER ! lol

Kelly

[ReineD]

The ONLY reply to that kind of question, would be to step on a cat, while throwing a brick through a window as you whistile Dixi backwards. Hopefully one of the three, or combination thereof will make her forget she asked the question. THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER ! lol

Kelly

lol. Well, there is one answer, but Veronica should only say it if it is true. To the question, I would answer, "I hadn't thought about it. My only thoughts are of you and I can't even imagine wanting to date anyone else as long as you are in my life. No one could possibly compare to you." :)

[Hope]

It is not at all unreasonable for you to have friends, or either gender. In fact if your partner insists that you have no other friends, that is a huge red flag that should tell you to bolt for the door. But that does not seem to be the situation you are describing. Your partner seems to be objecting to this one friend, this one friend who has quite frankly misbehaved and crossed the line (perhaps on more than one occasion).

While it is completely appropriate for you to have friends (of all genders) there is also something called "opportunity cost;" which is really just a fancy way of saying that you can't have everything. When you make a decision, that excludes some of the alternative options available to you. Opportunity cost is the price you pay for taking advantage of one opportunity. If you decide to spend the 4th of July in Washington DC, you will get to see the fireworks on the National Mall, but you will miss seeing the fireworks in Seattle. Opportunity cost. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Opportunity cost.

When you decide to have that one exclusive relationship with that one special person you were made for - part of the opportunity cost is that you no longer get to freely exclusively choose your friends (or any of your other activities) without consulting that other person you are joined with. Which isn't to say that your partner gets to dictate the terms of your life, but they certainly get a vote.

It sounds to me like your partner has made her position on this one person pretty bloody clear. You should expect, that if you continue to carry on a relationship with this other woman, in the manner that you have been, that it will damage your relationship. You can have a reasonable conversation with your parter about what sort of relationship you can have with the interloper - if any. But it sounds like this is a nonnegotiable issue for her, and it sounds to me like it might be for good reason.

So now you have to choose. Which woman will you keep in your life? Which woman will you make happy? (or at least spend time with). Opportunity cost. If you cannot agree to the terms your partner requires - them perhaps you should not be getting married. Opportunity cost.

[Lisa Golightly]

Sounds like you should be with your friend...

[Shari]

First off, I don't believe the opposite sex can be "just friends" for too long a period. Sooner or later the sexual aspect must arise.

One question Veronika.
How would you feel if the situation were reversed and Tracy had a male friend she was shoving down your throat?
Not so innocent anymore, eh?

[Jeanna]

You are not wrong for having friends. You can't ignore that your friend has real feelings for you either.It also seems that you have feelings for her and your wife. You're in a tough spot. You will see that your future wife will want you to cut off your relationship with her.Be careful you could lose both.Give yourself and them a break and think about this thoroughly before you make a decision.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Reine,

I agree that techicaly that is the correct answer, however I believe this is the same type of question as "Do I look fat in this ?" Allways have a cat or a brick handy !



lol. Well, there is one answer, but Veronica should only say it if it is true. To the question, I would answer, "I hadn't thought about it. My only thoughts are of you and I can't even imagine wanting to date anyone else as long as you are in my life. No one could possibly compare to you." :)

[Blaire]

...it goes like this "Do I find ****** attractive, and would I date her". My reply was "I do think she is attractive, and if I had never met you (my fiancee), or never had you in my life, and if she were single, then yes I would" Then the fight was on.

Ahh, very much the wrong answer :doh: Right answer: "She's not even in your league, (insert pet name here).":love: or "Not anywhere near as much as you."

As for the friend, does she know her place? Was it just a lack of tact, or deliberate ploy? You and your fiance have made a choice about your futures - it's up to both of you to realize that and more importantly make eiach other realize that - there's no-one else.

[dawnmarrie1961]

I know you say that there is no sex involved in your relationship with you friend. But I'm going to approach your problem in that manner anyway. You will understand why later.

Everything in the male ego has to do with sex and the number "3". One Male + two Women = Sex. Regardless of weather or not the two women involved are satisfied. When a man hear's the word "lesbian" the idea of sex automatically comes to mind. (As if the two woman really want anything to do with him.) But the male ego tries to but himself in to situation anyway. Two lesbian females + One Male= Sex. In the event that there is only one Male and one female the Male will be thinking about some other Female besides the one he's with. One Male + One Female (+ one Female)=Sex. Men don't have relationships, they have sex. While for the woman it is all about the relationship. Men only tolerate the idea of the relationship because it is required by the female in order for them to have sex. Men think about sex all the time, consciously and unconsciously. The average male gets an erection 11 times during the average day.

You are in a unique position because you can utilize your female side to understand what you fiancee is feeling. It's not so much about you having sex with your friend that bother's you fiancee. It is the whole relationship issue!

Your fiancee see's your friend as a threat to a committed relationship with you.

Your friend see's your fiancee as threat to her relationship to you.

And you, because of your male ego, actually think you should be able to have it both ways.

That leaves you only two choices.

(1) Dump the friend and keep the fiancee.
(2) Dump the fiancee and keep the friend.

Of course the male ego likes to think there is a third option.

(3) Have a threesome. (Just ignore that one.)

[shayleetv]

My best friend I met as a blind date when I was in college as a freshman. We hit it off as friends but not as lovers. We did everything together. We had dinner out and in, we went to movies, played golf and studied together. We took classes at school and even double dated together, her with her boyfriend and me with my girlfriend. The girl that I married and the boy Janet married knew we were the best of friends. Yes, we showed affection to each other when we greeted and when we parted, even in front of our partners to be. Our future partners saw us more as brother and sister. I think it is in the subtle way you do your affection that causes or doesn't cause jealousy and also the nature of the person observing. If my wife had had any jealousy of Janet things would have different between Janet and me. After all Janet was a friend and was not going to be my wife and therefore I would have to make a choice as to who was the most important person in my life. Maybe the reason I married my wife was because she loved me enough to know not to make me have to make a choice. Janet always passed the good things I said about my fiance on to her, so my wife(to be) was always secure in our relationship. That's what real friends do for friends. Your friends needs to know that and do it. If not, she's not a true friend. In true friendship, friends are people who care for your needs and not their own in that relationship. Choose your friends wisely, they reflect your character.

[sterling12]

I don't think you can do a "work around." I think that sooner than later your going to have to decide. Choices: 1.) Your old friendship. 2.) Your relationship.

Often in life, we have to "give things up." And, that includes friendships! Imagine if you had a guy for a friend, he was a bum, always carousing and always drinking. If your fiancée said "give him up as a friend," would you even hesitate?

Although your friend isn't doing anything detrimental in an overt way, I think you have a serious problem. I think your friend is behaving like a lot of women and men that I have known. She may not be able "have you," but she probably, perhaps unconsciously, still wants to "keep you around." A lot of people do this, it's sort of like keeping a spare tire in The Trunk. If you don't take care of the problem, eventually something is going to "break!" When that happens you will lose/lose.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Kolokea GG]

I side with your fiance on this one. She has every right to feel the way she does. I have seen and heard this situation. The thought is there and it is known....how do you know your "friend" won't act on her feeling before she feels its to late too.

[ggtracy]

Thanks again for all the comments and concerns. I believe it helped us both look at things from the other person's perspective.

I am happy to report that all is well here. The situation has basically resolved itself. The female best friend is in the process of divorcing her spouse and has already found a new love.

[sherri52]

It is good to have friends. This one is trouble. Tell your wife in a nice way that you want to remain friends with her and if she wants you will meet her in another place, but that meeting her at home with you (so) you could see that there was nothing between the friend and yourself

[dilane]

I am in a relationship, that is a good one. She is supportive of my dressing, or at least very tolerant. I have a female friend that I have been friends with way b4 I was in my current relationship. Although we are STRICTLY friends, my fiancee has a problem with her. I prove to her on a daily basis that she is the world to me, and yet the mere mention of my friend, sends my fiancee into outerspace. I have tried to have situations where we could all be together, you know just hanging out. My friend, is very very opinionated. My friend has stated to my fiancee that if she were single, she would like to date me.

Um, your *friend* is trying to mess with your relationship, and is getting off on making your wife jealous. She sounds incredibly dumb, too, no matter what her IQ is.



Ok, that was wrong on her part, but she said it and so now it is out there. It was also brought to my attention, that my friend and I showed more affection for one another than we should. We have since stopped the innapropriate behavior, now that we are aware that we were doing wrong. Keep in mind, that my friend and I were brought up to show affection, like hugging upon greeting and leaving, etc, etc. My fiancee asked me a loaded question one day, and it goes like this "Do I find ****** attractive, and would I date her". My reply was "I do think she is attractive, and if I had never met you (my fiancee), or never had you in my life, and if she were single, then yes I would" Then the fight was on.

Not exacty a phi beta kappa move, sorry. Do you like keeping your wife off balance?


I don't expect for them to be friends, but it would be nice to have them be cordial to one another. I see my friend 1 day a month, every month, and my fiancee the rest of the time. Am I wrong for wanting friends, regardless of their gender? I try and try to talk about it, to get it to a level of mutual understanding, but it is a rough path that is being travelled.

Well there are friends, and there are Friends with a capital F. My oldest friend from age 12 is a woman. She is now married, so not only is the woman a potential object of jealosy, but I was to her husband. Things got worked out because we are always polite and considerate and don't say dumb things like "you know I'd really have dated X if he/she were available".

The four of us are great friends, and my wife spends as much alone time with "L" as I do -- and I make sure it's balanced in that way, for obvious reasons.

[ifitfeelsgood]

Your engaged, the rules change. The rules are not fair, so be it, but you signed up for it. Wait till your married, the rules change a little bit more.