Dangerously Depressed

[NewShy21NJmtf]

Have you ever had the urge to dress be so strong that it leads to dangerous or destructive behavior?

I still have a year of college left, so in the mean time, I live either with parents (like now, since it's summer) or with roommates. I have a small boring wardrobe from thrift shops, that I'm really sick of, and my dad recently lost his job, so I don't even get to dress in my crappy thrift shop clothes because he's home. My good GG friend, who's the only person who knows about me has just moved across the country. I feel trapped. I go to stores and browse for clothes every chance I get, but I never buy because I'm afriad I'm running out of places to hide things, and I don't want to risk my parents seeing me bringing the bags home. I come here and see all the beautiful girls, and I get so jealous. I get depressed because I won't ever look that good.

Today I went to Barnes & Noble, and I really wanted to buy two great books, 'My Husband Betty' and 'Making Faces' but I didn't because I decided it would be too painful to have those two books and have to hide them from my parents, and have very few oppurtunites to read them. I didn't want more reminders that I can't dress up or even shave my legs.

This has lead me to very dangerous behavior. I know it's wrong, but I can't stop. I fell into this habit last year around this time as well, but it wasn't as bad. I found one thing that I can do to make myself more girly, for when I finally can dress up, and noone will notice. I've stopped eating. Yesterday I ate almost nothing, and today, I really did not eat one bite of food, and I went to the gym for 3 hours trying to get rid of my disgusting ugly gut. I can't stand to see myself in the mirror. I went browsing for clothes today, and I found two amazing dresses that I could actually afford in the clearance rack at TJ-MAXX. I would've bought them, except they were both size 10s, and there's no way I can squeeze into a 10 with my disgusting belly right now, but I'm almost there, I can sort of squeeze into a 12, but I've tried 10s, and I can't get them to close. I'm really hungry right now, and I've even been starting to get weak, but I refuse to eat. I know it's wrong. I'm fighting with myself. The rational part of me wants to go eat something, while the rest of me, says who cares if you eat, and even, you don't deserve to eat. What is wrong with me?

Stephanie :mad:

[Holly]

Stephanie, you are crying out for help. I would strongly urge you to join the Depression/Mental Health Discussion Group and talk to the members there. I'm confident that you will be pointed in the right direction to get the help you need. Best wishes. Do let us know how you are getting along.

[Julie]

Stephanie,

Holly is right. Join the group and get this stuff off your chest. I've been where you are many times. I'd say most of us have. But what's important to remember is we are all still here surviving and thriving.

I remember reading something once that rings so true. It was about the richest people in the world and all they had. The article went on and on about all these people had and I was thinking, "I wish I could experience that kind of wealth. What a treat it would be not to have to worry about money." I think I was about your age then.

One Japanese man was the #1 wealthiest person in the world at the time and he was like 84 or something. His health was failing, he couldn't see very well, he had a hard time walking, he had a hard time even staying awake. The article ended with something like, "What he doesn't have is youth. And he would give up all his riches to have that back again." That was a real eye opener!

Steph, you have your youth. And you have a great and wonderful life ahead of you. You just need to realize and appreciate that. So enjoy the fact that some of the richest people in the world would gladly trade places with you just to be young again. It's such a special time. Enjoy it.

[Julie]

Oh, and one other thing. Starving yourself it the absolute WORST way to lose weight. Your body goes into starvation mode and starts to STORE rather than rid itself of weight. It's just trying to survive. Once you resume your normal eating habits, you'll start packing on the pounds because your body doesn't know the starvation is over.

Rather than starve, try eating six SMALL meals a day and either running or walking 30 or more minutes a day. The weight will come off, and in a healthy way.

[Alison Anderson]

Grrr, :mad: don`t you hate when you accidently tap the wrong key and your carefully composed message that you have been typing for 20 mins just diissapears!!! And usually when it`s an important one :mad:

Anyway, Julie beat me to it, Iv`e just learned, or rather put into practice; eating MORE and the weight is falling away! Eating lots of fruit and grapefruit juice I found to be a magic fat burning tonic. Starving yourself wont do anything but make you sick and compound your depression.

Only one more year of college? That will go so quickly, you are young, smart and have ambition so dream away, where you will be and most importantly "what you`ll be wearing!" It will be here before you know it!

Here for you,
Love,
Alison :D

[Ava Mouse]

Eating: Well, you can eat fruits and vegetables! I often grab a mix of carrots and celery, apples, bananas, etc for lunch at work. Get enough to keep you full for a while. This will satisfy your hunger, make you feel better about yourself and help you loose the weight you want to.

Eating healthy does wonders for depression and other health issues, like acne and softer skin. I also take the stairs (7 floors!) to work. Get some excercise, too.

You CAN look great! Question is how much do you really want it? (It takes self discipline to stay skinny like I do! Especially with pizza and ...)

As for feeling trapped, ever since we had kids, I've had almost no time to dress up. They were always home, or with me, or I was at work... drove me crazy, till I told my wife, so now, I can schedule time to dress up and/or go out.

Not sure if sharing your secret is wise, as I don't know your parents, but if you got a good job, you might be able to afford your own apartment AND buy some new clothes, and while that may delay graduation, you can work and study part time. Imagine studying late at night in a soft night gown in your own apartment!

I REALLY wish I had gotten an apartment right after I graduated and got a job, instead of staying at home.

OTOH, perhaps graduating is more important to you. In that case, you'll have to give it up for a while. But when you have your own place and money, you'll appreciate it more, too.

Just my 2c...

[KewTnCurvy GG]

I agree with Julie, come join the depression group. I think you would find it helpful. I'm not clear though, from what you posted, if you're not eating as punishment to yourself, because you're upset with your weight and/or because you're so depressed food doesn't even sound good. ??? Anyhow, big hugs, hang in there. I also think talking to someone professionally would be helpful. Is there a counseling service with your school?

[NewShy21NJmtf]

thank you all for the wonderful responses. to answer your question kew, i don't know why i'm not eating exactly. part of it is because i'm depressed and not in the mood for food, part of it is to loose weight, and part of it is because i'm mad at myself for letting myself get this big and out of shape, i used to be in great shape in high school when i was a runner, but then i got to college, i got lazy, i started eating disgusting fatty food, and i stopped running, i gained over 30 pounds in school.

Steph

[Kimberly]

Eat healthy!!

Exercise.

Don't starve yourself, that's very dangerous... just work on loosing the gut, it'll be cool :) And please don't see it as getting rid of something; try to be "improving" your body - it's just a more positive attitude.

Hope all goes well for you :)

(And you can shave your legs at your parents'... hell, I do!! [not your parents. :p])

[NylonMan]

Hi Steph, Hang in there and keep your head up. I know it's hard, but just keep in mind the good things in life, think about the things that make you feel better, the things that you like doing and please join the Deppression Group.

[Wendy me]

i would join the groupas well holly and julie and kew are right....dressing at home with mom and dad do have there draw backs for shure ....what ava said has some real good points to it as well is this school something you need now or is a little delayed greadafaction worth your getting out of mom and dads house????

on waight loss well i was a size up to 16 now a size 9 ...starveing dose not work ....
salids fruit and like to night i have done good for a long time so wendy is going to do the chinesee take out ...just eat smaller portions....not cheating ...just liveing a bit.....

[Julie York]

Running helps with depression.
Running burns off calories.

You were a runner until you stopped and became a fat depressed slob who's slobby depression is fattening in a slobby sort of self slobby fat depressing way..

Therefore:.....Go running daily! Get thin and relieve depression. Then run round here and beat the crap out of me for being so rude.



Sorry, this session is over. That'll be £30.00 :D

[Emily Ann Brown]

First, you have been given a lot of good advice on weight loss. You need to eat the right things to keep your body going while you up the calories you are burning. I hated myself at 201 but couldn't lose it. Changed the above two things and I'm now holding a nice 178.

Second, You know that there is a point in time when you will be on your own and can do what you want. It won't last forever. Set small goals that you can achieve and you won't put yourself under so much pressure. Like "I will get through this week" and concentrate on only that small period of time. I do it a lot and it does work.

Third, oh to be able to put my feet under Mom and Dad's roof for a couple of weeks. To be young again. I can't, they have passed on. Make the most of the time you have. You won't appreciate now until it's later. I'm again speaking from experience.

Last, seriously consider seeking some professional help. There is no shame in not knowing everything that's going on in your head. Who of us does?

Emily Ann

[Priscilla1018]

Sweetie,

Please join us on the depression/mental health group,having sisters to share this with can help a lot.

[NewShy21NJmtf]

thanks all again for the kind words. i did send kew a request to join the group, and i'm waiting back for her to be here and approve it. i will try to eat better (that is i will try to eat). as far as running goes, sadly i can't run anymore, i tried a few times this past year, and ended up with unbearable pain in my knees, went to the doctor yesterday and he told me i never fully healed from a knee injury senior year during cross country. surgery might help, but without it, there's no way i can run again. biking's out too. i'll find another way to excersize. thanks again for being there for me.

steph

[Krissi]

Steph,

I can relate to part of your delimma, I tore my achillies tendon and put on waaaay too much weight. Its been a few years now, and I still haven't gotten back down to where I was pre surgery, but I'm still trying. Its hard to excercise when you are overweight and dealing with an injury. I know for the longest time the only real workouts I could do was in a pool, since my legs couldn't support my full weight. Might be worth it to check out a pool to at least splash around in. I know water always helps me relax and feel better, and if nothing esle, swimming along with your legs hanging is a good upper body and cardio type workout.

As for the frustration about not being able to dress much and not having a very big wardrobe. Start small, I know I usually only want to dressfully, but there have been times that I had to settle for small victories. When I was a teen and lived at home, I'd find ways to sneak a lil bit here and there. I'd wear a skirt under a pair of baggy sweat pants, of course it was bunched up and didn't feel right, but it was also an article of girls clothes, and no one knew I had it or my panties on. You may have to settle for just putting on an article of clothing and letting that due for a bit. I know for me the computer and sights like this help me get in a femme mindset that no matter what I'm wearing I feel like a girl. In hard times we have to make do with what we can do, the little things that get us by. Good luck sweetie!

[Priscilla1018]

thanks all again for the kind words. i did send kew a request to join the group, and i'm waiting back for her to be here and approve it. i will try to eat better (that is i will try to eat). as far as running goes, sadly i can't run anymore, i tried a few times this past year, and ended up with unbearable pain in my knees, went to the doctor yesterday and he told me i never fully healed from a knee injury senior year during cross country. surgery might help, but without it, there's no way i can run again. biking's out too. i'll find another way to excersize. thanks again for being there for me.

steph

Steph,

You may be interested in what I do for a good cardio workout without the pain.I run in the lap pool at my health club;it's 3 1/2 feet deep at the shallow end and 4 1/2 feet at the deep end.The water helps support you body and there is no jarring of knees or back.I run laps every day and it burns a lot of calories.

[LA Woman]

Most people eat more than they need when they do eat. I made a point of not buying the "super size" McDonalds meal. That didn't take long to adjust to. Now I'll have just a chicken sandwich, and that fills me up. My cousin started eating half of what he put on his plate. I know that sounds wasteful, but after he got used to it for a month, he was losing weight. He never changed what kind of food he ate, just how much. He has lost about 40 pounds in 10 months just changing amounts of food. He still eats 3 square meals a day, he doesn't feel hungry, and feels better about himself.

Also I believe what Emily mentioned about making the most of the time you have is very important. There may come a time later in life where you wish you could have spent more time with parents. "time flies when you're having fun" applies here. When you enjoy the time at home and maybe even get to know the parents more, the year you have left in college will pass much more quickly.

Good luck now and in the future.

LA Woman

[kathy gg]

Hi,

You have been given lots of good advice and by your last few posts it seems to have been a good start to getting out of this funk.

I know right now it seems like you are in this situation where you can't do so many of the things you want to do and it seems like it will be this way forever. I think any person on here cd or gg can relate. Living with parents, espically after you have had some space (even if it was roommates) does make you yearn for more freedom. Freedom to dress how you like, freedom to be yourself, and just time alone. It also sucks big time when a close confidant moves away and they knew you and loved you the way you are. These are tough moments. The only thing I can say is it will all pass by, even though it seems to slow. You will eventually get your education finished (something I never did and regret) and eventually have yoru own space and all that freedom. And I don't know where you live, but someone on here who is safe &sane and nice may even be closer to you than you know. You could have a freind in real time just like yourself, wishing they had someone to talk to also.

Just get through this and eventually you will have all the freedom you want.

I won't give any advice on eating because that is a very sensative subject for me.

Sending positive and loving vibes your way.

kathy in canada

[Alison Anderson]

Stephanie, I can`t stand exercising! Feels like a terrible waste of my relaxing time! I used to go for long walks with my dog before he died but always afterwards I felt like I deserved a big feast!
But now, just eating better and more often is causing wieght loss. Short term diets suck! They always get you back in the end, with avengance!
At least once a week though, I treat myself to anything I like, but the desire to really pig out has diminished. Soon however, I will have to start doing some sit ups to flaten my tummy and strengthen my back,,, promise :rolleyes:

[NewShy21NJmtf]

Thanks in large part to all the very kind words and advice given to me here, and also in part to some loving kind words over the phone with my friend who now lives in Arizona. I have slowly started to form a healthier lifestyle. First thing was first, I treated myself to a decent, yet healthy and filling meal. I also hope to start excersizing again soon, but for now, I'm trying to make sure I don't fall back into this destructive behavior. This wasn't the first time I sunk this low, and it probably won't be the last, but with friends like you, I think I can get through it. As for missing my femme side, it really really hurts, as you all know, to have to supress who I am, but I think I can manage if I look forward to one more year, and then I'm free. I just picked up the book, 'My Husband Betty' from my school's library. I hope that having that book with me, and reading it will help me live with not being able to dress up. If it's not enough, I'll try to find healthier ways to satisfy the urge until this wave passes. I have always gone through waves where for weeks, I had no desire to dress at all, and then for weeks I would desperately need to dress, and not just dress, but during these times, I need to be a girl, or more precisely, I am a girl, and I need to act as one. This is a particularly strong wave for me, I guess the strongest of my life, and it comes at a time when my dad is unemployed, and thus always home and my friend has moved away. I think this too will pass however. Thank you all so much.

Stephanie :)