How Can I Help Him Not Worry So Much? CD & GG reply

[Emili-GG]

So, my SO is a Crossdresser and we have just started going out and buying him clothes, make up, shoes, etc. And I have been going through the stage of one day I'm okay with it, but the next I'm not. But I really truely love him and nothing in this world could ever change that. But when I have my days that I'm a little confused, he worries that I'm going to leave him and he feels really guilty. Then I feel guilty and selfish. I guess what I want to know is... what can I do to let him know I'm not going anywhere and that it's okay. That it's just going to take me a little bit longer to adjust.

[Marissa]

Hi Emili...first let me say..THANK YOU!!! for being a gg who accepts those of us who dress.. your SO is very fortunate.. most would leave quickly after nasty words..

I have not had the pleasure of such a relationship so I can only offer advice from reading others' posts or coming out to my daughter.

So in being your one of a few and keeping the relationship is very important to both.. I offer this..

Communication.. when your feeling good about it all..let him/her know.. why do you feel good???.. when you feel bad, let him/her know why you feel bad... but also LISTEN to what he/she says.. sounds like he/she really cares about how you feel and that is great.. yes assure him/her that your just having a moment...it happens to all.. even when deciding to dress or not.. i and others have moments as to "should i, do i want to???". It can be confusing and frustrating..

And even more so to someone who is willing to accept..that it may not always seem to be the person you fell in love with..but it is.. just look pass the high heels, mascara and blush :D:)

Hope this helps...

Hugs,

[Miranda09]

Hi Emily and welcome to the forum. Your situation is not too unusual. Maybe what you need to do for yourself is to ask yourself the question, and honestly answer it, "What is it that really bothers me about the CDing issue?" Obviously you love him, so he must be a special person for that to be the case. Are you uneasy because you might be afraid of lesbian tendancies (not trying to be invasive here, just posting a possibilty); are you afraid that he might become attracted to men over you (likely not, but a legitimate question); or is it just a social stigma about the whole issue? Maybe just have fun with it and explore it as any other part of his and your sexuality. I'm sure you have discovered how fun it can be, and also, it will provide for him a point of view that most guys can't see...that's the side of life from a woman's perspective, which can really enrich both your lives. I don't know if this helps any...and to be honest, I've never been in a relationship with a woman who knows about my CDing, tho I have a very good gg friend who does and we talk about it often. So maybe I'm not the best source for advice, but whatever you do, I'm sure it will all work out for the both of you....Have fun here and at home. :)

[MissConstrued]

what can I do to let him know I'm not going anywhere and that it's okay.

At the risk of sounding obvious... tell him?

One other suggestion... be a great cook. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. :)

[Emili-GG]

Thank you all very much for taking time to help me out. You gave wonderful advice and believe me I will definitley use it!

[Carole Cross]

It may be a good idea to write down how you feel and show him. Communication is always the best solution so just keep reassuring him until the message gets through. :hugs:

[Sheila]

If you click on thie Link HERE (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=191346&postcount=1) it will take you to a link that may explain a lot of what you are feeling ..... hope this helps :)

[Teri Jean]

As we go through our life with another person we need to remember that it is a two way street in that you both need to give and take. When your SO decides to dress give him the chance and to him/her when you help or allow this he/she needs to show you how much it is appreciated. There will be times where you are not on the same page but talk about it, whys and why nots. But the most the two of you can do is be honest and love each other even more. My heart goes out to you both and wish you the best.

Huggs Teri

[KimberlyJo]

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. :)

huh, I always though it was a little further south than that :heehee:

And Emili, maybe you just need to slow down a little and adjust to things a little bit at a time. Jumping head first into any situation is often not a good idea, especially something as potentially confusing as this. Talk to him about what you're feeling and just make sure he knows how your feeling when you're feeling it. He really needs to be sensitive to your feelings the same as it seems obvious you are to his. If you're feeling uncomfortable he needs to reel it in. He's lucky you're comfortable with it ever and if he doesn't know that, he needs to come here and learn a little something about it.

[Blaire]

So, my SO is a Crossdresser and we have just started going out and buying him clothes, make up, shoes, etc. And I have been going through the stage of one day I'm okay with it, but the next I'm not. But I really truely love him and nothing in this world could ever change that. But when I have my days that I'm a little confused, he worries that I'm going to leave him and he feels really guilty. Then I feel guilty and selfish. I guess what I want to know is... what can I do to let him know I'm not going anywhere and that it's okay. That it's just going to take me a little bit longer to adjust.

That's an easy one: Tell him. A lot.

That covers what. I think you've got the how down already - having gone out, and having a good time while out is more evidence than words.

[Joanne f]

Hello Emili,
first of all you should not feel selfish or guilty for having times when you feel odd about excepting it as i expect most have gone though that at some time.
Now how can you reassure him that you are not going to leave him , well in the sort term there is little that you can do in reassuring him except from talking to him and explaining that most of the time you are happy to help him as you have been doing and telling him although you get uneasy with it at time`s you have no intension's of leaving him and only time will prove that .
Good luck to you both

[TGMarla]

As has been stated, try telling him, " I'm not going anywhere and that it's okay. That it's just going to take me a little bit longer to adjust."

[AllieSummers]

Hi Emili,

Thank you so much for asking. Just be honest with him about your feelings. If you can be totally honest with him then he'll be totally honest with you.

Just talk with him. Show him how much you love him. Tell him that you would never leave him but it will take a little time to adjust. He'll understand that. The first few times we went out we would have a great night then a bad night, a great night then a bad night. It was because my wife and I were going through a lot of new things.

We simply talked about our feelings openly and it all worked out. Now my wife really loves it when I'm dressed. She also got to know my friends (CDs) and found she really likes them. They are really good people.

Tonight my wife and I are going out with a CD friend of mine from Austin. I have to work today so my wife is actually going over to my friends hotel early to help her get ready.

I think it is important for you and your spouse to get to know other people that are going through the same things. Once you realize (both of you) that these ups and downs are natural then it will make everyone feel more at ease.

You are obviously an incredible woman. Your husband is so lucky to have you and you lucky to have him.

Kisses,

Allie

[LisaM]

Emili,

I agree with most of the other posts here----just keep telling your SO that you are staying with him. Keep trying to find ways to do things together and build on your love and friendship. BTW, this is what I tell my SO all the time.

[mklinden2010]

>>>So, my SO is a Crossdresser and... I guess what I want to know is... what can I do to let him know I'm not going anywhere and that it's okay. That it's just going to take me a little bit longer to adjust.


First, you both have the freedom to do what you want to do, at any time - and you both need to keep this in mind.

Second, he should not feel guilty for messing up your life, nor should you feel guilty for messing up his. Sometimes, we chose to mess up our lives for someone else - it's calling giving of ourselves. If that bugs the other person, then perhaps they should opt out.

Freedom means free to change your mind, your friends, your relationships. And, if you're in a contract situation, you're still free to change the deal, bearing in mind the cost...

And, by the way, rather than feel guilty about anything, how about some points for the things that make him/you feel proud/happy/glad to be with such a fine person? Who hangs around with someone to feel crummy, or, to make them feel crummy? Gotta be more to your friendship and love making... Give more time and credit to the positives and the "other stuff" will not be on anyone's short list as what defines your time together. Crossdressing is, "just one of those things," for a lot of couples. Could be fishing and boats...

As others have said, you'll both have your up and down days with the crossdressing. Or, something... Living for and with other people is a work in progress no matter who the people are or what the issues... It's always something. You do better if/as you spend more time together, and you'll either work it all out or you won't. But, to learn, you have to try.

My advice to him, which you didn't ask for but which is important, is for him to act on his thoughts, desires, and impulses to dress up, try new things, etc. He's got to learn about himself/herself and he's not going to be the person he feels he is/wants to be unless he just gets on with it. Not doing so will just prolong the tension and frustration for everyone.

Meanwhile, my advice to you would be to treat him as you would anyone else who's stated their thoughts and desires and needs to work them out. Encourage a bit of this or that everyday, and, be sure and kick in some things you'd like to do too. Go in a positive direction. If things start to drag at home (no pun intended?) then say, "So, uh, what to you want to do now? What are you thinking about?" Or, "I was thinking maybe we could go to a movie later, or, go see some friends. Or, you know, paint that bathroom..."

Couples need things to do and a lot of what you do in life together, and how, really depends on the big and small efforts everyone makes to understand what everyone enjoys and what they do to see that everyone gets something out of their time together.

Thanks for taking the time to work with your BF on this. And, kudos to him for putting this on the table sooner rather than later. You'll both probably be better off in life for trying to work out these things even if total success doesn't pan out. It's not always what you do - it's that you try to do something that counts.

Good luck and good living.

[Breanne]

.......Communication.. when your feeling good about it all..let him/her know.. why do you feel good???.. when you feel bad, let him/her know why you feel bad... but also LISTEN to what he/she says.. sounds like he/she really cares about how you feel and that is great.. yes assure him/her that your just having a moment...it happens to all.. even when deciding to dress or not.. i and others have moments as to "should i, do i want to???". It can be confusing and frustrating.. .........

She says it well. I'd like to add only one thing, when telling him/her your feelings, remember, it's your feelings you are sharing, not his. That means, no judgements, recriminations or anything like that, just share and explore your own feelings.

[Carly D.]

When you get into an argument (disscusion)don't bring his cross dressing up as a problem pertaining to... realize that if you are encouraging him to express himself this way that you are ok with his cross dressing and try to work through the day to day problems without his dressing up as a compounding of the situation because more than likely it isn't.. well that was long winded horse shit...

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

...Then I feel guilty and selfish. I guess what I want to know is... what can I do to let him know I'm not going anywhere and that it's okay. That it's just going to take me a little bit longer to adjust.

This sounds incredibly familiar...

The short answer is you cannot do anything to reassure your bf that you're not going anywhere. Life is change, people change, some relationships will last and others will not.

It sounds like you're having some trouble with this... still. I understand you want a definite answer, in other words, you want to hear, "This exactly what to do and everything will be just fine."

That answer does not exist. Scrub the entire internet looking for it - it's not out there. If you simply want to be put at ease, then understand that good communication is the key to a successful relationship. Keep the doors of honest communication open, and your relationship is more likely to thrive than wither. If you have issues with your bf's crossdressing however, which it sounds like you do (at least for now), you have to ask yourself if that's something you'll be happy with in the long term.

Your bf will not change in that respect. Crossdressing doesn't go away any more than being right-handed just goes away. If you put pressure on him or he feels guilty enough, he may try to give up crossdressing and be successful at it for a time. But, it does not go away. Regardless of what he tells you, inside it will be a difficult game of suppression for him. He'll be suppressing essentially who he is. That is not healthy and will manifest itself in some kind of emotional problems in his life.

Just be honest and open with each other. No lying. No hiding feelings. Take things one day at a time and allow the relationship to develop naturally. Rather than tell you bf you'll always be there for him, let him know IN YOUR ACTIONS that you are there for him now. Insecurities about the future of a relationship will cause trouble. Focus on what is, and not what might be - BOTH of you.

I'll wish you both much luck, and say once again:

"How ever things work out, I wish both of you all the best in life." :)

[VeronikaDonahue]

Hi Emili,
Thank you for being supportive of your SO. As a X-Dresser myself with a GG girlfriend, I can relate to what you are going through. It is tough being a GG and being involved with a X-Dresser. You said that some days you are down with it, and other days you aren't. Just think of it like this, in a regular relationship with a non CDer, you have the same emotions just different situations. The only difference now, is that you have one more thing to add to the pie. You get a guy that will sit and talk with you, share emotions with you(that a normal guy won't normally share), and someone you can give fashion advice to, lol. There will be negatives to it, sure, but I will bet that the positives will outweigh the negatives.
If you find yourself in a situation where your SO wants to wear something that is outrageous, tell your SO that you do not approve of that outfit, and give suggestions as to how you can help. Your SO might have hurt feelings, and say things like me, such as "What, are you ashamed of me?" Upon listening to her, I see that in all actuality she does care about me, and is trying to help me achieve what I want, which is public acceptance. Stick in there, and things will work out.

[Carol Richards]

Emili,
the biggest thing I can stress is good comunication. I always talk to my wife and always want to know how she is feeling and want her to tell me everything and not hold anything back. That was my biggest worry in the begining when I told her. I was afraid she would leave me and not want to be with me because of my liking to dress up.
Don't be afraid to be honest with your feelings as that his biggest worry is the shame and the guilt that all of us feel at times. The more we talked about it the more comfortable I felt knowing that me dressing was not going to drive her away. She also has days where it is not as appealing(me dressing up) to her.
Just be supportive and be there and let him know how you feel. My wifes support has made me feel great in the fact that someone will love me for who I am and not because of the way I dress. I am so lucky to have been blessed with such a special wife. MAN I LOVE HER!!!

I hope this will be of some help to you.......................:)