Let's give things a second try...

[Poetic Awakening]

Okay...

So I joined this group not all that long ago. I am out to my wife, and things are really hard. I decided to try and slow things down in order to focus on our marriage issues, and for some reason felt compelled to delete every post on this board, and not pay a second thought to it. To just sort of be who I am, where I am, and not try and get myself all worked up over needing to do this or that.

Well, that isn't working. Truth is, I am transsexual. And my wife can't find it in herself (as of right now) to accept that. Herein lies the hurtful comments I would imagine are not alien to other people who are in or were in this sort of situation. My wife loves me as a male, and hates what I "am becoming". We are separated right now only because of her job (she should be coming back early Sept.), and she tells me she cries herself to sleep now. She even starts crying during the day at work. It's tough, but she doesn't really understand me, and when I try to be sympathetic, she basically says I am insincere, because I'm the one being selfish and uncompromising. This is all my fault.

So here I am again. I am having to look into quite a few things for our future, my future, and how all of this might end. Things don't look good now, as I am in a foreign country where I cannot really receive the care I would need, like preliminary gender counseling and all of that. At least, I don't think the military doctors (as I am a veteran) would be so kind as to help me out with something like this.

If I go back to live with my parents or other friends/family in Atlanta, would I even be able to find the resources and help that I would need? Anyone have any background there?
If I were to start from scratch, and move to a new area/state, I'm not sure that would make things all that easier. And I would only consider this if there was no way to save my marriage. But I know at least where this path begins, whether I ever fully transition or have any type of surgery (I don't make decisions like that this early. Though I know it is something that feels quite right).

Frankly, I want to hold on to the special relationship I have, but I know that it isn't going to be healthy for me or my wife to do so, if that requires both of us to really fake any form of happiness. And my being trans isn't just going to go away, like she is hoping :sad: I won't allow myself to be that naive anymore, and would love any tips, resources, and advice you all could offer.

P.S., I'm so sorry for leaving you girls! :sad: I feel so bad about that. But I really look forward to new friendships, because I could really use some right now! :battingeyelashes:

Thank you all for your help.

Sincerely,
Poetic

[Joan Merrie]

There are many resources, around Atlanta. I drive 2 hours to see my therapist and my Dr.:hugs::love:

P.S. I'm sorry about your wife. Hopefully with time she will accept you.

[MJ]

and for some reason felt compelled to delete every post on this board, and not pay a second thought to it.

What about your words of wisdom that someone else could have used ?

how do i know you wont delete this thread ? we can't afford to play games with our lives and feelings. before you delete anything else try to think of other sisters who are here to try and help not only you but all of us..

[Poetic Awakening]

There are many resources, around Atlanta. I drive 2 hours to see my therapist and my Dr.:hugs::love:

P.S. I'm sorry about your wife. Hopefully with time she will accept you.

Thanks. I will try to look into it best I can.


What about your words of wisdom that someone else could have used ?

how do i know you wont delete this thread ? we can't afford to play games with our lives and feelings. before you delete anything else try to think of other sisters who are here to try and help not only you but all of us..

I deserved that. But know that at the time, my wife was 'tracking' me down, and unexpectedly brought up a Virb profile that was altered to show a feminine form of my name in a phone conversation, shortly after I told her about my being trans. So I was quite paranoid, and felt a little hurt by how she decided to address it... it was hard for me, and regrettable. There seems to be few places I can try and express myself and explore the matter away from friends and family until I decide to come out to them. Do you disagree with my attempts to rebuild myself here?

Poetic

[Kaitlyn Michele]

guilt and shame...the twins that hold many of us back..

and they are big 800 lb gorillas sometimes..

for what its worth, i got separated, divorced, and 2 yrs later started to transition and my ex and i get along with lots of love and affection, just not as husband and wife...

[MJ]

Do you disagree with my attempts to rebuild myself here?

Poetic

you are very welcome here sis. just do hit delete and run.

sometimes no matter how much you love someone you just have to let go and move on. take the good what little there is and all the bad. dust yourself off and move forward.

i did love my ex with all my heart but she could not live with the other woman :straightface:

[Veronica_Jean]

Poetic,

I suspect many of us have gone through the purge/denial/awakening/return throughout our lives until we one day recognize that just because we don't want to be trans, does not mean we can be. It is how we are born IMHO and sooner or later we embrace it or we die. Maybe not a physical death, but one nonetheless.

There are a lot of resources all over the world. I don't have a ready list, but I bet if you spend some time looking through the internet you will find them. I know of a few in my local support group that are veterans and some of them get proper care through that route.

The reaction from your spouse is quite understandable as she feels your time together has been a lie from the start. Having gone through that myself I know how terrible that feels, but it is true. We have been hiding from ourselves, lying to ourselves and the world about our inner person most of our lives. One day we simply can not continue living that way. Mainly time, honesty, and an attempt at understanding is the only way to get through this. In the end, you may be part or together but you both will have a chance to live without the pain and torture of not living the truth.

I tried for so many years to not be myself. I even went to a psychiatrist who years ago "cured me" of my transvestism. Yet today I am in the middle of transition and I am 20 some years older.

Only you can decide what path to follow. We all have had to make that same decision. No matter your course, there are going to be resources available to you, and of course all the wonderful women here to listen, cry, sympathize, and "tell it like it is", right along with you.

:hugs:

Veronica

[MelissaSue]

I really look forward to new friendships, because I could really use some right now! :battingeyelashes:

We can't have too many friends, especially when things get unbearably stressful. Lots of open arms here. Welcome back!

[Joan Merrie]

PM me I have phone numbers.

[BreenaDion]

Poetic , It seams you are just a little bit of transitioning behind me.
First of all try an get counciling for you an your wife.
Your transition is only to keep going an get more female in time, what I hear
Seams some women get horrified when there male turns female
You might have to start all over if she doesnt except you.
You have to be true to your self and in your conviction to recieve hormones
You will need to atrablish a team to go forward with transition.
Ph.D in LGBT works great,PCP an Endocrinolgist to get hormones.
Your Psychologist has final say if you need surgery. Very helpful to have 1

Your Psychologist will help you with your marrage to keep the family unit together how ever small or large. Sometimes its a divorce sadly to say is the only real cure. If there ever is 1.... painful but you must be Mentally sound and thats the Psychologist job. Iam not new in these erea's

Need more help if I can or a shoulder, Id love to cry with you, seams that goes with the territory. breenadion@yahoo.com

Good luck an hope I helped Love Bree :love:

[Jessinthesprings]

Poetic,

I do not think your choices are selfish. I can hear the pain, and worry in your words. You, I, and the rest of us all know that we cannot simply throw these feelings into the garbage and walk away, and many would jump at that chance. That being said I think she's confused right now. She fears the loss of someone she loves. Many people can't see that we are the same before and after only happeir generally. I think she is also conflicted with her own sexuality now. I know my wife has issues with this. She may have even said things like, "I'm not a lesbian." But being with you makes her one, and she loves you... Hmmm. that has to be hard to wrap your mind around.

For what it's worth (and not much at all). Transition is not something you should rush into. It takes a lot of soul searching, and counseling before you can even consider moving to that level. If I was you I would join a local support group (assuming there is one in your area), and encourage your wife to join you. I also would encourage her to talk to other women who are dealing with similar issues. Perhaps they can give her some ounce of information that might put her issues to rest. Meanwhile you can visit a theripist, and at leat getting the satisfaction of moving towards your goal. Hopefully by the time talking is not enough anymore she'll be there for you. It takes time for someone to sort out their feelings, and it's never wise to push them faster than they are ready. Just my :2c:

Jess

[Poetic Awakening]

Thank you all for your replies.

My wife has sort of come to that point where she can't take anymore of it, not until we are in a therapeutic setting, or if I feel there is something vital I must share with her... Not really a solution, but basically, out of sight, out of mind is what she wants right now.

I am going to be doing as much looking into my care options as I can. That might take a while, but I do need to at least do what I can. My wife and I have decided to see a marriage counselor if we can, once she gets back. She will be leaving again in January, so she will be busy until then, to say the least.

For me, though, I feel counseling is the best thing for me right now. It just might be a little hard getting to see a good therapist, seeing how things simply are. We will see.

Again, thank you all for your support.

Poetic

[Beth-Lock]

Now, now. No kicking a person when they are down.

I am sensitive these days about that, since I have had many things go wrong in my life this last year, and it seems instead of support, many people kick me when I am down, by dumping on me or friends and acquaintances deserting me. I think that when I get through this, if I do, I will never forget those who helped me and stood by me. The rest, is forgettable, I hope.

[Empress Lainie]

Poetic - I am really sorry that your wife cannot bring herself to accomocate the real you. But this is a common tale, I am afraid. She feels like she didn't marry a woman, which is what you truly are. Yet I know of many couples where they stayed together for many years,and one of them said their partnership was never about sex. I can see those two really love each other deeply. It is too bad every story can't have a happy ending.