How to be the CD that women are attracted to.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi ladies,
There has always been a common thread running through a good majority of the posts on here and its that of the desire of most CDs to be Accepted and respected for who they are. Be it in society in general or with family, friends, spouses or intended spouse.

One of the things that I have continually encouraged you all to do is to be positive about who you are and hold your head up with pride, rather than down with a miriad of excuses of why you like to CD.

I got to thinking about why some CDs are more attractive than others and why some get acceptance and some dont seem to quite hit the mark, and I came to the conclusion that its all to do with STRENGTH of CHARACTER, SELF RESPECT, SELF IMAGE and CONFIDENCE

When you think about it the type of people that we are naturally attracted to are people who have self belief and dont seem to be too concerned about other peoples opinions because they respect themselves and dont have a problem with what they like to do. We are attracted to natural leaders which in a good majority of cases from a womans view point is a man who makes them feel safe and eliminates uncertainty from their lives. We all want a spouse that we can respect and look to for support, encouragement direction and guidance.

So where does that leave the man who is more in touch with his feminine side and needs to express it through his dressing but wants a GG partner. Well I'd have to admit that its more difficult for a CD to appeal to a woman who wants her spouse to be masculine through and through. So hey avoid them, if you want a certian type of a woman for a partner dont lower your standards, thats not respecting yourself. Go after the type of woman you want instead of settling for what you can easily get. Take heart, not all women see femininity in their partner as a Weakness. That is probably the key word here. How many of you display signs of Weakness and frailty and make excuses for what you do, how many of you think of it as some kind of affliction that needs to be pitied and understood by everyone, how many of you are ashamed of what you do and how many of you think society owes you respect and acceptance. You maybe dont realise your doing it but this kind of attitude affects your body language and doesn't fill others with confidence when their around you because they pick up on your negative vibes.

There is one CD in particular on here who stands out for me. He does believe in himself, He does have fun with it, he can laugh at himself, he doesn't make excuses, he doesn't take himself too seriously but he respects who he is and he certainly doesn't worry too much about other peoples opinion. Sometimes he tends to come over as a tad arrogant but in a funny kind of a way that is part of the attraction of his character. His wife isn't wholeheartedly with him on it, but hey theyre still together and in love and he doesn't appear to let it come between them, infact quite the contrary they make time for each other to do family things aside of his CDing. He continually tells us funny stories and he makes us all laugh with his one liners.
Now for me, and I'm sure other females would agree, he is an attractive, intrigueing and interesting individual. If i were to bump into him in a club whilst he was dressed I'd immediately be interested in this guy. His confidence and self belief would immediately get my attention and I'd be impressed with his Strength of character . Ok so he's extrovert, what about those of you who aren't. Well self belief doesn't have to be loud and in your face, it can be much more subtle. Introvert people succeed in other areas of their life provided they have belief in themselves,they just go about it in a different way and maybe have to be a tad more creative.
So hey how about giving it a try. Stop making lame excuses and viewing your CDing as some kind of mental disability. It isn't your just wired slightly different which actually makes you quite unique.
Take care
Bev

[skirtsuit]

Stop making lame excuses and viewing your CDing as some kind of mental disability

I've only finally come to that conclusion this past week. Instead of hiding alone in the house, I've started to meet other CDs because I realized that Cding is something that makes me special, not a freak.

I don't want to repeat the description, but the day I had yesterday giving out womens clothes from home was a great lesson is what you're talking about. When asked about where all the nice clothing came from, I looked the person in eye and told them I'm a clothing-obsessed CD, trying to thin the closets alittle. I agree, I think people respond positively to confidence.

All the best,

Skirt Suit

PS - Bev, Thank you!

[PaulaJaneThomas]

I'm the only cross-dressing Badger in the village. Does that make me special?

[AllieSummers]

Hi Bev,

Great post. I think that key to attacting people (all people) is confidence.

I'm sure all of us have seen some guy that has a beautiful wife. You wonder how he got her. I wouldn't rule out money. That could be the reason. But I would tend to believe that the reason is self confidence.

I'm personally attracted to people that carry themselves well. You don't have to be the prettiest girl on here. You just have to believe in yourself.

I have a really good friend that is a CD and she is one of the most incredible people you would ever meet, she would be a catch for anyone but she is totally lacking self confidence. She has a really hard time attracting people because she always keeps her head down, sits in the corner and doesn't make an effort to approach other people. She is basically waiting for someone to knock her over the head and drag her to their cave. :)

I also have a really good friend (that isn't nearly as physicaly attractive as my other friend) that has to beat people off with a stick. She is upbeat, talkative, out going and exudes confidence. She'll be the first one to go out to the dance floor, starts conversations with anyone about anything and when she walks in the room she "owns it".

I always say, "if you don't have it, fake it". Well that sounds kinda silly but if you don't have confidence then pretend you do. Once you find out that it works then you'll have it and will not have to fake it.

I guess you have to develop and little bit of the "who cares what anyone thinks" attitude. I used to really want everyone to like me (I still do). But I've come to realize that not everyone will like you, no matter what you do. Some my really dislike you. But really what difference does it make? You'll find plenty of friends and attact that special someone.

So girls, go out there and "own it". You'll find that people will be attracted to you if you exude a high level of confidence in yourself.

Kisses,

Allie

P.S. Oh yeah, you need to learn to love yourself before others will love you.

[Bev06 GG]

LOl yes very special and quite unique, a cause for celebration I'd say.
Bev

[crusadergirl]

Very good i like how u think and your right. Its simple yet many don't get it.

[TxKimberly]

LOl yes very special and quite unique, a cause for celebration I'd say.
Bev


Great post! I'd write more but have a 5 week old critter sleeping in one arm. Sorta limits the typing speed! lol

[charlie]

Hello Bev!
I always enjoy it when you give us advice from a woman's point of view. I value and respect what you say. We (crossdressers) tend to be a bit arrogant and think we know everything about being ladies, when really we only have a partial idea. Your perspective helps keep us grounded. Thanks!

[PaulaJaneThomas]

LOl yes very special and quite unique, a cause for celebration I'd say.
Bev

I'll get right onto it :D :drink::drink::drink::drink:

[deja true]

You're dead on, as usual, Bev.

And that attraction factor, of self confidence and (a touch of) self pride works in all ways, too. Hetero-normal relationships, too.

Clark Kent is the same handsome dude in a suit or in red and blue tights, but the reporter is a wimped out loser, ain't he?

Walk tall, girls!

:)

[stefanie]

Great post Bev. Thank you for sharing.

It helps to have someone tell it like it is so we can make sure we are thinking straight and/or at least realize other perspectives to be open and honest with ourselves. I think we are all searching for what makes us who we are. The more we hear how less unique and more similar we are as humans seems like a great first step to acceptance and building our confidence as we continue to take those first steps out the door.

great thoughts!!

[Margot]

Thanks Bev. I really appreciate your insight. It gives us all food for thought.
Margot

[Holly]

Bev, a most insightful post! Your views are always appreciated. And I think you are 100% right. I look at my TG life as an extension of my so-called "normal" life. I've met 100's of sisters and the number one thing that holds them back is a lack of confidence and a belief in themselves when they are presenting en femme. In one of the organizations I am affiliated with, I am a Big Sister. I get to spend time with girls and help them build their confidence. The transformations are spectacular. I've seen girls go from being afraid to leave their room (read, closet) to enjoy shopping, dancing, and interacting with the public in general, both male and female. I believe most of us, when trying to relate to another, want to relate to a real person, not some "character" being presented. The me I present when dressed, is the same me I am, only prettier :).

[paulaN]

Hi Bev. Thanks. I was kinda bummed out today (for other reasons than cding). What you wrote really picked me up. I think you are so right. And it does not necessarily have to do with cding ether. It does have everything to do with living life as best we can and to be as happy as we can. And if cding makes you happy "Well" isn't that just the greatest thing. Certainly not a curse but a gift. Great post Bev. I hope it get lots of us thinking and doing. And now I am happy thanks to you. good job already Bev.

[Jonianne]

Bev, you always present such wonderful insight. Thank you for taking time out to give real life advice.

For me, it was absolutely necessary to go through years of individual and group therapy to get to the point of being secure in myself, but I worked hard and stuck to it and came out in much better emotional and mental shape.

[Amy Lynn3]

Bev, you hit the nail on the head with this post. I am old now, but the advise you give today rang true with me when I was in the 8th grade. From that date until now I have lived by that advise and I can tell anyone it works. You stated it much better than I ever could. Hugs and kisses,
Amy Lynn

[dawnmarrie1961]

Bev,
All I can say about your post is "Wow" with a capital "w"!! I don't want to add anything to your words nor do I want to take anything away.
It stands by itself as the whole hearted truth that it is.
You hit the nail on the proverbial head!
Rang the bell!
Turned the lights on!
Eureka!!

A standing ovation for Beverly is in order! I tip my cup of coffee to you.
Finally! Somebody who "gets it"!
Keep up the good work.

Be safe . Be smart.
Dawn

[TxKimberly]

No question in my mind that your on to something with that. I can honestly say that my wife was the proverbial hottie - she was very cute and more than a little sexy when she felt playful.
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1425/536684798_363ff18ec9.jpg
See what I mean? :D

While her looks of course impressed me, it was her confidence that impressed me the most. To someone as shy and bashful as I was at the time, she glowed like a thousand watt light bulb to me. Such confidence, so cocky, and so self assured. I can't think of anything as alluring as that.

[rebecca_morris_75]

A+ post, Bev. Very well said.

[LisaM]

Bev,

Thank you for the post. I always struggle to project the person that I feel inside and yet I watch others do it so well. I truly think I am a step from opening up and I always look at people like you are describing and wish I could. Your post is like a breath of fresh air---no matter who we are we can be attractive and proud of ourselves.

[Andy66]

I've met 100's of sisters and the number one thing that holds them back is a lack of confidence and a belief in themselves when they are presenting en femme.

Absolutely. A confident, friendly CD is beautiful and captivating.

Now all you have to do is figure out how to cultivate self-confidence without arrogance. :)

[Kathi Lake]

Bev,

Out of the mouth of babes indeed! Of course, in your case, I mean "babe" as in "Wow, what a babe!" :)

As others have said, you hit the nail right on the head. I see many posts along the lines of, "I have part of my look down, but still don't feel it. What can I do to feel/look/be more womanly. The answer is attitude. Who do you want to be around - the shy, unassuming, apologetic wallflower, or the woman that lights up the room as soon as she enters? That woman often isn't the prettiest, but there is a certain something about her that almost compels you to have fun. Be that woman! There are a few women on this site that "fit the bill" of the person Bev is talking about. They have confidence, they have class, and they have attitude (one in particular, oh curmudgeonly one!). How did they get there? Ask them. They'll probably tell you that they were once like you - shy, afraid, depressed, even repulsed. They managed to work through it, accept who they are, and become the person they are now.

How do you get there? Simple. Realize that you are perfect and right and normal. Don't worry about what society says. Heck, society thinks that most of the "actresses" out there have actual talent, when all they really have going for them is what they can stuff inside their WonderBra, so what does society really know anyway? Realize that you are a wonderfully-made person with an incredibly interesting hobby - and a wardrobe to match! Love yourself, hold your head up high, get out there and have fun! The world needs more beauty in it.

Kathi

[MsJanessa]

Bev your post made my day now if I can only get your hot look, it would be perfect---How about this? lol

[Eve_WA]

I have seen first hand this in action. When I first started coming out, I was the shy, fearful, wallflower. I cant say I got a lot of negative attention, but I didnt get a lot of positive either.

In the last year, I have learned to accept myself, who I am, and what I am... and I love it! (vs fear, and shame). And I can tell you... things have changed 180degrees! I now get LOADS of positive attention.. Im told how beautiful I am, how great I look, and am surrounded by others who want to get to know ME!!! Which, this too has helped build the confidence. I can tell you... IT WORKS!

Accept yourself, Love yourself, BE YOURSELF... best advice I can give!

Way to go Bev!! High 5s!

Eve

[Andrea_1948]

Well said Bev, I feel validated now and by a GG, it doesn't get any better than that! However, it's seems to be a paradox to me (forgive the context change but I think the point is still relevant) You say, "... from a womans view point is a man who makes them feel safe and eliminates uncertainty from their lives." If that is indeed a woman's point of view that is, feeling unsafe and uncertain, then doesn't that infer the timidness many of us seem to display on this board is therefore a part of the feminine personna we strive to acheive? The second question is do other board members feel just as intimidated while in male mode, say at work with a female boss?

[Bev06 GG]

Very nice Janessa,
Thanks ladies for your kind comments but as many of you have said a positive attitude works wonders in every walk of your life. I had to do a talk a couple of weeks at a School Inspectors Convention and tell them about my job and what it was that I did for a living. By the time I'd finished several of them said that I had made my job sound really exciting and something that if they didn't already have a career, theyde certainly be interested in giving mine a go.

Maybe thats another school of thought when someone asks you why you CD. Tell them all the positive and exciting things that you get to do over and above a regular guy. Make it sound as exciting as it can be if you let go of your inhibitions. I started my talk with the Words "I am so proud of what I do and who I work for" and I said it with conviction. Maybe instead of running for cover when someone talks about your CDing its time to say much the same and make it sound like an attractive alternative lifestyle. Dont immediately assume that theyre going to be condeming of your chosen lifestyle, they may well be, but imagine if they were actually interested and you made it sound so wonderful that they wondered what they were missing out on. Enthusiasm is very catching and there is something very attractive about someone who has a very positive attitude to life.
A few years ago I was at a party with some friends when one guy started to talk about his hobby. I feared the worst because it was Fishing, something that I cannot for the life of me muster up any interest or ehthusiasm whatsoever. However, by the time this guy had finished telling us all about it I wanted to go and give it ago. Needless to say I did do and decided that yes my first thoughts were correct, fishing was definitely not for me. But hey, how did he manage to convince me that it was worth giving a go, Enthusiasm. Ok he didn't turn me into an enthusiast myself but he motivated me to give it ago and almost convinced me that it was exciting. Beleive me that was a miracle in itself.
Take care and have a lovely positive day
Bev
PS Andrea I take your point but wanting to feel safe in an uncertain world isn't a weak feminine kind of feeling. Its wanting that certainty of someone dependable to face life with. Giving you stability, companionship, trust, acceptance, unconditional love and everything else that goes with it. Not all GGs are timid wall flowers, but most appreciate a strong loving dependable partner to help them face anything that life has to throw their way.

[Andrea_1948]

Thank you Bev for that reply. I certainly agree with you whole heartedly both from my female and my male side. I believe that there is no distinction between genders with regard to wanting to feel safe, secure, accepted, wanted, strong, dependent and independant, etc, etc equally, it's a human thing.

[Bev06 GG]

Yes your dead right there Andrea, and the easiest way to get that is to give it. Which can mean that as the CD you have to be the one to stand up and be counted and meet people where they are with all their prejudices and misunderstandings. You can change the world, but you have to do it one person at a time.
Bev

[vivianann]

I agree 100% Bev. since I have come out of the closet 3 yrs ago, and went out in public enfemm, I went out and acted like I owned the place, and much to my surprise peaple responded positively to me, hundreds of peaple over the past 3 yrs told me they admired my confidence and courage to dress how I prefer to dress. I do walk aroud holding my head high, and from what peaple who see me enfemme say, they say I become animated and I light up the area when I am interacting with everyone around me, whether it is at a party, a store, or any public setting, I like to talk to peaple about crossdressing, I welcome peaple to ask questions about it because as Bev says it, I am educating one person at a time by answering their questions and presenting myself accordingly by dressing nice but not over the top, smile when you encounter peaple, I tell peaple I love to wear dresses, or to dress as a woman, I have gained many wonderful friendships as a result of going out enfemme. and from the many experiences I have had while dressed enfemme, women do respond positively to me. I all too often encounter many crossdressers who look better than I do enfemme, who are to scared to go out the door enfemme, it is sad and disapointing at times. I am not all that passable but that does not stop me, and I really enjoy being out enfemme as Vivian and interacting with the general public, and I have had hundreds of wonderful experiences in public when I am dressed as a woman. I am addicted to going out the door enfemme because I know I will have wonderful experiences. Bev, I really enjoyed reading what you posted on this thread, and I really appreciate the wonderful advice you are giving us in this community. You are singing my tune for sure.
Huggs Vivian.

[Kelsy]

Bev,

We are glad you're in our corner. I always look forward to what you have to say!! I tend to be a an introvert and I struggle to be social!! I am Not ashamed of who I am though No head hanger here! My wife is very out going an I take cues from her. She has taught me to open up and tobe more confident

Kelsy:hugs:

[cassandra2601]

Bev

A very thoughtful and insightful analysis. I think Allie's comments about loving yourself before anyone else will love you.

I am very fortunate that I have never been in the closet with my close GG friends and they are all fantastic and very encouraging. My SO at the moment loves the whole idea, sex and all so I am very fortunate.

I think the other key to passing and being accepted is not too overdo it - my SO says that I would stand out because I love great quality clothes and shoes - and people tend to look at you more if you stand out - she has been encouraging me to "tone it down" along with the makeup (**** at heart LOL!) and that softens my face especially when she makes me up..

So thanks again for your insight - I think you are absolutely right.

Cassy

[carolynn2fem]

Bev, In one of the organizations I am affiliated with, I am a Big Sister. I get to spend time with girls and help them build their confidence. The transformations are spectacular. I've seen girls go from being afraid to leave their room (read, closet) to enjoy shopping, dancing, and interacting with the public in general :).

I'd like to know more on this orginization. confidance is something that is lacking with both sides of me. i'm not afraid to put myself out there but i lack the confidance in self doing so

[MissConstrued]

There are a few men on this site that "fit the bill" of the person Bev is talking about. They have confidence, they have class, and they have attitude (one in particular, oh curmudgeonly one!).

There. I corrected that for you. :)



Heck, society thinks that most of the "actresses" out there have actual talent, when all they really have going for them is what they can stuff inside their WonderBra,


I used to think that, too, and that may be the case for a lot of the flash-in-the-pan Hollyweird "talent." But think about the most successful actors. They do have something a little different; something other than just their looks. They have a kind of charisma that's hard to describe -- a magnetic personality. That's why people will watch every movie with a certain actor in them, even if the movie itself is rubbish. If you ever get the chance to meet some of them in person, you'll understand.




Well said Bev, I feel validated now and by a GG,

I think you've completely missed Bev's point. You shouldn't be looking externally for validation. That's the "self" part of "self confidence."




then doesn't that infer the timidness many of us seem to display on this board is therefore a part of the feminine personna we strive to acheive?

Why is timidity something to strive for? I daresay it isn't. I find it a pathetic quality in women, and it's downright repulsive in men. The kind of woman I like is like my great-granny, riding across the plains in a covered wagon, shooting Indians -- the proverbial one to "ride the river with." Gentle and classy, but solid and dangerous.

I guess I just missed the part of "transvestite" that says I have to change my voice, squat to pee, rename myself, act fey, and simper. All the Jungian psychology may have some truth to it, but to the rest of humanity, it just sounds like making excuses for engaging in what, for most of us, is simply a pleasurable activity.

[Bev06 GG]

Thats the word isn't it. CHARISMA. When you walk into a room people notice you and its nothing to do with how you look, its just a presence. Its something from deep within that comes pouring out when your with people and they kind of like being around you. Alot of charismatic people are people lovers, they take an interest, without being nosey, in others around them and they enjoy every minute of being in someone else's company. Their focus is never directed at themselves but others around them and thats an attractive attribute in anyone specially today when society has become a tad self obsessed.
Take care
Bev

[Satrana]

Excellent post Bev, worthy to be made a sticky. I hope all members take your advice to heart. It is time to move on from all the self pity we see around here.

[sometimes_miss]

Interesting posts, Bev, but you're setting a lot of us up for a fall. To quote Dave DeAngelo, attraction isn't a choice. People either feel it or they don't. And if there's something that turns us off about a person, nothing in the world is going to change that. I don't know a lot of guys (alright, I don't know any) who are turned on by a woman in a man's haircut, wearing a mustache, a man's suit, underwear and shoes, wearing Brut or Old Spice aftershave, doing her best to emulate a male in every mannerism she can. Unfortunately for us, that same problem holds true for most women when they look at us. I'm not saying there aren't women out there that may be interested in us; but no amount of confidence is going to automatically turn the other 99% around. There are plenty of confident a$$holes out there too, that aren't attractive to anyone either. Confidence is good, yes, but it's only one part of a many pieced puzzle.

[Miranda09]

Thanks Bev for this wonderful post and all the responses that have come along with it. Confidence IS the key here and tho I'm still developing it, I'm sure one day I'll come completely out of the closet. It's often not easy for us to do so, but with the support of others like yourself, it will happen. :)

[Kathi Lake]

There. I corrected that for you. :)Thank you, MisterConstrued. :)

Kathi

[Bev06 GG]

Interesting posts, Bev, but you're setting a lot of us up for a fall. To quote Dave DeAngelo, attraction isn't a choice. People either feel it or they don't. And if there's something that turns us off about a person, nothing in the world is going to change that. I don't know a lot of guys (alright, I don't know any) who are turned on by a woman in a man's haircut, wearing a mustache, a man's suit, underwear and shoes, wearing Brut or Old Spice aftershave, doing her best to emulate a male in every mannerism she can. Unfortunately for us, that same problem holds true for most women when they look at us. I'm not saying there aren't women out there that may be interested in us; but no amount of confidence is going to automatically turn the other 99% around. There are plenty of confident a$$holes out there too, that aren't attractive to anyone either. Confidence is good, yes, but it's only one part of a many pieced puzzle.

Well I couldn't agree more with you on that one. I dont know one single guy who is turned on by a woman dressed as a man, however, your talking like a bloke and from a male perspective there. Men are visual, they are attracted to beauty, if you asked guys what they were first attracted to regarding thier spouse their looks would be at the top of the list. Women on the other hand rate personality as one of the hightest priorities and are very attracted to confident individuals, the looks although still there is way down on the list of priorities for a spouse.

We regularly have get togethers with our friends at our home. We have around 14 couples that we regularly mix with, all with accepting wives. I doubt very much if that would happen if it were the other way round and it was the lady dressed as the guy so that just goes to show how different we are from men.
Take care and thanks for your thoughts.
Bev

[Nicole Erin]

Sometimes miss -
Thing is, it may be harder for a TG to find an accepting wife, but lacking confidence makes it even harder.

There is always taslk of confidence and having it but where does it come from?
You have to get to the point where you are comfy with yourself and you cannot let a blow to your ego keep you down. They come, just get back up.

If you can at least fake condifence and be polite, that attracts people or at least keeps them from givingyou a hard time. "hey this person is cool, that is refreshing" is what many will think.

When you feel like slouching in feeling nervous, that is when it is most important to pull your head back up.

Those intimidated by your confidence will not mess with you, and those who find it attractive will possibly be new friends, and, maybe a new lover. :D

I am still trying to perfect my feelings of confidence, it is getting way better. And it it paying off.

[Andrea_1948]

I think you've completely missed Bev's point. You shouldn't be looking externally for validation. That's the "self" part of "self confidence."

Actually, I did understand her point, I was just being a little cocky. I get that way sometimes, it's a trait, or perhaps a hormone I inherited from somewhere.


Why is timidity something to strive for? I daresay it isn't. I agree.


I find it a pathetic quality in women, and it's downright repulsive in men. The kind of woman I like is like my great-granny, riding across the plains in a covered wagon, shooting Indians -- the proverbial one to "ride the river with." Gentle and classy, but solid and dangerous.
Totally agree.


I guess I just missed the part of "transvestite" that says I have to change my voice, squat to pee, rename myself, act fey, and simper. All the Jungian psychology may have some truth to it, but to the rest of humanity, it just sounds like making excuses for engaging in what, for most of us, is simply a pleasurable activity.
I couldn't agree with you more!!! Given that the Jungian theory [going beyond Freud's pleasure-pain principle (if it feels good, do it)] encompasses the entire self, physical as well as emotional, they play on each other to describe the whole of ones self and attitude toward things. So, by putting on pretty and soft clothing my physical self is stroking my emotional self and damn it feels good!
Given that, why is it that sometimes I end up feeling like I'm one of Pavlov's dogs? I guess because my sense of community (and employment) tells me that I have to conform. At least when I'm in view of the public.

By the way MissConstrued I like you.

[TGMarla]

:D

Thanks Bev! What a great post! And you are sooooo right about what you're saying. That's what's so great about having real girls here on this forum. You said exactly what most of us need to hear. That's one reason I come here. Nowhere else can I hear that kind of input. You rock, girlfriend!

I don't go out much. If I were single, or with a more accepting wife, I'd likely get out a whole lot more. The primary reason I stay housebound most of the time is out of deference to her. Otherwise, I'd likely be running around en femme much of my spare time. I was real nervous the first time I left the house. But I found that when I was actually out and about, I had very little real nervousness. I carried myself like I belonged where I was, wherever I was. And no one even batted an eye at me, except in an approving manner, likely because I am almost always dressed very nicely. And while wearing a dress likely drew more attention to me, all I experienced was positive attention. And this increased my confidence. As a result of increased confidence, that confidence probably showed, and made the experience even more positive.

PMA, bay-bee! Positive Mental Attitude. It carries one a long way. We should all try it sometime! Thanks again, Bev. I'm glad you're here, and I'm glad to call you my friend.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

I'm Transsexual and so far I've come out to about 30 people so far with positive responses from all. I have come to believe as you that if your are confident, don't project an air of timidity and are accepting of yourself, then others will accept you as well. The moment you think, what you are is wrong, others will pick up on it and will reflect that feeling back to you.

Excellent advice for anyone. :battingeyelashes: Kim

[CLARRISA]

A lot of What you say struck a lot of chords with me...i'd say i'm the introvert shy type..Even though i have the confidence to go out and about as Clarrisa, as regards talking to people and trying to attract a woman to love and accept me, well, it gets me down, i do feel ashamed and think they'd see this as a weakness, they'd wipe the floor with me, boss me around & show me no respect when back in guy mode.....Your message was just what needed to see..thank you....

[Paige.]

What a wonderful post Bev. I couldn't agree more with you that it isn’t just the physical outer feminine beauty that is attractive in a CD. It is the self-confidence and self-respect that brings out an inner beauty and essence that is attractive to GG’s.

Your insightful comments are important not only to the CD's to whom you directed them but to GG's as well. I think it is incumbent on those of us that are attracted to CD’s, to encourage and support them, and to let them know that we admire those qualities you spoke of. Yes they are wired differently, but then so are we, aren’t we? Those of us that are attracted to CD's must continue to offer support and nourishment and to let them know they are loved and respected as CD’s and as men. Your post made me reflect on my own attitude towards CD’s, and whether I measure up. I think I do and I can only hope I can be as supportive and positive as you. Thank you for showing the way.

I firmly believe that many more men would openly share their feminine side by dressing if they were introduced to it in a suitable manner, knowing without a shred of doubt they would be accepted and admired, and not be ridiculed, laughed at or taunted by the GG in their life.

[Satrana]

I firmly believe that many more men would openly share their feminine side by dressing if they were introduced to it in a suitable manner, knowing without a shred of doubt they would be accepted and admired, and not be ridiculed, laughed at or taunted by the GG in their life.
If that were so then you would witness a deluge of CDs leaping out of their closets without a moment of hesitation.

I have mentioned before that a critical difference between gay rights movements and the TG movement is that gays do not have to face society's prejudices alone. When they appear in gay pride parades they can march hand in hand with their partners. The lack of widespread GG acceptance is a major stumbling block that keeps CDs not just stuck in closets but also off the streets and therefore off society's radar.

[Carin]

Well said Bev and thank you for what you had to say in all your posts in this thread. I can only speak from my own POV.

To answer the questions on where this attitude and self confidence comes from, I believe that you have to drink from the fountain of Self Respect. I won't say it is easy. We have our cultural indoctrinations to deal with. But if you can put that aside and look at your own character with pride and respect - if that is how you see yourself - that is how you will project yourself - and that is how others will see you.

It's a win-win. You feel happier with your self, others feel good about you. They might even want to spent time with you :eek:.

The first step in gaining self respect is to leave other people out of the equation. Society, your parents, your SO, your Boss - all of them may have their own opinions of respect for you. But self respect comes from inside your self. That is why it's called SELF respect. Just like respect for others, self respect must be earned. Are you behaving as an honorable human being with personal character and respect for others? At any moment in time, are you making the best decision that you can in that moment. You have no-one to convince except yourself.

[Bev06 GG]

I have mentioned before that a critical difference between gay rights movements and the TG movement is that gays do not have to face society's prejudices alone. When they appear in gay pride parades they can march hand in hand with their partners. The lack of widespread GG acceptance is a major stumbling block that keeps CDs not just stuck in closets but also off the streets and therefore off society's radar.

Take your point Satrana,
But I bet there are more accepting wives and partners than you think there are. Now whether or not they'de be prepared to march through the streets with thier CDs is another thing.
However, there would be nothing stopping CDs from doing it. If there was enough of them it would certainly cause a stir and I am certain that someone would hold your hand and encourage you along the way honey.
Take care
Bev

[Ms Mira]

Nice post(s) Bev.

I have been extremely guilty (and still am guilty) about feeling bad about myself for being a CD, asking 'why me?' type questions and letting those negative feelings directly affect my dating and social lives. But I feel like I've turned a corner mentally recently, thanks in large part to this site; I am working on being more self-confident in general, just enjoying being a crossdresser (because that's what I am), being honest with myself and not going into emotional woe-is-me tailspins. It's not easy, but introducing a little bit of levity into the situation helps a lot.

Reading your post helped reinforce my desire to improve in these ways.

Thanks Bev.

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

Bev,
Great Post.when I first started CDing, I felt awkward when I would shop for women's clothes, but now when I do,I do with confidence and no more awkward feelings.Now if I can get out to a CD/TV event,that will be the icing on the cake.


Felicity

[Eve_WA]

There. I corrected that for you. :)


I am a little put off by your attitude. Ok, thats how you feel.. Fine! But not ALL of us feel that way. To edit someones writings and over type MEN or HIM over other female pronouns, is rather insulting to me, and Im sure others as well.

The CD/TG/TS/TV spectrum is wide and varied. Some of us do feel like men who happen to like womens clothing. But others feel like a woman trapped in a mans body. And these are just two ends of the spectrum. I hazard that there are about as many opinions as there are of us.

Yes, fine, biologically, I am a man. But as has been said many times here, and in psychological journals and other writings, is that gender is a mental state, sometimes separate from their physical/biological genetics. I, myself, consider myself to be transgender. I have two distinct sides to my personality. I embrace them both. When I am dressed as a woman, I want to be referred to as one. And I know personally a lot of other 'gurls' feel the same.

This thread is about confidence and self acceptance. If it gives someone that to think of themselves in this way, great! I dont see your interjections as assisting in that for many who are still floundering with their self identity and self acceptance. If thats how they see themselves, fine! Its not hurting anyone to do so.

I apologize for hijacking this thread, but I felt strongly about this, and felt it was germane to the topic at hand.

Eve

[Tamara Croft]

Can we NOT spoil Bevs thread by arguing. You want to argue, please take it to PM and not in this thread, or I will remove those arguing from reading and posting in it, don't be so rude.

[Cary]

Thank you Bev for that post! I made my day.

[Satrana]

Take your point Satrana,
But I bet there are more accepting wives and partners than you think there are. Now whether or not they'de be prepared to march through the streets with thier CDs is another thing.
However, there would be nothing stopping CDs from doing it. If there was enough of them it would certainly cause a stir and I am certain that someone would hold your hand and encourage you along the way honey.
Take care
Bev

But that is the whole thing. I don't want to be in a parade consisting just of other CDs. Who would not want their partner marching with them - after all society's acceptance of us would have a big impact on their lives as well. And doesn't the fact that our wives are missing from the march signal to the rest of society our wives are ashamed of us and thus society would not feel the same compulsion to consider our case? We would still look like undeserving outsiders

This is not a criticism of women - CDs are the ultimate closet hiders, just noting this is an extra hurdle that other groups do not face.

[Bev06 GG]

You can put as many hurdles in front of you as you like babes, but at the end of the day if you want something to happen you have to be positive and focused and not worry too much about what others think of you.
Easier said than done I know because people's ignorance and lack of understanding is a massive hurdle with a high price tag for some.
To be honest I think a public march for CDs wouldn't have the same impact as the gay rights movement, but there are women out there who are standing by their CD partner, there have been some on national TV so maybe your route to acceptance will be more subtle and take slightly longer. There are more ways to skin a cat. And then of course there will allways be those who cannot for whatever reason accept you, but then not everyone wholeheartedly accepts Gays, Lesbians, Christians, Mormons, etc etc etc
Take care
Bev

[Stephanie Stephens]

Thanks Bev. I really appreciate your insight. It gives us all food for thought.
Margot

Dito

[Jonianne]

Bev, when I first read this thread, I was very excited about what you were saying about having confidence and finding things that were positive and attractive about crossdressing. So I started a thread about listing things that were positive and attractive, but it did'nt go very far. Besides the typical crticisim and "negative waves" posted (and the mod's deleted my thread, maybe by accident because they restored it without comment), the only things I and some of the posters came up with was pretty superficial, not much that non-cd'ers would find attractive.

Maybe we should approach it from the angle of making ourselves attractive as persons with the crossdressing just being one aspect of who we are, not necessarily openly advertising it, but not keeping it as deep dark secret either. When others see that we see it as a positive to us (they probably are not going to see it as we do) then they will be more likely to be attracted to us and sort of just see the crossdressing as an aspect of who we are that is not a threat to them and that they could accept it even though they may not understand.

[Bev06 GG]

Awww Jonnianne,
your so sweet, I didn't see it otherwise I would have answered it. You finally got it in the last part of your post. Its not about making the things that you do look attractive and kind of selling the whole package, its more about actually BEING.

I used to regularly make over a drag queen, she was ace. She used to go down the pub fully dressed, take off her wig, order a pint and sit and smoke cigars with the regulars. Bearing in mind that this was a country pub in the back of beyond full of farmers, it was quite incredible that they actually accepted her.
She was working in the village on a contract and staying in digs. The locals loved her and I think they would have just accepted anything she did as a bit of fun because she was a character. Part of her success and popularity was because she actually didn't have any hangups about what she did and didn't have a problem if someone shyed away or even insulted her. Neither did she ever feel under pressure to explain or excuse what she did, she was proud of being different and actually played on it. I can still see the looks of amazement on those blokes faces when she made her entrance

For her It was all about self belief. The only problem she had was that she was married and didn't like working away from her family. So bang goes the theory that all drag queens are gay cause she definitely wasn't.
Not every one is as in your face as that, but everyone can believe that what they do is fun and be positive about who they are and meet criticism with total equinimity and charm.


I also remember a colleague asking me if I had a problem with my partners dressing.
"Are you kidding me " I replied, "give me a Cd any day of the week theyre much more exciting than a regular guy, no two days are the same, you never know whats coming next and I get to extend my wardrobe, makeup, toiletries and perfume supply with no questions asked, almost immediately and on his expenses. The only down side is he has bigger feet than me so his collection of shoes is a no no"

You gotta look on the bright side of every situation in life haven't you.
Take care Jonnianne
Love ya
Bev

[Sonia Greene]

Good subject Bev!
100% true too.........many of us are too timid, expecting bad reaction.
I find by NOT looking at people approaching me, when walking along, allows me to retain my confidence better, and one-to-one at the cosmetic counter, I behave with total confidence. it's crowds that are variables, as there MAY be an abuse-giver amongst them.
It's my life. It's not their's!

[Marcy_in_hose]

I was very self-conscious and a bit ashamed of my c/ding but I took a chance and told my GG G/f about it. After I told her, she was OK with it and after someone finally knew and was OK with it, I became more confidant about my c/ding and she said that at first the thought was a bit weird but the more confidant I was with myself, the more accepting she felt.

I am glad that my g/f accepts me( it would have sucked if she didn't because we've been together for a little over 5 years). I love my femme side and now we get manicures and pedicures together and go shopping together. She said it's like she found a great girlfriend to femme out with! I also love my masculine side and she loves that I can be both of those things in one nice package...;)

[Andrea_1948]

OK, so I put Bev's wisdom to the test. I have one feature that for most is a feminine thing and that is long and manicured finger nails. As a flemenco guitar enthuiast having long nails is normal for me. The other day I shaved my whole body, with my generally not so CD accepting wife's help but she was a good sport about it. I put on a light but noticable shade of pinkish polish to both my fingers and toes. Heretofore, only done this in private. As it happened, later my wife wanted to go to Nordstrom's Rack for some undies.

Since we have had record high temps where I live the only bearable clothing were Birkenstocks, cuttoffs and a Tshirt but I went along to get away from the heat. I think everyone else had the same idea because the place was crowded. As my wife shopped I wandered away (but not too far) checking out all of the pretty things, yes, taking them off the rack, comparing color, feeling the texture etc. The more I looked the more confident I felt. Not just one but several shopping GG's in their 30's and 40's shopping next to me commented about how nice the garments were. At first I didn't know how to respond, but then after the second approving comment, a simple 'thank you, I like them too' became easy to say. Absolutely no one made a negative comment or frown. A little later the same sort of thing occurred at the cosmetics area.

Anyway, the interaction with GG's gave me the courage and confidence to go to Macy's for some undies on my own, since my wife won't shop with me. Till now, all my things were bought on-line. Yay, this girl has a new attitude!

I might add that I find MissConstrued's comments amusing but direct and to the point, I like that in a person. Earlier in this thread she, Bev and other's comments also, made me realize that there is no threat. Intellectually I know that, emotionally I needed convincing. If you take the 'h' out of threat you'll feel entirely different!

Thanks to all of you ladies that responded to this thread. Bev, if you're not a clinical psychologist (maybe you are) you should be. Bravo to you for starting this thread!

Sorry this reply is so long, it's OK to tell me to sit down and be quiet, but I most likely won't do it.

[Joanie_Shakti]

One of the things that I have continually encouraged you all to do is to be positive about who you are and hold your head up with pride, rather than down with a miriad of excuses of why you like to CD.

I got to thinking about why some CDs are more attractive than others and why some get acceptance and some dont seem to quite hit the mark, and I came to the conclusion that its all to do with STRENGTH of CHARACTER, SELF RESPECT, SELF IMAGE and CONFIDENCE

When you think about it the type of people that we are naturally attracted to are people who have self belief and dont seem to be too concerned about other peoples opinions because they respect themselves and dont have a problem with what they like to do. We are attracted to natural leaders which in a good majority of cases from a womans view point is a man who makes them feel safe and eliminates uncertainty from their lives. We all want a spouse that we can respect and look to for support, encouragement direction and guidance.



Thank you Bev, for your post. As a single guy turning 50 in a couple of months, who hasn't much experience with relationships with women, this was well needed for me. My longest relationship with a woman is one still going on, as "just a friend" with someone I've known for 24 years. I've always had the dreaded "B word" (buddy) used by women that I've strongly been attracted to.

Because of my inexperience and age, I've been working on improving myself, both physically and mentally. I've checked out relationship advice online from so-called experts. I can't stand the pick up artist attitude and so it would never work with me. I found one guy, John Alanis, who gives advice and sells information. I get emails from him in a regular basis. At first being a crossdresser, I was put off with his reference to "girly men." But when he uses this term, he's refering to ther kind of emo guy that's so popular in today's media. He says that women say they want a sensitive guy, but it's an inherent trait for them to go for a guy with "personal authority." In other words, the traits you listed above, "strength of character, self respect, self image, and confidence."

I wanted to comment on this thread since it was first started but waited until now so I had more time and energy to hopefully be coherent. Thank you for validating the areas I know I need to work on.

[DianeDeBris]

If you take the 'h' out of threat you'll feel entirely different!

Andrea - that's a dandy notion and I'm going to start using it - thanks!

Bev -- as everyone has noted in various ways, kudos for helping us all to some excellent recognitions! I do have one question, however: where (or what!) is a Grimsby? <g>

Hugs, Diane

[AlannahNorth]

"your just wired slightly different"

That's it - you've got it right there! I've been realizing this over the past year, and those terms are what I've been using to express myself to others.

Interesting post - thank you for the insight, and the advice.