Cheshire Gummi
07-29-2009, 12:37 AM
I was outside with my mother today, having a cigarette and talking with her. Our conversation rolled around for a while, like an injured frat boy, eventually culminating in me blurting out that I have feelings I'm not being honest about.
Now, before we go anywhere else with this tale, the thing you have to understand about my mother is that I've been more honest with her than about any other person in my family. Being that we spend as much time together as we do, compared to anyone else in the family, and that she's confessed some things to me that she's never told even my father, not to mention the fact that I almost always leap before I think, it eventually had to come out of my face.
"I feel that I want to be seen more as a woman than a man."
She's told me since I was little that if I ever wanted to tell her anything, she would listen and love me, no matter what I had to say. I'd told her that I was bisexual before, so I knew she wouldn't throw me out of the house or scream "I HAVE NO SON" or any such an action.
She told me she didn't know if she was ready to see me like that; to see me as a woman. Frankly, I don't know if I'm ready to show the world who I really am, so I wasn't hurt. However, she told me something that made me feel kind of... hmm... strange, I guess. Good, but strange.
She confessed a fear that something like this would happen. Though she told me that she had no idea how I felt inside and wouldn't pretend to understand that kind of conflict, she was always afraid that one of her children would feel this way. Not because she wouldn't love me or because I would shame her, but because of what people like us have to go through.
I understand what she meant, and I've tried not to get hung up on the words instead of the point, but it kind of made me feel that she didn't want me to be who I am. I know she was just saying that she was afraid of how other people would treat me being a TV, but it also made me feel like she would have rather I'd been born "normal."
I don't mean to sound selfish, really, since some of you out there have had loved ones flat out reject you. I'm not complaining and I'm not fishing for a pat on the back, either. I just wanted to share that I took a step in the right direction, so that someone else out there can follow my example maybe...?
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read my little slice of... babble. Take care of yourselves, girls, I mean it! And be safe! And put on your jacket, you'll catch your death of cold!
Now, before we go anywhere else with this tale, the thing you have to understand about my mother is that I've been more honest with her than about any other person in my family. Being that we spend as much time together as we do, compared to anyone else in the family, and that she's confessed some things to me that she's never told even my father, not to mention the fact that I almost always leap before I think, it eventually had to come out of my face.
"I feel that I want to be seen more as a woman than a man."
She's told me since I was little that if I ever wanted to tell her anything, she would listen and love me, no matter what I had to say. I'd told her that I was bisexual before, so I knew she wouldn't throw me out of the house or scream "I HAVE NO SON" or any such an action.
She told me she didn't know if she was ready to see me like that; to see me as a woman. Frankly, I don't know if I'm ready to show the world who I really am, so I wasn't hurt. However, she told me something that made me feel kind of... hmm... strange, I guess. Good, but strange.
She confessed a fear that something like this would happen. Though she told me that she had no idea how I felt inside and wouldn't pretend to understand that kind of conflict, she was always afraid that one of her children would feel this way. Not because she wouldn't love me or because I would shame her, but because of what people like us have to go through.
I understand what she meant, and I've tried not to get hung up on the words instead of the point, but it kind of made me feel that she didn't want me to be who I am. I know she was just saying that she was afraid of how other people would treat me being a TV, but it also made me feel like she would have rather I'd been born "normal."
I don't mean to sound selfish, really, since some of you out there have had loved ones flat out reject you. I'm not complaining and I'm not fishing for a pat on the back, either. I just wanted to share that I took a step in the right direction, so that someone else out there can follow my example maybe...?
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read my little slice of... babble. Take care of yourselves, girls, I mean it! And be safe! And put on your jacket, you'll catch your death of cold!