Question For People Who Used To Be Confused

[Alexandra the Great]

I'm in an odd position. I'm 21, MtF, and I've had gender issues my entire life.
There have been several circumstances in which I *almost* transitioned, but every time, I chickened out for one reason or another.

My problem is this. I know I have gender issues of some sort. But I honestly can't tell if I'm actually transgendered, or just a crossdresser.

Sometimes I do honestly feel a strong urge to present myself as female. Other times, I feel like it's just about the thrill of wearing girls' clothes, and that if I actually tried to transition, I'd hate it.
Either way, I know for sure that it's getting to the point that I'll go crazy if I can't find SOME sort of outlet to express my gender variance.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? And if so, how did you handle it?

Thanks in advance, everyone. Any advice is helpful. And feel free to probe me and ask questions if that'll help you help me.

-Alex.

[CharleneT]

Well, sounds like you should seek out a good therapist, try and find one who has specific experience with trans-gender issues. If you are only 21, there is *lots* of time for self discovery !! I would say to avoid most things wrst transitioning until you have settled on what you are and what you want. Definitely do not start any hormones on your own or the like.

Charlene

[GypsyKaren]

Forget the word "transgendered" because it means nothing, you're either a crossdresser or a transsexual. Being a transsexual has nothing to do with how you present or how you feel when dressed, it's all about how you feel inside that you are a woman. You need to talk to someone about this and figure it out for yourself because we don't know you and would only be guessing.

Karen :g1:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

crossdressing is a behavior of both lifetime crossdressers and transsexuals...many transsexuals barely crossdress though...it's not mutually exclusive and that caused me alot of confusion because altho some girls can sort it out quickly, some can't ....

shame transphobia guilt religion family money passability..on and on there are huge obstacles ..

you are on the right track to ask but only you can answer..

i knew all along but never connected the dots..i was too afraid and i wanted to fit in as a guy so badly...

Are you happy being a guy? When you are sitting around talking with the "guys", do you feel like you just don't get it...that you are pretending just to fit in? How do you feel about your private parts?

Also, get to know crossdressers and transsexuals, one of my revelations was sitting at a dinner with 5 women, all TS, after spending all my time crossdressing and partying to relieve my inner anxiety....and honestly i didnt get that scene either...everybody making out etc...it worked for a while, but in the end, i just wanted to be a woman..and when i actually met some ts women, it hit me like 100 tons of bricks..i was one of them...i just hadnt done anything about it.

I hope that helps you a bit...you have LOTS AND LOTS of time!! and when you learn to be honest with yourself and accept whatever is inside you...you'll know
and don't let anyone tell you what you are on the inside..it's your life

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Make sure its the right decision you make if you want to be a guy or a girl. Go see your terapist and take it from there and see what the urge is.

[Sophie_C]

I'm in an odd position. I'm 21, MtF, and I've had gender issues my entire life.
There have been several circumstances in which I *almost* transitioned, but every time, I chickened out for one reason or another.

My problem is this. I know I have gender issues of some sort. But I honestly can't tell if I'm actually transgendered, or just a crossdresser.

Sometimes I do honestly feel a strong urge to present myself as female. Other times, I feel like it's just about the thrill of wearing girls' clothes, and that if I actually tried to transition, I'd hate it.
Either way, I know for sure that it's getting to the point that I'll go crazy if I can't find SOME sort of outlet to express my gender variance.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? And if so, how did you handle it?

Thanks in advance, everyone. Any advice is helpful. And feel free to probe me and ask questions if that'll help you help me.

-Alex.

I'd go to a therapist, as said.

A small sign, though, you may notice is that even if you are fully going as a man, consistently, lots of behaviors, patterns of thought, etc, are going to sort of 'leak out' no matter what you do. Also, you may notice historically, that you always behaved that way, and were 'corrected' for it, even without dressing, even prior to ANY sexuality in yourself even being developed, at all.

That's how it was for me.

I don't dress much, but it's clear to be, every single day how much I have a strong feminine nature to myself, no matter how much I work at masking it.

But, go to a therapist, for sure...

[Sejd]

How lucky to be 21 and already know that you are moving in the right direction.
Transition takes time, and though some people have epifanies about their gender preferences, it is not always like that. I am 58, came out 3 years ago, and I still ask myself questions despite crossing the gender role more and more every day.
As someone already mentioned, get a good gender therapist, and try not to be too impatient, although I understand your feelings.
Keep smiling :-):hugs:
Sejd

[Elsa Larson]

Everyone is unique. And the umbrella of "transgender" includes a whole spectrum of variations.

Give yourself PERMISSION to explore your gender. Perhaps you have a feminine persona (your TS side) as well as a male persona who enjoys crossdressing.

I know this model suits me best.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bigendered

[sandra-leigh]

Forget the word "transgendered" because it means nothing, you're either a crossdresser or a transsexual.

I must respectfully disagree. Although "transgendered" covers a lot of ground, I self-identify as "gender-fluid transgendered" but not as transsexual, because what I know within me is that I am an ever-varying mix of male and female, not gender-polarized. It took me a fair time to figure that out, and to stand up and say "I'm not just a male who likes to wear the clothes, and I'm not a male who feels as if he should be completely female: I am me, someone willing to be the square peg in the round hole and stand up against the system that says one must pick internally between 'male' or 'female' -- because this is what works for me."

About 10 months ago, I started what turned out to be a long thread on this topic, that I suggest you read through,
How do you know if you are transgendered or just CD? (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=90652)

There is also an active thread on a similar topic at the moment in the MTF Crossdressers section, but unfortunately I don't have time at the moment to search it out and include a link to it.


Note: last session with my therapist I asked for a referral to a gender therapist, so that I could figure out more clearly what I really wanted -- and because I don't know if I've been asking myself the right questions. My rush at the moment is to get ready for my next appointment with the therapist, so I might be able to pick up the referral today.

[Midnight Skye]

Hi Alexandra! Thank you for posing this question. I am currently fighting with this same problem myself. Someone posted a very good place to read up on this http://www.transpartners.co.uk/#

I strongly recommend reading everything under the The three Trans tabs. Also check out the little graph/picture at http://www.transpartners.co.uk/#/what-is-transgendered/4531256568

It probably shows best that there are a jumble of labels you can use... and ultimately that's all they are, labels. They don't actually express who you are or how you live your life.

The biggest question for you isn't what you are, but how do you want to live? Do you want to be able to jump between male and female when you like? Or do you prefer to be a female and viewed as female by others?

These are the two questions I'm trying to answer for myself right now. Emotionally I am incredibly feminine soft emotional person. I prefer female colors, presentation, movement, softer speech patterns, etc. When enfem and dressed, I act very much like a woman. This comes naturally to myself and feels right (and I crave to be in this situation as often as possible).

I'm personally beginning to realize my male persona was crafted at the request of others... people time and time again gave me the feedback of how to be a successful leader in society. Consequently I am what appears to be a headstrong male leader, who others naturally follow. The irony is the skills and emotions for this persona were created by re-enforcement of others in my environment. Here I am now... knowing my naturally tendencies are of your typical woman. I'm trying to find a bridge between the two, so I can better understand the transgendered woman I could be if I were to take that path. I would look at your own life with similar thoughts. Who are you now... and who do you want to become?

I hope you find your answer soon Alexandra! Hopefully I'll find mine too :daydreaming:

[Alexandra the Great]

Wow, thanks for the replies everyone!
Looks like I have a little catching up to do.


Are you happy being a guy? When you are sitting around talking with the "guys", do you feel like you just don't get it...that you are pretending just to fit in? How do you feel about your private parts?

I'm not necessarily happy being male. But I don't hate it, either. I do feel a little odd when I'm hanging out with only guys and have to almost butch up a little in order to fit in...it seems like all guys my age wanna do is talk about sex and insult eachother!
And as for having a penis, it's the same feelings...don't hate it, but I don't think I'd miss it if it was gone.
If I had to sum up my basic feelings, I'd say that if I woke up as a girl tomorrow, I wouldn't miss being male. Anything I want to do with my life, I could do as a girl, but not a guy. So theoretically, even if I wasn't trans, being a girl would be no big tragedy.


How lucky to be 21 and already know that you are moving in the right direction.
Ha! I could say the same thing about people who transition when they're still in high school. I guess we're all gonna have someone to be jealous of.


Give yourself PERMISSION to explore your gender.
That's what I've been meaning to do for years now....I've more than given myself permission. But I'm stumped as to how exactly to do that. Any suggestions would help!


I am currently fighting with this same problem myself.
Kate, how old are you? In your pic you look to be about my age. Maybe - just maybe - we can help each other out. :)

[MelissaSue]

... people time and time again gave me the feedback of how to be a successful leader in society. Consequently I am what appears to be a...male leader, who others naturally follow. The irony is the skills and emotions for this persona were created by re-enforcement of others in my environment. Here I am now... knowing my naturally tendencies are of your typical woman...

I think a lot of us identity with this statement, Katlyn. I certainly do. Thanks, BTW, for the great links!

Alexandra, a lot of us understand your stuggle, too. For some of us, however, the clock has ticked a bit since we first started to ask the question. You're wise to get those answers early...

[Penelope Marie]

crossdressing is a behavior of both lifetime crossdressers and transsexuals...many transsexuals barely crossdress though...it's not mutually exclusive and that caused me alot of confusion because altho some girls can sort it out quickly, some can't ....

shame transphobia guilt religion family money passability..on and on there are huge obstacles ..

you are on the right track to ask but only you can answer..

i knew all along but never connected the dots..i was too afraid and i wanted to fit in as a guy so badly...

Are you happy being a guy? When you are sitting around talking with the "guys", do you feel like you just don't get it...that you are pretending just to fit in? How do you feel about your private parts?

Also, get to know crossdressers and transsexuals, one of my revelations was sitting at a dinner with 5 women, all TS, after spending all my time crossdressing and partying to relieve my inner anxiety....and honestly i didnt get that scene either...everybody making out etc...it worked for a while, but in the end, i just wanted to be a woman..and when i actually met some ts women, it hit me like 100 tons of bricks..i was one of them...i just hadnt done anything about it.

I hope that helps you a bit...you have LOTS AND LOTS of time!! and when you learn to be honest with yourself and accept whatever is inside you...you'll know
and don't let anyone tell you what you are on the inside..it's your life

Thanks michele, you just described me and made things a little more clear.

[shirley1]

Forget the word "transgendered" because it means nothing, you're either a crossdresser or a transsexual. Being a transsexual has nothing to do with how you present or how you feel when dressed, it's all about how you feel inside that you are a woman. You need to talk to someone about this and figure it out for yourself because we don't know you and would only be guessing.

Karen :g1:


I am not sure about that to be honest, I have recently gone full time ie started working as a woman, sure clothes don't make me who I am, but being seen and accepted as a woman by my co workers is massive to me. Presenting as a male even whilst on hormones nearly a year now wasn't enough at least now people see me as a female, so I feel ten times better dressed as a female than I was dressed as a male.

But having said that I take your point it isn't about the clothes at all, I knew that as soon as started taking hormones, its just that I was still being identified as male, I have social dysphoria probably more than body dysphoria. Equally they are and can be transsexual traits, obviously some girls hate their bodies more than others do, I never hated mine as such, and I did start off thinking I was a crossdresser, but I moved when I started to go out as my true self, and found who I really was, now I know I have always been a girl in mind, but it took me a long time to accept that, but I do now, I am happy living as a woman, and works going well, but if I was still presenting as a male I would not be happy now.

[Jessinthesprings]

Consequently I am what appears to be a headstrong male leader, who others naturally follow.

I may be the only one, but I don't think so. I have never been the above description, and in all reality I have never wanted to be seen as that sort leader.

You are not alone in wondering if you have a true desire to be a woman. Indeed it is often easier to maintain the status quo, and down right makeing such a huge fundimental change. I too struggle with this. I would not even say I am miserable as male, I am however, happier and more content as a woman.

So even if you are a true TS you may not fit perfectly into the cookiemold. Just like the rest of the responses you will need a trans therapist, and a whole lot of soul searching. And if you transition you must allow yourself to not be TS if you find that you are not happy with that choice.

[luvSophia]

Forget the word "transgendered" because it means nothing, you're either a crossdresser or a transsexual.
Karen - With all due respect for your greater experience, I have to disagree with that thought. "Transgendered" obviously has meaning because so many use it as a term to describe their condition. The problem with it is that we don't always have a common, shared definition for it.

Transsexual has a very good medical definition that was originally coined by Harry Benjamin, but even that has varying degrees of meaning. The words crossdresser and transgender on the other hand can mean different things to different people, but they have a definite meaning to the person using them.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lots of good points!!


I like the word transgender only because it's so inclusive...i think that one of the reasons we are so marginalized in society is because we are so rare...but if you include every guy that ever put on a dress...well there are lots more!!

alexandra...i agree with those web links..there is book out there i've recommended before called Whipping Girl by Dr Julia Serrano (a ts woman)
I think you would get alot out of it because it dissects all these labels and highlights all the different ways she coped with her identity issues..its easy to read and may give you some insights into how you are thinking and why it's so difficult to DECIDE..also have you checked out the cd section (after all it's crossdressers.com-heh)..ask the same question and read some of the posts...you may find it very enlightening

and for what it's worth, being bi-gendered is much easier than being TS, and that sounds like a good way to go for you and has the benefit of exploring yourself and to see whether that works for you in dealing with your own specific gender identity....

Kaitlyn...it's interesting what you said, because as a guy..i was very successful..(hopefully as michele too!!)...i got all the degrees, became a high level executive....a leader...but i led my own feminine way..i made decisions intuitively, i worked primarily with men and just didnt internally comprehend how brutal they were about things, i deeply cared about how others felt (not the best quality if you want to kick a$$) and tried to nurture folks, but it worked for me....i worked with ALOT of people, and they would often comment that i was "different", in a good way, and frankly i think it helped me alot because the people that worked for me would walk thru a brick wall if i asked...anyway..it's interesting how we all cope.

[Sally2005]

Your story is similar to mine. I wish I knew what I know now then. There is a lot of information available. Get researching and learn what you can. The only advice, is explore what you need to... call it an experiment if anyone asks. If you don't figure out who you are now you may go years before discovering the answer and it is pretty hard to feel good about yourself when you can't accept yourself because you don't know who you are.

[metalguy639]

Sounds to me that you need to get a good therapist and find out. Personally for me there was no back & forth should I, could I kinda thing. It was a straight cut answer and I knew that it was right the moment I came out to my sister/roomate. so if you are wavering I suggest that you make sure you are 100% wanting to transition when you go to start it or if you start it.

[Sophie_Serendipity]

Hi Alexandra,
I love the username 'Alexandra the Great'...very cool. :)

For a long time I struggled with what I was. I always knew I was different in some very fundamental ways, but perhaps because of the very strong social structure around me, I just didn't ever allow myself to even consider the idea of being transgendered. In my case, really I think it was that the truth found me rather than the other way around. On reflection, my self-descriptions have gradually changed over time, along with my sense of identity. I'm 35 now and it has taken me this long to really understand myself in this way. Actually, as it happens, I had a HUGE emotional moment in my counselling session today when it just really hit me that beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am a woman. (YAY! I just had to share that)

I do understand the driving need to answer questions. Goodness knows I NEVER stop thinking. ...just try not to put too much pressure on yourself about this, and try to find people who are open minded enough to let you explore yourself openly enough so that you can find out.

Best Wishes,
Sophie