Telling people - advice needed.

[Lady JayDee]

Husband and I have been talking and we agree that it would be really good for me if I had a "real life" person who knew me and loved me who I could tell about Alana. I think one of the main problems is I feel very alone with all of this and where as Alana can talk to me about her feelings, I struggle being entirely honest with everythign I feel as the last thing I want to do is hurt her feeling whilst working through my own.

We both agree that my best friend is a perfect candidate as she is very open minded and pretty similar to me in a lot of ways, plus she has known me for forever and has never ever judged me no matter what .

The first thing Im worried about though is I guess you can never truly know how someone will react til you tell them.. Have any of you been taken by surprise with a negative reaction from someone you thought would be positive or more accepting?

secondly, any tips on how to tell her would be great.

my husband wants me to tell her for another reason as well - he hopes that she will be able to come round and he can be Alana in front of her - thus gaining acceptance from someone other than me and we can have girly evenings and it could be fun. I agree with him but I dont want to totally freak her out either and I dont want to lose my best friend. Am I better leaving this part of the subject out of it until Im sure she has her head round the crossdressing thing? Im very aware that its a lot easier to accept the theory than it is to actually see someone you knew as a man dressed as a woman.

Im seeing her on Tuesday and we are going out for drinks and im really in a quandry about this!!

[Miranda09]

I think this is a great idea JayDee. As for how to do it, just take it slowly and play it by ear. If she's a good friend, and someone you can trust, and with an open mind, you should do just fine. I guess the keyword here is trust....just like for any of us who want/need to come out to someone and share all of these emotions and viewpoints with. But as I said, I think this is a great idea for the both of you and will provide you with some freedom to express yourself freely and get any issues or concerns off your chest. Good luck and let us know how it all goes. :)

[sissystephanie]

Lady Jay, you are never alone as long as you are on this forum! That is what the forum is all about, to exchange info and help each other. Yes, that includes GG's also. There is a special forum just for GG's, which give you even more help! I don't know the link, but I am sure somebody will give it to you.

The only advice I can give you, as a long time CD, is to be totally honest all the time. Especially when talking to your husband about his CD activities! You are to be Blessed for your acceptance of him, and I am sure he knows that.

If you know your friend as well as you say you do, only you can decide whether it would be proper to to tell her. Why not start off by asking her what she thinks of crossdressers in general? Let her answer to that be your guide to how to proceed! Best of luck to you!:hugs:

[Jenny Beth]

My wife and I have had the same thoughts for years. She has a very close friend she thinks would be receptive to my feminine side but the reality of it could be very different. While I would have no problem if her friend was not so accepting I'm not the one who could loose a close friend. Simply put she has more to loose than I do so if I were you I'd think twice about it. But you're not alone anymore, with a GG section here you will no doubt have lots of women to chat with. Good luck to both of you!

[Sandra]

We didn't tell anyone except our daughter, until my SO decided to "come out" so to speak.

We decided to tell our next door neighbour and a couple we we are very good friends with, although at the time Bev's husband was away so she told him.

We asked them to come round and Nigella just said "we've got something to tell you" and to be honest our neighbours looked scared stiff, Nigella said "I'm a crossdresser" both said "Thank god, we thought you were going to say you or Sandra was ill"

We did the same with Bev, she just got up and gave us both a hug, she had thought the same as the neighbours, now the sticky her husband was a bit different, he's not been nasty or blunt but he can't get his head round it all. Before he knew him and Nigella would go for a pint, after he was told that stopped but as I say he's not nasty just funny with it all.

We have been lucky and only you know you're close friend and how she may react, just be prepared for the worst, saying that if she is a true friend then I imagine she will be there for you and will talk to you.

[Alice B]

I think that is a very positive approach on your behalf and suspect that your friend will be open to it. The only way to find out is to tell her and I seriously doubt that it will hurt your relationship as long as you do not feel your husband is cheating on you by being open with another female. It is a very mature approach to a delicate subject. Again, pat yourself on the back.

In my case my wife fully accepts my dressing, but does not wish to participate in it. One of our best friends knows about Alice and she is the one I can openly talk about it to, although usually via e-mail because she lives out of town. I can send her photographs of Alice for comments and suggestions. Her husband also knows, but my wife does not know about their acceptance and I'm not sure how my wife would react to others knowing my secret. It is strange because my son and daughter in law also know (they had always suspected) but again my wife is unaware of this. In a way I feel like I am cheating, but am not sure how strong my wife's reaction to this knowledge would be. That is a bridge that I will have to cross soon. We have a very strong relationship in all areas, but my wife is extremely concerned about how things look.

[deja true]

As you can see from Sandra's post, and from the coming out posts of so many others, when you start the conversation with "Sit down. I've got something to tell you...", (and almost always with a rather serious or scared look on your face,) you almost always put the listeners on guard. And they expect to hear something really awful.

My very first scary coming out was something like that. I scared the bejesus out of a good friend with that introduction, while I was trying my best to keep from crying. It was way tense for a couple of minutes there.

So I'm thinking that you really need to get that conversation started on an up note and keep it that way with something like ..." Alan and I want to tell you about something that you may find fun or interesting!"

So in subsequent confessions, I did it this way. "Oh, you asked me what I did on that vacation to Chicago? Lemme show you! " And then put them down in front of the laptop with a selection of the very best shots from Be-All that showed not just me, but hundreds of us having good clean fun ... and looking our best. As the pics scrolled by I got to say things like "Oh, she's from aMassachusetts, a firefighter. This one is a construction worker. This blonde is a policeman in Wisconsin, can you believe it? ...."

So as well as getting the message out about me, it also showed that there were hundreds more like me. And maybe even more importantly, it showed that I was confident and happy with what I was doing, not guilt-ridden or anxious for anyone's approval.

The subsequent conversations with my new confidants then, started with a high note (Check this out! Kewl, huh?) and never had to fall into a crying or apologetic explanation. So much easier on all of us!

In reading Bev's current thread about self-confidence and all the marvelous posts that popped up in there, I sorta realized that I had hit on a really great way to come out to friends without making anybody uncomfortable or leary of any agendas on my part. The regular questions all came up, of course, but in an off-handed conversational way without any hand-wringing or cringing.

We're all still as good a friends as ever ... and maybe even a little more so, 'cos we now share a special secret that's actually fun instead of worrisome! And that closer friendship makes them allies as well as friends!

:)

[Alexandra the Great]

we can have girly evenings and it could be fun

I should warn you from experience that a lot of the cute, fun ideas that we latch onto usually don't turn out quite so well when it actually comes time to do them. There are often times when paranoia about passing or being accepted (or even simply being dressed) can override the ability to have fun. The first element to being successful is for your husband to be 100% comfortable with the entire idea.

I've only been here for a few days, and therefore don't know whether your husband is comfortable or passable as a woman out in public settings. If he isn't, that's an important first step.

Also, you have to consider whether or not your friend would be comfortable being seen with a crossdresser out in public? That could be a problem.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Jaydee
I know how you feel cause thats exactly how I used to feel. We decided to go to a support group and meet up with other like minded couples. We now have two couples that are our best friends and although we have only known them for about 5 years, we are very close. So I get to talk about the dressing and Jay gets to parade around every so often in a room full of people.

Although I am not ashamed of what Jay does and would feel perfectly happy about telling a regular friend, I'm not certain that my friends would thank me for involving them. They are lovely girls, but sometimes slightly narrow minded and worry about the most trivial things. My concern wouldn't be for us as we are comfortable about everything, but it might cause one or two of them to lose sleep and worry about me. Dont ask me why but thats just how theyre made up and I love em despite that.
Take care
Bev

[Miranda09]

As you can see from Sandra's post, and from the coming out posts of so many others, when you start the conversation with "Sit down. I've got something to tell you...", (and almost always with a rather serious or scared look on your face,) you almost always put the listeners on guard. And they expect to hear something really awful.

My very first scary coming out was something like that. I scared the bejesus out of a good friend with that introduction, while I was trying my best to keep from crying. It was way tense for a couple of minutes there.

So I'm thinking that you really need to get that conversation started on an up note and keep it that way with something like ..." Alan and I want to tell you about something that you may find fun or interesting!"

So in subsequent confessions, I did it this way. "Oh, you asked me what I did on that vacation to Chicago? Lemme show you! " And then put them down in front of the laptop with a selection of the very best shots from Be-All that showed not just me, but hundreds of us having good clean fun ... and looking our best. As the pics scrolled by I got to say things like "Oh, she's from aMassachusetts, a firefighter. This one is a construction worker. This blonde is a policeman in Wisconsin, can you believe it? ...."

So as well as getting the message out about me, it also showed that there were hundreds more like me. And maybe even more importantly, it showed that I was confident and happy with what I was doing, not guilt-ridden or anxious for anyone's approval.

The subsequent conversations with my new confidants then, started with a high note (Check this out! Kewl, huh?) and never had to fall into a crying or apologetic explanation. So much easier on all of us!

In reading Bev's current thread about self-confidence and all the marvelous posts that popped up in there, I sorta realized that I had hit on a really great way to come out to friends without making anybody uncomfortable or leary of any agendas on my part. The regular questions all came up, of course, but in an off-handed conversational way without any hand-wringing or cringing.

We're all still as good a friends as ever ... and maybe even a little more so, 'cos we now share a special secret that's actually fun instead of worrisome! And that closer friendship makes them allies as well as friends!

:)
Hey Deja...that is a really cool idea. Thanks for posting. :)

[Joanne f]

I would agree with you in that a real life someone to talk to would be a good thing for you and for a Cd to know that someone else accepts them is a very big ego booster and to be in the presents of someone else is even greater.
The problem is once you have told someone there is no turning back and there is the possibility of your best friend having another best friend and so on .
The only thing that i would say if you decide to go ahead with it is watch out for the " i would not put up with my husband doing that scenario, as that can get at you a bit if you are not careful, it may be wise to say something like " i think i have just seen a cross dresser or i am sure i have just seen a man in a dress" and see what her reaction is , but i never think that people give a genuine reaction until they have to deal with the real thing .
Any way if you do decide and go ahead with it i wish you both good luck .

[mklinden2010]

Having done things both ways, make it a non-event. Every time something gets presented as a, "big deal," it is a big deal.

Take your time.... Lead up to your non-event by mentioning little things like what you did last weekend, who you voted for last time and why... What you read in the paper about... Some deal in a movie everyone liked... And, things like that.

If you take it in small, honest steps - and you're still pals - you'll probably get, "Yeah, I figured you might be up for that!" and not much more.

No need, by the way, to get into the dressing up stuff in front of them - everyone's seen women's clothes and they can figure out the rest.

If they wanna know, they'll let you know.

Meanwhile, you've done your bit and you can get on with life.

[Lady JayDee]

I should warn you from experience that a lot of the cute, fun ideas that we latch onto usually don't turn out quite so well when it actually comes time to do them. There are often times when paranoia about passing or being accepted (or even simply being dressed) can override the ability to have fun. The first element to being successful is for your husband to be 100% comfortable with the entire idea.

I've only been here for a few days, and therefore don't know whether your husband is comfortable or passable as a woman out in public settings. If he isn't, that's an important first step.

Also, you have to consider whether or not your friend would be comfortable being seen with a crossdresser out in public? That could be a problem.


Hi Alexandra, when i say "girly evenings" i mean in our house. There is no way that either my husband or I are ready to take Alana on a night out - never mind my friend! Sorry I didnt make that clear. :hugs:

[PaulaJaneThomas]

Your friend may take it well or she might take it badly. You never know how people are going to react. I think Bev's suggestion of going to a support group is an excellent one. In Liverpool, Spirit Level (http://www.spirit-level.org.uk/) is probably going to be the most suitable.

[AllieSummers]

My wife and I actually told our two best friends (married couple) about this before we told our daughters.

Just like you, I felt my wife could use the support. Marj (wife of the married couple) was very supportive and really accepted it without any problem. It actually made my wife feel much better to hear that Marj didn't think it was a big deal.

I think it really depends on how much you really mean to the person that you are coming out to. If you are a good person and they really love you as a friend then it is going to be fine.

I would caution you on how you tell her though. If you act like you are totally freaked out by it then she is likely to take a defensive posture. Like, "How could your husband do this to you? That dirty bum.". If you let her know that you are ok with it and love him but still are sorting it out then she is more likely to be supportive, I think.

I don't know if I'm making sense here or not?

I have dressed in front of Marj...actually had her help me get ready for a night out...and she loved it. She had a great time with it.

I'd go for it. I bet if she is half the woman you are she'll be very accepting and it might even bring your relationship closer.

Kisses,

Allie

[Satrana]

I would caution you on how you tell her though. If you act like you are totally freaked out by it then she is likely to take a defensive posture. Like, "How could your husband do this to you? That dirty bum.". If you let her know that you are ok with it and love him but still are sorting it out then she is more likely to be supportive, I think.


I have the same concern. This is a subject that your friend will know nothing about so she will not be able to bring any experience or advice to the table. Her sole concern will be about supporting you, her last concern will be about understanding your husband. If you are confiding your doubts and fears to her then she will see her job to be supportive and so will backup your fears.

And if she sees that you are hurting then she will not be in favor of your husband CDing in front of her either. This has the potential to backfire big time. She could end up telling you that you should separate etc.

I really think at this moment you should be seeking out balanced and experienced contacts such as support groups and therapists. Leaving the sharing with friends to later when you yourself have a more balanced view of the issues.

[Ediosa]

I'm the kind of person who believes that if you make it a big deal, it will be. I think you should tell everyone you know (if your husband don't mind), but make it like it's no big deal. Just tell your friend, "You know what funny about (husband), he like to wear women's clothes, and he looks great in them, sometimes it looks funny, but other times he looks great. You should see him in this outfit or this piece, plus, I get to have a true live barbie to dress up, it's quite fun."

[Lady JayDee]

Thanks ladies. Some interesting points there for me to consider.

I do really want to tell her and my husband is really craving acceptance from someone other than me but maybe it is too soon and we both need to get it right before we start involving others?

Lots of food for thought here that I will mull over...possibly Tuesday is a bit too soon to tell her I need more time to think through the different points you have kindly put forward.

[dawnmarrie1961]

Dear Lady JayDee,
DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!!
I read you other post recently and you said that you just found out about you husband's cross-dressing 2 months ago. You were afraid that he was taking advantage of the situation and pressing forward a bit to quick for you. Now he wants you to tell a friend?
PRESS LIGHTLY ON THE BRAKE PETAL AND BRING THE CAR TO A FULL STOP AT THE CURB!!!
I understand that right now you are still trying to come to grips with your husbands revelation to you. And you want to be supportive because you love him. But don't open that pandora's box just yet until "You" feel that you are ready to . Your husbands head is in the clouds right now because he's on an "acceptance high". Like a drug it can cloud judgement and make us take unnecessary chances at a time when we aren't ready emotionally for the out come.

It's ok to say "No."
If your husband is a reasonable man he will accept "No".
If not then you will know he is becoming unreasonable about the whole situation and is indeed taking advantage of your supportive nature.
That would mean time to have a serious heart to heart conversation about boundaries. So that things don't get out of control .


Be safe. Be Smart.

Dawn Marrie

[Lady JayDee]

Dear Lady JayDee,
DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!!
I read you other post recently and you said that you just found out about you husband's cross-dressing 2 months ago. You were afraid that he was taking advantage of the situation and pressing forward a bit to quick for you. Now he wants you to tell a friend?
PRESS LIGHTLY ON THE BRAKE PETAL AND BRING THE CAR TO A FULL STOP AT THE CURB!!!
I understand that right now you are still trying to come to grips with your husbands revelation to you. And you want to be supportive because you love him. But don't open that pandora's box just yet until "You" feel that you are ready to . Your husbands head is in the clouds right now because he's on an "acceptance high". Like a drug it can cloud judgement and make us take unnecessary chances at a time when we aren't ready emotionally for the out come.

It's ok to say "No."
If your husband is a reasonable man he will accept "No".
If not then you will know he is becoming unreasonable about the whole situation and is indeed taking advantage of your supportive nature.
That would mean time to have a serious heart to heart conversation about boundaries. So that things don't get out of control .


Be safe. Be Smart.

Dawn Marrie

Thank you dawnmarie! That post made me smile as well as think!
I hear you definitely and it has been a niggling concern - I dont want to be railroaded into telling a friend for his benefit. I think Im ok with telling her but I want to tell her for ME not for the ultimate goal to be about him gaining more acceptance. Its definitely something we need to speak about in more depth as I sometimes feel that he always has an ulterior motive - for example he will buy me a dress so that I cant shout at him buying 4. I wonder if he wants me to tell my friend because he wants me to have someone to speak to or because he wants something out of it himself - namely more acceptance.

[Bethny]

Hi Lady

your story is really ringing bells for me. I Think you are being so strong and simply amazing darlin and you must really love the person within your partner.

Small steps I think and maybe give it some time to think about your friend coming over. I think you are on the right track and wish you all the best.

x b

[PaulaJaneThomas]

I think Im ok with telling her but I want to tell her for ME not for the ultimate goal to be about him gaining more acceptance.

That sounds like a very good reason.


I wonder if he wants me to tell my friend because he wants me to have someone to speak to or because he wants something out of it himself - namely more acceptance.

Why doesn't he tell some of his mates? :devil:

I think you'd both gain a lot from joining a support group. Actually I'm certain you would.

[Lady JayDee]

That sounds like a very good reason.



Why doesn't he tell some of his mates? :devil:

I think you'd both gain a lot from joining a support group. Actually I'm certain you would.

how do i locate a support group?