Do I open out now or later?

[Bethny]

Hi
This is my first thread so I will try my best everyone. :)

I have so many questions and something that I wanted to ask opinions about is to do with meeting potential partners. I am in a relationship myself and she knows me inside and out. It's not perfect, but then what relationship is!
There have been times before we met and sadly during our time also, when I have thought about how I could find someone else....as in which way to approach the whole thing as far as my femerninity is concerned?
I am an honest and caring person and I have had three long term relationships and was open from the start..infact I made sure that they knew about ' little` me before we got together. When I was in my teens I had the usual relationships most boys have and very much hid the real me away during it all. It felt amazing entering that first relationship ten years ago with hunesty and was a huge turning point for ' beth` as she could have a wardrobe and be herself at home and infront of another human being!...huge step!
I think sometimes of how it might be best to meet someone and let her get to know all the other things that make ' me ` first and then open out about ' beth`? Maybe way of thinking is a reflection of some kind of guilt i'm feeling inside about who I am?...? I admit I sometimes feel trapped by how imortant appearance/clothes are to me. Then i have days where I love it all.

Is it wrong to hold back certain things for a honeymoon period? I have mostly sided with the thought that by doing that you could end up both hurting her and wasting her time. You could end up hurting yourself even more too!

x b

[AllieSummers]

I entered into my current marriage of 23 years knowing I was different but at that time I was fighting to not do it. I thought I could beat it. I just came out to her in April of this year.

I can't imagine it getting easier as time went on. If you KNOW it will be around forever then I think you are setting yourself up for a fall. If you don't tell her and you really fall for her then you will be scared to lose her.

If I was starting over (thank God I'm not) I think I would find some way to meet women that like CDs or at least come out to someone you "like" after the first date or two...before you have too much invested. If you wait until it gets into the love phase you or her could really get hurt.

Kisses,

Allie

[alexis GG]

Beth I would say to be honest and upfront right form the start.... many people don't like even little lies... my motto is that honesty is the best policy :)

[Midnight Skye]

I agree with what Allie said. Sooner is better. I waited till the first year of my marriage, where I realized none of this was going to go away. I came out to my wife and things went ok. I'm actually sitting here typing this dressed head to toe (well no wig... I kind of grew my hair out - giggles -) and she's across from me with nothing but smiles.

Her number one complain though, is she wish I would have told her when we were dating. If I did it over again I'd have told her sooner. By the sound of it, I think you're thinking about things right. Let your partner know who you are as a person... see if there's a connection... then introduce your more quirky parts. Our quirky parts are what make us who we are. Some partners love our quirks... and a partner who loves your quirks and knows them is truly a partner for life.

[TSchapes]

My first date with my wife of almost 20 years, I was dressed as Elvira (it was Halloween). So I didn't hide it. But she didn't get the hint either. I told her after so many months of dating though. She left me for Florida for more than a year after I told her (though to be honest she was talking about this move before I told her anyway). But I wanted her to know exactly what I was before she went to Florida. I did not want to have her think about the one that might have gotten away without full disclosure.

We dated long distance and she eventually moved back and in and hasn't left yet! :D

So...what was I talking about. Oh yea, I would not do like I did and expose yourself right up front. But let her get to know the drab side first, then introduce your fem side. And yes, I believe that every TG person should let their SO know before the marriage or move in or some other huge commitment. It is only fair to the both of you!

Love, Tracy :love:

[Melissa Rose]

Bethny, I also vote for sooner rather than later. It may not be something you want to immediately share, but it should occur when it appears the relationship may be developing and starting to get serious. In my mind, it is analogous to having herpes. You usually don't blurt it out on the first date, but should disclose it as soon as there is any indication or reasonable possibility of becoming intimate.

[Olivia]

Hi

I am an honest and caring person and I have had three long term relationships and was open from the start..infact I made sure that they knew about ' little` me before we got together.

It felt amazing entering that first relationship ten years ago with honesty

Is it wrong to hold back certain things for a honeymoon period? I have mostly sided with the thought that by doing that you could end up both hurting her and wasting her time. You could end up hurting yourself even more too!

x b

I think you already know the answer hon. :)

Olivia

[Bethny]

Thanks everyone

I think I am doing right by the other side . Just for the record....I am fully open with the girl I am with and she accepts me and loves me. I love her but I do have some doubts too sadly. I sometimes wunder if I have stayed with her out of fear of not finding someone else who will be as accepting.
* I know that this is an awful thing to say and maybe I'm being selfish?...thing is that I really do have a lot of love for her and being close with her works well too...so I have my reasons for staying with her. She wants to settle and have children etc....I am unsure for several reasons and no doubt most of you have had/having such doubts.??

For me it is partly about how my lifestyle ( fem ) would have to change/hide if I had a family. Then it is also about all the above...in how I am not sure what love is these days?? I wunder if i am lacking the drive and passion to have a family through lack of drive and passion for my partner. Like a spark is too dim or like maybe she is just not the one? I mean how do you know when you are in love?.....or is it something that just happens to you and then you know what it is? Has it got the power to make these big life decissions simple because they come naturaly when you are in love with each other?

My theropist put the question recently that ' maybe it's as good as it gets`...meaning that maybe I have found the 'one` and I want more in some kind of never satisfied way! Grass is always greener!

I know there are some very lonely people in the world and that I am lucky to have a loving partner, I am just feeling trapped in having to do right by her and by me.

x b

[Jennifer N J]

As selfish as it may sound or seem you must make this decision to first be true to yourself, and then to her. If you don't it will fester and you wony be happy. If you decide to stay with her she will need to understand that children will not make your need to be you go away. But you have a tough decision to make hun

[SamathaCD]

Beathny,
I'also have to agree with everyone up above. After being married a few years, I wish I had told my wife about Samatha when we were still dating. I think what you'll see if you do some searching on this forum, that it's very hard on the wife when you come out. It can put a tremendous strain on the marriage and sadly, a lot of times can end it.

[Samantha Kelsey]

Hi there,
From experience I have to say be open from the start. Don't risk breaking her or your heart when the truth comes out later. It's just not worth it. If you lose her at the start then she's not for you anyway.

[dawnmarrie1961]

Dear Bethny (I almost spelled you name Bethany. Does Bethny mean Beth from New York? Answer that only if you want to. I originally from N Y state. That's why I ask.)

There is no reason whatsoever to feel "guilty " about who you are. The term "guilty" assumes that you are doing something wrong. You are most definitely not. Being yourself is always the right thing to do. Appearance and clothes are external only. They are not the sum of who you are and shouldn't be used to gauge yourself in comparison to other people. Doing so only sets you up for disappointment feeling that you will never externally measure up. You don't need that.

I'm going to quote Stewart Bernard Shaw, again .

"The reasonable man adapts to the world around him. The unreasonable man expects the world to adapt to him. Therefore all progress is made by the reasonable man."

Cross dressing is our way of adapting to the world around us. Many people that I've talked to over the years told me of traumatic events, or a series of less traumatic events , in their childhood that corresponded with their first recollection of cross dressing.

I myself remember being humiliated by my father every night at the supper table for not being able to eat anything that had dairy in it. It would make me sick and I would throw up. Back then being lactose intolerant wasn't widely know of. So my Dad thought I was doing it deliberately. He'd get down right mad at me. That made going to the supper table something I dreaded every day. I was a "Junior" and I felt that I wasn't measuring up because I would never be as big and strong as my father was. What he wanted me to be. That's when It started with me. As a response to feeling inadequate in my father's eyes. I saw that my sisters were all smaller than the boys. Dad was always nice to girls. "
I have to be like them, I thought.
Then my father would love me too.
I was adapting to the perceived world around me.
Once a behavior becomes established in this manner it quickly integrates itself into our persona. Because I hid the behavior from everyone around me and used it only as a coping mechanism. I never had to question its validity or explore other options. I found something that worked for me. When I was dresses as a girl I would imagine that my father loved me.

I don't blame my father. He didn't know any better. I created my own behavior. I chose it.
Life is all about choices.

Relationships are also about choice. You can choose to be honest with your potential partner even though it may give them pause to think differently about entering a close relationship with you? Or you can chose to dishonest and tell them later hoping that if you build a strong foundation it will be able to withstand the strain that eventually telling the truth will put on it?

Those choices are only "yours" to make.

Be safe. Be smart.

Dawn Marrie

[ReineD]

I wunder if i am lacking the drive and passion to have a family through lack of drive and passion for my partner. Like a spark is too dim or like maybe she is just not the one? I mean how do you know when you are in love?.....or is it something that just happens to you and then you know what it is? Has it got the power to make these big life decissions simple because they come naturaly when you are in love with each other?

My theropist put the question recently that ' maybe it's as good as it gets`...meaning that maybe I have found the 'one` and I want more in some kind of never satisfied way! Grass is always greener!

I know there are some very lonely people in the world and that I am lucky to have a loving partner, I am just feeling trapped in having to do right by her and by me.

Your words above said it all. Most of the people responding to this thread are talking about whether you should tell your SO about Beth or not. But your real question is should you settle for a woman that you like but are not sure that you love, out of fear of not being able to find someone else. Should you settle with someone for whom you feel no passion?

You owe it to your girlfriend and to yourself to figure this out before you go any further with the relationship, certainly before you have any kids. Please be honest with her about your feelings. A woman knows when there is a lack of passion from her partner, so I am guessing she already senses there is something amiss, but she is hoping it will go away. Maybe she thinks that having kids will fix everything. It won't. It will make matters much worse, and you stand to hurt potential future children if you do not figure out what you want now. Marriage is hard under the best of circumstances, let alone when you get into it already feeling trapped.

So my advice to you is to let your girlfriend go until you figure things out, and to go ahead and experiment with finding a mate for Beth, if this is what is causing you all this doubt. You owe it to yourself to figure it out. Your girlfriend also deserves to be with someone who can return her feelings.

I don't know what your circumstances are and whether the two of you could take a break for 6-12 months until you can figure things out? Please talk to her and tell her the truth.
:love:

[Kelly DeWinter]

My only question is WHY ?

why go through the suspense of holding things back ?
why go through the arguments when you finaly reveal ?
why go through the breakup for lying ?

why not give honesty a chance ?

you both deserve complete honesty .

[Sophia de la luz]

Of course it's better to withhold the truth. Keep it for yourself, in case sharing it ruins it. And honesty becomes misery, because we're usually happier living lies. It's something we're used to. You start getting all "truthy" and before you know it, you'll have all kinds of extra energy and time you used to use for disguise and manipulation. Maybe you have a business idea to fill that time with, to make your millions. But, you probably don't. So, filling your life with melodrama and bad choices is much better. At least it's a life worth living, right? And then, your secret, true self is safer, unspoiled and at no risk of attack. Unless of course, you're found out. But that's what all the disguise and manipulation are for... especially the little lies each day that keep people in the dark. You've gotten good at it. Why stop now? You're happy, right?

[mklinden2010]

I'd have to go with RD on this one, you problem isn't CDing, it's the inability to commit happily to this person/a person without worrying about your own agenda. That's OK, just be honest about wanting everyone to be happy - there are just a lot of ways that can be done, as it turns out.

When "her" well-being is at least equal to your own, you won't have any doubts and those doubts won't be eating you up. When you want to live with your life and her life being lived together, you'll be thinking about how you two can do your best as a team, a couple, best friends... Not worrying about how you can stand to be around her when you might ought to be someplace else, with someone else. That's hell...

Perfectly alright to feel the way you do. Kudos for paying attention to your feelings and asking questions. Thing is, you're simply not ready for this situation and you can either break up with her and avoid the subject or just have a talk with her (one of many?) and tell her that you are bothered and upset that you might be wasting both your time and hers. Trust me, better to air this out now than five years and two kids from now.

If you both need more practice at being a couple, keep dating until being with someone is as natural as scratching your own ear: it just feels right, you can't imagine wanting to do it any other way. Sounds silly, but you live best living freely and without thinking about it very much.

Good luck.

[harmony]

i think i see another angle here:
should i settle with her because she accepts my cd ing but i am not convinced she is the love of my life
or
should i look for the love and risk wether she will accept my femme self.failure in this would mean becoming a lonely old maid. pigeon on the roof or bird in hand.
the only thing that will set one free in this situation is making a decision and sticking with it.that one has to do on ones own.

[Christina Horton]

I always tell my dates on the 3rd date or right up front. Now I am out to all and If I find a girls now she would know before the first date. So I say lay it all out for her every thing cuz if you don't you WILL regret it.