Sister stated no forgiveness for who i am ( Nadeen Surrenders for Son )

[dancer1]

To all my friends here at the forum who have given me great advise,and support, i wish to say thank you. It is a sad week in the fact that i agreed to a ultamadum that my wife impossed.
I have removed all Nadeens existance from the residence and agreed not to dress anymore.
Thou i removed it my wife took a day off too pack it, she clearly will not move on her position,and feels that my Son would not benefit from this part of me at all. And with a large family i have she is worried about her image if my sister desides her personal dislikes should be shared with my siblings.
Once again i revert back to the closet. At 49 i thought i was pass this point in my life, but unreasonable that i may feel in my heart with my wifes position she in fact is my wife and a great mother too our children.
And when she aked me what was more importance Nadeen or her the truth is answer in a millisecond Her.
I do however feel displaced now but this forum has allways been kind and i ask my fellow CD'ERS to forgive me.
I still have personal santuary in my office, and private cpu.

With Love And Respect Sincerly Nadeen

[BarbaraAnn]

I know you did what you think is the right thing and I commend you for that. However I can't help but think you are trying to leave something that is very very hard to do and is much a part of you as anything else in your life. I wish you the very best and hope the future is kind to you. Maybe someday your wife will understand we are not criminals or perverts but just people who have more then one side to them. Once again I wish you the very best.

[dawnmarrie1961]

Nadeen ,
I am regret what you are going though. Very sad indeed. You are putting others needs before yourself and that is honorable. You are making a "choice". But just be aware that as with any behavior that is being suppressed, no matter what the good intentions, can come back with a vengeance. You may want to seek out counseling just to be on the safe side. I recommend that for your wife as well. She may be reluctant because she may see the problem as being just "yours". In a marriage there is no such thing.


Be safe. Be smart.

Dawn Marrie

[Hope]

Whenever I hear about couples giving each other ultimatums - I worry allot. It's the sort of behavior that is antithetical to a healthy marriage, and implies a significantly out of whack power imbalance.

I know you believe you did what was right for your marriage - and perhaps you did - but I am forced to wonder if a marriage like this one is right for anyone. I personally try not to reward bad behavior.

I wonder what sorts of ultimatums you r wife would tolerate from you?

[Crysten]

Serious decision there. Good luck, I hope it works out. Not very much space inside a closet. I should know, been in one a LOOOOONG time.

Your wife is a meany by the way, NO ICE CREAM FOR HER!!!!:tongueout

Crysten

[Wen4cd]

Nadeen will always be like an angel watching over you whether you dress like her or not. Keep her real, and you may find her coming through you no matter how you dress. Feel her posture when you walk. Feel her spirit when you breathe.

Dress is only a tool, find other tools to keep her alive if you have to, but do keep her alive, becuase in doing so, you keep yourself alive.

A dear friend once told me: "You are Her. She is You. You can't kill her."

It's true for you and Nadeen as well.

edit: BTW, tell your wife I said your son is a grown man now. You've fulfilled your responsibilities to him. She can't use coddling him as a lever anymore.

What I imagine happening is a change of lifestyle for all of you, now that he's grown, and is off fighting in wars, being an adult. It's upsetting her more than your dressing is, and she's projecting it onto Nadeen. But Nadeen is the part of you that can relate to her loss, feel the emptiness you both experience as the nest empties. Lifestyles are going to change after that. Find a compromise where she gets what it is she really needs, and so do you.

[Eve_WA]

I am so sorry to hear of this, but not surprising after your previous post about your son, sister and wife. I feel for you! I really do! I dont know how I would react if given the same circumstances, as I completely detest ultimatums. I personally feel that they have no place in a healthy relationship. Compromise, absolutely! Ultimatums, never! But that is something that you have to decide for yourself what you are willing to give up to maintain harmony. I feel that your actions are commendable!

As others have stated, do be careful. Repressing something to integral to who you are can have very real consequences. You may find that your attitude suffers, also your outlook on life. Do try to keep upbeat, and remember why it is that you accepted this. Otherwise, it can turn to resent and remorse. Both unhealthy to a relationship.

I hope that you find some way to express yourself, so that this doesnt fester, and end up destroying not only your relationship, but you as well.

Just remember, you have a sisterhood here! If you need to vent, cry, or whatever, We are here and understand!

I wish you all the best! Big Hugs!

Eve

[titli]

Dear,

Life demands commitments from us, and we often give in to it for the loved onces - sacrificing our happiness.

At 42, I live with a large family and have always been in closet: always short of three resources - money, time and privacy! But I ask myself: do I merely want to impersonate a woman's body? Can't I be a woman in a broader sense by becoming a woman at soul? I try to create my existence here with all you nice women!

No, I also don't get convinced myself at all my arguments all the time, but with time there is no scar left, only sweetness!!

I am sure, Nadeen will never cease to exist and she will be there to make a better human being out of of you...

Hugs and all the best in life ~ today, tomorrow, always...

[Miranda09]

Chin up Nadeen. you still have a family here you can visit when you need to. It may be hard to accept right now, but you'll get through it. Family must come first in this case. Maybe when your son gets older, you can discuss this issue with him. :hugs:

[jennCD]

:( Sorry to hear...


jenn

[saraleehanes]

Dear Gurl,

I wish you well. My closet door is shut pretty tightly. I doubt it will be opened and the contents shared.

May you have strength when you need to resist the urge to buy or borrow that next pair of hose. I certainly would need it in your position.

Sara

[Bethany38]

Nadeen,
I have read both of your posts. In fact I had to back search to make sure I was not replying to the same one twice. In reading your second post I was brought to tears by the cruelty of the world we are forced to live in. The decision you have made is both admirable, and honorable. I hope that in the future things will change for you. I hope that one day you will be allowed to let Nadeen out of her closet. Until that time comes keep her very close to your heart so that she may serve as a stabilizing force for you. I can only imagine how torn you must be. I cannot see how your wife can be so selfish as to think of only her when there are three involved. I agree with what another said on you and her seeking counsel. I feel that is going to be needed on both sides. I will not lower myself to berate your wife, although I could think of some choice things to say. Right now my heart breaks for you and all that are forced to remain hidden from themselves and the world. I wish you nothing but the very best. May your son come home safe. I thank him for his service to our nation and us. Your sisters here will always be here when you need us. I truly wish you all the best, and feel the need to give you a :hugs::hugs::hugs:.....


Always Bethany

[KaraChristine]

In the two years since I became a member here I've read so many posts like this and honestly have struggled to understand. On the one hand, I can see that it's often noble and admirable to make sacrifices for those you love... it's hard to argue against that. But there seems to be a fine line between making a totally necessary sacrifice and falling victim to emotional blackmail from a spouse.

Of course it's hard to learn that someone you've loved and with whom you've built a life has kept secrets from you - I have enormous amounts of sympathy for the brave women who have to face this revelation about their crossdressing husbands. That's understandable. But if you truly love someone, you should be able to also see things from their perspective and have sympathy for their pain. No one knows better than us that crossdressing, gender experimentation, etc. is not a willful, capricious activity - it's a necessary, unavoidable expression of a deep emotional/physical need. I've read about too many spouses who act like it's just a bad habit that needs to be curtailed.

We live life once, and for a very short time at that. If someone truly loves you they will want you to be happy and fulfilled, end of story. People often use "the children" as excuses for not dealing with things that confuse or upset them. In my opinion there could be no worse example for my child than for me to scurry around hiding and supressing who I really am. That's not what I would want for myself or someone I love and that's certainly not the example I want to set for my children.

It's kind of like the fable about the Emperor's New Clothes around here sometimes - like everyone is afraid to say the truth: if your wives demand that you stop being yourself even in the privacy of your own home then they are not really in love with you, they are in love with some false idea of what they'd like you to be. That doesn't sound like how I'd want to live my life or how I'd ever want my child to live.

[Bev06 GG]

Well Nadeene,
I truly admire you, what a selfless character you are. I sincerely hope that this works out for you and your family I really do. I am slightly concerned in as much as your wife and sister obviously do not have a true understanding of what Cross Dressing actually is and if they think that they can control it with emotional black mail then they are very mistaken and dillusional at best. They may be able to throw your clothes away but short of brain surgery they cannot remove the feelings and urges that you will have. You sound like you have been CDing for quite some time and my question to them both would be has this made you a bad husband or a bad father?

Quite frightening really, I hope upon hope that in a few years theyre not condemning and deserting you because youve turned into an emotional wreck and in their opinion no longer fit to be the figure head of the family.
It could be that you are very strong and walk away never to return with litle or no impact on your own emotional well being. That isn't usually the case though and having talked to many men who have suffered emotional breakdowns because of such situations I cannot help but worry for you.

Does this mean now then that your sister will talk to you and the relationship will be restored. If so then you will have to show great strength of character to look her in the face, tell her that you love her and mean it from the bottom of your heart with no resentment whatsoever. Sheesh we expect alot from human beings dont we and Conditional love is so very difficult to come to terms with. I wonder how your wife would respond if you were to ask her to make a similar sacrifice. I also wonder what both your wife and sister would say if your son came home and said he had CD tendancies and was going to start dressing, would they also try and Control him. If he married and his wife treated him in a similar fashion to how you are being treated, would you wife jump to your sons defence or support his wife in her decision to clip his wings and control him. Sorry to sound so condemning, at the end of the day you have made what you perceive to be the right decision and you have put your family before your own needs. That is very noble and very brave and I wish you every success. I guess if your family show the same gusto in supporting you now there is a chance that there will be a happy ending so forgive me for sounding so negative.
Take care my friend and good luck
Bev

[TJ Tresa]

My dear Nadeen, I am truely sorry to hear that you have to go back into the closet. I hate that your sister has caused all of this and threatened to tell eveyone especially your son.
I am proud to call you a sister and a friend for having chosen your wife in a milisecond. That show integrity and she might not know it but you are a good man as well.
I wish you he best and good luck in the future. Hugs from TJ Tresa.

[celeste26]

This is a perfect example of why we need to be clear and open prior to marriage and dont get married to anyone until this issue is dealt with. It doesn't mean we need to completely leave our closets, just honest enough with our potential mate so that it doesn't destroy us later when we have far more to lose.

Truth is if the other person really loves us they will understand, those who dont understand dont really love us and we need to leave.

[AllieSummers]

Nadeen,

I don't know you but I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I am so lucky to have a supportive wife. I almost feel like I don't deserve it.

I do agree with everything said previously but...

I also have to agree with Kara. Someone that truely loved you wouldn't do this to you. Having said that, we have to take responsibility for explaining exactly how we feel to our spouses. If you were able to fully communicate that to her and she really fully understands how much pain this decision is going to cause you AND she still gives you this ultimatum then I honestly believe that she doesn't love you.

You could give her the ultimatum right back. If you really love me then you will accept me for who I really am. YOU have to choose between me/Nadeen or not having me. What would her answer be? If it is to not have you then that proves the point.

This isn't about ultimatums. It is about compromise. We have to be willing to meet in the middle sometimes. That means that both of you might have to give up something. In this case you are giving everything and she is giving nothing.

This just kills me... :(

Kisses,

Allie

[stephaniesacd]

I don't really know anyone on here yet however after reading both of your posts my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine what you must be going thru or feeling. I hope everything works out for you and from what I know of this community, you will always have a safe haven with friends here. I have to agree with several others here when they say that Nadeen will always be a part of you. I think she will find a way to show thru in little, unobtrusive ways that you may or may not notice but will be there nonetheless. My best wishes and :hugs: go out to you hun.

[chrissie-h]

Nadeen,
You've done a wonderfully brave thing. Make sure your wife understands the sacrifice you are making. You are not a naughty child who has finally decided to behave himself again. You are sacrificing something that is extremely important to you for the sake of your family's, and indeed her, well-being.
Please make sure she understands - and above all respects - the magnitude of the decision you've made.
My best wishes and love.:love:

[MsJanessa]

Good luck darling---I hope it works out for you----but there were at least a couple of times in My life when I purged and thought I could quit CDing---but it always raised its lovely head again---I suspect that things aren't really settled with your wife---she sounds like she is really conservative religious and quite intolerant----come back and talk with us when ever you feel the need---and if you would like to pm me or anyone else on the website it will not be a problem (for me at least and I suspect for nobody else either)

[Andy66]

Aw, Nadeen. How sad. You seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place... but only until you say "enough is enough."

My personal opinion:
Your son now knows that something is up and everyone has been hiding something from him for years. If you could manage to tell him what's really going on, it may take him a while to process the information, but likely he will decide he appreciates your honesty, and he loves you anyway because you're his dad, and the "secret" will lose its power as a blackmail tool.

[Hope]

In the two years since I became a member here I've read so many posts like this and honestly have struggled to understand. On the one hand, I can see that it's often noble and admirable to make sacrifices for those you love... it's hard to argue against that. But there seems to be a fine line between making a totally necessary sacrifice and falling victim to emotional blackmail from a spouse.

People often use "the children" as excuses for not dealing with things that confuse or upset them. In my opinion there could be no worse example for my child than for me to scurry around hiding and supressing who I really am. That's not what I would want for myself or someone I love and that's certainly not the example I want to set for my children.

It's kind of like the fable about the Emperor's New Clothes around here sometimes - like everyone is afraid to say the truth: if your wives demand that you stop being yourself even in the privacy of your own home then they are not really in love with you, they are in love with some false idea of what they'd like you to be. That doesn't sound like how I'd want to live my life or how I'd ever want my child to live.

What she said...

[Presh GG]

Oh Nadeen,
20 some years ago my husband decided he would quit cding. I don't know why he wanted to and he didn't say anything to me about it at the time.
But he became a differant person, Mean to me , mean to the animals. Really not the same person.
I wish you the very best in your life, I don't think this is a good idea.

Please listen to all the other posts. Nadeen is a necessity to your health...mental and physical.

Best wishes,
Springtime gg

She's really asking more of you than is her right.

[Fab Karen]

ultimatum- another word for lack of love. You can't make someone be what you want in the name of a relationship.

[Julogden]

Nadeen,

I can tell you from personal experience that it won't work. I know where you're coming from, been there and done that. You might be able to hold out for a while, but ultimately, it's going to destroy your relationship. You two need to work out a compromise or else call it quits, harsh but true. Find a good counselor for the two of you, preferably one who has some experience with gender issues.

Good luck!:hugs:

Carol

[Joselle3]

Agree with you totally Karen
You cannot make a person be what you want them to be just to make yourself happy,Thats just selfish in my opinion..Wheres the love in that?

[Ralph]

Wow, check out all the strong support just frothing over from this group.

Faugh. You people should be ashamed of yourself. Nadeen made a painful decision, agonized over her priorities, and you jerks are dumping all over her like she sold her soul. How about a little encouragement? This is the one place she could be completely open and honest about the problem, and look at the treatment she gets.

I for one am proud of you for putting your family first, Nadeen. I know it's gonna be tough, but I also know you can do it if it means that much to you. Go Nadeen! Go Nadeen! Naaaaaaaaaa-DEEN!

[docrobbysherry]

I was, and I think it cost me my marriage!:eek:

I used to give in to my ex when we were first married. Just on little things I didn't feel were important enough to argue about.
Over the years, she kept pushing for more and more authority. And, without thinking, I gave in to her.:sad:

When we started having problems, we saw a good therapist. While we worked on her issues with me, she was completely into it. When we started dealing with MY issues with her, the TRUTH came out!

I had been building up resentment over her increasingly demanding behavior. The therapist advised me to tell her when I felt she was being overly demanding and when I resented her attitude!

I did. I began to feel better. But, she couldn't stand that from me, after so many years of me giving in to her! She said she had NO INTENTION OF CHANGING! We both soon realized we couldn't live together. End of marriage!

GO SEE A THERAPIST ASAP! You'll quickly get info about yourself, her, and if your marriage is worth saving!:brolleyes:

[Nadia-Maria]

Nadeen,

Your wife and sister's behaviours remind me those of my ex-wife and sister.
It was not exactly the same situation, but the devil-like behaviours were about the same.

When I became aware of that (not quite easy because my sister and ex were very hypocritical lyers), I banned them from my life, whatever high the cost would be for me. And it has been quite high.

I never regretted it. It was even the best decision I ever made. I prefer to be surrounded by gentle and caring people than by devils. Life is too short to live it as hell or as a golden jail.

[Celeste]

I was given ultimatums prior to the demise of my marriage,the breakup wasn't cd related,nonetheless I feel an ultimatum is a lack of patience ,it means"I don't have time to deal with what your dealing with".

I seriously hope one day she can make an effort to understand you better.