Counselling advice please

[Bethny]

Hi everyone
I am in my 30's and reached a point earlier this year where I felt I had no choice but to go see someone. I had been thinking about it for a couple of years but didn't make the step partly out of feeling I wanted to deal with things in my own way and also an underlying feeling that things can't change...as in I will alway feel like I do and how can someone else help that?

Things reached a head and got to tough and I was too low so I stepped into theropy 3 months ago. I go once a week and I wanted to ask your advice about what I should do next.....?

I have no doubt that the Dr I see is quolified and cares etc. I have felt a lack of speach from him and yet I know that is natural as it is about me ... I have started to think that it's just a weekly cathartic rant and I'm not moving forward, like i am repeating myself each week and sometimes going off on a tangent.

We've talked about

How I feel inside
What I think I want
What I feel able to do to get what I want
My relationship
My sadness
What I feel when I see a woman in public who I relate to
Clothes and what they mean to me
and more...

Have you found it worked for you when you stuck at it? Did you find another Dr and that then worked? How long did it take ( for you )?

Trying to make clear sense of my feeling inside and find a happier way of life is exhausting me these days. I do identify with those among us who feel mismatched with our male forms. I have felt for a long time that changing that side of things is not an option for me as I would never be accepted as real. ( this is my story and I really am not judging any of you :)

....The way I prefer to look/dress is for me a way of stepping closer to 'her` inside and yes I would give almost anything to have the body that seems to be longed for. I have soooo much respect for anyone who has the strength and courage to take steps to change things...I just don't feel I can do it. I feel at the same time that I am going to have some huge regrets in later life and I think about that too much and it's not healthy.

What is your experience of counselling?

Thankyou
x b

[rebekahm]

Hello Bethny,

When I finally got to the point in life where I was serious about transitioning I sought out the best therapist I could who understood what transsexuality was. I went to many counselors over the years where I ended up teaching them more about transsexuals then they did helping me - and I was paying them! That said, when I approached counseling I tried to approach it in a holistic way knowing that my gender issues were just one facet of my life. A big one for sure, but still only one part. With that in mind I spent several years going to my therapist anywhere for stretches of once a week to other times of once every few months as I worked through issues. Sometimes I would talk and talk and talk for weeks on end with little to no input from my therapist. Other times she would ask probing questions and direct our discussion based on previous sessions.

There would be times we would go two, three, four sessions without discussing gender at all and deal strictly with other issues. And the other issues were things many people face in life - loneliness, isolation, family issues, etc. but all with an eye on how everything integrated into my life and where I was at the time. I had many long stretches of thinking I was spinning my wheels and getting nowhere but in the end my therapist assisted me through and after about four years of work. Now four years might sound like a lot but I wanted to work through all my issues and get to a good place where I was comfortable transitioning and ready to move forward. I had my endo letter early in the process but waited to begin hormones until I was mentally through other things going on in my life. Each of our journeys will be different - obviously - but I am happy I stuck with it where at times I would ask myself "What the heck am I doing?", "I don't think I am getting anywhere!", "This will never work I might as well give up!". I was glad I eventually found someone who could understand the whole person and how that relates to the T-issues. I now feel I am a whole person and much happier than I was when I began serious therapy after removing many self-imposed road blocks to transitioning.

I hope that is somewhat of an answer. My apologies for being verbose. I too never thought I could be accepted as a woman - heck if you could see where I started!!!! But deliberate moves, good therapy, a group of friends who love me and accept me for who I am have gotten me to where I am pretty happy today and am on the threshold of going full-time.

Hope that helps (and makes sense)!

[Veronica_Jean]

Beth,

I have only been to one and she has helped me but not by telling me what to do. I think most therapists goal is to help you see the direction that you need to go and letting you go there.

They can help you see if there are other issues that are the source of your discomfort which are not really gender issues. I guess I would not expect then to try and tell you what you should do or not, they will guide you to have greater success as you move along your path and help you understand issues as you go along.

Yes, you do the work and that can be exhausting. I too simply knew that a six foot 300 pound massive male looking person had no chance of ever being thought of as a woman, so why even try. Eventually I found the discomfort to be intolerable and simply had to go there. Work related complications caused me to change jobs recently so I am on even more shaky ground. But in many ways things are so much better now than ever before.

I am no longer hiding from everyone and trying to find a place where I can be myself. I simply work to be myself in the world around me, still working as a male, but a female otherwise. That will change as the timing gets better. I do want to present much better as a female before I start working as one.

My therapist has helped me acknowledge what I am and where I need to go, but I am the one that has started that with her. I am the one that wanted some validation that what I felt was real, and that I could and should move forward. The subtle comment in one session on her part of "well Ron simply isn't cutting it anymore" provided me the realization that I had no other choice and needed to move forward with transitioning.

I knew it all along..... I just needed someone to confirm it for me.

The planning, discussions, letters, face to face discussions, are all on me to do. No one can tell me what I feel or how to communicate that to others. I don't expect a therapist to know what I should say because they are my feelings and thoughts. They can help me say it, and guide me, but I have to lead and let them help.

If you are waiting on your therapist to tell you what to do, I don't think it will ever happen. In fact they may assume you are not ready to move forward based on you lack of need to lead them in that direction. :2c:

I am sure many others have their own therapy experience, this one is mine.:)

:hugs:

Veronica

[dawnmarrie1961]

Hello again, Bethny.
Much like you I thought I could handle the situation on my own. That was a mistake and it cost me dearly. I didn't actually seek out professional help until I was on the brink. Standing in the stall of the ladies room in a highway rest area with a knife in my hand. So alone and so scared to death. Just wanting to end my pain. Fortunately I came to my senses. Realizing that I would probably bleed to death long before anybody found me. I dropped the knife and ran straight to my car and drove to the nearest hospital emergency room.

I spent a year talking to a psychologist in VA. Funny thing about psychologists, they let you do all the talking. They are good listeners. But the whole idea is for you to figure things out for yourself. A good psychologist isn't going to be able to give you all your answers. They are there to assist you with finding them out for yourself. That requires you to be open and honest with them and yourself. It also requires remembering things in your past that are going to cause you a lot of emotional pain when they are brought to the surface. A lot of pain. This is done not to access blame but to find the trigger that started the behavior. It can be one major event or a series of smaller events that culminate to produce the same effect. An established behavior. The thing about memories in the past is often the become diluted by time and don't come out clearly. Sometimes they are embellished by the present behavior as a way of seeking validation for it. Behavior always seeks validation and reenforcement in order to justify itself. And established behavior with years of practice concealing itself is a formidable opponent. It has become so intertwined with our personal identity that it can be impossible to separate them. Often attempts at doing so can cause severe, almost manic, depression.

There is no cure for such an established behavior. But there are options. If caught early enough, the behavior can be diminished by introducing other ,more positive, behaviors to take it's place.
Medication is often prescribed to deal with the depression. (I hate pills.)

My behavior has existed or over 45 yrs so I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to be able to get rid of it. It has become so much a part of who I am. If it were to disappear now I would probably cease to exist. So I have to learn to live with it, even though I allowed it to destroy my marriage and cause undue emotion damage to my loved ones. Life is to precious and short to do otherwise.

My behavior has become "Me". I accept that and all that it entails. If I had known what I know now back when the behavior first started I would have sought out help. It maybe to late for me. But it is not to late for you.

Good luck.

Be safe. Be smart.

Dawn Marrie

[Hephaestus]

You might be better off looking up a directory (I used one, but didn't save the link :doh: ) of trans friendly therapists. A lot of psychiatrists/psychologists are qualified to deal with depression, etc... but for instance, one I saw when I was 15 or so was telling me that crossdressing was a dark path that lead to axe-murdering women for their panties. Needless to say, some therapists have their own human prejudices against people who step out of gender norms.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck :)

[Bethny]

x

Thankyou for every word you have all written. Dawn....the depression is an issue for me at the moment and the Dr is pretty much saying he thinks it would be a good idea. I am quite anti pills too and I have explained that to him in how I feel I would not be in control of my feelings anymore. I understand the point that he makes about the depression being lifted in order to work through surrounding issue in my life ( gender aside )
For me the starting point when I was a child was not driven by any particular event or situation. I just simply seemed to adopt the interests and role of a girl. The obvious hiding away etc came with that, which sadly exists still in a different and more automatic way as it's been honed over the years....I hate that though!

I really have soooo much respect for those of you who have no doubt gone through what I am going through and have since stepped into the real world as themselves....I sadly just can't see how I can do it ...at least at this stage in life. The thing is that I feel I am stagnent and not moving. I work and pay my way then go home and usually become myself as much as I can. I do this every day,every week,every month....

The step to get help has been to just ' do something`! ...as I have hit some very low points in the past year. I lost my Father 18months ago and his death was a trigger in me which set off thoughts of age and what I'v not done in life and what I might regret in 40 years time. That dark way of thinking has faided a bit now and the Dr says stay away from that way of thinking too. I know it's all very dark and yet I am struggling to find the direction. This has all no doubt been said before on here...it's just my story!

I do hide away a lot and even though i have a partner we don't live together. I work partly from home and so I will sometimes not leave the house for 2 days. I'v become anti-social and yet I have a natural social side to me.

....I'm loosing my line of thought ....bit tired now. come back to this.
xx b

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

We could possibly often suggestions of a good therapost. Mine is in SE PA. She is very good and several people I know from this forum have her as a therapist. I rate her a 10 on scale of 1-10 :battingeyelashes: Kim

[Bethny]

We could possibly often suggestions of a good therapost. Mine is in SE PA. She is very good and several people I know from this forum have her as a therapist. I rate her a 10 on scale of 1-10 :battingeyelashes: Kim

Thankyou Kim

I am in the Uk hun sadly. Thanks though.x b

[Sophie_Serendipity]

Hi Bethny,
I'm a big believer in counselling, but it can be a 'hit and miss' affair. It is really important that you find a therapist you are compatible with. To some extent you do have to shop around to find someone good. There are some real shockers out there, but there are some fantastic, supportive, caring ones too. I think it's important that you try to have a sense of what you want from counselling.
As far as medication goes; it is totally your right to decide whether to take it or not. Medication can be helpful, but it can cause problems of its own. Whatever you do, make sure you find a doctor who tells you ALL of the possible pros and cons... I don't think there is anything morally wrong with medication for depression, the question is whether or not it is right for you, and whether or not it works properly for you.

In relation to depression, please feel free to talk to me anytime. I have lived with depression my whole life, but after what has been a living nightmare, I have been able to get my life together and have now devoted my life to improving rights for those who live with 'the black dog'.
Here for you,
Sophie.

[MelissaSue]

After seeing a "family practice" counselor for three years, primarily because of unresolved anxiety and depression, I realized that we were dancing around the core issue. I knew the "why," and he didn't. So, for the first time in my life, I told someone else that I was transgendered. Ultimately, he agreed that we were treading water, and that it was time for me to talk with an expert in the field. It was nice going into that first session with a specialist with specific goals in mind, and getting right to the point. He, too, sets goals for therapy (a requirement of the insurance company), and we've already started cutting through the confusion. So it is possible...

[Terri Andrews]

My only thought would be to make sure that your counselor understands gender issues .

[Rayne1]

The therapist was just a tool for me to obtain my goal of transitioning by obtaining letters from them for Hormones and eventually getting Surgery. Once you find that you are a transsexual it does not change the way you feel you just understand why you feel the way you do. Then you have to decide what you want to do with your life from then on and can you live with the consequences of that choisce. You can remain miserable or face the problems you will come across in the transitioning process. Here in this forum you will find all kinds of people in their own state of transition. You are not alone now.