Together but Apart

[BarbaraAnn]

My wife accepts my crossdressing to a point. She allows me to dress 24/7 and does call me by my female name. However it has come with a great price. It has now been more then 10 years since my wife and I have had any physical contact with one another. No Kiss, No Hug, No Holding Hands, No Sleeping Together, nothing. Believe it or not we don't fight but she wants nothing to do with me physically. I wonder how many others live with their SO like that or am I the only one. We have been married 37 years and she has known about my crossdressing for 35 of them. I do still love her with all my heart and I believe she cares about me but being who I am has put a wall between us that at this point can't be broken. I would hope that I am the only one that is like that:sad: because life has not been easy to live that way.

[Marissa Anne]

I think this is a common fear if it isn't a common experience.

Has she given reasons for your lack of intimacy? Presumably this isn't from lack of communication or discussion?

Marissa

[Granny Gray]

Before you conclude the absence of intimacy relates exclusively to your crossing the nylon barrier, be aware it may be your wife's reaction to a whole group of things which may or may not included crossdressing.
Frigidity is a complex reaction which is usually found to be caused by a multitude of triggers.
You are, of course, concerned and rightly so. The two of you need to work with a counselor skilled in intimacy issues who is also well aware of gender issues. Don't be quick to assign blame for a complex reaction to a single thing. J

[Carol A]

Well in my case my wife knew going into our marriage and she has for 45 years now excepted it and more or less let's me be me.
But when she wants her man around for a while she tells me so and I agree.

Marriage and crossdressing are an agreeable thing between two people as to what each would like and want and what the other thinks and wants. In other words talk and agree and never put one or the others words aside.

This has works for me for 45 years and I can dress everyday until she tells me no and I don't. :love:

[Diane Elizabeth]

I've been married 7 years this week. We have no intimacy other than sleeping in the same bed. She knows of my xd. But the one has nothing to do with the other in my case. But I understand to an extent what you are going through. You are not alone. DyLen

[Amy Lynn3]

Barbara, you are not alone. Their are many thousands, maybe millions right here in the USA like you. I stayed with my wife like you for over 20 years and then left. Nothing worked for us and she never knew about my cding, because I did it so little. My Lawyer/friend told me their were 100's of men he had talked to over the years, right in our home town just like us. He said they stayed with their wife for whatever reason, but the results were the same, just like you.
I stayed with my wife until I could not endure any longer and left her. Just for the record I am seeing a woman now who thinks I am a king and treats me that way. I know too many more ladies are out their, who would like to have a good man, regardless of what he wears. Do as you feel right, but you do have options. I say that so you will have hope, because I know how you feel. I have been there.

[TerriM]

HI
I am also married 37yrs. My wife has known about 27yrs of my femme side. We still have sexual relations. Not a lot, but it is a pleasurable for both of us when we do. I do not dress in front of my wife. She has no interest in my femme side. At times I wish she would meet Terri, but deep down I know it wouldnt work. I get out dressed about 1x a month. Its difficult but its a balance that I have reached in my life at this time. We are all different and how we deal with our femme side is sometimes a personal decision.

Yours Terri

[docrobbysherry]

And I'm afraid in many marriages that is TRUE!:sad:

I'm one who has been thru the marriage, then, no sex/intimacy, then divorce.

It is my oppinion that a marriage without sex, is NOT a good one!
A marriage without intimacy, is NOT even a marriage. Simply roommates involved in a financial contract/arrangement!:brolleyes:

It sounds to me, like your marriage problems have little, or NOTHING, to do with your CDing!

[Sandra]

I would hazard guess that it's not just the cding that is the problem here....and you are right to be conerned, both of you need to talk and perhaps go see a threapist to see if you can get to the bottom as to why your SO is like this, it may be that she is just to scared to say anything and has just let things go on as they are.

I do hope you can get some answers.
:hugs:

[Philipa Jane]

Hi all.
I think I may be about to fall into this group of people.
My SO and I have been talking all weekend off and on.
She is confused,worried,insecure and angry.
I do not blame her for any of these reactions but I will admit to being very upset at the suggestion of no intimacy and that we would only be friends in the future.
I have not reacted to that yet as it may just be the hurt side talking.
Things got a little better on Sunday evening with much love and attention from me and we have ended on an up note.
The problem for the SO is that she cannot see any upside to all my CDing.She now knows how serious I am about this and that it is something in me that I cannot control.
I hope acceptance does not come at a price.
We have had cuddles and kisses and are still in the same bed,I just need to get across that I am not always in female mode.
I felt progress when she cracked three jokes at my expense and we both laughed.
Philipa Jane

[StephanieH]

Actually, I'm astonished you're still married. No physical contact in ten years? Then who are you guys having physical contact with? I can't imagine living like that. Hope all goes well and improves very soon. Honestly, if it came down to my wife not wanting anything to do with me or my dressing, I'd have to pitch the dressing and just live without it. I couldn't give her up like that. Take care and God bless. :straightface:

[Persephone]

Like others, it is hard to pinpoint the extent to which CD'ing is a factor in the equation of frigidity, but, trust me, many more are in your situation than you might think.

[Carola]

The intimacy in a couple it precisely what makes a difference with the other people who is around us. It is that kind of complicity that make one person special to another; when it's lost, the relationship is over, as was say above. You are just a few people who live together wainting for, what really? What are your perspectives as a couple? Perhaps kids are big now, and have left the house and you two are there. What do you talk about every day? What do you share?

I'm not asking to get answers. I try to say that marriage is just a word if it doesn't have some special bonds between the two member of it.

My best wishes to you, dear.

[PetiteDuality]

We can try to fool ourselves and pretend that our crossdressing will have no effect in the way our SOs looks at us and are attracted to us.

Of course it's going to affect, in a positive or in a negative way. Dressing has a strong sexual component, whether you're aware or not. It's about how you present regarding gender.

[Roberta Marie]

First, this may not be a case of being fridged, which I believe generally refers to not wanting or getting enjoyment of sex, or even a revulsion of sex. It may be a decrease in or loss of labido. In this case, a person is still capable of enjoying sex, but the sex drive is either decreased or not there. The latter can be caused by many things, including many drugs, especially those used to treat depression, diet, lack of exercise, and poor self image. It may or may not be related to your crossdressing.


I would suggest talking to your wife about it, and possibly talking to doctor (with her permission), or a couselor.

Just my opinion and limited understanding.

Grace,

Bobbi

[o2bcindy]

im right with you sis my wife and i will be married for 11yrs this month and together 10 before that she new the first month we dated. but the last 6 and a half yrs has been a drought like you say except she does sleep with me on occason but still no touching. she says shes just not into sex but then i know she plays with her toy by herself. so i dont have any answeres either. just frustraded

[Sheila]

hun if you have been married 37 years and your wife has known about your dressing for 35 of them, allows you to dress 24/7 and does call you by your female name, then perhaps it is not all a revulsion to CDing if her lack of intimacy has just happened in the last 10 years, am making assumptions her but given the time scale it could be some menopausal changes going on in your wife ???? just a suggestion.
Others have suggested a therapist and a DR check up, they could be sound suggestions. Sometimes hun something happens and for whatever reason sex is no biggie at a certain point, then before we know it it becomes a way of life, maybe she felt unwell and it hurt to be touched, (a skin irritation or something) and before either of you were aware of it, it became "the norm" for her without her realising ? just a thought

[Phyliss]

"Intimacy"??? wazzat?

It's not so much from my dressing, she's known of my likes for quite awhile, as for full out dressing, that's only happened in the last 4 or so years. It's not a case of "no sex, because you dress up" but rather a combination of medical problems, depression, and all the drugs she takes to help with all the problems she has. That, and the resulting weight gain that makes "doing it" difficult at best, and <sarcasm on> we know how much fun sex can be when you have to work at it from an uncomfortable position <sarcasm off> .

So, as far as any sort of intimacy of the physical nature, heh , that hasn't happened for almost 10 yr or so, perhaps longer, I've lost count. Oh we sleep together and snuggle but that's as far as it goes. I've given up trying to "do anything" because that'll only upset her.

We've kinda reached an unspoken compromise, I take care of her and her needs, (assistance in the shower and drying off afterwards, getting dressed, cooking, laundry, house cleaning, and anything else required) and I can pretty much do as I want when it comes to "dressing" NO, I don't "go out" ... thought about it, but just can't make myself do that. However, some "relief" has been found, on occasion.

[DinaMature]

Actually, I'm astonished you're still married. No physical contact in ten years? Then who are you guys having physical contact with? I can't imagine living like that. Hope all goes well and improves very soon. Honestly, if it came down to my wife not wanting anything to do with me or my dressing, I'd have to pitch the dressing and just live without it. I couldn't give her up like that. Take care and God bless. :straightface:

I'm with Randi on this... to crossdress is part of my nature but a bond with my mate is so much more important and takes in many aspects of my life and hers. I could not sacrifice that much happiness or take that from her to satisfy one nuance of my multifaceted existence.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

My Spouse tells me that my crossdressing has ruined our sex life

JoAnne Wheeler

[glynnis]

Makes me realize how lucky I am.My wife totally supports me and we have a very good intimate life.In fact it is better when Im dressed.Next week we are on our own so will be dressed all week.Lots of fun.Feel so sorry for gurls whose wife wont accept them for how they are.Strange thing is I find women are far more accepting than guys.:)

[charlie]

Hello BarbaraAnn!
Wow, shat a terrible story. You are roommates. Is she really your SO or just that...a roommate. What happened to the love, emotional ties and physical needs that you two once had? All gone because you wanted to wear a dress? Life can be harsh, but that is too much to bear.

[ginafaye]

as we age my wife has a decreased libdo, but what we lack in frengcey we make up in quality she is my rock and loves my dressing but we keep it private

[BarbiB]

Sooner or later... All marriages "cool off". Those who can keep it torrid until they are in their 50's are blessed. Partners who can stay luke warm enough to pursue intimacy thru their 60's are few and rare. Couples who keep a sex life alive into their 70's are superhero's. I must confess. For me, it has always been a case of wanting only what I couldn't have.

[Kimmy55]

My situation was the same as JoAnn's.Quit dressing all together or no sex. She has since moved out.

[BarbaraAnn]

First off Thank You All for such wonderful comments. I want to make it clear I do not blame my wife for not wanting to have sex with me. I have told her I want to be a woman and she is not a lesbian. When we first met I thought I just wanted to crossdress but as the years have gone by I realized it was much more then that and now know I should have been a woman. What I do miss so very very much however is just having some kind of intimite contact like a hug, a kiss on the check, or just laying next to one another. Many days I feel like I am a leper and it breaks my heart not to have some kind of contact with her for I do love her very much. I now know I should have been honest with her from the beginning about my feelings. I know her life has not been very easy living with me the way I am. I am so so glad that many of you have found someone who can share your life with being who you are. God has truly blessed all of you.

[mklinden2010]

There was a comment here recently about someone crossdressing and their SO saying:

"When we're close, I still see the eyes of the person I love, no matter what you wear."

I think that sums up the love one person can truly have for another.

Consistently, I have said on these pages to live YOUR life as happily as you want to, or, make some changes.

If my SO treated me differently because I was horribly burned, I would be hurt and upset. But, ultimately I'd have to say, "You're not happy, I get it. And, you know what? I'm not here to torture you or ruin your life. Let's both agree that we both want you to be happy and you'd be happier somewhere else. Maybe with someone else... I'll be fine. In fact, I'll be happier thinking of you somewhere being brave enough to try again. I hope it goes well."

Now, you might think I was being self-less. But, actually I'm just interested in clearing room for both of us to begin again. "I love us both, I want us both to be happy - you go that way and I'll go this way. Good luck." Been there, done that, and it works better than grinding your way through life unhappily. A silk purse from a sow's ear is more likely.

Being willing to change, being willing to pay a price to get out of something... Well, worth the effort and the cost. No sense digging the hole deeper. You might have less money, fewer things, but if you're happier, it's more than a fair exchange.

Meanwhile, if it's all about looks, put the mirror on the other side. Frederick's makes a ton of money selling women clothes to signal interest and light a spark in their SOs... "GGs, if you know what turns your SO on, then get out of the jammies and into something that lights HIS fire."

I'm just saying.. Do what works. If she needs to see you in a fireman's outfit with an ax and a flashlight to knock you to the floor for some roll-around time, consider playing along.

You have your ideas about things, they have theirs. And, if it works out where you both get something for doing, what's wrong with a great success?

[dawnmarrie1961]

Barbra Ann,
There are ties that bond that go far beyond the physical and the sexual. I have a lot of respect for you wife because this. And I understand her reluctance to engage in physical contact with you. She doesn't want the "fantasy". She sees the "reality" of who you are. Don't fault her for not wanting to change her moral values and believe that girl on girl contact is ok. She sees you as her best friend. And I would hope that you see her as your best friend also. That should be enough. There are a lot of lonely people out there that have never had a best friend or have lost theirs. Consider yourself very fortunate to have one.

I had a best friend once. I married her. She was ok with the "fantasy" for a while but when the "reality" hit her like a brick wall she wasn't ready for it. And I wasn't going to force her to be something that she isn't. I love her to much for that. Today she lives with her boyfriend. And I have "mans best friend", my dogs, to keep me company. My ex-wife comes over to my apartment to visit from time to time. We sit down and have a cup of coffee or tea and reminisce about the old days and the kids, who are all grown up now. I consider us to be good friends. Maybe not best friends now. Just friends.
Do I wish that we could be more than just friends? I would be lying if I said "no". But that's the "fantasy". I have to live in the "reality". That is the choice that I made.

Be safe . Be smart.

Dawn Marrie