Who am I

[~Emma D~]

Hiya

I have learnt many things in the my life, but I still do not know the most important thing of all - WHO I AM.

I remember being very young and telling my older sister how i wanted to be like her when i grew up.

When i was 17 I tod my mother and sister i wanted to be a girl - went and changed into SKIRT and Top. After many phone calls i was eventually referred to a gender clinic. Unfortunately, i was never to make it to that appointment, having been physically talked out of going, with all my clothes torn up in front of me. :sad:

The problem is that was 30 years ago. I still have ths same feelings now as i did then.

in the years since, i have become a respectible husband and father and managed to keep my secret to myself somehow. I would dress up and go out over the years away from home, but it is never enough is it.

It changed four years ago, when i was talking in my sleep about a gorgeous dress i had seen. One thing led to another and i admitted part of how i felt, that i wanted to wear womens clothes.

Somehow we stayed together, but as they say, the genie was out the bottle.
I would continue to talk in my sleep over the next 2 years till eventually i said the words `I WISH I WAS A WOMAN' one night. Again we talked it through and stayed together (with me being a coward).

The final straw came last year, when we were out for the night, i was quite drunk. A woman came into the bar wearing this gorgeous blue dress. Without any thought i just said `her dress is gorgeous and i would love it`.

This led to a a big bust up but we agreed to stay together - we do not talk about my feelings and i have managed to control my talking in sleep.

My wife obviously does not trust me anymore, she is hurt, she knows that i am different but cannot cope with it.

Me, i see a deformed freak when i look in the mirror every day, i have a growth i just wish would disappear. I feel as though i am dead inside at times.

I simply cannot hurt her annymore.

We have been on holiday, lying on the beach, i was intersted in the guys as i always am, with my interest in women looking at bikinis - wishing i was wearing one myself and had all the right bits inside them.

I am so sorry to write this, but it is getting worse as i get older.

Today i treat myself to a gorgeous dress and i am determined to wear it out in public, fully dressed as a woman one day.

God - i jush wish i knew who i was.

Love

[joanlynn28]

Sarah, I know who you are because I was the same person you are now in this point of your life. Do yourself a very big favor, make that appointment to see a gender therapist to make up for the one you missed 30 years ago. I can speak from experience in that the feelings don't go away. I tried to hide and bury mine years ago to only have them resurface stronger and more powerful than before. I also wanted to see a therapist and finally did after my marraige fell apart after my ex-wife found about my true feelings about myself. Sure I lost a lot but the most important thing that I did not lose was myself and my identity. I am sure that the other women here share the same feelings. And now that I have finished my transition I am feeling better about myself than I have in a very long time. Because I have finally found peace within myself and I am comfortable in my own skin and I like the person that stares back at me in the mirror. And I am glad that you found us all here on the forum, I have found it a great place to share openly with others who have the same fears, problems, and feelings about themselves. Welcome home!:hugs:

[Melissa A.]

Joanlynn is right. I would add, YOU know who you are. Look, there are so many of us who have some regret. You aren't alone there. Even those of us who have acted live with it. You have a couple of choices-because one thing is true-it doesn't ever go away. In fact, it provabley gets stronger as time goes on-Do nothing and continue to suffer with outward integrity, or get help, and see where that leads you. But I think you do know who you are. Whether or not you can face that person is yet to be determined.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[pamela_a]

Sarah, I can only agree with what Melissa and Joanlynn have already said.

I too found myself in the same place you are not long ago. I recommend you find a therapist and keep that appointment you had. Only you can decide what ultimately to do but at least give yourself a chance to decide.

Like you, I buried who I was for nearly 50 years before I couldn't take it anymore and took the chance to explore being who I was. I'm still a work in progress but I've found many of the fears I had about transitioning were only ones I invented. I'm not going to portray it as a bed of roses and a smooth road, but for the first time in my life I'm at peace with myself...and, for me at least, that has been worth it.

I hope you find the strength to look inside to who you really are and the wisdom to find the path to your own personal peace.

Hugs.

-Pam-

[Saika]

Hi Sarah,

At 19 I talked to my father about wanting to be a girl. He told me about srs and truth be told with little support, lack of information I was kinda scared. I'm 32 now and have spent years in denial, drinking myself into the ground to hide my identity. ( 6 months sober now )

I came out to my partner and joined this site. There is a wealth of information here, lots of stories that are very helpful to read. I'm glad for this journey now and am accepting myself for who I am, well as much as I can, I have my up and downs.

Welcome to the forum sweetie.

[TerryTerri]

Sarah,
I. like the others, encourage you to seek gender counseling. I had, and it seems pretty common, loads of shame and guilt attached to all this and it clouded the basic issues involved. Gender counseling helped me get rid of many of the layers of guilt and shame. I was able to start seeing the root issues and my options. I was able to get much more honest to myself about all this. My counselor helped me look at my own history and see how gender issues had been present all my life and explained much of the way I behaved and reacted. It has been very shoulder lightening and eye opening.
I am still a loving husband and all the other trappings. At some future point I may transistion, I may not. As of yet I do not know. Simply having an honest awareness, with the affirmations of a professional, helps tremendously. I am no longer in conflict with myself or having to pretend I am somebody or something I am not. I am on hormones and it makes a world of difference to me. Fortunately, my wife has been able to digest, accept and adapt to all this. That's it's it own story and I am extremely lucky and grateful I found the soul to love that I did.
Anyway, a good counselor will not tell you anything, they will simply guide you into what questions to ask yourself to figure out your own answers. And, they will help you look back at your life from a different perspective and see things from a diffferent angle. That helped me so much. Gender issues have been an important part of my life all along. Until I was 47 (I'm 49 now) I did not know I had actual transgender issues. The most important 'next' step you can make is to make an appointment with a gender counselor. I had to drive over 200 miles to get to one, it was important enough.
If you are like I was, this is going to weigh upon you and make things uncomfortable until you deal with it. I simply got tired of the obession my brain had with all this stuff and the feelings of not really knowing what it means.
Best of luck to you. There are many wonderful souls here on this forum willing to share in your journey with you. Thank God for the internet and all this stuff. Us transgender folk no longer have to go it alone.

Good Luck to you.

[dawnmarrie1961]

Sarah,
Who am I? That is a question that only you can answer. Only you can truly know "yourself". Since you had this type of "behavior" at a young age and then tried to suppress it for years by keeping it secret I'm afraid you may have created a Pandora's box which ,as you get older, seems to be creaking ever more open. This is because by suppressing you behavior by keeping it secret you have never really faced it. Now it has come back to face you instead. By continuing your behavior in secret you have validated it to an extend that it has become intertwined within your mind as part of who you are. Now your behavior seeks "acceptance" from you. That's why you are feeling conflicted.
At this point in your life you have two clear choices.

One:
You can suppress the behavior again as you have in the past, although it may not be as easy this time around because the behavior has gotten kinda crafty over the years and won't go down without a fight. Which may require outside counseling and possible medication for depression.

Two:
You can accept the behavior, which is what it wants. By doing so you must be willing to accept everything that goes with it. Even if it means losing everything you hold dear. That is the price we have to pay for finding our true self.

These are not easy choices and should not be taken lightly.
Do not decide anything in haste or by yourself. Seek out the support of you loved ones and family if you can.

Ultimately the choice is always yours.

Be safe. Be smart.

Dawn Marrie

[Empress Lainie]

You are in a situation many of us have had to deal with.
Unfortunately there aren't any easy answers.
Watched the recent special tonight about the family where the husband was XXY and even after complete surgery the wife stayed with her but no sex, and they explained to the kids why they now had two moms. Kids were 6 & 7.

So many of us have tried to ignore the pull to be our true self, usually with not too happy results.

I wish the best for you, but its a hard road as many of the members will testify.

[noeleena]

Hi...
Oh dear . I was just thinking this ?? came up . some time ago for me...ill answer .
what get s to me is how long does it take ..for me 50 years . 11 years ago when i told Jos I was a woman i knew then who i was . i allso knew i would live as a woman ... of cause i did not have the answers . well at that time none . that came later . I know i keep saying if you accept your self does it matter how you look or what ever .. you are still who you are . ya ya with those extra bit.s & some missing . to use the term .
i know who i am .... a andro woman i really did not twig to that till allmost 3 years . ago . even having s r s & b a . i saw it staring in my face .. just a bit slow ... you know that made so much difference for me . just every thing fell in to place .....even though i was out as a woman . so is there a easy answer to knowing who you are . some times not .. till much later on in life . you know you are different just how much . oh. only you can know that .
Ill say this there is nothing that would ever make me go back to... trying ...to be a male . even though i am a mix or in the middle there have been so many changes that have taken place .. for me as a person . not so much the body side of things it.s in side . what you dont see . yet it does show .. after 11 years as a woman the hard . & the neat .. the word i use is being ...free...i allso know its hard on those who are close to us . thats the hardest part . dont try & close your self down that does not help ... being open does have a talk with some one you can trust . & then go from there . facing up to your self will help you in so many ways . & thats all it takes .
...noeleena...

[LisaM]

Sarah,

"Who am I?"

You could be any one of the people on this forum. We all have had similar stories and backgrounds. We all reach different conclusions and take different paths but like so many have written---the first thing is to understand that you are a person with gender issues. You need to find someone (therapist) who can help you sort through those gender issues.

But your story sounds like so many that I have already read here that I think you can find a lot of direction here.

[~Emma D~]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts, to be honest I was overwhelmed and cried when I read them earlier today

I know I have issues that I MUST deal with, but now realise I am not alone anymore.

Writing as I did, took a huge weight off my shoulders - I felt so much happier today with a new outlook on the world.

Every day is a new day, and it is up to myself how I go forward, what has passed has passed - I may have negative feelings about my past, but I must also look at the positives and how can I possibly deny the existence of my beautiful children.

I DO KNOW WHO I AM - in reality I have known for so long.

My name is SARAH and I WANT TO BE FEMALE (not so hard to say once said)

One thing for certain SARAH is here to stay and will not be hidden away again.
I have no doubt it will he hard, but it is already hard.

This afternoon I was so happy, I went shopping for make-up. I did not think twice when asked if I need some help. The shop assistant was a bit surprised but really helpful. I walked out the shop with so much lush girly things - cant wait to try everything.

I WILL seek counselling and who knows where it will lead to.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart.


:love::hugs:

[imarocker2]

The following is some of the clearest thinking I have ever seen. Thank you for sharing it with us.


Sarah,
Who am I? That is a question that only you can answer. Only you can truly know "yourself". Since you had this type of "behavior" at a young age and then tried to suppress it for years by keeping it secret I'm afraid you may have created a Pandora's box which ,as you get older, seems to be creaking ever more open. This is because by suppressing you behavior by keeping it secret you have never really faced it. Now it has come back to face you instead. By continuing your behavior in secret you have validated it to an extend that it has become intertwined within your mind as part of who you are. Now your behavior seeks "acceptance" from you. That's why you are feeling conflicted.
At this point in your life you have two clear choices.

One:
You can suppress the behavior again as you have in the past, although it may not be as easy this time around because the behavior has gotten kinda crafty over the years and won't go down without a fight. Which may require outside counseling and possible medication for depression.

Two:
You can accept the behavior, which is what it wants. By doing so you must be willing to accept everything that goes with it. Even if it means losing everything you hold dear. That is the price we have to pay for finding our true self.

These are not easy choices and should not be taken lightly.
Do not decide anything in haste or by yourself. Seek out the support of you loved ones and family if you can.

Ultimately the choice is always yours.

Be safe. Be smart.

Dawn Marrie

[Penelope Marie]

Sarah

I totally understand your feelings as i am also there with you. i hate the fact that i am in this body and as i read these post about those who have gone the full course i can only feel desire and envy too. i know within myself i am female however, my cursed body screams male. God how i hate that ugly appendage and the beard and all that gos with this body that should not be mine. If only i had the means to transition i surly would. i feel as if i am i a prison from which there is no escape and it kills my spirit and crushes my soul. Often i have had that dreadful thought no one should think as an easy out. i want to live but not as a man but as the woman i am with in.

it matters little what any one thinks any more except i do ponder the feelings of my parents. i want my day of emancipation i want my freedom i want the body i should have. often i have gone to bed and hoped and prayed i would wake up with my proper body only to wake with the disappointment and the reality that i am still in this cursed body of a male. i hope to get there some day, i am currently 46 and my time is slipping away. i can't ever recall any lasting joy or happiness in my life and i want to know what it is like to be happy with who i am but i don't think i ever will until i possess the body to match my soul and spirit.

[Marissa Anne]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts, to be honest I was overwhelmed and cried when I read them earlier today

I know I have issues that I MUST deal with, but now realise I am not alone anymore.

Writing as I did, took a huge weight off my shoulders - I felt so much happier today with a new outlook on the world.

Every day is a new day, and it is up to myself how I go forward, what has passed has passed - I may have negative feelings about my past, but I must also look at the positives and how can I possibly deny the existence of my beautiful children.

I DO KNOW WHO I AM - in reality I have known for so long.

My name is SARAH and I WANT TO BE FEMALE (not so hard to say once said)

One thing for certain SARAH is here to stay and will not be hidden away again.
I have no doubt it will he hard, but it is already hard.

This afternoon I was so happy, I went shopping for make-up. I did not think twice when asked if I need some help. The shop assistant was a bit surprised but really helpful. I walked out the shop with so much lush girly things - cant wait to try everything.

I WILL seek counselling and who knows where it will lead to.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart.


:love::hugs:

You're on the right path now, Sarah. There's many of us at exactly the same point. I just called today to get connected with a counsellor myself --- and for my wife.

Good luck!

Marissa Anne

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

You are Sarah, a beautiful woman. Go and talk with a gender therapist who can help you clarify your thoughts. I too was where you were at, but know now who I am. :battingeyelashes: Kim