Xdressing desires resurface & escalate... What happened to me?

[HunkyDory]

Hello all.

I am new to the forum. Just posted a brief intro in the New Member Intros.

I needed a bit of advice for some soul searching and wanted to ask those in the "know" that may have had similar feelings and issues.

So a bit of background to get to my "dilemma"...

47, married in loving relationship. 3 kids under 12. Wife knows of my past xdressing and is accepting of it but doesn't care to participate. I am bi but maintain a monogamous relationship. She would prefer I not stray. Hard to do but I have been faithful so far. I do fantasize about being with another man but typically that man is another Xdresser or TG person. Biggest fear is bringing home an STD. Not the kind of present to give to the wife so the idea of staying safe keeps me well grounded at home.

I have not seriously xdressed for many years. Thought I would leave it behind. Started in early teens with lingerie only. Always loved the feel of the softness against the skin, erotic, sexy, what a turn on. I have always "under" dressed. Only with lingerie, the lacier the better. Never tried to dress as a full woman and go out on the town because I am certainly not passable. I would stand out like a donkey at the Kentucky Derby.

Growing older and being with the same woman for close to 18 years I have put aside my lingerie fetish though on the occasion I may slip on a pair of lace panties under my jeans.

Wife and I have a pretty good sexual relationship though she is a bit inexperienced, I am her only lover. The past 15 years the sex was "okay" but never stellar. it was also not as frequent as it could have been. We have, at times, gone without sex for 1-2 months, mostly because of my personal issues. Earlier this year I was in Las Vegas for a convention for work. While away I really felt homesick and began an email thread with wife about how much I missed her and how much I needed to make love to her. The emails were so hot between us I literally ached and cried because I wanted her so bad. I couldn't wait to get home. Since then the sex has been more frequent and we are touching each other more and opening up.

Have a good paying job but I hate it with a passion. The job front adds a whole different aspect in my life. It has made me depressed and a bit angry. My best friend left the company about 2 years ago for a rival and he moved out of town. We are still good friends and I understand why he needed to leave. Recent issues at work have added to my stress level immensely.

On top of all that I have sleep issues, have a hard time going to bed at night. I ave about 5 hours sleep a night. Last night I got 2 1/2.

I shall end my bio update here and move on...

Well my wife and kids are taking a 2nd vacation without me with her family. Left me home for about 6 days alone. Work prevents me from leaving. A few weeks before she was leaving I got the "urge" to dress up again because I knew I would have the house to myself.

But this was not like before. Not just putting on lingerie but dressing up COMPLETELY. Prior to them leaving I have been shopping feverishly online for clothes, new lingerie, a wig... I don't know what kicked in to make me want to go beyond what I have ever done before. I just got back from the store and I bought a bunch of makeup (foundation, Mascara, Eyebrow and Eyeliner pencil, Eye shadow, lipstick...) Never have I done up my face. I bought a blouse today too. Have a nice looking skirt, sexy new garter, bra, a girdle (yeah well I have a beer gut and I won't make the cover of Glamour Magazine, that's for sure.)

I am really obsessed by this and I can't seem to stop myself. This weekend I will become... Dory. I don't think I'll leave my house for fear of being seen.

What switch just turned in my brain to make me want to go all out? I think "WTF am I doing?" Should I stop? go on? should I even tell my wife after the fact? I may write her a letter about this event... I have written her a few steamy love letters which she loved but this is different. She may not think it is so "wonderful".

If you have been patient to read all this maybe you have that knowledge, wisdom, experience to help me figure this out. Is this normal, abnormal, maybe just a sudden release of pent up sexual frustration? Maybe there is some more info you need from me to help you pen a more informative response. Please ask any questions. I'll try to reply to the thread when I can.


Hunky Dory.

PS. Wife took the digital camera. How am I going to document my transformation? Arg. And do I want people to see Dory? Oh boy that's a bit much to chew...

[sterling12]

Dory, you probably don't realize it.....yet. But, you have written what I would classify as a "textbook" example of The Life of a Transgendered Person. I believe your story is genuine, but if you went and read books about The Subject, you couldn't have done a better description.

Around here we average about 10 similar messages a month. Over and over again, we advise people who swear they are going to give up CD, that it's not going to happen! You can "abstain," put your longings in a box for years, and it still comes back. You have now learned that difficult lesson.

Your not quite fifty, but your on The Cusp for a "return to The Life." We aren't sure why it happens, "middle-age crazy," decreasing male hormone levels, a look at your own mortality and the realization that you might have missed something. Maybe it's one of these, maybe it's all, maybe it none of the above. We don't know, but "The Fifties" often seems to be a time of a "reblossoming."

Some of the other points you made, marriage at times not so great, fantasy's of bi-sexuality, job stress, job unhappiness,: all of that stuff seems to contribute to what your going through.

A couple of suggestions....and they aren't easy to do. Work on accepting yourself. Being transgendered is neither good or bad, it's just whom you are. When you learn to accept, you learn not to feel guilt! If you have one nearby, join a Group. Even with your concerns about your possible bi-sexuality, I think you will find that you can be around other CD's and not feel like you have to have sex with them. Being with others like yourself makes The "transition" to self-acceptance a lot easier. I think you will actually find this to be a comfort, and you will get a better prospective on just what Dory might turn out to be.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Marissa Anne]

Honestly I thought for a second you'd read my own story somewhere and ripped it off, but of course that's not the case. Joanie is right...you're describing a common theme. As I come to grips with many of the same issues you are going through, I do my research and find out that many CD/TG come out in middle age, and it tends to strengthen with time.

I can only offer the following pieces of advice:

1) Be open and honest with your wife. It will pay off many times over for you.
2) If you're in a monogamous relationship, respect that. Your word is your bond, and the only thing that nobody else can take away from you but yourself.
3) Intimacy requires constant maintenance. You have to be creative and adventurous to keep it fresh. But once it's lost, it's hard as you've already found, to get it back. So don't lose it again.
4) What you're experiencing is normal. It's just a different normal. There's no need to feel guilty about who you are, because you are who you are. You can't be someone you're not without making yourself and everyone else unhappy around you.

Revel in the pink fog and let it make you happy --- and everyone else around you happy. If you're not happy and others aren't happy, you're not doing it right!

Welcome, good luck, and enjoy!

Marissa Anne

[Valerie]

AS Marissa Anne says, you could be telling the story of many of us. Read through the forum. This change will not go away and, depending on how you approach it, your life will improve or get worse. A lot depends on you. I would agree that telling your wife is a very good idea. You don't want to live with a secret from her. You may be happily surprised and she may understand and help (or not...) Welcome to the funhouse... For me, this list has helped me to realize I am not alone, that I can accept and even celebrate myself, and that I have a complex gift to live with, to enjoy and suffer (not least of all because a good part of your income will go now to clothes, accessories, cosmetics, and therapy). Keep in touch.

Valerie

[HunkyDory]

Your not quite fifty, but your on The Cusp for a "return to The Life." We aren't sure why it happens, "middle-age crazy," decreasing male hormone levels, a look at your own mortality and the realization that you might have missed something. Maybe it's one of these, maybe it's all, maybe it none of the above. We don't know, but "The Fifties" often seems to be a time of a "reblossoming."

Well whatever happened it came in spades. I am in a bit of emotional turmoil and all the current events surrounding me have pushed my buttons. Rather frightening but exciting at the same time. There is this curiosity to see what Dory (or sometimes I call Joan) looks like.


Work on accepting yourself. Being transgendered is neither good or bad, it's just whom you are. When you learn to accept, you learn not to feel guilt!

I think I have accepted myself, maybe still hesitant on some points but trying to push forward. It took me awhile to open up to my wife about this too. Wasn't sure if she was going to spew fire and her head would twist around when I told her my dark, secret desires or hug me and tell me "WOW, I love that!". She was rather calm about it though I could tell it was not something she thought to be a turn on for her. So one reason I have never really dressed for her, only myself.





If I had to chose a sex to identify with it would be male but I accept the female inside me would want to come out and express itself. A bi-transgender? Hmmm. I may check out some of our local support groups. There is one in our town.


What you're experiencing is normal. It's just a different normal. There's no need to feel guilty about who you are, because you are who you are. You can't be someone you're not without making yourself and everyone else unhappy around you.

It's not that I feel guilty but there is a part of shame and embarrassment that comes when you are partly in denial of your sexuality. I certainly don't want to cause my wife discomfort over my insecurities but alas I have done so in the past. All I can do now is to work with her, maintain good communication and see where it takes us.

Thanks both of you, Joanie and Marissa Anne for your kind comments.

[urmilaaa2008]

Honestly I thought for a second you'd read my own story somewhere and ripped it off, but of course that's not the case. Joanie is right...you're describing a common theme. As I come to grips with many of the same issues you are going through, I do my research and find out that many CD/TG come out in middle age, and it tends to strengthen with time.

I can only offer the following pieces of advice:

1) Be open and honest with your wife. It will pay off many times over for you.
2) If you're in a monogamous relationship, respect that. Your word is your bond, and the only thing that nobody else can take away from you but yourself.
3) Intimacy requires constant maintenance. You have to be creative and adventurous to keep it fresh. But once it's lost, it's hard as you've already found, to get it back. So don't lose it again.
4) What you're experiencing is normal. It's just a different normal. There's no need to feel guilty about who you are, because you are who you are. You can't be someone you're not without making yourself and everyone else unhappy around you.

Revel in the pink fog and let it make you happy --- and everyone else around you happy. If you're not happy and others aren't happy, you're not doing it right!

Welcome, good luck, and enjoy!

Marissa Anne

what Anne is telling apply to most of us. i agree 100% regarding the steps u should take

[Gerard]

To a certain extent it might just be some sort of stress relieve. When I joined this forum a couple of months ago I was at a similar peak.
Since being here and accepting myself, I found that the urge has gone away to dress up as a woman, but that crossdressing now is just an integrated part of my life. There are just small things that I wear on a daily basis now, either by underdressing to work, or sleeping in a nightgown, shaving my legs, etc.

My previous explosion came after a very bad period in my life, when a similar opportunity to be home alone opened up. It has learned me that I am a cross-dresser, and I'm not interested in being a woman. I just like female clothing and body care.

At least that's the place where I am right now.

What I mean to say, it that some people above interpret your story directly as you being TG and wanting to become a woman. I think you need to figure out yourself instead of assuming your on the same path as others. Doesn't mean some of the advice isn't good, or that you could be on the same path. Just don't assume that everyone here is on the same path. The experience you describe is very recognizable to nearly all people here though.

Most of all your current situation sounds like you need to relieve stress and frustration. To know yourself, you need to know where you want to be if the stress was not there.

[DonnaT]

I may write her a letter about this event... I have written her a few steamy love letters which she loved but this is different. She may not think it is so "wonderful".

You're right, she may not. Don't write her such a letter, which would likely ruin her vacation.

When she gets back, sit down with her and explain your feelings.

You may not know why the switch was suddenly thrown, or even that there was such a switch, and thus may not be able to explain what-the-f happened, but you do know it has happened to others and not something only you've just experienced. Something you can talk about with her.

Being transgendered has no set rules.

[WandaRae2009]

You are not alone by any means. For me the desires seem to increase after I crossed 40. I started shopping, buying my own clothes and makeup. I was totally in the closet and a little over a year ago, I got a little sloppy and had to come clean with my wife. We have met with a counselor that was extremely helpful. She is tolerant, but does not participate at all. She has made some demands and I have agreeed to some boundaries. One is; no pictures on the internet. I still hope that someday she will become more accepting.

Since joining this site I am finding out that there are many of us in similar positions. All of the support really helps dealing.

[HunkyDory]

some people above interpret your story directly as you being TG and wanting to become a woman. I think you need to figure out yourself instead of assuming your on the same path as others.

I don't want to change to become a woman permanently but I guess there is a part down inside that wonders what that might be like. Just to be the woman for a day to experience what they go through,

That my current situations are wreaking havoc on my mental state is certainly a cause for deep analysis. So maybe part of my psych needs to take myself out of the role of dominance for a while, as a way of escape. Being a woman allows that feminine side to control me and calm me and remove myself from my male obligations, even for a moment.


I would agree that telling your wife is a very good idea. You don't want to live with a secret from her.


I may write her a letter about this event... but this is different. She may not think it is so "wonderful"

You're right, she may not. Don't write her such a letter, which would likely ruin her vacation. When she gets back, sit down with her and explain your feelings.

Yeah, likely I will have a heart to heart talk with her.

Wow. Certainly found the right place to post my questions. You are all so kind. Thank you.

[Thalia]

Dory: As you've read, your story is classic. And, as it's been said before, you seem to have written my own story. I've been married 15+ years now (2nd marraige) and my history is very similar to yours. About two years ago I felt the urge to explore the feminine side of my personality further and spent alot of money buying clothes. I dressed at home and attended a TG social club. I got support there and was advised to tell my wife about my cding. I did. It did not go well. We had a wonderful life together but she did not want this cross dressing to be a part of our marriage. Sex is almost non existent and she is not enthusiastic any more. She has seen me dressed and pictures of me enfemme and can't get the images out of her head. However, I think if I hadn't shown her, her imagination would have conjured up an even more "bizarre" picture of me in her mind. She no longer thinks of me as "all male" and can't remove the 'ick' factor from sex now. Our marriage, as we have known it, is over. We have 'an arrangement' which I hope will get better in time.....if we stay together. She's been in therapy for six months. I wish I hadn't told her.

[Alice B]

I am without question no expert, but it seems that your new found ability to express sexual desire with your wife has geared up your desire to dress. I would be totally open with your wife about this and try to involve her in your desires, trying to make them hers also. It could open a big door for both of you. Have fun while she is away and try to perfect your look, so you can share it with her. Let us know how it goes and send a picture or two to share with us. It may be a mid life crisis, but one that could be very good.:hugs:

[Christina Horton]

Hay girl. Ok first thing Transgendered..... has nothing to do with sex or sexual orientation. It's about what you identify with, of example. Your Bi does that mean your TG, NO!!! You want to BE a women are you TG NO. If you want to dress as of feel like your fem, but you still like or need to be a guy then YES. Now that's just a down and dirty and not accurate statement but It will work here. Since your BI we know that can have nothing to so with your CDing. It does for some not all. I am hetero , I don't want SRS, I Love to dress as and be treated ass a women, thought of as a women, I feel fem. I am 70% Fem 30% male. You just might have so much stress in your life you need a release , and this is it since you under dress you might think you need to go all the way. The full dress up could be a phase OR and this is important, You might want to go full bore.

There is another side . You wont like it but I will say it, You might not be gay you could be

1) fully gay

2) are a women trapped in a mans body.

My sister born a GG said she was BI after I came out back in 93 she came out in 98. I knew the BI part was a stepping stone for her to except she was fully gay. Now don't get me wrong you may just be a BI crossdresser, But It would not hurt you to have the idea that it could be more.

You seem to love your wife very much and that's great, But if your not happy you need to fine the reason WHY. There could be other reasons why your need is so great and sudden. I just don't know and you may not either. What I have said may resonate with you or not , just don't rule anything out until you figger it out. You may never but it is worth looking for eh.

One last thing you (if) you tell your wife It could end your marriage or stay as it is with more stress, or could be the best thing you ever did. Your the only person whom can tell that. Plus don't steel borrow or sneak any thing for your wife, she will hate you more for the lie then the theft. If she says it's ok then fill your boots, or high heals.LOL.

all ways be honest with her and you. Telling your kids well I think(I have no wife or kids so take this with a grain of slat like everything I have said here) can take this kind of info so much better then the older folks, and some even think it's cool. SO use your own judgment. I would tell your wife when she gets home , remember there is no perfect time to tell any one this sort of thing just do it with love compassion and let her set the pace if she can't talk then let her come to you with question , just make sure she knows that you will answer any question when ever she wants to ask. Ok ,I hope I have been helpful. Good luck . Oh ya if you want pics borrow a camera form a friend , buy your own pic card and take the pics and then down load them to your PC Or but a throw away digital cam and use it . I think they have them.

Good luck.

[sometimes_miss]

Very often stress will exacerbate the desire to crossdress; but if the situation doesn't allow us to indulge our desire, it just festers, and grows. So when the conditions finally allow, sometimes we just go a bit overboard, so to speak.

Then the cycle repeats itself.

It's kind of like being in a twilight zone episode, for life.

[dawnmarrie1961]

Hunky Dory,
No. You are not.
I was going to log off the site for the night when I happened to see you thread.
I'm going to tell you the way I see it. Having read your word which sounded so similar to words I've read and even typed myself.

What you are experiencing is a BEHAVIOR. This type of behavior often has its roots planted firmly in your past. It was created by you for reasons only you would know. This behavior was kept secret for many years so you never had to question it validity. Never was able to substitute a more positive behavior to take its place. What may have started out as a behavior that had a reason for existing now serves only itself. It is a SELFISH behavior that needs to be confronted before it gets a foothold on your life and ruins it. Seek counseling for yourself and your wife immediately so that you may gain the tools and knowledge required to wage the inner struggle that is about to unfold.

Your wife's perceived acceptance ,stress at work and lack of good sleep patterns may be causing this behavior to accelerate.

I know how you feel. Right now you feel the excitement of being able to cross dress while your wife and children are away. But don't. Use the time to seek out counseling. Do it now. Not later.

I don't want you to make the same mistakes I've made. See you life turned upside down. Pushing every one away that you care about in order to save them from harm. Finding yourself standing totally alone in a road side rest area bathroom in the middle of the night with a knife in you hand ready to do the unthinkable and wondering how everything in your life could have gone so totally wrong.

Don't be SELFISH. Be SELFLESS for your wife & children. Ask for HELP.

Be Safe. Be Smart.

Dawn Marrie