i feel...

[erica12b]

If I was gay or wanted to BE a girl I would fit in to socialites “other” groups (stereotypes’) but I am not and I don’t want to cut things off , so I feel i am a outcast, a heterosexual cross dresser. Why is it an oxymoron to be a straight cross dresser?
In most societies for a guy to Dress as a girl it is looked down upon, as a lessening of male (superiority). As a part time cross dresser I don’t feel that way, I put females up above “male-ness”, and I want to emulate them, be accepted by them and loved by one of them (someday), I may at times act like a girl , dress like a girl and hopefully be accepted as a girl (for a short time). For wanting and doing this I am thought of as a pervert, a sexual predator, a deviant. But for my action of dressing I am doing nothing – wrong- (need a better word) it should not be “wrong”. I try to be as proper as I can in my action, dress and overall appearance as I can (even alone) when I dress.

Like most people I have a job and a family, so my cross-dressing, needs to be discreet, I don’t advertize my dressing or even my ideas on it. There are people in my life that I respect too much and they would be devastated by this (shame). so I dress with the shades down, don’t go out and have a very limited social life, for all of the above reasons I suffer from remorse (guilt) panic attacks , and low self-esteem, depression is always flirting with me and a lonely existence is the reality I have come to expect ,

Thru the net I have found others like me, yet I have never really tried to meet or fit into this group, there guys like me yet not the group (girls) I want to fit in with, I find myself even more mixed up and confused with my feelings and thoughts than I did before I was on the net,


I want, a girlfriend, girlfriends (a group to run with) someone I can trust with my secrets, friends that can understand what im going thru, acceptance, and a plan to get my life back to moving forward rather than stalled

Ok I have put my thoughts in to words and I hope others can or will understand them I am still working on understading myself .

[docrobbysherry]

Sounds like you're frustrated that u CAN'T go out dressed! :sad:

On the other hand, u KNOW u CAN! :eek:

But, it sounds like you're afraid to. :doh:

As a closet CD, I GET what you're saying! I've made a conscious decision to REMAIN IN THE CLOSET! For the time being!:heehee:

I have the option to CHANGE that decision any time I choose to! And, so do u!:brolleyes:

[Christina Horton]

Sounds to me you have a prob that not related to your Cding and I "Think" you need to See a shrink or counselling , Because you feelings may not be CD related to I don't know "depression maybe. I am no doctor but if you don't figger this whole thing out your never will be happy. Just my :2c:

[Sarah_new]

Erica, I found myself reading your post thinking, yeah that's me, and that, and that.

However, I would not say my closet CDing is making me depressed, although I do feel that one day I'll have the courage to venture out dressed in full public. My pictures on here are all taken in isolated locations where I was the only person around. I can't answer for you or how you feel, but I find CDing a release from other causes of stress, e.g. job etc.

As for CD = gay. That really annoys me, and its not helped by sites that focus almost excursively on the sexual side of things.

[MissConstrued]

Like most people I have a job and a family, so my cross-dressing, needs to be discreet, I don’t advertize my dressing or even my ideas on it. There are people in my life that I respect too much and they would be devastated by this (shame). so I dress with the shades down, don’t go out and have a very limited social life, for all of the above reasons I suffer from remorse (guilt) panic attacks , and low self-esteem, depression is always flirting with me and a lonely existence is the reality I have come to expect ,


You can either live the life you want, or not. It's still your choice. If you choose to live a life that pleases other people over yourself, then do so graciously; without complaint.

It's like beating your head against the wall, and complaining about the hardness of the bricks instead of exercising the good sense to stop the pounding.

[JamieG]

Erica,

I can understand how you feel. I am a heterosexual crossdresser too, and for a long time I felt like an oxymoron because I didn't fit the public's image of a "drag queen." When I got my own internet connection 15 years ago, I started doing research and learned that I wasn't alone, as I'm sure you must know now from being on this forum. We have many examples of heterosexual crossdressers and of crossdressers with wives or girlfriends. Some of these significant others even approve of our dressing and/or help with it.

I found that the first step for me was gaining some self confidence. A big step for me was wearing going to a Halloween party as a jester (in a unisex costume that involved a tunic and tights, Robin Hood could also work). I was surprised at how well received this was. Most of the girls I met thought it was really cool that I was brave enough to wear that costume and even thought I looked cute in it. Yet, I was practically wearing a minidress with tights! By the way, I met the woman who would become my wife 6 months later.

If possible, you should also find a TG support group near you. I've been going to one for a few years now, and it has helped me to come to terms with who I am and to be proud of myself and of my dressing.

I wish you luck and hope you can find happiness.

[urmilaaa2008]

Sounds like you're frustrated that u CAN'T go out dressed! :sad:

On the other hand, u KNOW u CAN! :eek:

But, it sounds like you're afraid to. :doh:

As a closet CD, I GET what you're saying! I've made a conscious decision to REMAIN IN THE CLOSET! For the time being!:heehee:

I have the option to CHANGE that decision any time I choose to! And, so do u!:brolleyes:

I was taken aback reading ur reaction. It was as if u r reading mind and putting it down in words so clearly

[erica12b]

Everything seems to work against everything else, my dressing isolates me from socializing, when I don’t dress and go and socialize I get depressed I need to dress, finding a understanding gg means sharing my secret so they can understand, but so far in my life trust is not something I have very much of.
I did go to a therapist for my depression after my divorce she thought I was on the right track, (I did not tell her about my dressing) just the rest of my life, now its 4yr later and im back to day one nothing has changed, to scared to go forward to hurt to back, to twisted into retrospect to see what I need to do, and I don’t know what I want to do.

A lot of this is coming from halving to let my son go back to his mom in a week, my time with him is over and we have had fun, but my Erica time can start back up after he leaves, my two worlds just don’t mesh

Some of your thoughts and replies are so true and some miss the mark, banging my head against the wall and complaining about how hard the bricks are, hit home lol I need to find a softer wall lol

[LisaM]

I like the idea of finding a softer wall----your feelings aren't going to change. You need to find a way to live with them; to find some peace.

I find having an outlet for dressing helps; seeing a therapist helps; having my SO know about me helps.

I would suggest dressing occassionally andfinding a therapist. If and when you find another relationship then try opening up to her. It may not be what she wants so you have to be prepared for rejection.

But in the end you need the softer wall---this does not go away.

[suchacutie]

By "US" I mean those who enjoy both of our genders. I have no intention of losing my male self. I am specifically heterosexual...i.e. my wife is the focus of my sexuality. Tina is my feminine self. Her goal is to find out who she is. At the moment there is nothing feminine that she doesn't want to explore, EXCEPT the fact that her male self is monogamous, and heterosexual. He takes care of that issue.

Tina really is not at all wild about guys, to be honest. We're not totally surprised by that. There is something to be said for the fact that Tina spends all this work towards being feminine and prefers the company of feminine beings. She's quite clear about that!

So, welcome to the club. We are heterosexual and we live in both genders. For the two of us that makes up the sum total of "me", the best thing in the world would be the the ability to slip from one specific gender to another at whim, without a long time delay and without having to think about it.

Do we need to go out in public? That's clearly a personal choice, but there certainly is no pressure. I don't know how we'll feel about it when Tina is so confident in herself that she clearly can pass with comfort, but what's the rush? Exploring femininity is the goal, and that is not something a genetic life-long male can learn in a few hours. We'll get there :)

Tina et. al.

[Gerard]

This story could be me.

I have found that coming to this site and sharing the story is the first step in figuring out how you want to continue. It has lessened my fear of being discovered and I now see myself, instead of having a "male" and a "female" self that both didn't feel right.

I don't know where I will go from here. I do have found that by accepting myself, I have more confidence.

[Granny Gray]

Much of a "gender gifted" person's problems arise from socially dictated stereotypes we fully realize don't fit. Once we delve into our own mind and shred these stereotypes into the component parts of their origins, we can begin slowly to counteract their effects on our feelings and thinking. Once we get them all under control and make the choice to be in command of our lives and not allow other people to have control over us with their socially defined stereotypes, we can achieve a modicum of content by working out the details of our own lives for ourselves and find happiness is accepting responsibility for the decision we make in regard to the expectations other have and how much attention we decide/choose to pay to what other people think. J

[Jaclyn NM]

Don't feel that you're alone, because you're not. I too have to keep my crossdressing very discreet, because in all other aspects, I'm a totally heterosexual male. I just love wearing female clothing, and society doesn't understand nor accept that concept. But don't worry about it, because there are many of us, and don't feel guilty, because there is nothing wrong with it. As I've grown older, the guilt has disappeared, and I'm sure it will for you too.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Erica-

<hug> Listen, girl, you are far from alone lots us have dealt or are dealing with the same issues. For one thing, about the TG/CD/gay thing, there are many, many heterosexual tgirls who only want to be with genetic girls, no matter how they're expressing their gender at the time, so sometimes it's boy-on-girl, sometimes "girl"-on-girl. (Too graphic?) Orientation, who makes you go sploosh, is all over the place with tgirls, but just putting on a dress doesn't make you want to be with a guy. That's internalizing other people's (muggles as MC would say) attitudes about being TG.

As far as what MC said about living your life according to how other people think you should live it, I was even worse. For so many years, most of my life, in fact, I lived my life not just according to how other people thought I should live it, but how I thought they thought I should live it. So that made it all totally in my own head. Kind of sad in a way. Turns out most people don't give a flying eff about how I live my life at all.

Life's too short to agonize over things like this, nothing about being TG or CD or gay or whatever is illegal, immoral, wrong or bad. Unless putting on a dress makes you want to toss your 9mm and a few boxes of ammo into a duffle bag and head to the mall. Then you need help for sure. Crap. I hope I didn't put any ideas in your head.<g>

Good luck, Erica. You are so not alone, girl.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[Wen4cd]

Stop being a big worry wart! ;) lol These folks are right.

Here are a few tips I can add from my arsenal of 'stuff that works for me'

a. Small words are important: the idea of 'dress like a girl" is not nearly as good for me as 'dress like THE girl." It's more real and perosnal then. Try it out.

b. Practice addressing yourself in the third person, as if there were a girl living in your head with you, who is referring to your boy side from the POV of an observer. You can do this in thought or on paper.


c. Don't um... ( and this will get me slapped-up on this forum for sure, lol ) "practice to deceive." By this I mean don't try to get 'acceptance as a girl' as you say, from anyone who isn't aware that you are also a boy, at least at this stage in your progress.

Deception, lying, will only further erode your already weak self-esteem. Believe me, there is plenty of the acceptance your girlie side needs to be found without lying, especially online. Look at this place, what is going on here.

Not to offend anyone's TG dogma, but at least in this stage, this is all relative to what you believe. You feel you are a hetero boy who crosdresses, so therefore you are.

Hey, so am I. If we want acceptance "as a girl," it's going to have to come from people who understand where we are coming from to mean anything.

As a hetero boy who crossdresses, you do have 'a girl side,' a personality sphere which is sitting right on top of the archetype, which can express feeling and even thoughts 'as that girl' inside you, and once you can personally accept the reality of her existence, you can express her to others (who know about you both) without feeling the least bit awkward. I find it a wonderful feeling of peace and a sense of 'wholeness' I have never felt before. Sometimes it feels like everything I ever needed out of crossdressing.

But.... you cannot yourself be 'accepted as a girl,' not without lying, if you get me, because you believe you are not. You cannot lie to yourself and then try to get others to validate it. Trying to do this would eat away at me and eventually tear me to pieces, because it's rooted in deception, in my case anyway.

[Bev06 GG]

You can Erica,
What your in is a self imposed prison. Start to think differently, change your mind set, anything is possible.
take care
bev

[MissConstrued]

b. Practice addressing yourself in the third person, as if there were a girl living in your head with you, who is referring to your boy side from the POV of an observer. You can do this in thought or on paper.



Sure, if you want the nice young men in their clean white coats to come take you away, ha-ha, hee-hee.

The bizarreness reaches new heights around here by the day.

[Wen4cd]

Sure, if you want the nice young men in their clean white coats to come take you away, ha-ha, hee-hee.

The bizarreness reaches new heights around here by the day.

You MissConstrued me. ;)

I'm talking about something along the lines of this. (http://www.alternativedepressiontherapy.com/therapeutic-journaling.html)

I don't find it bizarre at all. I find it invaluable.

[Ellen Ross]

...I now see myself, instead of having a "male" and a "female" self that both didn't feel right.

I don't know where I will go from here. I do have found that by accepting myself, I have more confidence.

I think I have come to the point where I am me, part male and part female, and the female clothes are not as important. Now don't get me wrong - I want to dress nearly every moment of every day. But the girl in me is out now nearly all the time, even if the clothes I wear are all male. I walk like a girl, sit like a girl, keep my eye brows plucked (in a constant battle with hair in general), keep up on skin care, shop for girl clothes, etc. This has almost eliminated my depression that at first I didn't realize I had, and my daily attitude is much better. I have more confidence at home and at work. I am a happier person. Now I do once in a while get to dress as a girl, and I take that "gender gifted" (nice phrase Granny Grey) side of me as far as I can by going out and interacting with the world as Ellen - who is all girl. But understanding that I am gender gifted, having the ability to not just be one or the other but realizing I am both, has given me a peace and happiness that I feel very fortunate to have.

Hang in there Erica. The two worlds may not mesh, but for me they melded together and became a wide range of gender for me to exist and live. And I like it allot!

Ellen

[erica12b]

some understand and some have progresed thru this point ,i do think of myself as both male and female two side too a whole me, but my orintaion of strait and dressing dont mix well (ill where that short dress and pick up the girl lol) then there is the way my fem side thinks that makes my male side stand out when in male mode, at work im very carful not to say or do girly things in male mode , when i did work with gg's i had to watch my mouth so much more my flipent remarks where very noligable in girl ways (i even told a gg she needed a certen bra for her dress for her date) she took my advice but stillgives me strange looks at times when i see her

i have tryed to get the gurls her the gg's to get a network of uderstanding gg to talk to the cd guys , but closet means hiden and outed means exploring the world they dont go together ,

everypart of being a closet cd is counter productive to socelization.

[Veronica Nowakowski]

Let me lay this out: Most crossdressers are straight (I'd be interested to see if we match the general population, but this is what MOST are). Hell, if I were gay, I'd jump right on that - I've been hit on by more men than women in my life, in drab. I've let myself put down all psychological walls and honestly ask myself if I were gay - I have absolutely no attraction to men. Don't let society tell you that you're supposed to be gay. You are what you are, and that's a lot of what the LGBTQI community tries to put out.

[MissConstrued]

You MissConstrued me. ;)

I'm talking about something along the lines of this. (http://www.alternativedepressiontherapy.com/therapeutic-journaling.html)



Easy to do -- you didn't specify.

It still sounds nutty, but then, if you're nuts, I can see how it might help. :)

[Wen4cd]

I might suggest you re-examine some of your terms.

When you speak of being "knowledgable about girl ways," for instance, you are associating this with your "femine side," and you are confusing that it has something to do with being able to discuss things like 'beauty tips' with women, bras and dresses, etc... When it's a different issue. That's a stereotype. Your real feminine side has nothing to do with clothing whatsoever.

It's the "crossdressing guy" in you who knows about fashion and beauty tips, it's actually your 'male' side - if you will - not your feminine side.

You'll get strange looks for sure.

When you are really using your true 'femine' nature to communicate with people, you will be talking about feelings, not clothing. Feeling, and connection with empathy and emotion are your natural femine traits, not knowledge of bras, which are just that: knowledge.

Sharing knowledge is a masculine trait, sharing feeling is the feminine trait.

I think you'll find that it's altogether less awkward to deal with this way, will lead to more closeness with girls and boys both, and actually makes you feel good inside instead of frustrated.

Try it with simple things at first, like small talk. Practice stating feelings instead of observations.

Example:
If a girl you want to be friends with says 'hot day, huh?" Don't say 'yup, nice floral dress, by the way."

Instead say "God, I know! I feel like jumping in a pool, " or whatever you feel about the hot day. That's talking with your feminine side, and you won't get any strange looks or feel socially closeted. You'll just make friends and better relationships with everyone.



Easy to do -- you didn't specify.

It still sounds nutty, but then, if you're nuts, I can see how it might help. :)

Sometimes I wonder if I am not nutty. No, I'm pretty darn sure I am.

[erica12b]

hell if i could shut out my feeling then i could be just a guy
i empithize with too many and feel to much. whats it this thread about " i feel" if i did not feel for my friend i would not have given her the info about the right bra. she is only 19 and the old lady in me just had to help, and through in my two cents

i just wish (likemost single guys here) i had one gg to share all the feelings with....... ok im not going to cry any more tonight, close hart and hiding key

[Penelope Marie]

You MissConstrued me. ;)

I'm talking about something along the lines of this. (http://www.alternativedepressiontherapy.com/therapeutic-journaling.html)

I don't find it bizarre at all. I find it invaluable.

I'm with you. i journal most every night and indeed it does help me to know myself better. i highly recommend it for any one. weather nuts or not!:2c:

[Joni Marie Cruz]

My feeling is whatever works for you, whether it's a journal or a magic feather or a pair of lucky panties. Whatever gets you through as long as it isn't harmful like cutting off chunks of your hair or making dozens of tiny little cuts on your forearms with a razor blade. We're all different, especially around here.

Hugs...Joni Mari



I'm with you. i journal most every night and indeed it does help me to know myself better. i highly recommend it for any one. weather nuts or not!:2c:

[Wen4cd]

I thought maybe your "i feel" being followed be the "..." means maybe you feel, but don't always necessarily know what or why.

What I am feeling from you is confusion, worry, fear, frustration, and lonliness. Mostly lonliness. So when you say "i feel..." this is what I get. If that's all you are feeling, you need to find something to relieve that. Start with lonliness.

Wishing never works.

If it's a partner you need, you need to actively seek one out, and not be passive about it, or expect her to drop into your lap. Go ask that 19 year old of she's got any friends your age looking to date. Go to where others are looking to date and find partners. There's a lot of people out there, and you've got the internet. I'm sure there's someone who fits you out there, probably a lot of them, but you have to search them out.

I am sorry you're having a rough time. I hope I am not making it worse.

[Stephanie Heplby]

Remember, there is a subtle and important difference between accepting yourself as a crossdresser (including allowing yourself to go out in any clothes that you put your hands on in the morning) and beating people on the head with the fact that you are a crossdresser (including wearing a stunning off-the-shoulder number to an office party where they clearly expect you to appear as John Doe in a suit).

The goal (while clearly difficult) is to be comfortable enough to dress in a manner appropriate to 'the situation' (whatever that means), rather than saying "hey buddy, I'm a crossdresser and you have to like it, so f*#@ you!".

As most people on here say, you get a lot of acceptance and/or ambivalence from the former and more anger and irritation from the latter.

My current thinking on this matter is that I am pulling away from the closet in that my friends and neighbors will likely figure this out (as I begin leaving the house more frequently in a skirt). And I am intellectually ok with this, since it is not their life.

(Naturally, my emotional side needs some catching up.)

[erica12b]

wen4cd your not making it worse, and i have tryed every thing im on 12diffant dating sites and have asked the 19 yr old if any of her friends have a mom that is single all i get is no (execpt from the 19yr old she keeps trying to get me alone) this helps my ego but i will never go there,

i like these deep talks they help me sort out my feelings, they dont realy do anything in the real world but in the end i get a better grip on my thoughts and a better understanding of myself and just what is going thru my head and where i need to go

[erica12b]

some very smart girls once told me all we need is balance in every thing we do , so i try

[Cheshire Gummi]

Some very dumb girls once told me the same thing.

It's a platitude.

Just do your thing. That may be pretty common to hear as well, but it's better than some pseudo-karmic hoodoo, baby.

[Wen4cd]

Balance is good for walking all sexy-like. ;)

12 dating sites? Wow. I think that with 12 dating sites, you would have to meet at least 12 people, unless they are just "hook-up-for-sex" sites.

Lonliness is fine for some poeple, not me. I can't go for long with it anymore like I could when I was younger. I've gone 180° on it, just within the last couple years. Don't give up. Maybe try for a wider circle of friends, and a fresh social scene. Hobby clubs, churches, anywhere you find people trying to have fun and interact. The more people you meet, the better your chances. Meet as many as possible.

[docrobbysherry]

but closet means hiden and outed means exploring the world they dont go together ,
everypart of being a closet cd is counter productive to socelization.

THIS may be the inevitable result of living our "secret lives"! And, for me, it is my BIGGEST regret about CDing.:doh:

If I was out socialising in my "real" world, I mite run into a compatible GG. Which, at MY age, would be WAY MORE helpful to me, than Sherry will be in a few years!:sad:

Instead, I spend MOST of my time in the closet with Sherry. And MOST of my socialising is done online, with those who know/share my secret! Many who also live in their own "unreal" worlds!

The ONLY alternative for me is; to dress and go out & socialise only with other CDs, and/or at clubs that r GLCD friendly. Which for a closet CD, is STILL simply a journey into an "unreal" world!

And until we r ready to either leave our closets, or our CDing, I guess that is the way it must be!

Like u, Erica, I wish I knew a safe way out of our boxes/closets!:brolleyes:

[erica12b]

i work retail and every day i meet and talk to new people , but its a job and i half to put on my "work face" to do it , here in g,j, there are no cd groups there are not a lot of social events, im not in to the bar scene , this all sounds like excuses and they are but its true so i keep trying and i have good months and bad months all i can do it try and make things work the best i can,

im frustrated with being counter productive, and there is no real goal

[erica12b]

i too wish there was a safe way to step out of the closet , with out , outing my self fully

[Kara Connor]

Erica, if you want to have a relationship with a GG then maybe you should dwell less in a negative way on your CD feelings, and use your "inside knowledge" and more empathetic nature to talk to GGs. I'm sure that someone will love the fact that you can listen and empathize. However, try not to have your CD issues too out front. People rarely want someone who is too intense about any issue at the start of a relationship. It can send red flags that someone might be carrying a lot of bagage. Instead, talk, go places and have fun. If you have an attraction too, and form a friendship with a woman, you will get a feel over time as to whether this is someon who you might be able to share your deeper secrets with.

[HunkyDory]

Erica,

I am new to this forum and sort of hitting a similar brick wall in my life. I read your post and there are close similarities in our lives dealing with all those emotions.


JamieG wrote: If possible, you should also find a TG support group near you.

You too may need to seek a bit of counseling, especially for the depression and anxiety.

I know the area where you live and understand about your limited or non-existent resources for yourself. Have you looked towards the city of Denver? There is a support group that way and may be able to help you in ways this forum can't.

Here is the link: http://www.rmtsk.org/

At least start there. If you are able to travel that way you may find some events or meetings that you might participate in and get a better sense of belonging and acceptance. And they may be able to help find a counselor in your area sensitive to your issues.

it is a confusing world, enough to confuse you and me both. But don't give up. It may be that you need to accept who you are and be comfortable with yourself first and then try to look towards the positive. That's what I am trying tell myself. It will not be a quickly traveled path but at least it is going forward and not backward.

And Kara is right. As a rule that I've experienced all people are attracted to positive thinkers. Good advice for me too.

HD

[erica12b]

thank you all for the advice and understanding, I have a lot to think about and a long way to go .