An alternate route

[Lauren Richards]

I have been a crossdresser in one form or another most of my life (started early in childhood, came out to a supportive SO several years ago), and have decided recently to take a break. This was brought on by a couple of things, including reading postings here and some self examination.

I noticed what appeared to be some very selfish behavior and dishonestly among my fellow crossdressers, and wondered how much of that reflected my own behavior. It bothered me. I wondered about the time spent alone, getting dressed, becoming someone else, and how that time could have been spent otherwise, with others, helping others, or enhancing relationships. It bothered me. I considered the time I have left, which is finite, and how I want to spend it.

I have been open with my former SO about crossdressing, and she was very supportive. I called it off, and are still good friends, which is rare. Our parting had nothing to do with crossdressing - I tell myself that, but somewhere in the back of my mind I wonder if I had spent some of the en femme time focused on us rather than me...well, I just wonder.

Recently there was a comment that we are like alcoholics. I thought about that, and thought about the behaviors typical of individuals caught in addictive cycles, not just alcohol, but gambling, drugs, power, etc. Thought about it a lot, and found there were lots of common characteristics. It bothered me.

I have enjoyed crossdressing, and would never ask anyone else to give it up. It has brought me peace and joy, and will always be a part of who I am. I have used it as a coping mechanism during times of stress, and have felt great freedom while traveling en femme over great distances. Being en femme has allowed me to explore and embrace a side of me which I find to be an essential part of my being. When you pour water from two cups into a bowl, they can never be separated again. I like the blend. It feels right.

However, at this time my femme clothing, shoes, makeup, and supporting materials are packed away. Not purged, just packed. I intend to leave them that way, and see how the next year plays out for me without the physical aspects of Lauren in the picture. Looking forward to seeing how it works out, just as I look forward to exploring different routes when I travel. You never know what beauty you may be missing if you stay on the well-traveled path, so please wish me luck as I take an alternate route.

Stay safe, stay well. Be happy.

Lauren

[Miranda09]

Good luck on your journey Lauren. I think what you're doing is an excellent way to understand this aspect of your personality that's uniquely you. In a way, I'm doing the same thing, tho this aspect of my journey is still developing. I wish you well and hope you'll stop by from time to time and let us know how you're doing.:hugs:

[dawnmarrie1961]

Lauren,
Kudos to you for figuring out the obvious. Yes it is a "behavior."
Created by you for of its emotionally soothing qualities. There is no problem with using it for that purpose if need be. The world is full of stress. Until you can find something equally as emotionally soothing use what you've got.Danger only happens if it is allowed, by you, to get out of control. To be come all consuming! Then the behavior becomes "you".

I know I may come out of the gate a little strong sometimes. This is only because I honestly care about the people I'm talking to. I've seen too many lives ruined or ended because a behavior got way out of control.

Please forgive me if it was any of my words that caused you to question yourself and your methods.

Be safe. Be smart.

Dawn Marrie

[Elsa Larson]

A wonderful and thought provoking post, Lauren !!!

I agree that much of crossdressing IS selfish. Our crossdressing behavior either removes us from other relationships or demands tolerance from those around us. Comparing it with addictive cycles seems a bit harsh. I would compare it to being an over-enthusiastic sports or music fan.

As I look back, I realize many of my ups and downs fit neatly onto long cycles. I don't think it's bipolar disorder because the peaks and valleys do not seem extreme.

I see similar cycles for my crossdressing. Sometimes thinking I am transsexual. Sometimes being out about it, other times being closeted. Needing to dress daily, then going for years without crossdressing. Even when not in a dressing phase, I always think about it.

I now label myself as Bi-Gendered. I can easily tip that balance. If I have short hair, full beard, bushy brows, short nails and body hair, then I see a guy in the mirror and usually act accordingly.

But if I see long hair, smooth face, shaped brows, shapely nails, pedicure and body hair shaved/trimmed to female specs, I feel very natural and comfy being as completely female as I can.

Packing Lauren's things away will let you get back to being YOU.
Enjoy yourself !!!

[Lauren Richards]

Miranda, Dawn Marrie & Elsa, thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

Miranda, looking forward to see how your journey developes.Yes, although my femme clothing will be packed away, I will be stopping by the site from time to time to see how folks are doing, and enjoy the thoughtful and caring comments members like you provide.

Dawn Marrie, not to worry about telling the truth as you see it. It is a gift you give others when you share your thoughts. Reading what others have experienced and are thinking has been a great help and comfort to me, and hopefully some of my input has been helpful, and perhaps also brought a smile to someone along the way.

Elsa, I think you have a good perspective on many aspects of who we are, one composed of many. I think understanding and being comfortable with all parts of who we are is a wonderful place to be.

Lauren

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Dear Lauren-

As another tgirl from the PNW, I truly wish you the best on your journey of self discovery and coming to terms with who you really are. Perhaps you will find that being TG is an essential part of you are and will find a way to integrate it in to your life so that it doesn't interfere with the other things that matter to you such as helping others, being with family, being part of a community. You did compare it to other behaviors such as alcoholism or drug addiction, perhaps these aren't apt comparisons, at least to my thinking, since they are self-destructive and harmful to the individual as well as society in general. Honestly, I don't see being TG, dressing as you feel yourself to be or how you wish yourself to be, as harmful or destructive.

However, like any "addiction" or hobby or pursuit, if it takes time away from other things you want to do, then yes, perhaps it's time to step back and look at it and decide if it's something you want to give up. My guess is you won't want to, not in the long run. You seem a very intelligent and honest person, being Lauren is a part of who you are, just as Joni Mari is a part of myself. I could no more give up being TG than I could cut off my hand voluntarily.

Lauren, I so wish you the best. May the Goddess always smile on you and keep you safe.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[TGMarla]

I'm way on board with how you feel. My own thoughts from day to day fluxuate between really wanting to dress, and not bothering so that I can get other things accomplished. On the whole, except for the personal and mental enhancement I feel from allowing the feminine within me to develop, I find that at times it is a rather shallow and hollow pursuit that has little tangible benefit to me.

However, like the alcoholic you mentioned, I still find that I cannot help myself much of the time, and out come the dresses and high heels. But I completely understand how you feel and where you're coming from.

(I know....blasphemy!)

[Thalia]

Lauren: I also wish you the best. After coming out to my wife seven months ago we've been travelling a rocky road. I've packed away my clothes and haven't dressed en femme since. Ironically, the tsunami I caused in my marriage was a wake up call and, although I don't know what the future holds, I haven't had the slightest inclination to dress since coming out to her. My cross dressing did encroach on some areas of my marriage (which I did not realize until I stopped cross dressing) and now we're working on making those areas of our relationship better. I wish you lthe best in your journey. It's been an eye opener for me so far.

Thalia

[PetiteDuality]

Lauren,

I'm a bit sad after reading your post. Not because you are taking a break from crossdressing, but because I totally agree with your thoughts about crossdressing but still don't have the will to take a decision as yours.

The time I spend crossdressing (or just thinking about it), steals to much time, energy and passion from other aspects that are much more important (like family, work, spiritual life)

Good luck with your new journey.

[Teri Jean]

Lauren, my heart goes out to you and hope you do well. If you decide to come back we will be here to say welcome back but if you do not know that we wish you the best.

Huggs Teri

[SherriePall]

Since I don't have a supportive wife (she is tolerant and allows me time), I am able to say that I don't allow this thing called CDing to overwhelm me and monopolize time I could use to do other things.
When I do dress, I try to do things which need to be done (like paying bills and balancing my checkbook among other things). That way I kind of get the best of both worlds and I feel much better about having to do those things.
However, I can see if my wife were supportive, I would probably end up concentrating too much on my CDing.
So, how does one balance everything? Or can both be balanced?
I wish you the best during your timeout and do hope you stop by once in a while to let us know how things are going.
Take care.

[Frédérique]

I hope you come back soon, Lauren! Some humble comments about your lovely, thought-provoking post…


Recently there was a comment that we are like alcoholics. I thought about that, and thought about the behaviors typical of individuals caught in addictive cycles, not just alcohol, but gambling, drugs, power, etc.

Perhaps ours is a good addiction? You can avoid the other addictive cycles by using crossdressing like a protective force field. Regarding behavior, I would substitute “centered” for “selfish,” a by-product of the internal marriage between our dyadic natures, but few people see it that way.


I have enjoyed crossdressing, and would never ask anyone else to give it up.

I’m glad someone finally said this, but the word “have” makes it a sad pronouncement.


You never know what beauty you may be missing if you stay on the well-traveled path, so please wish me luck as I take an alternate route.

I wish you luck, Lauren. Ironically, the beauty on our hidden, less well-traveled path keeps me coming back for further exploration.



I think understanding and being comfortable with all parts of who we are is a wonderful place to be.

A beautiful sentence. Be happy, Lauren... :hugs:

[Fab Karen]

If a GG had the desire to wear make-up, nice shoes & pretty clothes, would you compare it to alcoholism? Unhappiness comes from denying who/what we are. The lying/truly selfish ones are a minority of the whole.
Explore your life & do what feels right for you, we just suspect like many, you'll be back.

[sheidelmeidel]

Lauren, I agree with you entirely (in principle). For those of us who do feel the way you do and want to make a permanent change, there should be CDA group, like AA. That is the only way to ensure that you don't slide back because for most of us after a while old habits tend to come back. Otherwise, just take it as it comes because if you pull to an extreme you will eventually snap back to the other extreme. If you have a time in life where there are other priorities and this hobby is destructive, go on a leave of absence like you are doing. I think it's good you didn't purge, purging does nothing except waste money. Pack your stuff away in a difficult to reach place, or in storage somewhere away from home.

Someone said that CDing is no different than a GG who likes to get dressed up. If you've ever been with a GG you know that's not true. For a GG it is just regular routine - just like you shave and put on a suit, she does her hair and makeup and picks out a nice dress - it's usually not a big production.

[sissystephanie]

Lauren, I totally stopped crossdressing, for a number of different reasons. many years ago. My dear wife did not cause the stop, since she was totally supportive from the day we became engaged! In fact, she was the one who got me back into crossdressing!! After a 5 year period, she told me that she really missed Stephanie, whom she considered to be her best girl friend, and wanted me to start dressing again.

Like you, I had not purged, just stored! The respite did give me time to do a lot study, some of it studying myself and some just stdying crossdressing in general. I believe that I really learned a lot about myself, as well as a lot about other people. Some of that has been expressed on this forum. Granted, with over 60 years of CD experience behind me, I can probably safely say that I have been a CD longer than most of the people on this forum have been living!

The crux of all this blarney is that you will probably be a better man(lady?) after your time off. The chances are very good that you will be back, but as a more enlightened person!! My personal best to you, and yours!!:hugs::hugs:

BTW, I grew up in Portland, Oregon and lived in Seattle 15 years before moving to Georgia in 1983. Still love the Northwest and willl probably move back in a few years.

[Ras]

we all go through phases of dressing in our life. While I have never "purged" any clothes my dressing frequency has changed (more) over the years.

yes we may be a bit selfish with our dressing but if we don't have an active participant...we have to be.

[Ralph]

If a GG had the desire to wear make-up, nice shoes & pretty clothes, would you compare it to alcoholism?

Karen, it's not the simple act of wearing that stuff that makes it dangerous, it's the lifestyle of devoting so much of your time and resources to satisfying that desire. If a GG said "Sure, I can give up the make-up, nice shoes and pretty clothes but without them I might as well kill myself", or need therapy, or resort to drugs to stave off the depression... yes, I would absolutely compare it to alcoholism. If a GG complained about being so distracted by the desire to put on those things that it was all she could think about - thus affecting her concentration on the job, or her ability to socialize with others or make time for her family - yes, that's an addiction that should be treated.

But, oddly, you rarely hear GGs talk about the desperate need the way we do, like our very lives depend on it.

See the difference now?

[LisaM]

Lauren, good luck on your journey. Your post was very thought-provoking and I have done the same thing as you are doing earlier in my life. I didn't purge but slowly over a 10 year period I threw most of my things away.

But the desire and feelings came back and now I try to let Lisa be a part of my life without overwhelming it.

Best Wishes!:)

[Veronica Nowakowski]

It's not really selfishness, it's focusing on the self. it's something that most of us need, and we have a right to fulfill those needs. I recently realized I was growing apart from a good friend because I started going out on weekends to a place he will not go to so I can crossdress in public and let that side of myself out. The solution, I'm going to tell him what's going on so it isn't a strain on our relationship. Of course, he can be an ass and I haven't been able to do this the past couple days when I planned on doing so, he bailed on me. But, there's no reason you and your SO could not work on your relationship while you were crossdressed, particularly if she was supportive. Slight changes in your behavior would be a lot healthier than trying to hide it altogether. You'll only be repressing.

Perhaps dealing with a psychologist in how to handle these situations more effectively will be a good idea.

But, you'll take the path you want to take in the end, all I can offer is my advice.

[DonnaT]

Best of luck Lauren.

[jennifer easton]

Whoa! Lauren, your alternate path has hit on something in me, and has me looking over my shoulder, examining my life, spooky!---------------------_____-------Naa, I'm good with me, good luck girl with your new path hope it leads you to your inter self, and what you seek. Jennifer

[Wen4cd]

I believe there comes a point in the process of integration, where dressing takes on a different role, and is almost not as immediate a need, or not in the same way. Packing but not purging is a good symbol for it.

I think it means that your heart knows more what it is, and does not need as constant of a physical a representation to stay vital.

[LeslieSD]

There are a lot of things in life. The hard part is to find the balancing point.

Although I agree that I see many self-centered crossdresser, I don't quite agree with you that crossdressing is the cause. It is just that these people are self-centered people in their own nature. If they happened to be into motorcycles, they will be self-centered bikers.

Take care.

[AllieSummers]

I wish you luck with whatever you decide to pursue.

I think that a lot of us might appear to be self-centered because we are really working hard at becoming the women we all would like to be. It is different for all of us. We are starting from different places and hoping to end up at different places.

We are on a "crossdressers" website so almost everything talked about on here will be related to our "crossdressing" activities not the other things we do with our life.

I for one do have a life outside of what I post on this site. I have a career, a family, friends, hobbies and interests (other than crossdressing) and I am actively involved in my community (I've served on the City Council and various government related boards and commissions for over a decade).

If what you have experienced here has made you think about you particular situation and you have come to the conclusion that you have been too selfish then you are probably right.

We all have to analyze where we stand and what we do and how often we do it.

I think the key here is balance. We have to constantly balance everything in our lives and make sure we aren't going too far in any one direction. The difference between an alcoholic and the average person that drinks socially is "balance". They have lost the balance in their lives and drinking is too much of their focus. Anything you do to excess is probably a bad thing. If your crossdressing is taking over your life and you have become a "dress-aholic" then maybe you need to at least slow down if not quit.

For me at least, this isn't something that I can quit and I don't want or need to quit. I have found a way to balance it with everything else in my life.

Kisses,

Allie

[Alice B]

You have presented a well thought out and beautifully written decision. I wish you all the best in your new exploration of who you are.:hugs:

[geri-tg.]

Good luck and I hope you enjoy every day no matter where it takes you. I will be waiting to hear from you. You are very brave.:)

[Kristen-Gaye]

I guess we all need to step away from things in our lives from time to time & get some perspective. I wish you all the best on your journey.
K.

[michelle_tx]

Good luck Lauren. I suppose we all need a break from anything from time to time. I hope you find the peace you're looking for.
I will however raise this point. You mention wondering if your time spent crossdressing couldn't have been better used helping people or working on relationships. That could be said about almost any activity one does - watching tv, reading a book, going to a movie, attending a sporting event and so on and so forth. So I don't think it's quite fair to single out crossdressing, any fun activity that consumes your time could do the same. That's something every human being has to deal with. Balance and time management is the key.

[Fab Karen]

Karen, it's not the simple act of wearing that stuff that makes it dangerous, it's the lifestyle of devoting so much of your time and resources to satisfying that desire. If a GG said "Sure, I can give up the make-up, nice shoes and pretty clothes but without them I might as well kill myself", or need therapy, or resort to drugs to stave off the depression... yes, I would absolutely compare it to alcoholism. If a GG complained about being so distracted by the desire to put on those things that it was all she could think about - thus affecting her concentration on the job, or her ability to socialize with others or make time for her family - yes, that's an addiction that should be treated.

But, oddly, you rarely hear GGs talk about the desperate need the way we do, like our very lives depend on it.

See the difference now?
Are you an alcoholic? I am, and physical addiction to a drug is different.
"If a GG complained about being so distracted by the desire to put on those things that it was all she could think about - thus affecting her concentration on the job, or her ability to socialize with others or make time for her family - yes, that's an addiction that should be treated."
A minority of CD's are like that. And their issue isn't crossdressing, it's an issue of clinical obsession with something ( OR they may be repressing their transsexuality ).