Help......

[KateConnors]

Greetings ladies,

I'm really in deep quandary about my predicament at the moment.

Some background about me: 30 year old TS who has not transitioned. I started to pursue the transition path when I was 21, took hormones for a few months, but backed off, mainly because of my urge to have genetic off spring. Since then I've got married (been with her for 7 years), and we recently found out that she's pregnant. This is great news, we are both very happy, however, I am finding more than ever before I am having to fight the urge to transition. The pregnancy thing seemed to trigger my tranxiety (transsexual anxiety) like an explosion in my head.

My wife fully knows about all my issues (told her a few weeks after we got engaged), and is very supportive (but of course doesn't want me to pursue transition). I suspect that this would be the end of our marriage if I did this. I've never definitively asked her about this, as I don't want to freak her out. When I mentioned to her that I wanted get laser hair removal she got very upset, and said something that really cut into me....that I would be getting rid of her (male name) and replacing him with someone else.

My wife is the love of my life, and when I hurt her from revealing some of my inner workings, it really hurts me to see her upset. She knows I've been really down lately (she refers to me as being tranny-ied out). When she got home yesterday she just wanted to hug me as she knows I'm depressed.

I am seeing a therapist soon, with whom I will be able to discuss my problems, though I don't know what this is going to achieve.

One of my fears is that these feeling are going to continue to build up as I grow older, and something will have to give :sad: Not sure if any of you have seen the film Normal with Tom Wilkinson...

An option I'm considering at the moment is to take estrogen as I've read (on this site and in other literature) that this can help take the edge of the dysphoria. I'm hoping this would help ease my traniexty, it really upsets me that my off-spring is growing inside my wife, and I'm wrapped up in my internal strife when I should focussed on my baby.

The hormone option seems like a real option to me at the moment (and wife isn't totally adverse to the idea). She's worried that this would be the beginning of transition (and that I might smell different)......

Any girls, I'm not looking for any amazing words of wisdom, I just wanted to put some of my thoughts on paper (well screen really).

Kate x

[joanlynn28]

Kate I am glad that you are here. Yes it is unfortunate that you find yourself in this perdicament. I am afraid to say that your feelings are not going to go away. It is only going to grow more intense as you get older. But it sounds like that you have a very wonderful spouse that loves you immensely, hopefully you to will be able to work something out that will allow both of you to remain together and still allow you to be yourself.

And I am all too familiar with the movie Normal, while I was in a physchiatric hospital my therapist rented the movie for me to watch, I cried while viewing it because that movie is an accurate description of how my life was at the time. I had a similar job and was facing the same issues.

All I can tell you is that is it is not easy deciding in which direction you must go with your life. At least you are taking the right steps, see that therapist and talk openly about your issues and keep the lines of communication open with your wife.

Just remember there are a lot of us here with similar and also different life experiences that are more than open to share what they have had to go through. You are not alone with this, your among family here.:hugs:

[Jessinthesprings]

The issues you face are almost identical to the ones I face. While my wife fully understands that I want to transition and she supports it I know deep down it is not something she wants... Then come the kids. My wife had two from a previous marriag (12 and 9 now so they are pretty much grown up) but I worry about our littleist one. I keep telling myself that if he grows up with it he won't have a problem with it, but I know deep down that there stands a very real possibility that he could have an oppiste reaction....

So like you I stand at a crossroads. Unsure if taking a right is the right thing for the familiy and taking a left is the right thing for me... Honestly, I don't think there is an answer, but if you find it let me know will you?

[Linda Z]

I have 3 kids I never hid myself from them. I am what I am.
they are doing fine in school and with freinds, and respect me.

I think the openess is important for all to feel OK with it.
Hidding make every thing BAD.
:2c:

Linda Z

[LisaM]

Kate,

I am 51 years old and my story is very similar. I wanted to transition when I was 21-22 but they closed the Johns Hopkins Gender Clinic and stopped gender surgery. I got married and had children and the desire to transition never left. I began hormones and therapy again in my 30s but stopped when my mother passed away.
I am currently seeing a therapist who believes that either low doses of hormones or an orchiectomy are ways of diminishing gender dysphoria. She has quite a few patients who have done either/or and continued to live with far less dysphoria.
Now it may not be a permanent cure. I have spoken to a few who after 10+ years of this have decided to transition. But most of them have experienced substantial diminishment in dysphoria for extended periods of time.

[KateConnors]

Thanks for the replies ladies. It does help to have people to talk to who are in a similar predicament.

[Steph2003]

Hi Kate -

I, too, have had my ups and downs with being "me".

After years of suppressing my TG side, taking hormones on and off, I finally got up the courage to see a gender therapist instead of just a therapist.

I could never tell anyone about my longing to be a woman, but I finally did with my new therapist and felt that great "weight" being lifted (although not totally.)

I'm in my late 40's and married with two children and don't know where I'm headed. I do know that if I had not sought out therapy, I would end up in a hospital.

While we all have other responsibilities, ultimaltely, we need to feel good about ourselves.

The folks here (including me) will be there to support you, whatever your decision(s) are.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Kate

You already seem to know the deal, and i don't think anyone will tell you "it goes away"

It's not something you control as much as you deal with it, and we all deal with it differently...

You and your wife aren't alone...I"m very happy for you guys and wish you all the best with the baby...i have 2 daughters..
When my kids were born, I was still in some pretty deep denial and all things baby related consumed me...maybe you can look at it that way for a time.

I was dealing with my anxiety day to day, and buried my unsustainable future deep in my mind....which only caused more anxiety...

so just dealing with it openly may help you alot.

Hopefully you find a therapist that is knowledgeable, and maybe think of including your wife at some point if the goal is to stay together..

[Leanne2]

Hi Kate,
Your story is my story and the same for many others in this site. The difference is that I have never told my wife the complete truth. It would kill her to know that I am more than just a CD. I took hormones for three months but she never knew it. It felt so right to float in the pink fog. I didn't want to stop but I did because of my breast development. My wife just thinks that I have "old man boobs." Anyway, now I'm depressed. Why do I have this condition and why do I love her so much?

I'm 59 so I've resigned to the fact that I'll never transition. I do so love to be out in public as Leanne. Read my post in "Out and About". The others and I in this site are your sisters. This is a good place to vent as well as get advise. We will support you no matter what you decide to do. Good luck, Leanne

[Valerie]

Hi, Kate, and welcome. Many of us are where you are. At times I wish it were otherwise, but most of the time I feel privileged, gifted. Therapy has helped me immensely, but make sure you find the right therapeut. After a false start with one who was extremely nice but did not have a clue, I found one that has helped me greatly. In any case, keep in touch.


Valerie

[dawnmarrie1961]

Kate, It is normal for those feeling about transitioning coming back especially because your SO is pregnant. You may even feel a certain amount of jealousy towards her for being able to carry life within her. Also being with child brings out more her feminine aspects . Another cause for envy.Just remember that even though she may be carrying the baby for nine months as a parent and a father you will carry them both for a lifetime.

Choosing a path of transitioning doesn't mean you have to go all the way to sexual reassignment surgery. You can stop at what ever point that makes you feel complete.


Be safe. Be Smart. And congratulations on being a parent!

Dawn Marrie

[~Emma D~]

Hi Kate,
Along with so many others my story is similar to your own.

In my case, I have two children, who along with my wife, are my life.
She knows to some extent how I feel, but will never accept it.

When she was pregnant, I was also so envious, and as the children have grown up it, my need to be myself has only increased to the point where I am now. Feelings simply do not go away.

The children have given me a sense of sanity I thought would never be there, they are a blessing and a gift to me, for which I will always consider myself so lucky. However, at the same time, they have made it so much more difficult to make decisions that I fundamentally need to, if I am ever to be true to myself - gulit is never far from the surface.

I wish both you and your wife good luck whichever path you decide to take, and congratulations on the baby, who I am sure will bring you much happiness.

:love:

[Sara Jessica]

Kate,

Transition may be a theoretical option for many of us, some might say it's the ticket to leading a life authentic to our true being. Yet I believe that there is an equal amount of validity and bravery in making the conscious decision not to pursue transition for the sake of one's wife and children. The degree of disclosure and/or presentation on a regular basis varies of course but we make choices to build families and households, making a decision that often tears such things apart is not one to take lightly.

So that said, I've been there and I wish you the best in dealing with this most difficult situation. As said above, your feelings will never go away so short of transition, the question will be how will you manage them?

[melissaK]

Well first - congratulations stealth mom. :-) Kids are cool, and I wish you and your spouse the best with the pregnancy.

I liked everyones 2 cents.

Glad you have a counsellor lined up. They can help. Something about saying things aloud makes your brain process them differently than saying just them in your head or on paper (even digital paper). I have always suspected this is one of the foundational basies for the role of confession in religions.

And, your spouses comment that you might smell different makes sense to me. I know for me, pheremones change my response to women and my own feelings. I have known for years that my tranxiety (to steal your word) waxes and wanes in relation to my own spouses monthly cycle. I have never looked for nor stumbled across scientific research on the isse. Perhaps your own increased tranxiety is from your spouses hormonal changes in pregnancy.

You obviously have a good thoughtful head on your shoulders and you will find the path best for you.

hugs,
'lissa

[Melissa A.]

And, your spouses comment that you might smell different makes sense to me.

First, my heart goes out to you, Kate. May you find a solution you can live with. All the time we spend chasing a normal life, due to the messages our culture dumps on us, is a strong motivator. Unfortunately, so is transsexualism. And it doesn't go away. In most cases, it gets stronger. This is no small conundrum, and I wish you peace and strength as you find your way.

As to Melissa's comments, YES!! In both senses of the word, and with all of the changes I've experienced, I find that the most interesting! Not only do I smell differently, even when I sweat, but my sense of smell has changed appreciabley. People, flowers, food, all seem to have an added layer to them(ok, in people, that's not always a great thing!) Just something I find pretty interesting.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[KateConnors]

Thank you for all of your insightful comments. While I wouldn't wish my predicament on anyone else, it good to know I am not alone.

[KateConnors]

Well first - congratulations stealth mom. :-) Kids are cool, and I wish you and your spouse the best with the pregnancy.


I love that "stealth mom", I'll be using that :)

[Angel.Marie76]

Kate, first welcome indeed to the forum, and as a fellow mass-tax-achusetts girl, I'll tell you that there are definately good resources for you here in this state.. people to talk to, places to get out with others, you name it...

I have to tell you though, I'm a little concerned for your mental well being. With yourself asking your SO about hair removal, and then about hormones, it seems like there's mixed messages galore. For an SO to be so very opposed to removal of hair, but yet to be seemingly willing to talk about changing your body with chemicals; They're both permenant changes. Having access to a therapist is a good thing to start with if you're really thinking about any of these things AND planning /trying to/ keep your relationship in tact.

There are so very many things to consider with having children, and should never be taken lightly. If you're literally testing the waters to the point of upsetting your spouse before your child is even born, then heaven help you if you decide to split and then the child comes to be.. :-( I could not tell you how my son's mother and I might have worked out in the long run over my dressing, however I knew preliminarily she was 'accepting' - We just seperated because we didn't 'work' otherwise.


I'm just barely into my 30's too, I've been testing the waters with dressing and transitioning for years. I have a son, and during his life I was off and on with closeted dressing, rarely ever getting out. Before he was born, I felt like I wanted a child so very much, to be a parent was a great wish. Now that he's around I love him to death, but must fight with my ex-wife about foolish things endlessly. Soo, keep this in mind if you're on the fence about pushing your SO over a point of no return. Now that my son is 11 (and I know so very many others here have kids too) he's just starting to see me come out of my male shell, and he's not taking things all that well. Conversely, there are plenty here, and several girls I know IRL that have children of all ages and they're completely fine with it too. Many things to think about...

Regardless, lastly (although it should not necessarily be last) is how you feel about yourself. You cannot expect to know, miraculously, how to deal with these urges, but you have to make some effort to determine IF and/or WHEN you want to move forward with letting the girl out. Personally, there's nothing wrong with letting your hair down permenantly..

Look inward hun, and know that we're all here for shoulders to cry on if you need one! :hugs:

[Gerard]

Whoa. That's quite a position to be in.

I like the idea that it might actually be related to smells/pheromones of your wife being pregnant. It could be true. It's known that not only mothers, but also fathers go though hormonal changes if the mother is pregnant because of not well understood changes to the mother's chemistry. This can be your reaction to "being pregnant".
http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6T6H-403W3KX-2&_user=10&_coverDate=03%2F31%2F2000&_rdoc=1&_fmt=&_orig=search&_sort=d&view=c&_acct=C000050221&_version=1&_urlVersion=0&_userid=10&md5=2f824d6efdb861b129d2a701ba9818ec

I think what I'm saying, is to not do anything drastic during the pregnancy, just try to be pregnant together. Then see how things develop after the baby is there. Try to be there for both the mother and baby, it might just be a great time to show your caring side. Try to enjoy it.

[Hope]

You talk a lot about anxiety. Anxiety triggered by your wife's pregnancy. Which is natural. You are about to make one of life's big transitions - from non-parent, to parent. That is going to trigger some anxiety.

I don't want to minimize or diminish your feelings and experiences in any way, but I know that when I am stressed out, anxious, my need to be a girl goes thru the roof. Apparently the first thing I stop expending mental energy on is this male fakery I am forced to do. Perhaps you have had similar experiences?

My point here is to recommend you get a referral to a good therapist in your area, some one who can help you manage your anxiety surrounding your transition into parenthood, and then if need be can also refer you to someone who can help you manage that other transition. Perhaps someone who can help you work things out with your wife might be in order too?

I don't mean to push therapists on you left and right - and I would never suggest that a therapist will have your answers - but a professional can often help us to find our own answers.