coping with guilt

[helenr]

I wonder if anyone has read a good book on this topic and could suggest it? I too like to remain in the fantasy world that provides satisfaction and escape, but there are times when guilt sets in. I wonder if anyone has any suggestions on this topic? thanks, Helen

[Melanie R]

The book, Crossdressing With Dignity, by Dr. Peggy Rudd has a lot to say about the guilt and other emotions experienced by most crossdressers. The research for this book was based on the findings from a survey completed by 864 crossdressers worldwide. If you can't find the answers in this book, you will not find your answers.

[Wen4cd]

Sometimes guilt lets you know when you're neglectng something important.

What I do, I do to help me live life more fully, not to escape from it. If you're feeling guilty, it might be that you feel you're not doing something you should.

There's no reason to feel guilty about CDing, but escaping from life is usually not very healthy in the long run.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I wonder if anyone has read a good book on this topic and could suggest it? I too like to remain in the fantasy world that provides satisfaction and escape, but there are times when guilt sets in. I wonder if anyone has any suggestions on this topic? thanks, Helen

I do not have a book to suggest, but I do have a suggestion to make.

Rather than trying to cope with your guilt, focus your attention on the cause of it.

You may find that there is really nothing to feel guilty about aside from the fact that you're uncomfortable with who you are. Even if that is way off target, the point is that it's more beneficial to deal with the cause of the problem and not the symptom.

Good luck with it, Helen.

[danacd96]

Helen, I am comfortable with who I am and therefore guilt has never entered into it. Fantasy, escape etc is what it is. All of us girls go through life with different experiences. Great question, not sure easy to answer.

lv d:)

[PrettyFlowingGown]

If dressing is what you love, why feel guilty? I've never felt guilty.

[Jeanna]

Rather than trying to cope with your guilt, focus your attention on the cause of it.

You may find that there is really nothing to feel guilty about aside from the fact that you're uncomfortable with who you are. Even if that is way off target, the point is that it's more beneficial to deal with the cause of the problem and not the symptom.

Good luck with it, Helen.

Good way to put it.

[Jan W]

Dear Helen,

You did not choose this and you cannot change the way things are.

Please try to accept this as a gift and put things into perspective.

Guilt is for guilty people not crossdressers.


Jan

[mklinden2010]

You have feelings for a reason.

If you feel bad doing what you're doing, and you're not going to do something else, then do something practical to make things right.

Accepting that you crossdress is just saying, "Wow, I'm a crossdresser!" Of course, you have to say it like, a bizillion times before you get completely used to it. That's OK, buttering toast took some practice too.

So, now that you are what you are, is it a good thing for you or not?

If you do something again and again, there's some kind of payoff and the payoff is probably better than some alternative - like smoking in response to stress would be worse (I think). So, yes, probably crossdressing is working positively for you at some level. Thank goodness for that - something works! And, better than something else. Yay!

Last, if you're a crossdresser, that's just something you do and part of who you are. So, what about the rest of you and what you do? You can watch a lot of football, and be a real fan, but you still have to go to work and you still have to take out the trash.

Live your life happily. If crossdressing sometimes causes you to feel bad, try to figure out what else you need to do in terms of time and money, etc. to feel better about crossdressing. It's not going to go away, and down deep, you don't want it to anyway. So, what the heck, if you have to help the old lady across the street with her yard, then do that and feel better.

Be a better person, not a bitter one.

[TSchapes]

Sometimes guilt lets you know when you're neglectng something important.

What I do, I do to help me live life more fully, not to escape from it. If you're feeling guilty, it might be that you feel you're not doing something you should.

There's no reason to feel guilty about CDing, but escaping from life is usually not very healthy in the long run.

:iagree:

-Tracy

[JenniferR771]

Helen, I am glad you are a crossdresser. I like and accept you completely. So glad to know you. You have my complete respect. I wish I were more like you.
You are not guilty of anything. You were born the way you are.

Guilt is the disapproval of other people projected onto your own mind.

The Jews and Romans disapproved of Jesus. Did he feel guilty--of course not.

[Jonianne]

"Celebrate Your Self : Enhancing Your Self-Esteem" ... by Dorothy Briggs is a great book to help you learn to, not only be OK with yourself, but to celebrate being you.

Also this thread by Bev is wonderful:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=112430

The best way to overcome false guilt is to "let in" the caring of others who reach out to you.

One day you will realize that no one can make you feel bad about yourself, you are the one making you feel bad about yourself, and when you finally realize that, your guilt will leave and never come back. I know.

[meri]

Hi,
If you really want to get to know yourself, get "The Power of Now", by Echhart Tolle.

In a nutshell, he teaches you to live in the moment.

Guilt, regret and similar emotions are experienced when you are thinking / worrying about something in the past (you are not in the moment).

Anxiety is an emotion you experience when you are thinking / worrying about something in the future (again, your head is not in the present).

When you learn to live in the moment, "in the now", all those old saws just fall away and no longer seem very important. You become free to experience yourself as you are, with this will come understanding and eventually acceptance.

One day, the guilt will simply be gone....

Sounds easy, I know, takes some work however. It's a journey worth taking. Made my life so much more enjoyable!

[Chiana]

My feelings are much like some others. I never feel guilty about dressing. But sometimes when I am dressed, I just don't want to go back to the drab mode and I neglect other things that I should be doing, instead. And sometimes I will feel guilty about not getting as much accomplished. But I can get too wrapped up in doing other things, as well. Golf would be one good example. And I will have those same guilt feelings.

[pattyv]

Guilt like jealousy is a useless emotion.Both are completely negative, and achieve no good. If you did not feel guilty about your crossdressing you would find something else to feel guilty about. Either crossdress or feel guilty, but don't do both as it is a terrible waste of energy. Cheer up Helen-God loves you the way you are.

[joannemarie barker]

i used to feel so guilty about dressing up but that seems to have vanished.i love all things girly so i'll just enjoy it :)

[Jenny Brown]

You did not choose this and you cannot change the way things are. Please try to accept this as a gift and put things into perspective.

You can change the way things are by simply not crossdressing. no cd-ing = no guilt. Problem solved. The act of actually putting on the clothes is a choice. A gift? No, it's not a gift. :doh:

[MissConstrued]

no cd-ing = no guilt. Problem solved.


That's one of the two ways to solve the problem. The other is to stop feeling guilty.

Pretty simple.

Personally, I found it the better option to quit the guilt. :)

[Lorileah]

You can change the way things are by simply not crossdressing. no cd-ing = no guilt. Problem solved. The act of actually putting on the clothes is a choice.

There seems to be some laws about not dressing in most countries.

Mis has it right, get over the guilt. It is an aberrant and artificial feeling in this case. There are no stone tablets that describe what anyone should wear

[tricia_uktv]

Once you have accepted who and what you are, and go out and prove it, the guilt magically disappears.

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Helen,

I'm afraid I don't have a book to recommend, but I would like to share my thoughts on this with you. Feeling guilty about our CDing I think is something most of us can relate to ... I think it happens a lot. Are you feeling guilty about how much time you spend on it (therefore seemingly neglecting other things in your life) or are you feeling guilty about it because you think you shouldn't be doing it?

If it's the latter than I really understand that, as I used to feel very guilty and tell myself all the time that even though I love expressing myself this way "it's not exactly what guys are supposed to do" or that "I shouldn't be fanning the flames". Why did I feel this way? Why the guilt? Societal expectations. Peer pressure. The belief that as a guy I have to act a certain way, there is somehow an "expected behaviour" from us. Why we think this way can be different for each of us but I encourage you to think about why you think you have to be "this way" or "that way" in your behaviour? If your CDing is not hurting anyone else, where's the harm?

Ultimately, we are all going to die. No one gets out of this thing called life alive. Are you going to spend the small insignificant time you have on this planet being nice to yourself or are you going to give yourself emotional stress .... and then die? It took me many, many late night long conversions (with my wife) soul searching and getting to the bottom of what is important to me, in my life. Once you get to that point, there is no guilt anymore. In other words, you have to "find yourself", you have to take a long look inside yourself and evaluate why you think the way you do about your CDing. You are an important person, there is nothing wrong with being happy, and there is nothing wrong if it's you yourself that makes you happy, and believe it or not, there is nothing wrong with wearing clothes that are normally associated with women .... even if it makes you happy! :hugs:

Hugs
Rachel

[helenr]

Thanks for all the positive, helpful posts. I anticipated a few critical ones getting on my case for implying that guilt goes along with crossdressing, etc. I like Peggy Rudd's books and I will revisit the one about Dignity-maybe some day take one of the cruises she and her husband arrange.
The core issue is, frankly, my marriage. When I married nearly 27 years ago I truly thought my crossdressing-since age 6 (to early 30's) was dormant. It was for several years, became a father-wonderful experience- and was a fairly 'normal' husband. Then the ingrained (I suppose) urge returned and underdressing,etc resumed. The secrecy part-you don't exactly start replacing your jockey briefs with nylon briefs without some response-so I went underground as far as the crossdressing. Due to being a father, my wife really was stressed over this crossdressing as she has read books and knows the power of the urge. I suspect my son (now 23) has a sense of the situation and this adds to my guilt syndrome.
As I have gotten older-past the 1/2 mark to age 63- I realize that my time to try to 'get it right' are fading. I have pushed the envelope with using anti androgens as I so wish to negate the masculine factor. this has added issues to a relationship that aren't helpful-no longer can charade as a virile male so my wife suffers. it is such a can of worms when the transgender part takes over and it becomes more than what color panties are you wearing today,etc. We have a fairly good relationship-enjoy culture stuff, travel, etc but there is always that 'other person' in the room named Helen and as we become one person, it wrecks the relationship. Were it not for my recent cancer and radiation and the side effects, I wonder if my wife would have stayed married. Maybe she figures I won't be around that long and that does simplify things-no stressful divorce,etc.
So I have perhaps more than the typical member to this great community of issues. I so wish I had known before marriage that I was who I have always been. Not so much was known 30 years ago . But regardless, people do change and it is unfortunate when these changes hurt others. It is nice to counter that Helen is an enrichment component, but that is BS-most wives are mortified that their social friends will find out the husband is other than 100% 'normal'. that is how it is with us and I can honestly say-and I am not at all suicidal so don't worry-that I won't mind exiting this world as it is now. Only wish is that my son be interested in girls and finds a nice one for a companionship. that is all I care about. hugs to all you sweet gurls. Helen