Trying to stay friends&#@*

[SultrySara]

Well now that I have found this site I think I can finally ask some questions I can't ask any body else. I was in a relationship for almost 2 years and really was in love and we were practically soul mates, hard to say what the real reason was we broke up since there were issues we avoided (mainly mine) but basically the fact that she was going off to college 2 hours away was the instigator. after alot of soul searching I decided to not give up on her or our relationship, since the closer we got to her leaving the more she promised she wanted to make this work. Keep in mind I am a a little older and knew what she was getting into being in a new school in a new town on her own around a bunch of new guys. I always felt if you love something let it go..... that is why I thought it best to let it go, but she insisted to the point that I thought she really may mean it (I had friends relationships that survived so I knew it could happen). Her first week up there she called me a said "I kissed a guy at a party, are you mad"......um YES I said in a delayed shocked response (to skip alot of unness details).... after the initial breakup and since I was now alone in my one bedroom apt. I went into a crossdressing frenzy and ordered all kinds of clothes on ebay and other various online stores, she still had my E-mail password (I forgot she knew it) and one day about 2 months after she called me and asked "do you have something you want to tell me", well after all was said and done she said she was ok with it!!!!!!! at that point I was SOOO HAPPY since somebody finally knew that side of me and accepted it. I now thought maybe we could mend our new found relationship and be closer than ever thought possible. Come to find out her "New boyfriend" was also a crossdresser and was comfortable enough (drunk as hell though) to tell her 2 weeks into knowing her and she did not understand why I could never tell her, she just could not understand my fear of running her off. The problem is I can read her emotions like an open book and she knows it, her boyfriend can't even read her like I can and she can't stand not having a friendship with me for that reason. My problem is everytime I am around her I cant stand the overwhelming emotion and anger I fell, she knows EVERYTHING about me and is ok with it but I can't have her anymore!! It drives me crazy, basically her new boyfriend has the girlfriend that I was never able to have and I am not afraid to admit my jealousy. My best way to deal with the situation is to not talk to her but I have shopped with her for girl things (in between the time I was trying to make the best of our situation) and she is the only person I can do this with. I guess this is just me pouring me heart out hoping for insight on how to handle the situation, I don't want to lose a possibly great thing but can't help my feelings. If I had another girl to shop with that I did not have bad history with I think I would also be ok. any suggestions ***Sorry so long***

[Julie]

Sara,

This is a tough one. Since we can't control the feelings of others there seems to be nothing you can do to change the present situation from her standpoint. In other words you can't make her love you back.

Maybe just be the best friend you can be. I know it will be hard. I have been in your shoes (heels?) and I know what you're going through. When my wife and I were dating her ex came back into the picture. Our relationship went sour as she started dating him again. Finally one day, while on the phone discussing our situation, I said to her if our relationship could be back the way it was I would love to return there but I had no desire to continue the way it was going. Several days later she called and wanted to see me. When we got together she told me she had broken off her relatonship with her ex for good. She told me she thought about what I said and realized she didn't want to return to the relationship she had with her ex while the one she had with me she missed a lot.

Sometimes little things make a big difference. I never intended for what I said to turn her around. I was just being honest. If you stick it out as a friend you have a chance of rekindling the relationship. If you break it off for good there is no chance. On the other hand there's a lot of fish in the sea but from our perspective there aren't many with a taste for crossdressing so I understand your dilemma.

Sorry I couldn't be more help. My heart goes out to you.

[Shy Charlotte]

I'd have to say that this would be a hard situation for anyone, and being a crossdresser makes it that much worse. We're people just like everyone else, but we have a lifestyle that makes it much harder for us to get women for successful long term relationships that are tolerant of our way of life. Even harder to find someone that we are attracted to, and actually encourages/assists our lifestyle.

If you were a non-CD, I'd say just move on to greener pastures. Always easier said than done, and I'd have to say that I still do think about my first love in those lonely hours of the night sometimes (hope my g/f doesn't read this). But a relationship needs to be mutually beneficial. If she's not growing from it, it's not good. If you're not moving forward in it, it might just be holding you back. And more importantly, if you're putting 110% of your effort into making it work, and she's kissing guys at parties and telling you about it, well then what can you do. Yes, she's a lovely girl, and yes you love her deeply. Yes you guys are the best of friends, and yes, she's accepted your crossdressing (hard to come by, but not impossible). The fact that she's acting the way that she does means that the most important person to her right now is her, not you.

Sara, listen carefully. You are an awesome person. You have a good heart, are emotionally sensitive, have to be stud to land her in the first place.... you just have a little low self-esteem. Most CD's do at some point or another. I know how you feel. It's been like 10 years since my first girlfriend, but I still think about her everyonce in awhile. Took me 2 years to get back onto the dating circuit (I work slowly). I just think it's best for you to move on, just for a little. Just make sure you let her know how you feel. Honestly, if you play the waiting game, you'll just be tortured with thoughts and images of this other guy with her. And who knows. Maybe she'll just realize what a yutz this guy is after you're not around anymore. But I think if you're being tortured by the relationship you need to give it a little distance. It's hard, but it helps if you have some friends to help you through it. I also watched a movie called "Swingers" that helped me out alot (it's not sexual, just a comedy with Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn about lounge music and swing dancing).

Hang in there Sara, either way we'll be there for you

[SultrySara]

Thanks girls, everything you said pretty much makes sense and is right on track with what I know I need to do. I do think time is the only "Bandaid" in this situation. It just fells really great to vent and puor my heart out to somebody that will listen but most importantly UNDERSTAND!..thanks again :p