Question for cders

[Kolokea GG]

How long was it before you SO's were comfortable going out in public with you? Also how well did they react the first time in public? I am worried and scared..not truely for me, but for my cder. I don't want her to have a bad experience. Any suggestions?

[PaulaJaneThomas]

The best thing is to kick him out of the door on his own and see how he copes. If he comes back in one piece then it's probably safe for you to accompany him. There's no way he should expect you to be exposed to any risk.

[Kolokea GG]

Well..the thing is if he goes out..I go out..that's the way we have decided...I can think quicker on my feet then she.

[Angelofsomekind]

Go to a CD friendly place. The first time I went out with my wife we went to a CD friendly gay club not far from us. I went there once by myself years and years ago, but that's the only place really close to us that I knew about. If you are not sure about the place, go there once when your SO is not dressed just so you can see there are others dressed and you won't be the only one. I think that helps.

[Stephanie Miller]

Kolokea it is wonderful that you are so supportive. Thanks from all of us. As per your question though... I try and suggest to all the new club members (Phoenix Tri Ess) that ask is to have new members go out for a night by themselves with other members to a known safe haven and get the first time jitters out of the way by herself first. There is much that she will have to accomplish (mental) that you cannot help with and don't need the stress either. After that, the the best thing is to meet a couple of the other members S.O.'s and plan a group night to a local TG friendly bar or restaurant.
It's better to do in in baby steps. Takes a LOT of the stress for both of you out of the way and you can see how the other S.O.'s help each other.(Or what to avoid that isn't working).
All that is going on the assumption of course that a club or several couples are involved. If the situation is on a more the two of you only basis - then it would be better to pre plan your night to a CD friendly place and have "escape" plans. If one or the other gets too uncomfortable - then a signal or word is given and the night comes to a close. Best to close down early and happy than sit it out and be sad. "Real" public ( the mall or supermarket etc.) should come only after you've taken the baby steps. Luck and fun be with you.

[Melissa Rose]

My SO will not go out with me so I can not share that perspective; however, I've just starting going out dressed so I can share that one. I have not experienced any problems while out fully dressed. My first time out was with two more experienced CDs. That made is very easy because they already knew of the CD friendly places. It was sort of a mentoring relationship which was very helpful. I have to admit to living in one of the more LGBT tolerant area of the US.

One topic of discussion on my first night out in very public places (bar and restaurant) was how to succeed being out. The most critical aspect is your attitude and presentation. If you go out and present yourself in a flashy or over stated manner or appear very nervous and frightened, you will probably draw an unwanted type of attention to yourself. If you appear comfortable, confident and relaxed, very few people, sometimes no one, will even pay you much notice. If you dress like a somewhat age appropriate GG and carry your self well, you will not have a problem while out. Sure, you may get a few stares or some harmless, subtle comments, but ignore them. Smile and be polite, know it is their problem, and you will be fine. So give your girl some support on her night out (you or a friend), find a known friendly place, and go with the right attitude. Once she has been out, she will probably love it and want to do it again.

I think it is fantastic you want to support and go out with her. Personally, I had so much fun going out with other girls, I may not want my SO along if the opportunity ever presented itself. It would change the dynamic in a way I may not want. This comment applies only to me, so I'm not saying don't go with her or be concerned she will not want to go with you. YMMV.

This is not quite what you were looking for, but I hope it is helpful.

[TxKimberly]

While she did go to firendly places with me (TG events, gay bars) my wife only did public with me once and was far from comfortable with it. So in 22 years my wife has never become comfortable with it

[Kathi Lake]

Hey Ko!

Have you and Steph picked out a place yet? It should be a quick in n' out (not In n' Out though - unless you like burgers) as too may unexpected things can and will freak Steph out. Things may run through her head, like; "Am I being read? That girl just smiled at me. She thinks I'm a perv! What does she think of my wife? Does she think she's a man too? Man, this bra itches. Is my wife having a good time? Is she doing this just for me? Does this blouse really go with this skirt? Am I sitting like a woman?" And those thoughts are just in the first two minutes!

Seriously though, expect a little stress on both your parts. Steph will want to make sure everything is perfect - from her appearance to your expectations. Chances are there may be a little fit in the bathroom as the makeup may not go on just right. A lot of her insecurities may come to the front because she doesn't just want this to be perfect for her, but for you as well. She'll be trying so hard not to screw up so you'll want to do this again.

So, be gentle with her. If she gets snappy, put it down to stress and don't take it personally. Try to make it as low-stress as possible. Try to do something you both enjoy.

Let us know how it goes!

Kathi

[Mirani]

Hi Kolokea,
I'm sorry for the unhelpful comments here when you are obviously and naturally have some trepidation.

It is so good that you have both discussed parameters - and going "out" together is fine.

You dont say where you live. But I would research local CD friendly places (not necessarily a CD/TV meeting).

Sometimes contacting a local CD group can be helpful as they can point you in the right direction.

Just make a plan that meets your needs. Is it a daytime or evening "outing"?
Do you (as in both of you) want to experience being "out in the world" as in going for a walk, or do you want an experience (shopping/meal/cinema etc)?

Is you Cder potentially "passable" (hate that expression - but I mean would she potentially be part of the crowd) or is she "noticeable"?
Depending on the answer then you can make a decision where is best to go.

One last thing. I have had "situations" (threats and verbal abuse) when out alone. I have NEVER had a problem when accompanied by a GG friend or with my partner.

Best of all - have fun!
It is exciting, exhilerating, frightening, challenging but oh so WONDERFUL to get "out" for the first time!

[Kolokea GG]

Haven't picked any place out yet..not sure where to start that will not totally freak me out in anyway...Being in Maine it makes it difficult....not a very open state. That's why I am asking for suggestions

[JenniferR771]

A couple stores. A quick trip to the mall. You will be fine. Dress down so that you will not stand out from the crowd. Dull but draws less attention. Use the bathroom before you leave.
I have been out in public a few times. Not likely my wife would ever go along.

Oh and the biggest thing to avoid is 10 year old girls. They read, they stare--crane their necks to get a better look--and whisper to their sister.

[Kolokea GG]

OOOpssy.. I live in Maine....Vacationland

[Holly]

If there is not a TG resource nearby that you can utilize, then I would suggest a movie. OR you could save your money and join me and over 100 other TG's and their SO's/friends in Las Vegas next April for Diva Las Vegas. :D PM me if you would like more information.

[TGMarla]

How long was it before you SO's were comfortable going out in public with you?
Ha! That's a stretch. I'm still counting. I'll let you know. don't hold your breath.

[Veronica Nowakowski]

I don't have an SO, but I do have my best friend who is female. I was nervous, even knowing that she has seen everything under the sun (and apparently I found out later that one of her old friends was a crossdresser), to tell her. She didn't blink, it was just "ok" and immediate acceptance. That was such an amazing thing and helped me go out in public much more often and be much more open about it. Much better than my homophobic second best friend who thinks getting me laid will snap me out of it and tried to convince me not to do it anymore.

Where did I dress? A goth club. Crossdressers are there all over, so it's socially acceptable. I would suggest going somewhere like that, somewhere where they accept it. I have since gone to a political convention, where they are transgender-friendly, and out shopping en femme. I also visited her place once, which is where her husband (they're now separated) first saw it and whatnot.

If you're worried at all, make sure you give him all the secret beauty tips, and the fact that you're only worried for him I assure you is very comforting and he'll love you all the more for it. It's great to have women like you around.

[Shelby]

I don't have an SO to share in my hobby so I can't fully answer your question but I have gone out on my own. It is the most terrifying experience in the world at first. I think I stood before the mirror for a good hour trying to convince myself that I looked passable. Just getting out of my apartment took several tries. I went to a local mall and as I was walking through the parking lot, two guys started laughing and speaking in spanish (yeah I got read and almost turned around to leave). Then I went to a Target and hid within the racks of womens clothes for some camoflauge.

I did this all on my own, but how I wished I had someone like a gg to go with me as support. Your SO is so lucky to have you. I would recommend a walk in a large city park during the daytime. It is large with plenty of space to share. You can roam about which helps to avoid others. Take a little break sitting by a tree just to absorb the environment. Do help her with her look if she needs it, but mostly just be there for her.

Shelby

[Kolokea GG]

thank you all for the advice....any and all is appreciated

[TJ Tresa]

The first time she helped me dress and did my make-up, she wanted to take me to the store with her and let me sit in the car while she went inside to get a couple of things we needed. it was I who was toooo scared and didn't go. We live in a small town and between the two of us we know about everyone here. too risky of someone finding out, regonizing me through her, or the car, etc...
Unfortunately when the subject comes up now she isn't interested and I am still a little scared, we have talked about going to another twon where I might be able to dress with out the fear of anyone knowing who we are. It is being planned for the future.

[Ralph]

This can't be stressed enough: You're not obligated to go out dressed if it doesn't make you comfortable and/or isn't fun. "Just kick him out the door"... kick yourself out, toots. If your need is fulfilled by dressing only at home, there's no reason to put up with the hassles of going out.

[crossdrezzer1]

wife helped me first time and lent me her sun glasses that I bought for her anyways,, she didnt like this side of me but still supports me and helped,,didnt go with me but patted my panty but and said go have fun and away I went,,, first and last time,,it was fun but have the same ampount of fun in drab shopping at my special stores


Haven't picked any place out yet..not sure where to start that will not totally freak me out in anyway...Being in Maine it makes it difficult....not a very open state. That's why I am asking for suggestions


dress barn in kitery has a few of us and have special rooms,,,go there and also lafeme on deer street in portsmouth is a very cd friendly lingerie shop,,, 5 minutes away from dress barn in kittery,,,she loves cd's

[Sally2005]

I've gone out with my wife around halloween. She is surprisingly confusing. On one hand she says just go out the front door, who cares about neighbors they won't recognize you. She acts like its no big deal and just tells me...that's what it is like (to walk in heals etc). She says I look better as a guy, gets a little bent out of shape when I tell her people thought I was female... she helps me make sure I look okay though. It hasn't occured to her yet, but I'm sure we get read as lesbians dancing in a bar. From my side, I was a huge chicken to go outside and to dress in front of her at first. There is a lot of fear that I either look too feminine or too bad. Too feminine that my wife feels like its a competition or too bad that she is not honest enough to tell me how bad I really look. So just be honest and one huge benefit you can provide is to do the people watching and provide feedback to him. Be sensitive to how scared he is about doing it and start off with some easy outings like just driving or walking around. Oh, and have fun! Maybe sneak in a small surprise adventure.

[BeckiB]

The first time I (we) went out was at Southern Comfort. It was nice because you could go as "out" as you wanted. It is a great way to ease into to it in an atmosphere that is very friendly. There are a lot of events like Southern Comfort so finding one to attend that is close shouldn't be all that hard. It also gives you the opportunity to meet others, go shopping, have dinner and just enjoy yourselves.

[janelle]

Sometimes a good way to breaki the ice is just go for a drive, Maybe stop in a park or get some ice cream. All easy small steps. My "X" was always afraid I would get hurt so she went. But she soon saw all would be fine as I didn't draw attenence to myself. Give something small you both like to do & do it. I can assure you, you both will like it. Good luck.

Hugs Janelle

[Terri Andrews]

I found that things worked best when we went as she felt confortable .We stared just going for walks and then shopping but she stayed a distance from me at first .
Now we do our vacations as two girls and she is fine as long as we are not in our home town .

[TSchapes]

My wife does not accompany me, does not like it. She doesn't care if I go out on my own.

However, I think part of the problem was our first date on Halloween. I went as Elvira. We had two distinctly different impressions of that night which I didn't find out about until just about a year ago (our first date was over 20 years ago).

I had a blast that night and she said I was called fagot and queer and some guys were talking about, "yea, lets beat up the queer". I don't remember that or blocked it out of my mind. So she doesn't want to get involved and finds it too nerve racking. She says she doesn't mind if I go out, but I know she worries about me.

You don't have to participate if you don't want to. I have never encouraged this for wives of a CD. If you are brave and can handle it, then fine. I do recommend that any CD that goes out should go out with a CD partner for safety.

Love, Tracy

[Kolokea GG]

I thank you all again...it helps hearing other...One question is was it 1month from knowing 6months..1 year..10 years before your SO was comfortable....

[sissystephanie]

How long was it before you SO's were comfortable going out in public with you?

Kolokea, I told my late wife before we were married! Her first question when I told her was, "Do you go out in public as a girl?" When I told her no, she wanted to know why. I told her it was because I was terrible at fixing my wig and also not good with makeup! She just laughed and told me that she would take care of those things because WE were going to go out as two girls!! We did on our honeymoon in San Francisco, and numerous times thereafter! Now that she has passed away, I just go out as a guy in a skirt, panties and bra! No wig and no makeup!

She loved Stephanie just as much as she loved my drab self, because I never let her forget that underneath the satin and lace was her man!

Your CD is blessed to have an accepting wife such as you! He needs to keep reminding you, maybe with your help, that he is your MAN, as I did with my wife. True love can overcome a lot!

:hugs: