Thinking about coming out

[Morford]

The idea's been rolling around in my head for a few days now of coming out to some of my friends - or at least a select "core group" of them. I'm just trying to sort out who, how, and what the risk v. reward is. (Do I stand to gain anything from it?)

On the one hand, I think the group would be generally accepting. I say this partly because I know Seattle is well-known for being open-minded about such things, and also because I'm fairly sure that one of the girls in the group is either a full-time CD or possibly TS. I've never seen her not in "girl mode," but some anatomical features are quite masculine, and sometimes, depending on what she's wearing on a given day, I think I can see the edges of breastforms showing through her shirt.

However, I don't know if anyone else in my group of friends recognizes this. It's never come up in conversation that I know of; she presents as female and identifies as female, so all of us—me included—treat her as female. Hell, for all I know, she could be a GG and I'm just reading her wrong. It's possible that I'm the only one who notices since I CD a little and I kinda know what to look for, but it's also possible that everyone knows and there's just an agreement to not talk about it that I wasn't privy to.

I'm just not sure what to think at this point. There's plenty more to elaborate on, I'm sure, but seeing as I have work tomorrow I should probably cut this off for now. Opinions and questions appreciated; I'll try to remember to drop in again after work tomorrow and see what you all have to say.

[blackenedbutterfly]

You could try coming out to her in private, maybe she'll spill some.

One of the best ways to get someone to open up to you is to share something important about yourself.

[heatherdress]

Hi Morford. I have two suggestions. First, you really should think long and hard about "coming out" to your friends. Why would you want to risk any friendships if there is no gain? Would admitting to your friends that you CD make you feel differently? Unless you want to dress when you are with them, why bother telling them? I would guess that your friends are true friends and would accept you not matter how you dress. But would others when word got out? Would you feel uncomfortable not knowing who knows? Would your career or family be effected? Why bother if you are enjoying yourself?
Second, address your concern about your friend seperately and directly, if you need to. If you have never seen her "not in girl mode" and can only guess she is wearing breastforms, you might be quite wrong and embarassed. Maybe the best thing to say to her is nothing.
Accept your friends the way they are, be a good friend and enjoy your own CDing.

[Mirani]

No such thing as a "Core Group" in terms of confidentiality.

Yes, tell a core group BUT be prepared that it WILL leak out. Not necessarily maliciously.

People just "talk" and promise others to confidentiality ...

So, just be aware that once its "out" . . you can't put it back in!

[Hope]

The likelihood of a secret getting out is equal to the square of the number of people who know about it. That is exponential growth in probability. My point here is to not be foolish enough to think that you can tell just a few select people and still have a secret. If you tell your friends - word will get around.

My only other point is this: That if you tell someone else, without coming all of the way out of the closet, you are not really coming out, you are instead dragging them into the closet with you, forcing them to keep your secret hidden from the world the way you do. It's not fair to them.

If you are going to come out, come out.

[Ellie Lierae]

I've told a few close freinds and they either love the idea or atleast accept it, which is cool. I did worry about looseing them b4 i told them, but realised they are too open minded to shun me for it, and i never minded that it mite get out, telling them gave me places i could get all done up without being found out by parents

[DeniseNJ]

I told three friends that I dress , even showed a few pics . I admitted to one that I went out as Denise and he was ok with it. I havn't mentioned anything since and I get treated the same as before. My one friend calls me lady at times tho:heehee:

[MiraM]

I have just recently come out fully as gay and transgended, notjust to a 'core group', but to everyone. I also csidered risk vs. gain, and found that the plus far outweighed the negative. It had become increasing difficult to hide my mannerisms (I have always been a flamboyant) and recently had a co-worker notice tracs of eyeliner that I had failed to remove completely. I have been dressing since very early childhood, and knew by the time I was around 13 or so that I was gay.

I locked myself away in the closet because society sad that the way I am is wrong. I just turned 45, and it was time to live mylife as me, not someone elses version of me.

So, I came out. Some people told me I should do drag shows because of my mannerisms, and I told them I don't do shows, but showed them pictures of Alicia and explained that I am transgendred as well.

Back on topic now. Were there risks? Yes. There was the possibility that they could have shunned e and treated me as an outcast. Some people will. I have very few friends, and chances are that I will lose some, but so far everyone has ben accepting and hs treated me no different. I am still the same person they have know for several years, just more honest.

What have I gained from comming out? Your mileage may vary, but I have gained a new sense of inner peace, contentment, and self respect now that I am no longer lieing to myself and everyone else. It's up to you to decide if t gains will outweigh the risks, but for me they did.

[DAVIDA]

That is not a step, that is a giant leap!
I know first hand how liberating it is to be yourself around friends. I have told several friends and family. I don't make a mad dash to the bedroom to change when someone comes over now! I just answer the door.

[Teri Jean]

Mirani is right in that when you tell one the rest of the world will know in time. Serets are broken every minute. Now is that a reason not to confide in someone, H*** no, but be prepared for a support group who you can be yourself with and the lady you mentioned will probably be your anchor in the night. But in time the word will get out and by that time you may be more confident and sure of what and how to react to the questions coming your way.

I have such a core group and it gets bigger each day. LOL Some of that is my own doing but there is help from the wings also. Fact of life. As I look to transitioning in the near future I will be outing myself totally so there will be no harm no fowl.

Huggs Teri

[TJ Tresa]

I would think real hard and for a long time before I entrust anyone with my CDing. However I don't have as much a desire to go out in the public as others do, my wife is very accepting with me dressing and I am wearing something feminine just about all the time.
I feel that you might be able to talk priviately to you friend whom you suspect is a CDer, but approach the subject very very cautiously. Think about it, if you were dressing full time how would you feel if the new commer came up and asked you such private questions. Try and look at this from as many different angles as you possibly can.
Whatever you decide to do, all of us here would like to know how it goes, and we will be here for moral support. Good luck and I hope you make the right choice.

[Emmalee_Summers]

I have to agree go to her first, but if you do tell your group of friends or a less a couple, it feels great. Like a burden being lifted from you and you can be your self around them. I have only told my two closest friends but i free so much more free and confidant because of it. Good luck talking to them.

[Sally2005]

I have not come out, but all my friends have seen me dressed up at one time or another (for halloween - multiple halloweens). I'm not a fan of officially outing yourself because people have their own ideas what it means...I think they can handle a friend who dresses up for fun (they joke with me about it sometimes) and I have no plans to go full time so I leave it at that. Actually, if I ever do come out one day, it will be a non-event because everyone I know will have been exposed to it before. Its funny when you think about it, if you just do it, people just accept it, but if you tell everyone you fit a certain mold, then they start judging how will you fit the mold. So I keep my feelings to myself and on special occasions I dress up and let the world see.

For your friend, it is another issue. Let her tell you first. She could be a full time TS and if your friends don't know about her, your announcement that you are CD if it is met with shock by the group may put her in an awkward situation where she can't support you and just because she is a TS doesn't mean she is going to understand a CDer.

[Morford]

Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. I realize that this is not a decision to be made lightly, and that secrets don't stay that way for long.

At this point, I'm still trying to decide if the reward is worth the risk—that reward, as I see it right now, being nothing more than mere convenience. There have certainly been times when I would have liked to be able to dress around my friends—yesterday, for example, I spent the morning dressed, then had to change so I could hang out in the afternoon—but I don't feel a pressing need to do so. Coming out would also save me the trouble of having to explain in the case that I accidentally leave something out when I have my friends over, but I suppose that bridge is best crossed when it's encountered.

As for my friend, I concur that if I were to come out, it'd be best to speak with her about it first, for the possibility of having a kindred spirit. Until or unless something changes, though, I'm going to continue to treat her as I have thus far; there's no point in stirring up trouble. Besides, I live alone—I'm free to dress as much as I want behind the closed (and locked) door.

[JenniferR771]

Sometimes I tell people for no reason. I am self-employed. I came out to a customer today. She was selling her house and leaving town. I complimented her: "Another cute outfit!" She was wearing a close-fitting black jersey knit dress with wide black belt and medium high heel sandals. "You always seem to notice." Long pause. "The reason I notice is that I am a crossdresser. We notice things like that. "
"Really!"

"I have a dress something like that, but in a larger size of course."

[Christina Horton]

if you come out to the girl you think is ts or cd don't say something like "i'm telling you cuz your like me". That could be the worst thing too do. Just say something like ..." I am coming out to friends and I wanted to tell you first cuz I will need a friend or "girl friend " to lean on. When I am out I would like some girls to help me , were friends and I was hoping you could be the first GG I come out to ". Or something like that. Make sure you don't imply that you think she is Ts or cd. If she is she might tell you , then again she might not. Treat her like any other women , ya never know she may have had breast cancer that why you have seen her breast forms eh. Talk and treat her as a GG and if she says " I am Ts Tg Cd" etc then more the better.
When you come out you will have to assume that everone incluedding work will know someday. Are you ready for that. I don't mean to scare you but it the truth. I have told everone including work and my life is so much better for it . Good luck.

[tinagirlcd]

i have also been thinking about coming out but still a little scared

[Morford]

A couple of weeks ago I was attending a video game convention with my suspect friend, and as we were driving home we started talking about a similar convention coming up this spring. By way of context, another mutual friend of ours had half-jokingly suggested previously that he might come up with some sort of cross-gender costume for it.

I mentioned to her that, if our friend actually went through with it, I might do it as well just for fun. She seemed pretty supportive of the idea; she commented that "there's no shame" in it, and—when I pressed a little—she agreed that my body type would probably work well for it. So while I didn't exactly "come out" to her, I planted some seeds. Maybe when it gets closer, and if this looks like it's actually going to happen, I'll ask her to help me shop for costume pieces.

Of course, there's always the chance that I'd pull off the look a little too well... :whistling:

[Tina2]

I was thinking about coming out to one of my friends, but I think that desire comes from wanting to work through the shame I feel about being a crossdresser. I can't really think of anything good that would come from the discussion. I read a FAQ somewhere that said coming out to friends is a common instinct when you first decide to tell your wife (specific to my situation), but that it is generally a bad idea. I think I'm going to wait.

BTW, I'm in Bellevue.