I mean, I know why... but why?

[Poetic Awakening]

So my wife will be coming home this weekend. It's been around three months, and I am very excited for her return! This house has been so depressingly gloomy, that I just can't take it anymore. Someone else around will definitely help out a lot...

But her return also marks the end of my agreed liberties. What I mean by that is, well, for now we have agreed that I will only dress and whatever else while she is away. As everything is still new for the both of us, I figured this was better than the many alternatives. Granted, if I ever felt the need to transition (which in my heart, I'm afraid that decision has already been made), she has made it clear that there would no longer be a marriage to speak of. So I guess, in a way, I am still prolonging the inevitable, but I haven't been able to start counseling or anything yet, so I am not all that ready to just jump the gun.

Anyway, with her impending arrival, a lot has been going through my mind. Basically, why do I do this to myself? To her? Why do I worry about it, when I am already a perfect, genetically born male? A big part of me is afraid that I won't end up so easily definable, and that once I go down that road of no return, it won't be as green as I had hoped. Especially when, as of now, it will involve me throwing away my first and what I thought was to be my only marriage. For a time, I was happy. For a time, I didn't worry about it. But that's just it. It really isn't some phase that disappears with time, and I am fully aware of that.

But still, I wonder, worry, and wish... still wishing I could just magically wake up in a world where the solution is easier to grasp and where people don't think twice about whether or not you really are what you are. For a while, I was unsure of what to do. Now, I can't help but feel sure, and that's what worries me. For one, we are living overseas right now, and there are no solid resources for me, except back home... and me returning to the states except for a visit would not only bring up a load of questions, but make it even harder on my wife. Of course, we've talked about that option a little, and she has agreed to help me get on my feet if that is something I have to do. But I would have to leave everything behind, and return to a place where I am unsure of how I would be received. None of my friends know, and if they did? I can't wager on their help right now. This really isn't a new story by any means, and I am not trying to make it unique... it's just a lot has been going through my mind. Pretty soon I have to make a choice, and none of what's on the table is looking all that easy, or all that fun.

Oh what to do, what to do :sad:

Sincerely,
Poetic

[CharleneT]

So my wife will be coming home this weekend. It's been around three months, and I am very excited for her return! This house has been so depressingly gloomy, that I just can't take it anymore. Someone else around will definitely help out a lot...

But her return also marks the end of my agreed liberties. What I mean by that is, well, for now we have agreed that I will only dress and whatever else while she is away. As everything is still new for the both of us, I figured this was better than the many alternatives. Granted, if I ever felt the need to transition (which in my heart, I'm afraid that decision has already been made), she has made it clear that there would no longer be a marriage to speak of. So I guess, in a way, I am still prolonging the inevitable, but I haven't been able to start counseling or anything yet, so I am not all that ready to just jump the gun.

Anyway, with her impending arrival, a lot has been going through my mind. Basically, why do I do this to myself? To her? Why do I worry about it, when I am already a perfect, genetically born male? A big part of me is afraid that I won't end up so easily definable, and that once I go down that road of no return, it won't be as green as I had hoped. Especially when, as of now, it will involve me throwing away my first and what I thought was to be my only marriage. For a time, I was happy. For a time, I didn't worry about it. But that's just it. It really isn't some phase that disappears with time, and I am fully aware of that.

But still, I wonder, worry, and wish... still wishing I could just magically wake up in a world where the solution is easier to grasp and where people don't think twice about whether or not you really are what you are. For a while, I was unsure of what to do. Now, I can't help but feel sure, and that's what worries me. For one, we are living overseas right now, and there are no solid resources for me, except back home... and me returning to the states except for a visit would not only bring up a load of questions, but make it even harder on my wife. Of course, we've talked about that option a little, and she has agreed to help me get on my feet if that is something I have to do. But I would have to leave everything behind, and return to a place where I am unsure of how I would be received. None of my friends know, and if they did? I can't wager on their help right now. This really isn't a new story by any means, and I am not trying to make it unique... it's just a lot has been going through my mind. Pretty soon I have to make a choice, and none of what's on the table is looking all that easy, or all that fun.

Oh what to do, what to do :sad:

Sincerely,
Poetic

I'm guessing here ... so forgive me if I'm off base...

Sounds like your mainly a cross dresser who just had a nice long time to relax and enjoy your other side. Now that you have to go back to "regular life" you are worried about how you will handle not having an outlet for your feminine side ? Assuming that is close, I would suggest two things: try and find a CD/TG support group in your area and try and find a therapist who has experience in gender issues. Regardless of the why or the who of you, it is likely that you will find it hard to go back to little or no dressing. The support group (if there is one) may have social outings that could provide you with some "her time", while staying out of the way of your wife's discomfort. It goes without saying that you should communicated with your wife about such things though. Don't sneak around dressing when she doesn't know it.

You mention that the only other option seems to be returning to the US. Surely there are other options, maybe it will take some creative thinking or help from the therapist to discover those ideas. You didn't say how long you've been where you are - if not long, maybe there is more support there than you are aware of ? There are TG folks all over the world, it may just be that you've not met them there yet ?

Your wife sounds like she is supportive of you, but doesn't want to encounter the female side. As well it is clear you love her and need her in your life. Keeping that balance is hard, but well worth whatever effort you need to put out. Try and include her in the therapy (if you go that way), it could help her learn to accept some aspects of your feminine side.

Good luck to you !

Charlene

[Poetic Awakening]

Thanks.

Though I don't really consider myself a cross dresser, in that I feel the need to have that outlet in dressing or making myself up, and that enough. I do experience gender dysphoria, and frankly feel that I still have a lot of things to figure out. I'm sure there are some sort of resources here, but I really have no idea where to look. That is, other than going to a military doctor and dealing with all the awkwardness that brings with just a normal visit, and hoping for a proper referral to good civilian facilities. Then there's that language barrier... oigh.

I am just trying not to rush into anything, and make a rash decision that isn't necessary or unavoidable. My spouse wants everything under wraps, because it's not something you want going around with coworkers or family. But I also don't want to just try and forget about everything all together... as I have done that already, and it didn't help.

I will keep trying to find some sense of a foundation, or support system here. It might take a while, but it would be better than being completely alone. I don't want to move, if that can be helped.

Anyway, I am probably more or less just trying to blow some steam... so please be patient with me.

Poetic

[Sally2005]

How about just going to the military doctor and tell him you are having marriage issues and want someone to talk to? They don't have to know what the issues are just that you and your wife need help working through personality differences. In my experience...you almost have to work through gender issues on your own to really know what you need - a therapist can't tell you, but maybe they have some exercises or can support you to help you get there faster.

[Poetic Awakening]

Thanks, that is a good idea. We were actually going to see about marriage counseling when she got back, if we could. She only has three months, and will be very busy. So we will see.

Again, thank all of you for your advice.

Poetic

[Gerard]

I'm not sure if I am the right person to give advice. I just think you need to ask yourself a couple of questions. (you don't need to answer here)

- You you enjoy your marriage and do you love your wife?
- Do you enjoy being the male in your relationship?
- Do you enjoy a sexual relationship with your wife?
- You seem to be saying that deep down inside, you think you want to be a woman, not just a crossdresser. How sure are you of that? I've done some soulsearching myself, and found that deep down I'm just unhappy with what is expected of males in society in looks and behaviour, but that in the core I'm happy with my male body.

I think it's understandable that if you would become a woman, that your wife would have trouble fitting that into your marriage. What gender people are attracted to is kind of fundamental. At least it seems you and your wife have been honest.

It's a hard road to travel, I wish you strength. Only other thing I can say, is don't neglect your relationship if you value it, and be prepared to make sacrifices, it can be a wonderful thing to have.

I think that if your mind is clear that you do want to be a woman, then there is only one road to travel. If you are unsure, then explore your other options and try to find council and you might find a different solution that makes you happy and in a nice relationship.

[CharleneT]

Thanks.

... I do experience gender dysphoria, and frankly feel that I still have a lot of things to figure out. I'm sure there are some sort of resources here, but I really have no idea where to look.....


We can try and help in many ways, this little bit of the virtual world is good for that. Do keep searching in your area though, nothing here can replace the qualities of a 3D therapist.


....
I am just trying not to rush into anything, and make a rash decision that isn't necessary or unavoidable....

Anyway, I am probably more or less just trying to blow some steam... so please be patient with me.
Poetic

Patience we have in great quantities. :hugs:

Feel free to vent away and we'll try to help in any way we can. It is good that you aren't rushing, not a good way to deal with big issues.

I think that Gerard's ideas are very good and well stated. Thar's gold in them thar hills !