Looking for advice . . .

[rachelmncd]

Here is my situation . . . I am a closeted crossdresser and my wife doesn't know. Actually no one knows. I've been trying to get the courage up to tell my wife. A new scenario has popped up and my sister has decided to move to the same city as me.

I am very close to my sister and am considering coming out to her before my wife. Do you think that is a good idea? or should I tell my wife first?

The idea is that I am close to my sister and I was seeing this as an opportunity to "practice" handling questions and reactions. Please let me know what you think.

[Cole]

As I have come out to quite a few people in my life, my suggestion is that if you are truley that close to your sister, then you should tell her first. It will be good "practice" and she is direct blood so the likely hood of getting a negative reaction is less predominent. And as a note, before you tell your sister or your wife, make sure you know what you are going to say and have research/information already printed out ready to give to her. Good luck and ask anymore questions you may have. At the least, keep us updated!

[pattyv]

You are married to your wife not to your sister.You must tell your wife first. Be a man, and acknowledge your responsibilities are first to your wife and later have the courage to ask your wife to accept you for who you are.I know I sound cold, but honesty is paramount in a loving relationship.Be sensitive and kind when explaining, but above all be honest. Love overcomes all obstacles.Forgive my preachy tone.
Hugs.
Laura.

[yvonne10]

Here is my situation . . . I am a closeted crossdresser and my wife doesn't know. Actually no one knows. I've been trying to get the courage up to tell my wife. A new scenario has popped up and my sister has decided to move to the same city as me.

I am very close to my sister and am considering coming out to her before my wife. Do you think that is a good idea? or should I tell my wife first?

The idea is that I am close to my sister and I was seeing this as an opportunity to "practice" handling questions and reactions. Please let me know what you think.

tell your wife first if she finds out from someone else first she will be more upset than it comming from you

[dutch-anita]

tell your wife first!

[Tracy_Victoria]

tell your wife first!

Agree. it would be different if your sister already knew, but she doesn't, Therefore your fist loyalty is to your wife.

Also remember that it is difficult for some SO's to accept, or begin to accept what we do, therefore it may make it more difficult for her to try to accept it, if other people know about it, and certainly if they know before she does.

[Cole]

You are married to your wife not to your sister.You must tell your wife first. Be a man, and acknowledge your responsibilities are first to your wife and later have the courage to ask your wife to accept you for who you are.I know I sound cold, but honesty is paramount in a loving relationship.Be sensitive and kind when explaining, but above all be honest. Love overcomes all obstacles.Forgive my preachy tone.
Hugs.
Laura.

"Love overcomes all obstacles", I wish that was true. I have been in love, and I told her of my crossdressing, and lost her and my unborn daughter because of it. Love does not overcome. You cannot control how people think or what they believe in, you can only practice on what to say with the people that are closest to you since they are most likely to accept you, and then tell your significant other hoping that they will accept you or come to accept you after adjusting to the change.

[noeleena]

Hi...Rach
I told Jos my s o . 11 years ago . I would never have thought of telling any one other than Jos first . one said be a man .... well that never applyed to me as i am./ was not a real man . yet i had the guts to say i am a woman . your sis may be very accepting . just dont let your s o have it from some one else that will put distrust in your relationship . all the best
...noeleena...

[emmlouise]

If you feel more comfortable, talk to your sister first. I would just say that make sure your wife finds out from you, not anyone else.

[Philippa Jane]

Hi Rachel
I do hope you know your sister as well as you think you do as this could end in tears. Yours.
I have a younger sister who is very close to me even though we live 12.000 miles apart but in my case, she I believe is homophobic and would see cross dressing in the same light.
Now we all know that these are two different issues but just try explaining this to someone with a fixed and closed mind.
I never knew of my sisters views untill a few years ago, so just like some of us they are in the closet too.
Sound out your wife's views on cross dressing before you come clean.
Wishing you well with your decision.
Philipa Jane

[Cindy_Act]

My preference would be to tell my wife first. But whoever you tell, you should be prepared. You need to have all the answers to the questions you will be asked. Your wife will probably be quite shocked and will need plenty of support and assurances from you. She may want to talk to someone so find a good counseller just in case. There are some excellent sites and books available such as "My Husband Wears My Clothes by Penny Rudd"...Be prepared.

[Vicky_Scot]

Who to tell first!!!!

Sister? No

Wife? Most certainly you have to tell your wife first. Imagine how she would feel that you told your sister about tis significant part of your life before the woman your married to.

Xx Vicky xX

[Di]

Tell your wife first...
please DO NOT tell your sister first.....not only will your wive be upset you did not tell her for how long?.............she will be even more upset you confided in your sister before her.

[Marisa_M]

I think you should tell your wife first.

[Sandra]

Well if I was your wife and found out that you'd told your sister first, then I wouldn't be very pleased, and possibly your wife would feel the same.

Tell your wife first.

[Ras]

both have pros and cons...The wife would be VERY upset if your sister knew first, your sister may offer more understanding since she dos not have to be a participant. You might want to slowly break it to your wife and see her reaction before you jump in. Hopefully she will be supportive and accepting but we all know this is not the case every time sad to say.

[DinaMature]

If you feel more comfortable, talk to your sister first. I would just say that make sure your wife finds out from you, not anyone else.

Put in few words, I agree with this suggestion.

[sherri52]

Here is my situation . . . I am a closeted crossdresser and my wife doesn't know. Actually no one knows. I've been trying to get the courage up to tell my wife. A new scenario has popped up and my sister has decided to move to the same city as me.

I am very close to my sister and am considering coming out to her before my wife. Do you think that is a good idea? or should I tell my wife first?

The idea is that I am close to my sister and I was seeing this as an opportunity to "practice" handling questions and reactions. Please let me know what you think.

It just may be the time for you to come out. Your sister is your sister forever. If you are close enough tell her first, she may be able to give you a better direction to tell your wife. I have lost two wives due to crossdressing but never lost a sister.

[Stephanie Stephens]

Tell your wife first. She would not want to be 2nd place in your life or feel that way. You can still tell your sis after without upsetting her.

[Jan Michell Collins]

TELL THE WIFE FIRST!!!!!!!!!!
and have all your duck in a row when you tell her
Don't go throgh life in termoil

[TJ Tresa]

If I had a sister she would have known long before now as I would enlisted her help years ago to achieve the right female image for me. So I believe that you should tell your wife first, she might not be comfortable with your sister knowing. She might be more accepting if she knows, or least thinks that nobody else knows. Tread lightly, and be cautious. remember that the woman you LOVE and are married to does not need to be hurt, nor embarassed. so I would tell her first.

[MichelleP]

Hi Rachel,

Tell your wife first. Your previous experience has no bearing on how your present wife will choose to react, good or bad. However, your wife finding out that someone else was told of this revelation before her for "practice" or because "you're close to your sister" or for whatever reason would be looked upon as a lack of confidence in your wife. It would only further complicate the issue and for your wife's benefit, she may wish to keep the issue of your dressing between you and her until such time that she is more comfortable.

Good Luck and please let us know how it goes.

Michelle

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

Coming out to your sister first will indeed allow you to test yourself in terms of your ability to deliver the news and answer the barrage of questions sure to follow. Needless to say, your sister and wife hold two very different relationships in your life. Their reaction may be very different and for different reasons.

Before you tell anyone, you had better make certain that you are confident enough in who you are and prepared for the tough questions and potential offers to "get you the help you need", if you know what I mean. Remember that you're sharing this part of your life - this gift you have, NOT some condition or sickness or affliction that you suffer from. How you present this information to your wife (or whoever) will have an affect on how they handle the news.

There is some good information in this article (http://www.mycdlife.com/2009/05/how-to-tell-your-wife-youre-a-crossdresser) about how to prepare for telling your wife. I suggest you give it a read and do some thorough thinking. You only get to come out to your wife once - make it count; do it right.

Good luck, Rachel. :)

[Melissa A.]

Ok, this ain't a great situation to begin with, seeing as you didnt tell your wife before you married, but I realise you aren't alone, there. It happens. Fear is a strong thing, especially for closeted transpeople of any stripe who haven't accepted who they are, yet.

But I am going to go against the grain, here....Yes, you're married to your wife, not your sister. This is true. And if she found out you told your sister, this late, before you told her, she might have a problem with that...maybe. However, You have known your sister alot longer, and the bond you and your wife share notwithstanding, she probably knows you a bit better(I say this knowing all families are different). Sometimes, siblings know you better than anyone else, and although spouse's may come and go, brothers and sisters will never change. You're stuck with eachother. Your sister may not only know you better, she also may be able to distance herself from the situation and be a little more objective, not being your wife. And as a genetic woman, may also be capable of giving you some advice on how to deal with this. Just something to think about. I guess it depends on the kind of person your sister is, and your relationship with her. And look-you've already kept this from your wife for quite a while. She might end up being pretty pissed off about that. But if I were her, I'm not sure I would be so angry that you confided in your sister first, so long as you didnt wait too long before telling me afterwards. In the end, I would hope she realises saying anything at all was a big, although necessary, step. To get really upset over how it's done is kinda secondary to me, in the big picture. Just another perspective.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[docrobbysherry]

Halloween is coming soon! Maybe if u just dress up as Rachel, u won't have to tell EITHER of them! They'll know when they see u!:heehee:

[Joanne f]

When you married your wife i assume that you made a commitment to her so you tell your wife first, and i assume that you would want your wife to tell you something first .

[pattyv]

"Love overcomes all obstacles", I wish that was true. I have been in love, and I told her of my crossdressing, and lost her and my unborn daughter because of it. Love does not overcome. You cannot control how people think or what they believe in, you can only practice on what to say with the people that are closest to you since they are most likely to accept you, and then tell your significant other hoping that they will accept you or come to accept you after adjusting to the change.

OK-how about "true love" overcomes all obstacles? Sorry about your loss.