Therapist suggests that I go out en femme

[Kerigirl2009]

:) I recently started going to a therapist at the U of M sexual Health clinic. First off I started going because I told my wife that I am a crossdresser, and it is more for her than myself. I am totally happy with myself. well I just had my first solo meeting with him and he made a few suggestions

#1 Try wearing mens underwear to see how it affects my mood?
#2 Find an alternate place to dress
#3 Go out en femme (completely dressed once a week)

So try explaining this to your wife who is not completely acceptable and has never seen me dressed.

The mens underwear, just can't do it They are so ugly to me and I hate them
so I assume that my mood would be horrible.

An alternate place to dress, such as a unisex lockerroom at the YMCA (his suggestion) I think I would be asked to leave but would love to do this, just not at my families YMCA as my kids go all the time.

Go out en femme, I love the idea of this
He is suggesting this because he believes that I am wearing my panties 24/7 because I cannot dress as much as I want to so I am compensating for innadequacies in the amount of time that I dress.
I think he is correct here, What do you think, I would love to hear your opinions.:) Keri

[Fab Karen]

Be clear on why you're seeing the therapist- to understand yourself better, or to work out the situation with your wife. ( Freud would note that you said she's "not completely acceptable" when you meant she's not ACCEPTING )

[TSchapes]

you find a support group to attend. I am sure there is one by where you live. Or, if you can swing it (money wise that is) to attend one of the many TG conferences that occur throughout the year.

I'm not too keen on the YMCA idea, some of the girls here dress in thier car or get a hotel room if you are not allowed to dress up at home. Of course that could be a negotiating point with your wife. For example, as long as she doesn't have to see you and the kids can't see you dressed, can you dress at home?

Hope this helps. :hugs:

-Tracy

[JenniferR771]

Shop around--you need a real gender therapist. Going to this guy will not fix your wife.
My situation didn't improve after I saw a counselor who was not qualified.

[Ras]

determine why it is your seeing the therapist. is it for you or your wife. If it is for her, then she should attend as well. If it is for you, what do you hope to accomplish? Better understanding on why you dress? Permission to dress in private or public? Decide how far you wish to take the dressing and/or transition?

Just some thoughts

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Keri-

I was just about to respond with more or less what Jennifer said. I get the feeling your therapist doesn't specialize in gender issues and is just kind of shooting from the hip. I'd look for someone else. That whole wear male underwear thing just sounds silly and the dress somewhere else, like a YMCA locker room, sounds potentially embarassing and even dangerous.

And, fwiw, if you can get your wife involved in the counseling/therapy thing, that would probably be good for both of you. Good luck, dear.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[sherri52]

I agree men's underwear are ugly.
Exactly were is a safe place to dress other than home.
Do the right thing. Tell your wife what he said or even bring her to your next visit. If she doesn't know about the crossdressing you might want to tell her first. I went to my wife's councilor and she (phys) was on my side about the crossdressing.

[Angie G]

Get a new Therapist who knows about cross-dressing. You wife could use some also. She need to understand this is not something we just do. She needs to know it's who you are. IMHO dressing is therapy.:hugs:
Angie

[TGMarla]

I think you're a crossdresser, and that's why you wear women's underwear. I think you're finding justifications to negate the therapist's first two suggestions, although I admit that not all suggestions are workable. And finally, while I fully support your going out fully en femme, I think you're taking advantage of the therapist's suggestion to do so despite your wife's objections. I suggest you proceed carefully, or you'll only wind up pissing her off more than she is already.

[Jan Michell Collins]

The first time my wife cought me dressed she made the big deal about going to a therapist witch I did to apeas her. The therapist I went to, I realy don't know if she was a gender speachaltyor not, but we had many realy good conversations about me and what my life ment to me, and what dressing did for me. The hard part was telling my wife what she said about my dressing lol!!!!She (the therapist) said that if dressing was good for me then its good. If the wife didn't like it then she was the one with the problem and she needed to see a therapist. I didn't tell her untill a few months ago when I got cought dressing once more. I think she's ok with it (my dressing ) but I realy don't know. When ever I try to talk about it she changes the subject.
Well something elese we need to discuss at lenght. well I guess Iv'e said enought LOL see ya'll later

[Stacye Rose]

If you're going to dismiss the things the therapist suggests that you don't like and put into practice only those you do like then you are wasting your time as well as the therapist's and your wife's.:2c:

[TJ Tresa]

I am not sure I agree with your therapist, I wear panties almost all the time, and since I have been layed off from work and haven't worked since the first of the year I have been dresseing about all day everyday. Which my wife is fine with. so I don't think that going out enfemme will help you stop wearring panties. However, please keep in mind I am not a proffesional shrink, so take my .02 for what it is worth -- about 1/2 a cent.
Good luck with your decisions.
Oh, by the way I happen to agree with Miss Stacye Rose, you really cain't pick the things you are going to agree with and dismiss the others. think about it, Hug from TJ Tresa

[Melissa A.]

Ask him if you can dress in his office. :)

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[MichelleP]

Hi Keri,

First off, you need to clarify your situation in your own mind. Is going to a therapist to help you or to really appease your wife?

If you are going for you, my suggestion is to find a therapist who specializes in gender issues. It sounds like during your recent visit with this therapist, his suggestions were very generally to help you find out more about yourself (which is common procedure). The "how does your mood change while wearing mens clothes" is a common general therapy approach (insert whatever trigger you want here - e.g. for a fear of flying - How does your mood change when you go near an airport?). The "find an alternate place to dress" suggestion is somewhat troublesome to me - not because its not a good idea but because the whole YMCA thing can as stated above, be dangerous because its a public place. Find a hotel room or completely private place where you can dress on your own terms and not be bothered. Going out in femme is also a good suggestion but only if your are at that stage of your dressing and feel comfortable about it. You should not feel forced to go out en femme.

Finally if your wife's acceptance of you is at issue here, then your wife should be the one to embrace counseling together with you as a means to understand you better. From first-hand experience I can tell you that if your wife believes that you are going to counseling to get "cured" for her she will be dissapointed. It sounds as though she would benefit from therapy to understand you and what you do more fully. The bottom line is, one can't attend therapy for someone else.

Good luck,

Michelle

[Rachel Morley]

Go out en femme, I love the idea of this. He is suggesting this because he believes that I am wearing my panties 24/7 because I cannot dress as much as I want to so I am compensating for inadequacies in the amount of time that I dress.
That sounds like he belives that if you dress fully en femme enough, you are going to be ok with male underwear when you're in boy mode. I highly doubt this ... especially going on your current revulsion of it. For me, even if I dressed almost every day, I still would not want wear male underwear. I think he's got it wrong.


Going to this guy will not fix your wife. My situation didn't improve after I saw a counselor who was not qualified. I agree. It's almost like he's suggesting if you dress enough on your own you'll "get it out of your system". Your wife should be part of these discussions so that you can dress (within her boundaries) at home. :2c:

[docrobbysherry]

determine why it is your seeing the therapist. is it for you or your wife. If it is for her, then she should attend as well. If it is for you, what do you hope to accomplish? Better understanding on why you dress? Permission to dress in private or public? Decide how far you wish to take the dressing and/or transition?

Just some thoughts


I think you're a crossdresser, and that's why you wear women's underwear. I think you're finding justifications to negate the therapist's first two suggestions, although I admit that not all suggestions are workable. And finally, while I fully support your going out fully en femme, I think you're taking advantage of the therapist's suggestion to do so despite your wife's objections. I suggest you proceed carefully, or you'll only wind up pissing her off more than she is already.

Sounds like you're playing around with this whole "therapist" thing! If u don't really care about your marriage, then that's fine! :sad:
But, if u do, bring your wife along, to all appointments, from NOW ON!:straightface:

[Sally2005]

What I read between the lines from the therapist is they are trying to figure out what CDing means to you. Based on my experience CDing, I think you will learn a lot about yourself if you experience the things you are so far too scared to try. Your wife is a separate issue, don't do stuff just to apease her. I think you just need to talk with her to reach some sort of comfort level. If you can dress at home when she is not there then try that and just wear something to cover up when you leave the house so the neighbors don't see (assuming your wife would have an issue with the neighbors knowing). I don't think I would use the YMCA unless I could change in about 5 minutes...but it is not that bad an idea (depending on how busy/private the change room is).

[BritneyLynn]

you find a support group to attend. I am sure there is one by where you live. Or, if you can swing it (money wise that is) to attend one of the many TG conferences that occur throughout the year.

I'm not too keen on the YMCA idea, some of the girls here dress in thier car or get a hotel room if you are not allowed to dress up at home. Of course that could be a negotiating point with your wife. For example, as long as she doesn't have to see you and the kids can't see you dressed, can you dress at home?

Hope this helps. :hugs:

-TracyDepending on what you intend to change, using an automobile as a changing room might be an invitation for a public indecency charge. This might apply even more in jurisdictions that limit the amount of tinting on car windows (helps police detect dangerous resistance during traffic stops). At the minimum underdress at home and only change shoes and outerwear in the car.

[Mandyflcd]

I may be off base here but from what you said, it sounds like your wife wanted you to go to a therapist so that you would be "fixed" and stop dressing. Why else would you go to a therapist if you are fine with it? My advice would be to have a long discussion with your wife so you both know where each other stands and what each other expects for the future. Then and only then can you determine who needs to seek counseling.

[Kerigirl2009]

Thanks for the input you have shared,
Ok the reason I am going to a therapist, is for my wife, I am perfectly happy with how my life is going, The idea of seeing a therapist was mine, for the purpose of getting my wife to understand more of who I am. We did go to the first meeting together. Now this meeting by myself I believe is so I can learn more about myself.
I am not picking and choosing what this therapist is suggesting that I do. Before I go out en femme I would discuss this with my wife completely, as for wearing mens underwear I think that it is more of denying myself the pleasure that I associate with womens panties.
The therapist is suppose to be a qualified CD therapist, according to the UofM
I believe that once the therapist learns more about me, he will include my wife, although I am telling her everything anyways. Again thanks for your input.

[Nicole Brown]

Hi Keri,

I also have been going to a therapist and it was also at my wife's request. This all began because I made what I now consider a very serious 'mistake' and provided my wife with an honest answer to a question which she was unable to deal with. My wife knows about my dressing, but does not accept nor understand it. She insisted that I go and get help so that I would stop doing this "silly" thing. The question that I answered that started this whole thing was: "Have you ever gone out of the house full dressed?" I answered honestly by saying that I have been going out fully dressed for almost the past 2 years.

The sessions began with my therapist trying to determine if this was just a phase I was going thru, or if it was for real. Since he now understand that I have been dressing for over 50 years, he realizes that it is the real thing. After several months of weekly sessions, my therapist informed me that he wanted to meet Nicole and a session was scheduled for a time when I could attend as Nicole. That was almost 3 months ago and each visit since then has been as Nicole. Each Thursday has become the most wonderful time of the week for me as I get to be 'myself' from 8 AM until 4 PM.

The sessions have greatly helped me in better understanding myself and understanding that I have to try and think of my needs as much as I think of my wife's needs and wants. We are both at an age where our children are grown and on their own, so they are not a direct issue. I have always put my wife's wants and needs before my own and have always put her first. Now I am beginning, with my therapist's help, to understand what I have been doing to myself.

My therapist has recommended that we have a session with both my wife and Nicole meeting for the first time, my wife's stance has consistently been 'no way'. I have now reached the point where I am beginning to realize that my life is a game of give and take, I give and she takes. My therapist is now beginning to counsel me to understand that this is nearing the point where I will have to decide between a life with my wife or a life as Nicole and this is not a decision I am looking forward to making because I know someone is going to get very hurt in the long run.

Keri, be honest with yourself and your needs. Don't be quick to decide what is the proper or correct thing to do and don't be pressured to make a choice that will cause you to be unhappy as an outcome. By working with my therapist, I have discovered that Nicole has become the major part of me and that my happiness is found during the times that I can be her. With my wife's inability, or lack of desire, to understand my needs, she is putting us both in a position that will potentially leave her a very unhappy individual.

My therapist says to be honest with myself and to use this honesty to determine the right path for me to follow. He believes that I should become Nicole 24/7 as this is when I am happy. He also feels that I have to start putting myself first. Please think carefully when you make your choice and let your heart guide you.

Nicole

[Sarasometimes]

Shop around--you need a real gender therapist. Going to this guy will not fix your wife.
My situation didn't improve after I saw a counselor who was not qualified.
Check out his cedentials. The recommendation that you dress may be a good one but that should be decided over the course of a few sessions. He needs to understand you and your situation. By him suggestinng the Y makes me think he may not havea lot of TG knowledge. I spent way too much money training therapist till I found a place that specializes in TG?CD therapy. Now i use that term because it helps me understand who i am and where I am going as well as how to integrate Sara into my current situation. has he sugested you come to therapy dressed/ I would think this could give him a better incite as to who you are when dressed. MHO

[Roxy Reid]

It's not right that you should use your therapist's advice to justify going out en femme to your wife saying that that is the goal he set you if you are not willing to take on board his other suggestions and try the men's underwear

[Kerigirl2009]

Ok what I was looking for was if anyone has had this said to them by a therapist. I am not using the therapist as an excuse to dress. Oh by the way I am wearing my mens underwear today. So far nothing different just think about it more. As far as going out the only way I will consider going out is with my wifes approval. This is my goal with my wife and if a therapist can help me get to that point GREAT. This is just the beginning, But I hope I am on the correct path. My wife and family are very important to me, but so is Keri.
I have told my wife I do not wish to stop dressing, and actually I have told her I would like to dress more often. I have been doing alot a thinking lately and I am just looking for some outside input. Sorry I think I am a little edgey after reading some of the comments, I guess the thing is I am NOT looking for excuses to dress, just acceptance.

[Tina P Hose]

Hmmmm, me thinks. That the guy could be a :banana: I seldom dress in panties under my male get up. But love to dress at home. I find men sexualy totally repulsive. But I find A pretty CD alluring, more than likely because I wish to look like her. Also, I have stabbed my mothers baby photo :2c::drink:with a knife 100 times....just kidding

[carhill2mn]

Hi Keri,
I am also from the Twin Cities and am a U of M grad. The "U" has a good reputation of dealing with gender issues however, I am not so sure that the therapist that you are seeing is really qualified to deal with CD issues. Based upon what you have stated as to his recommendations, I fail to see what he is trying to accomplish.
Many CDs never go beyond wearing panties under their male clothes. Some CDs rent a motel room so that they can "dress". Others join a group such as Tri-Ess in order to have a safe place in which to dress. Some work out an arrangement with their spouse
to have some "alone" time. As to going "out in public" en femme, this is a rather big step for most of us and requires some preparation and planning.
IMHO if you are comfortable with your CDing, you are wasting your money and time seeing a therapist. Usually one sees a therapist to better understand something about themselves. Doing it to appease your wife is unlikely to produce any real results. Attending therapy with your wife could be beneficial but only if she were willing and able to understand more about your CDing.
I wish you good luck on this journey.

[mklinden2010]

I think your therapist is on something like the right track with you - especially since you like the idea of dressing in public.

He suggested some things you could do and you can give them a try and see what you think. Wear mens' underwear? Sure, give it a little time and see what happens. Dress as a woman more often? Sure, why not add an extra hour here and there? Actually go out in public? Again, why not give a try? You need to find your own comfort level and you need to figure out what works for you... Learn by doing.

By the way, please don't spring this on the poor YMCA staff without checking in with them first. Give them a chance to say, "Oh, OK... You don't really have to ask, but thanks for the heads up." Or, let them say, "Gee, would you like to use this other room until you get comfortable with all this?" Actually, they might already have a policy for/against this sort of thing and you don't want to find out about it the hard way. Easier on everyone just to be polite about it.

Dressing at home, or, at a hotel, is probably a lot easier, of course, and you really need to make it a goal, if you want to be more yourself, to start and end there - like you normally do.

As for your wife... Well, we've all been there. And, it's a learning curve for everybody.

Good luck.

[VtVicky]

Keri.

There have been some excellent posts so far, regarding the question of your therapist. Some of the posts have criticized the advice you were given. And then, some of the writers said that they weren't professional therapists, and so, you should take their comments with a grain of salt.

I have been a "professional therapist" for over 30 years. If someone gave you that advice after seeing you once or twice, you can no longer trust anything else they say. That person needs some serious supervision.

You need to either find a new therapist, or rethink therapy at all. If you are going only at the urging of your wife, she needs to be involved.

I'm a big fan of psychotherapy. But, it needs to be managed properly by a pro.

[dana55]

if he suggested it then i say go out an do it..have fun! youll love it.

[Kerigirl2009]

Thanks again for all the comments, I did make it thru the day in my own underwear, YEA. I can do it but I did find myself thinking about them all day long, made for a long day, but anyways I made it without any different feeling only thoughts. I am also going to the counselor because I want to, maybe it will help me realize some things about myself, and make it easier to talk with my wife. I did mention to the counselor that I would like for my wife to be involved in this process, so this is something that should change soon. I don't plan on going out en femme anytime soon however, This will have to wait until my wife is ok with me going out dressed. Plus I don't really have any outfits of my own. I would definately need some casual everyday clothing. I do plan to go shopping though. As far as an alternative place to dress not really interested in this as if I do dress, I would probably rent a room at a local hotel. Again thanks
I will post again about my next visit with the therapist. I understand what he is looking for from me, and will continue to see him for a bit however I will ask him about how many others he has seen about CD.

[docrobbysherry]

I have always put my wife's wants and needs before my own and have always put her first. Now I am beginning, with my therapist's help, to understand what I have been doing to myself.

I have now reached the point where I am beginning to realize that my life is a game of give and take, I give and she takes. My therapist is now beginning to counsel me to understand that this is nearing the point where I will have to decide between a life with my wife or a life as Nicole and this is not a decision I am looking forward to making because I know someone is going to get very hurt in the long run.



My therapist says to be honest with myself and to use this honesty to determine the right path for me to follow. He believes that I should become Nicole 24/7 as this is when I am happy. He also feels that I have to start putting myself first. Please think carefully when you make your choice and let your heart guide you.Nicole

To be faced with a choice of living your life happily, being who u feel u REALLY r! And thereby breaking up a life long partnership!:sad:

Or staying in a partnership where u r BOTH comfortable, but NEITHER of u IS HAPPY!:doh:

There is a LESSON here for A LOT OF U MARRIED GIRLS!

From my married, then divorced experience, I'll say that divorce can be a shattering event for u and your family!

But, the hurt eventually passes and the wounds heal! 10 years later, my ex and I r BOTH much happier now, than we were in the final years of our marriage!:)

The LESSON here is: if one partner is UNHAPPY, the OTHER partner eventually will be, too!:sad:

U folks that r doing what Nicole did, staying and sacrificing yourself for your SO. I don't believe you're doing EITHER U, or your SO, any favors! :thumbsdn:

[linnea]

determine why it is your seeing the therapist. is it for you or your wife. If it is for her, then she should attend as well. If it is for you, what do you hope to accomplish? Better understanding on why you dress? Permission to dress in private or public? Decide how far you wish to take the dressing and/or transition?

Just some thoughts

I think that the above thoughts are good ones. I sense quite a bit of ambiguity in your comments regarding why you are seeing the therapist and what is meant by finding alternative places to dress (does that mean places other than home so that your wife and children will not see you when you are dress en femme or something else).

[HunkyDory]

Keri,

Tough thread. Seems there are a lot of voiced opinions here from both sides. Not sure what I can add that may make a difference to YOU but your topic was compelling to read.

I just started to see a therapist as well. My first session was really a fact finding mission, me evaluating the therapist, her trying to get a handle on what I am dealing with. No strong advice or therapeutic activities were prescribed at that time. And I don't know if I would have the guts right now to follow your therapist's 3rd recommendation.


I started going (to see a therapist) because I told my wife that I am a crossdresser, and it is more for her than myself. I am totally happy with myself.... So try explaining this to your wife who is not completely acceptable and has never seen me dressed.

You are happy with yourself and comfortable with dressing. So why the therapist? Not sure I read into your recent replies as to what you were trying to accomplish for your wife's sake. But people pointed out that your wife may need a support group or her to see a therapist for dealing with your newly outed lifestyle. I agree.


I guess the thing is I am NOT looking for excuses to dress, just acceptance.

I think you have found that we all accept you here in the forum. You stated your family was important to you and I suspect you ultimately wish to be fully accepted by your wife.

If your wife is uncomfortable with your dressing it will impact your marriage and your happiness (of course). You need to find out where your wife's boundries are and figure out if you both can reach an agreement about your dressing that she truly is comfortable with and makes you feel accepted and happy. And you will need to continue to maintain an open dialogue with her about your lifestyle.

Hopefully she can become more accepting of your lifestyle and realize that she doesn't have to be threatened by it. It will take time, patience, love and support from you and maybe others. You opened up to her so now is the time to be truthful. And don't forget to listen to her too. But prepare yourself that she may not be able to accept this either. Even though she may still love you it may be too much for her to deal with.

Hoping for the best for both of you and a happy outcome.

Good luck.

HD

[Ashley_in_Texas]

If a therapist gives you 3 things to do, and you chose not to do 2 of them, so what. It's a therapist, not GOD. Just because it comes out of a therapists mouth, doesn't make it good advice.:2c: