Terrible dilemma, advice please!

[Rachel Ann]

Hi girls

As I have mentioned here before, my son is the light of my life, and since his mom’s passing, we, for each other, are all we have left.

He has been a wonderful son, and recently surprised me by inviting me to move in with him once I am out of my present situation! I mean, how many 34 yo’s want to live with Dad?

OK, my problem is this: I have kept my secret from everyone since before he was born. I don’t see how we could share an apartment without his eventually catching on. Part of me thinks that I should tell him up front rather than have him stumble upon it.

On the other hand, if he had a negative reaction, I would be heartbroken – not for my girl self, but because we have such a wonderful relationship that I depend on now.

I have considered trying to talk to him via his shrink, but then I would have to ask him who s/he is, and for his permission – and he would surely smell a rat at that.

Even if I begged the question by just declining his offer, he would be very hurt and that would be a problem as well. Do I just shove Rachel back in to the closet for a while? I already promised her that I would never do that again.

If there are any Ann Landers types out there, PLEASE tell me what you think I should do.

Love

Rachel xxx

[Deborah]

Oh lord!!
Yes i can see your problem but i'm not very good at advice.
I wish you the best and hope it all works out for you. :)

[Tristen Cox]

34 years is a long time. Once you open yourself it's irreversable. How bad could it be to compromise yourself for the sake of keeping on good terms? It could turn out to be fine( not thinking like a pessimist ). However can you risk losing that bond and deal with the aftermath?

Just things I would be thinking about.

[Ibuki_Warpetal]

You've only got one son, and one truth to be told.
Make it count.

[Darlene.]

34 years is a long time. However can you risk losing that bond and deal with the aftermath?
Just things I would be thinking about.

Personally I would advise you that it is time to have that father to son talk that you have put off all of these years. But not without listening to Tristens advice. And being able to accept the results.

Darlene.

[norbie]

Oh Dear Rachel,
Yes this will be the greatest hurdle in your life. It sadens me because in all other Forums you have great answers because of studies of books and so on. Especialy in our Religious Forum.
Why I write this? Because for your decision there is no books or anything else - just let your heart speak.
Anyway you wanted some advise some ideas. Well this is how I would go, but only MY thought, maybe one in many:
'My dear Son, I would be so happy if we could live together because I do love you very much. - But to do this I must share a 30 year secret with you and you must think it over first. If you say yes or no it will not make any change in loving you. I am cross dressing and I love it and live for it. No I don't want a sex change, and I am not homosexual. I just enjoy wearing womans clothes. Thats my secret my boy, if you can live with this I would be so happy to be together with you. Don't say anything now, think it over.'
Well Dear Rachel this is only my thought, I am sure you will make the right move. I pray for you and wish you a happy ending.
Your Norbie

[eleventhdr]

Ann Landers would tell you to tell him flat out that's why she was Ann Landers.. she was very good at that since she had been doing that advice column since the mid 1950's. Just a thought on the passing scene. Suzy!.

[Nisha]

Dear Rachel Ann,

You have a dilemma here - your emotional bond with your son and your nature to crossdress. That is the main issue.

I wouldn't suggest that you open up with your son *unless* you are 100% comfortable with its consequences. Else it would be devastating to both of you, especially you. I also do not suggest keeping it a secret when you have moved in with him. That would be too stressful for you.

My suggestion is that you don't move in with him. And continue the relationship that you have with a different angle. Consider opening up with him without moving in with him. When you are finally able to open up, you need to establish and develop that new relationship. If you still are living separately, you will have time to do that without any pressure and stress. And he will have the time and space to absorb the impact and make adjustment that he needs to.

I hope and pray that everything work out for you.

- Nisha.

[Sharon]

As I have mentioned here before, my son is the light of my life, and since his mom’s passing, we, for each other, are all we have left.

If your son won't accept you, Rachel, who will?

OK, my problem is this: I have kept my secret from everyone since before he was born. I don’t see how we could share an apartment without his eventually catching on. Part of me thinks that I should tell him up front rather than have him stumble upon it.

Definitely the preferable way to handle this. You can choose when and how you tell your son, but you have no control if he discovers it on his own.

On the other hand, if he had a negative reaction, I would be heartbroken – not for my girl self, but because we have such a wonderful relationship that I depend on now.

The deeper the love, the greater potential there is for undesired emotions. How well do you trust your son? If he is anything like his old man, he will be fine with it, but it may take a lot of soul searching on his part. Talk with him, Rachel. Sit him down, pour him a beer if he drinks, and carefully, slowly explain that you are still the same person you have always been. Answer his questions and keep your cool if he gets upset.
I have recently told my son and, although I'm sure everything will be fine eventually, it's a bit rough now. He's questioning (inwardly) everything about how he was raised and who this guy is that he has spent a lifetime with (he's the same approximate age as your son). He's a good man though, and he has never wavered in saying the right thing to me, which is why I have faith he will come around.

I have considered trying to talk to him via his shrink, but then I would have to ask him who s/he is, and for his permission – and he would surely smell a rat at that.

My initial reaction is that this is a bad idea, but I have no knowledge of your son and why he is seeing "a shrink."

Good luck!! :hugs:

[norbie]

So well said Dear Sharon!

[Lady Jayne]

Hi Rachel,

You don’t say what your “present situation” is but my advice for what it’s worth, give your son a big hug and tell him your so touched by his offer and he is “the light of your life” but you can’t live with him. Explain to him that you are both adult males (sorry) and as such, as close as you are you will have different outlooks on life and different expectations. Explain that These differences are easy to overlook or accept when you can go home close a door and say well its your life but when your living in each others pockets they can soon develop into issues and you could not bare it if your special bond was put under strain because of some stupid little miss understanding.

Unfortunatly it is human nature that we become complacent with the ones that we are so close to. As much as you love him if you tried to live with him and had to compromise your true self you would end up resenting the fact that you can’t be you, At the moment , you’re the father and he is the son and you both have your roles to play, even if Rachel wasn’t a factor if you move into his home those roles would have to change and so would your relationship. Add to that Rachel and all that being her involves and I’m sure you’ll realise that a little hurt now will be for less damaging in the long run.

Obviously this is just my opinion and only you can know what is best for you.

Good luck in what ever you decide to do.

Love Jayne xxx

[Amelie]

I am hard pressed to give advise, I don't have kids, so I don't know this bondship you have with your son. As others have already said, it all depends on your relationship to your son. You know how your son is going to react. And if you know that your son will react badly, then it's best to not make things bad for the both of you. Put Racheal away until you can get your own place.

The only similar experience that I have had was when my brothers and sisters first knew about me. They didn't like it, we had arguements. So, I chose to live my life my way. I chose my life-style over my family. We don't talk to each other much, only when needed. This might not happen to you, but it is a possibilty that could happen. I don't regret my choice.

[celeste26]

I'm with Lady Jane the relationship will not suffer horribly if you choose to remain outside of your son's living spaces, whereas it has potential for disaster if you penetrate the personal space and then he finds out.


There needs to be a boundry between you and your son (not a big one though) one that allows for mutual friendship and love but one that honors your differences "Good fences make good neighbors." Which doesn't mean you can't be close, just not in each others pockets. Checkout co-dependency.

[Lauren_T]

Hi, Rachel Ann -
I might be able to offer you a word or two that may or may not be useful, but it would help a great deal to know a few details.

What kind of person is he, generally? I mean, is he (fr'instance) a liberal, secular, nonconformist sort, or is he more toward the conservative, religious, conventional side of the spectrum? What sort of views has he expressed throughout his life on sex-role stereotypes, feminism, minority rights? Without some sort of general indication of where he's coming from, it's hard to advise you which way you might go.

Also, how close are you? Like, do you normally confide in and consult with one another on life issues? Normally, how involved are each of you in the other's life?

I personally think there's no substitute for family, and that openness and honesty between family members work out for the best in the long run. (But try telling that to some of MY family!) As I see it, you should start with the fact that you have a close and irreplaceable relationship with him and want that to continue (naturally). So will your revelation to him impact that relationship? Of course. Negatively? That's the question. Paint us a sort of general picture of what he's like and your parent/offspring dynamic and maybe your path will be clearer.





.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

once again..........in the first week of meeting my now wife i showed her im a crossdresser and our son grew up around his dad wearing pantyhose heels and skirts,,,, hes 11 and doesnt mind the pantyhose but hes not comfy with dad bein all dressed up,,,,, but the point is HE KNOWS,,,,,,,,,, in fact everyone who knows me knows i dress :D

its part of what makes us US, and it CANT remain hidden forever because all ur doing is lieing to urself.......


p.s. ur son might be a cd also u NEVER KNOW :p

[Jenny Beth]

Moving in with your son and having to put Rachel in the closet is no doubt going to be extremely difficult. Unless you purge he is going to find out and we all know purging doesn't work. I have to agree with many here, your best option is to have your own space. If you choose to come out to him then do so before moving in. I wish you luck in finding a solution.

[ChristineRenee]

Hi Rachel,

My thoughts on this are that if you are going to move in with him, you should tell him prior to the move. As was said earlier...if you can't tell him...who can you tell? I think it would be far worse to move in and hide Rachel and then to have your son find out after the fact. I think the emotional impact of that would be far worse and have far more consequences than if you had just told him up front to begin with.

The other option you have of course is to just decline to move in and you have already stated that he would be very hurt by that. It's a tough decision to be sure, but I think being honest and upfront with him here is the best way in the long run to go here.

Whatever you decide to do I wish only the best for the both of you Rachel.:hugs:

Love,
Chrissie:)

[jenniferluv]

Oh, Rachel, tough indeed. i am married and my wife knows about me. the hardest part of it all was telling her as it turned out. My wife told our daughter.....without my knowledge. she told me that our daughter didn't even flinch other than to ask her mom to ask me not to dress when she was around. I know that doesn't come to close to your situation but one small fact tends to stand out. she didn't even flinch.....I think kids, regardless of their age tend to be more accepting of their parents "behavior" than we parents give them credit for. after all they are (in this case) adults who have been out in the world for some time. If you decide to tell him i would suggest not blurting out "i'm a crossdresser"! ease into the situation a little first. mabe get a discussion going about gays and add a comment about how you didn't realize that cd's were not all gay as you had once supposed. etc. etc. etc. from there. at any rate I wish you the best of luck with this problem and do really hope that it ends well for both of you...jenny

[GypsyKaren]

I can't tell you what to do, all I can say is that I recently told my 31 year old son about me, and he is very cool with it all. As a matter of fact, I am amazed at the reactions I've been getting from all the people I've come out to. I was so nervous about it, but everyone is quite happy for me. Your son obviously loves you, so I don't think he'll think of you any less if you share your secret with him.
GypsyKaren

[Ariel]

Rachel, I am so sorry that you are having this problem. I wish there were some advise that I could give you, but alas, I am stumped. I don't think that I could live with myself if the wrong advise were given, and the relationship between you and your son were lost. I would never be able to get the thought out of my mind that I was the cause of it happening. I know that the relationship between my sons and I is so precious to me, that I don't think that I will ever tell them, because I want in no way to jepordise those relationships. I do wish you the best, and know that you will make the right choice, at the right time. You have my heart felt sympathies, and I hope and pray that everything works out for you.

Hugs,
Ariel

[Maude]

I am hard pressed to give advise, I don't have kids, so I don't know this bondship you have with your son.
chose to live my life my way. I chose my life-style over my family. . I don't regret my choice.

i picked the parts of amelie's post that apply to my life !

but for me: i never got in trouble telling the truth !

maude

[Dixie Darling]

Rachel Ann,

Others here have provided you with some sound advice. Something to think about is whether or not you COULD live with your son without telling him. We all know how strong the crossdressing influence is and it is very doubtful that Rachel could remain hidden for very long.

One approach you might want to consider is securing a couple of movies that include or deal with crossdressing and invite him to come over and view them with you. Just say that you've rented a couple of movies and you thought it would be nice to enjoy them together. If you consider doing this be careful to select movies that don't put crossdressing in a negative context. Something like "Just Like A Woman" (comedy) would be one that you might want to think about. I would AVOID those like "The Bird Cage" since it highlights the gay lifestyle and might give him the impression that you are interested in such.

One other program that I HIGHLY recommend is a documentary about heterosexual crossdressing which was produced by MSNBC called "The Secret Wardrobe" (that's where I got the idea for the name for my Yahoo support group). It's one of the best no-nonsense programs I've ever seen about us and it approaches the subject with dignity and respect. However, it's not one that you'd find in a video store so if you have access to MSNBC on your cable or satelite system keep an eye out for it and tape it for later viewing when it is aired again. (They've aired it several times since it's introduction so you'll want to watch for it).

View whatever you happen to decide upon ALONE the first time so as to be sure that you already know what the program contains. Then, once you and your son watch it together, you can sort of "feel out" what his opinions about crossdressing are and that could possibly give you some idea as to what couerse of action you want to pursue. IF you decide he's open minded enough to risk sharing your secret with him look at Norbie's post (above) and consider using it as an example for a way to tell hi about your feminine side. EXPECT the usual first questions: "Are you gay?", "Do you want to become a woman?", "Are you considering surgery?"

Taking it for granted that he can accept your feminine counterpart, provide him with the addresses of some informative web sites and forums such as this one so he can begin to further educate himself about what crossdressing is really like. AVOID "cheesy" sites that mix crossdressing and sexual exploits - such sites may adversly affect his opinion.

Hope this has been a help to you.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[carson]

Oh Rachel,

I certainly claim no expertise in this area, but in reading through the responses to your quiry on this thread, it is obvious you have a lot of love and support and I think you are getting a lot of good advice. You just need to sift through it all and see if any of it "fits" for you. I think Lauren T makes a good point that you need to think about the personality of your son to be able to gauge how he would handle the news of your crosdressing.

Also, I have to ask, do you really want to move in with your son? Do you have a financial burden that would be relieved by doing so? Do you feel obligated for other reasons? If you have the means to continue living on your own, would you miss the independence and privacy? Sometimes physical proximity does not equate to personal closeness.

Just some of my own thoughts. Please keep us posted.

Carson :hugs:

[Melissa A.]

Rachel,

On the pragmatic side, how important is it that you live with anyone now, your son included? I trust that you have reasons for this, and I'm not asking what they are. Just saying it's a big step, and can be hard for some families. But I want you to know that I can't imagine what it's like to live through what you and your son have, and that may make everything different. But I'm not gonna cop out on ya here, hon! I would tell him, if you think in your heart he is the kind of person who will react well, or at least if your'e as close as you say, the apple probably doesn't fall far from the tree. That doesn't mean he'd be totally cool with it at first, or you will be able to explore Rachel with him around. Could be tough for a while. I'd still do it, if your'e going to live together, or even if not. How many years do you figure you have left? 30, 40, 50 maybe? Don't live them in fear. That's different than "being Rachel" in front of people. But I made the decision recently that I don't care who knows, for a variety of reasons. I know it must be harder with a child, which I don't have. I hope some of this helps, Rachel.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Holly]

Rachel,

You are in an interesting situation. All I can tell you is let your heart be your guide. You raised this young man. He is full of the values, morals, and ideals that you have instilled within him. What have you taught him about relationships? Honesty? Honey, I suspect you've done a fine job! Of course, you ultimately will have to decide what is best, but please don't discount all the foundation you have built over the last 34 years. If you do decide to move in with him, he should know about Rachel PRIOR to the two of you sharing living space. The damage that would be done by him "discovering" Rachel Ann would be far greater than the potential strain on your father/son relationship with you telling him. Trust you heart, Rachel Ann.

[emmicd]

Dear Rachel,

You are blessed to have a son so caring and concerned for you to have you welcome in his home. He is very grateful to you for all you've done for him and is now trying to show you his gratitude. I can see your concern about revealing something so personal and private to someone you care very much for.

Only you know the right answer in how to broach this subject since you raised your son and seen him grow into adulthood. I think all the girls here have offered very sound advice in clearly well thought out responses. You will have to make this decision with a considerable amount of thought and strategy. We never really always know the right thing to do but then again if you don't try you will never know. Living in secret is not the best thing and I think it would be worse if you were caught without his prior knowledge. So you must view your son as an adult and maybe revealing the truth can be a good thing. I tend to agree with Norbie and a lot of the girls who responded.

Wish you both good luck!

Emmi

[Elysia]

I don’t know the particulars of your situation and so any advice I give should be considered in that context. Having said that…

It is a good thing for a grown son to understand his father; to know him as completely and as accurately as possible; his strengths and weakness, his triumphs and tribulations, knowledge of the paths he has chosen and why he chose them. Only then can the son come to love his father as a person, which is different from loving him simply because he’s his father. A father can choose to give his son that opportunity—always at some risk to himself—or not.

You can tell him, which has its risks but also potentially tremendous rewards—for him in particular—or you can choose not to move in with him, which is safe. What you should not do is move in and not tell him, Rachel Ann will resent it and that will not be good for anyone. I agree with Holly and many others who’ve made the point that "discovering" Rachel Ann as apposed to being “introduced to” Rachel Ann will make a great difference in how well she will be received. You also have the option of not moving in and telling him anyway.

Whatever you do I wish you and your son the best.

[alise]

I just read all the answers to your question, and honesty, i' think Sharon's is the best ! She ask good questions, and is reallistic (personaly think so!)

Rachel, which you good luck and hope you'll find your way ....

Love, Alise


As I have mentioned here before, my son is the light of my life, and since his mom’s passing, we, for each other, are all we have left.

If your son won't accept you, Rachel, who will?

OK, my problem is this: I have kept my secret from everyone since before he was born. I don’t see how we could share an apartment without his eventually catching on. Part of me thinks that I should tell him up front rather than have him stumble upon it.

Definitely the preferable way to handle this. You can choose when and how you tell your son, but you have no control if he discovers it on his own.

On the other hand, if he had a negative reaction, I would be heartbroken – not for my girl self, but because we have such a wonderful relationship that I depend on now.

The deeper the love, the greater potential there is for undesired emotions. How well do you trust your son? If he is anything like his old man, he will be fine with it, but it may take a lot of soul searching on his part. Talk with him, Rachel. Sit him down, pour him a beer if he drinks, and carefully, slowly explain that you are still the same person you have always been. Answer his questions and keep your cool if he gets upset.
I have recently told my son and, although I'm sure everything will be fine eventually, it's a bit rough now. He's questioning (inwardly) everything about how he was raised and who this guy is that he has spent a lifetime with (he's the same approximate age as your son). He's a good man though, and he has never wavered in saying the right thing to me, which is why I have faith he will come around.

I have considered trying to talk to him via his shrink, but then I would have to ask him who s/he is, and for his permission – and he would surely smell a rat at that.

My initial reaction is that this is a bad idea, but I have no knowledge of your son and why he is seeing "a shrink."

Good luck!! :hugs:

[DonnaT]

Hello Rachel,

It sounds like the only option you have with respect to living quarters is with your son.

If so, then sit down with him and explain that your are transgendered (CD) and explain what being transgendered (CD) means.

Telling him is no different than the advice given to CDs in a relationship with an SO, in my opinion. Especially if you are going to be living together. No one likes being deceived.

It sounds as though you two have a very good relationship, so, unless he is some macho a-hole, he should be able to accept this part of who you are.

[Olivia]

Rachel, you've heard lot's of good, well-thought out, advice. Of course, the ultimate decision must be made by you. I can tell you that in my situation, I came out to both my children this past Feb. We have a son and daughter and as in many cases, she was "daddy's buddy" and he was closer to mom. My son(23) is living at home while my daughter(25) lives in Dallas, and is only home infrequently. Well, both were very supportive and handled the disclosure well. I was cautious about going too fast with him, gradually wearing a little more as time went on. He is around me every day and has never seemed bothered by it. She, on the other hand, tho' seemingly closer to me, has had a harder time accepting me as a cd. Her first visit home after the coming out had a few tense moments. And, although I was not pushing it, I could sense her discomfort.

Subsequent visits have seemed easier but she still hasn't seen me as Olivia to the extent that he has. If she had been the one living at home maybe her reaction would be different. Acceptance is a funny thing; by all previous indicators, it should have been my son who struggled to accept me. You know your son better than anyone else; you are the one who has to judge whether he can accept you this way. I feel like coming out has made me closer to my son in some ways. I feel like my daughter just needs more time to deal with it. They both love me, just as your son loves you. I know we all worry about these disclosures(I spent weeks deciding what to do), but Sharon is right. We should expect more acceptance from those who love us the most. I hope everything works out for you Rachel. We are all pulling for each other here and that's something great. Good luck to you dear! Olivia

[Rachel Ann]

WOW! What an outpouring of support and good advice! I feel very very loved right now. :)

Today, I am leaning towards telling him, tomorrow I may be leaning the other way. I'm still waffling and have a little time left to make this decision.

You have each and all helped me think much more clearly about this. I have always been grateful for my son’s desire to be close – he even invites me to parties with his friends! :D In our last conversation, he convinced me that this is something that he really wants, not just an act of filial charity.

I think that his motivations are like mine – to stay in the astronomically expensive Bay Area, we both need roommates. Each of us knows that we respect, get along with and can count on the other. This is far more than can be said for some randomly selected acquaintance (or, worse, a stranger). Thinking back, I think that about 1 in 5 of the roommate situations I ever had was “successful”.

I do know that he is a very hip, non-judgmental person, which is how I tried to raise him. He knows about my background with The Velvet Underground and Andy Warhol. We have each always had gay friends, and he was once a hooker’s boyfriend. We both know people from all walks of life, and consider that to be important and valuable. :cool:

He also has a very good heart, and puts being kind to people and not hurting anybody above all else. He has never (at least since middle school) had a problem hugging me or saying “I love you” in front of others.

So, I think that he would accept this in principle – I just don’t know how he would take it being his own father. He understands what TG means and we have watched movies like “Ed Wood” together.

I would certainly promise to keep it out of his face, and confined to my room or to other places. No stockings hanging in the bathroom or anything like that.

The other thing that I think about is that Rachel so suddenly became more active than ever before just 9 months ago, I may need to talk to him about it even if we don’t move in together. Even if I had my own place, he would be bound to visit sometimes and if I never invited him he would wonder why.

Last but not least – for all I know, he just might already know. Stranger things have happened, and he is a fairly perceptive fellow.

So thank you one and all for your support and advice – and it ain’t over yet! I will keep you posted, it probably won’t be necessary for me to make this decision for another month or so.

Love and kisses

Rachel <3

p.s. There’s lots more about him and me and our past, separately and together. But that’s something I’ll save for another day.

[crispy]

I would have to agree with Lady Jayne.

Even if he loves you so much that he says he understands and that he doesn't mind, just imagine how it will be when some of those domestic pressures get too much and one of you blows his top. Then your cd-ing will be to blame for everything, the resentment will set in and you'll end up destroying all the love and trust you've built up.

nice dream but ...... no, I don't think so.

my son is 28, and I know I could never do it to him.

[ronna]

Picture this scenario:
Rachel Ann answers the door the next time your son comes over.
He's a big boy now, a full grown adult perfectly capable of dealing with any issues that come his way.
Now, what is the worst thing that could happen?
a)He doesn't want you to move in with him (get your own room)
b)he doesn't want to be your son anymore (that's not possible)
c)he thinks it's funny and you all have a good laugh (until he finds out you're serious)
d)he has no problem with it because you're both adults and entitled to make your own lifestyle choices

Just do it, Rachel Ann.

[Rachel Ann]

... I know I could never do it to him.
That's been at the top of my priorities all along - I don't care what people think of me but I do care what changes it might put his head through.

Still undecided, though.

[Melissa A.]

Your'e a great parent, obviously, who cares about the right things. I know you will handle it well.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

Ummm...You knew the Velvet Underground? Really??

[Rachel Ann]

Ummm...You knew the Velvet Underground? Really??
A long story for another day.

I was the first "manager" which meant that, living with Lou and John, I couldn't sing or play anything but I had a killer H connection. When Andy Warhol took over, I was totally redundant. However Andy was the nicest sweetest guy in the world and created a job for me. (I didn't even have to sleep with him or anything.)

[caitlin]

I agree with Melissa A..."ummm"...wow, the Velvet Underground...I think your son knowing this would help with your telling, just a hunch though. They weren't what I would call your average mainstream band...good band though...

If you aren't in a situation where you NEED to move and his is the best option then I would wait for a bit. In the long run I would tell him, however. He is your own flesh and blood and like was stated the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He may completely understand and your relationship blossom even further. In this respect I speak from some experience...my step-daughter (married and in her mid 20's) found out about my dressing a few months ago. Even though we don't talk openly about it our relationship has grown stronger...maybe because my secret is out. I'm not saying the same will be for you, I only know it is a relief for me...and I'll say this here, Thank God...

[geegee2]

Hi girls

As I have mentioned here before, my son is the light of my life, and since his mom’s passing, we, for each other, are all we have left.

He has been a wonderful son, and recently surprised me by inviting me to move in with him once I am out of my present situation! I mean, how many 34 yo’s want to live with Dad?

OK, my problem is this: I have kept my secret from everyone since before he was born. I don’t see how we could share an apartment without his eventually catching on. Part of me thinks that I should tell him up front rather than have him stumble upon it.

On the other hand, if he had a negative reaction, I would be heartbroken – not for my girl self, but because we have such a wonderful relationship that I depend on now.

I have considered trying to talk to him via his shrink, but then I would have to ask him who s/he is, and for his permission – and he would surely smell a rat at that.

Even if I begged the question by just declining his offer, he would be very hurt and that would be a problem as well. Do I just shove Rachel back in to the closet for a while? I already promised her that I would never do that again.

If there are any Ann Landers types out there, PLEASE tell me what you think I should do.

Love

Rachel xxx
dont do anything that will ruin a good relationship,but dont hold back its the same as lieing,if youcan be honest with tourself be honest with him,he may be like my kids and suprise you, they both love me more. I will add you both to my nightly prayers and wish you the best,luv,kisses,hugs GEEGEE2

[windycissy]

My initial reaction was to say "No, don't move in with him" since the risk of destroying your relationship, however small, outweighs everything else. However, after reading your subsequent post about the practical necessitites of finding a place in the Bay Area, how about if you pack up all your girl stuff, put it in storage, and move in with him "cold turkey" for a while, and when you're shooting the shit one night, mention to him that you have always had this thing about dressing up. If he freaks out, you can tell him that it's all in the past, and start to look for another living situation...but if he is cool with it, you have opened the door. As good as I am with fashion tips, I am terrible at this kind of advice, but that's my suggestion. Good luck! Windy

[DonnaT]

So, I think that he would accept this in principle – I just don’t know how he would take it being his own father. He understands what TG means and we have watched movies like “Ed Wood” together.

I told my 27 yr old son a few months ago, and it turns our he already knew. Before then, I was always alert to make sure he didn't see me dressed. Now, he's seen and it's not been a problem at all.

I think from what you said, you and he will be fine with your dressing. At least, IMO, you should have no problem discussing it and getting his input.

[Rachel Ann]

(As always, Sharon, you have the best head on your shoulders! Thank you.)

As it turns out, complications on my son's end will postpone the possibility of me sharing a place with him has been put off for at least 6 months, so I don't have to deal with that problem now.

I will probably get someplace transitional to begin with, until I get settled and am no longer boxed in by tunnel vision.

I would really like to get a share with another Tgirl, but Craigslist doesn't seem to have that as a category.

But thank you all for taking the time to give me such good and varied advice. :)

Love

Rachel x