Should I help or keep out of it? [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

guynheels

08-19-2009, 05:58 PM

Last Friday evening our next door neighbor came over to see my wife. She is late 30's and has two children, a daughter that is 17 and a son that just turned 15 a few months ago. They moved in next door to us around two years ago and she and my wife have become very good friends during that time. She is divorced and has been raising her children on her own for almost 12 years now. I knew something had to be up when she came to the door because you could tell that she had been crying and her makeup was a mess. She asked if she could talk to my wife alone and I excused myself and went out to my shop so they could talk.

About an hour later my wife came out and told me what was going on. This past summer my neighbor had noticed a change in her son's habits. He was not going anywhere with his friends and spent most of the day around the house instead. She became suspicious and did some snooping around looking for drugs and such thinking maybe he might be experimenting with drug use. She found nothing and then talked to her daughter to see if she knew anything. Her daughter told her that she didn't know anything so that left her to continue looking for answers.

On Friday she decided to come home early from work and walked in to find her son, daughter, and one of her daughter's friends from school in the living room. Her son was dressed up in girls clothes and wearing makeup, a wig, and jewelry. From what she told my wife he told her that he has been dressing in his sisters clothes pretty much all along and was caught a few years back by her. It also appears his sister has been helping him along with the help of one of her friends and this has gone on all summer. Needless to say she is a mess! Of course she is convinced that he is gay, "the usual first thought"!

My wife talked to her and tried to help the best she could but did not tell her about me. Later that evening she asked me what I thought about talking to her and telling her about my other self and see if explaining that could possibly help her cope with her problems. I have thought about it but have not said yes or no. I don't know if it would help or make matters worse by causing another shock. I feel sorry for him and I know what he is going through right now and I also know his mother is probably making things worse. Should I ask her over and talk to her or would you stay out of it if you were me? I have no problem talking about it but I don't want to make things worse by speaking up.

Annaliese

08-19-2009, 06:02 PM

You are the only one that can help.
Yes do it.

Scotty

08-19-2009, 06:05 PM

Talk to HIM and let him work it out - if he knows about you his confidence may go higher - right now as young as he is that's a VERY vulnerable "Oh no I got caught" embarrassing time of life....

Try that first....

trannie T

08-19-2009, 06:07 PM

sissystephanie

08-19-2009, 06:08 PM

What a situation to be thrown into! From what you said, I must assume that your wife not only knows about you, but also supports you? If this is so, I would offer to talk to the lady. Not to tell her you are a CD at first, but just to talk about boys wearing girls clothes. Let her know that it is a natural thing that many boys do at younger ages, and does not mean that he is gay at all. Tell her you have read things about it online, and maybe direct her to some. If you feel real comfortable doing it, then let her know that you are a CD yourself and definitely not "gay." You might want to have your wife there when you tell her that! Hope this helps!

Brina Halloween

08-19-2009, 06:14 PM

I suspect your wife can do the most and judge the best what "your" effect would be. If the neighbor isn't closed minded, I suspect your wife could open the door for you to have a constructive talk. Let your wife judge if you should be "out".

5150 Girl

08-19-2009, 06:20 PM

You said it yourself, her imagination is making things worse than they are. Talk to her. then ask her if she would like you to speak with Jr.

Shari

08-19-2009, 06:21 PM

I think that if she is receptive to it, you should have a talk with her. Maybe refer her to a few places she can educate herself about her son. She'll find out that it's not nearly as bad as she thinks.

As far as outing yourself, I think you're right, in that it would just further shock her already bruised mind.

Leave that one alone until another time.

Bethany38

08-19-2009, 06:54 PM

I would say that you could be of great help in this matter. So if it were me I would feel it was my duty to try and help out. It may cause problems or it may not, either way you are in a position to do some good here. I would start out by telling the neighbor about you. See how she handles that. It may help her to better understand her son if she had son one to talk to that had a lot of knowledge on the subject, or at least more than she has.

mklinden2010

08-19-2009, 06:59 PM

I suggest your wife gently suggest to her friend that it's not all that bad - you, her husband, for example, is "one of those guys who..." And, you stand behind her when she does!

Thing is, the kid may be going someplace different from you, or, he may not. No need to get into this as if everybody was the same. Do, however, open up the idea that there's all kinds of behaviors and all kinds of outcomes - lots of them good!

Mom is going to be feeling fear, grief, and guilt over this. Fear of what may happen to her son, grief over him turning out very different than she expected, guilt because "it might" be her fault.

Nah. Life happens to each of us differently and you can't change the past. Sort out the present, reset the future, and save some hope for tomorrow.

Life goes on.

Kathi Lake

08-19-2009, 07:04 PM

Since she asked for you to be excused the first time, I would definitely let your wife take the lead on this one as the trust is not there from your neighbor. Give your wife permission to "out" you if the opportunity presents and if it seems appropriate. This is a case of "feminine intuition" where your wife will know if and when to bring up your situation.

Kathi

KandisTX

08-19-2009, 07:05 PM

First, you need to find out how receptive this woman would be to finding out about you. If she would be okay with it, you might approach her and discuss it with her first, and offer to talk to the son as a sort of mentor for him. Regardless of all else, you MUST assure the mother that it is NOT her fault.

Kandis:love::rose2:

Ras

08-19-2009, 07:06 PM

I would be very careful as the son is only 15. you don't want to be put into a compromised situation. I would talk to the neighbor lady first and see is you can shed some light on it without exposing yourself unless you feel she could handle that information and it would be beneficial to the situation.

She may be open to her son talking to you as a support person in addition to his sister. Keep us posted.

trannie T

08-19-2009, 07:24 PM

It is acceptable for a man to teach a boy how to work on a car. It is acceptable for a man teach a boy how to catch a fish. Helping a juvenile become a crossdresser would not be accepted by most of society. In an earlier post I suggested that if necessary the youth should see a qualified, licensed therapist. For an unqualified crossdressing neighbor become involved with the youth could lead to disaster.

deja true

08-19-2009, 07:25 PM

Hmmm! Don't think I'd out myself to the mom or the son at this point. Despite your attempt to convince her that her son is prolly not gay, she may know so little about CDing that you won't be able to convince her. And if you out yourself, she'll think you are too. And that will bring up a lot more worries for her about her "weird" neighbor, whether you were friends in the past or not!

If she wants to, I think it better if your wife handles the conversation, startng with something like "Well, actually I have a very good friend who is a closeted cross-dresser and...". That could explain her knowledge of the behaviour and why she would have so much information so easily at hand.

How about if, as a way to help her friend, they do some internet research on the subject of transgender life together? That way, they could "discover" together some of the best information available on line and avoid some of the more scary or salacious stuff that will undoubtedly come up if the mom did a search herself. (The University of Michigan site might be a good place to start. It shows successful trans people in a very good light.)

How about they go to the nearest Borders or Barnes and Noble bookstore looking for more information and "happen upon" a few of the very insightful books that are generally available, like My Husband Betty or others....

I think it might be good to get the helpful sister involved as well. Maybe her accepting and supportive nature, and her input about her generation's more non-judgemental acceptance of trans behaviour might be able to influence the mom, too. Your wife and the sister together could sorta "tag team" the mom and offer a lot of support between them.

If the boy were over 18, I might advise getting involved sooner, but at that younger age, I'd hang back and let your supportive wife be the front person, if she has the wish to help.

Good luck with this thorny problem, guy!

Hope the mom calms enough to listen to, and begin to accept, some ideas that are obviously gonna be very new to her life.

cd_jamie

08-19-2009, 07:30 PM

why is it the first thing everyone wants to think is a mtf cd is gay? let your wife do the talking to the woman. make sure if you talk to the kid there is someone else with you. this is for your protection. getting involved in this situation is something I would stay away from.

sterling12

08-19-2009, 07:39 PM

Yes, your wife is her friend. At this stage she probably doesn't want advise, she probably just wants to "vent" to her best bud.

No one else has mentioned it, but if you tell her you crossdress; her "second thought" might be that: "The next door neighbor taught my kid to be a crossdresser....he's (meaning Y-O-U) responsible!" I think she might just find the coincidence too hard to ignore.

I would leave it alone! let your wife make all the "supportive noises." She will know the appropriate time to recommend a COMPETENT Psychologist.

Peace and Love, Joanie

docrobbysherry

08-19-2009, 07:53 PM

Jennifer N J

08-19-2009, 07:54 PM

No one else has mentioned it, but if you tell her you crossdress; her "second thought" might be that: "The next door neighbor taught my kid to be a crossdresser....he's (meaning Y-O-U) responsible!" I think she might just find the coincidence too hard to ignore.

I would leave it alone! let your wife make all the "supportive noises." She will know the appropriate time to recommend a COMPETENT Psychologist.

Peace and Love, Joanie[/quote]

I agree with Joanie on this one. She is your wife's friend, and your wife probably has enough understanding to help her friend the most.

Angelofsomekind

08-19-2009, 08:06 PM

I would say first thing would be to tell the wife that you two know of a CD, and if she would like she can talk to her and get some awnsers. If she says no, leave it at that. You can also offer to let her get to know this other cd (you) first, so she can see that we are totally 'normal'. If she is ok with you talking to the son, I would say have the mom there when you do talk to the son. That way she knows exactly what's going on to. Maybe talk to her about what you think you should tell the son, and what she wants to know from him. Find out if the son wants to talk about it to, he might feel really really weird about talking to you about it.

mklinden2010

08-19-2009, 08:14 PM

>>why is it the first thing everyone wants to think is a mtf cd is gay?

"If it looks like a duck..."

Women dress in particular attire (womens' clothes), in part, because they feel the need to look attractive to attract men... away from other women, if need be, and to themselves. Or, for themselves... No doubt, it depends on what their agenda is that day.. Or, night. Or, just in life...

Seeing a man presenting as a woman, barring something like Halloween going on, the easiest and nearest explanation is:

"Here's a man presenting as (pretending to be) a woman - to attract men!"

Maybe... But, back the duck up. Maybe he's presenting as a woman for other reasons that women wear particular clothing - such as they like the clothing, the colors, the feel, the illusion, the role playing, the fun...

Lighten up.

Sex happens, but it doesn't have to be the only reason in the world for everything...

Why do ducks fly south for the winter?

They get car sick if they drive.

ChrisP

08-19-2009, 08:37 PM

A couple of things strike me already about this situation.

First of all, the mother is so upset she is not worried too much about discretion or privacy, as evidenced by her willingness to discuss it with her neighbor.
Granted your wife is her friend, but clearly she is distraught enough that she has thrown caution to the wind.

This tells you something about her state of mind.

Two, the boy and his sister have been pretty creative in keeping this clandestine, at least up until now. And from your description, he's taken it pretty far for a teen (and I'm not saying that's a bad thing).
Clearly he and his sister have some internal (and shared) resources on this.

I would not under any circumstances tell her (at least for now) about your crossdressing.
She will automatically assume that you've been the one to "convert" her son to this interest, and she might even pressure him to say that you have done so (under threat of public embarrassment).

If you feel like you must intervene, I would tell her about a cousin who had the same issues, and how well he's done, how it doesn't indicate that he's gay (and remember we don't know if this kid is gay or straight), that it's just one expression of the sprectrum of gender, etc.
You might even let her know about the support services that are out there for transgender kids...but I wouldn't appear too knowledgable or she will get suspicious.

This is one time when keeping a bit of distance might be best for all parties concerned, at least until you see how the fallout from this acrues. Your neighbor may well come to accept this aspect of her son, and perhaps it will be a stepping stone to a better relationship for all of them in her family.

But (and it's a big butt), we live in a culture that is hypervigilant about child sexual abuse, and it will seem like a big coincidence to an awful lot of people with very narrow minds.
It doesn't sound like her children are suffering any physical or emotional violence, and this will probably work itself out like so many home issues eventually do.

If she kicks her son out of the home (and of course we all pray that won't happen), then perhaps you can provide some resources, especially to the boy, that might be a lifeline.

There's a lot of drama here. Don't get sucked in.

Chris

BLUE ORCHID

08-19-2009, 08:37 PM

[QUOTE=docrobbysherry;1839414]Not only could u end up screwing up the kid, u COULD end up in JAIL!:eek: What if he IS GAY?

He's UNDERAGE! And you're a MAN! "Dirty pediphile"! I can hear them now!:doh:

Your wife should talk to the boy alone. THEN, talk to the mom. Who TRUSTS HER already!:hugs:

If your wife's NOT up to it, call social services, or find a good gender counselor for them![/QUOT

As Doc said Danger I wouldn't touch this with a 10' pole
It will come back to bite you in the a$$.
.................................................. .....thanka........ORCHID

Holly

08-19-2009, 08:38 PM

Since the neighbor initiated the contact with your wife (and asked you to leave), I would think the next contact would be up to your wife. Kudos to her, by the way, for coming to you prior to telling your neighbor about your CDing. At this point, what you need to decide is what (if anything) you feel comfortable disclosing to your neighbor. If you decide to move forward, then I would suggest that you AND you wife meet with her together, although I would do do only after your wife is able to get an understanding of your neighbors comfort level. As far as being a reference to the young man in question, I would say that decision is one that should be put off until such time as the mother's level of comfort has been determined. If you do decide to move forward, you may find it helpful to have some information available and any references to local assistance in your area that would benefit the mom and the boy. Best wishes in whatever you decide.

TSchapes

08-19-2009, 08:48 PM

I would not go outing yourself right away. The mother may see you as the problem and not the solution. I like what Deja said, it's a practical solution.

As far as the child's orientation goes, we all know that is an unknown. You can't go assuming he's a gay, straight or bi. That should not be the issue.

Let your wife take the lead and stay away from the son. That's my take.

Love, Tracy

sherri52

08-19-2009, 08:56 PM

Do you want your neighbor to know about you. It might be worth the try. Don't tell the boy until later or at least let the mother be there at that time. Your wife may help you and the neighbor will see that it is not being gay. Your risk is that she may tell everyone on the street.

cheryl anne michaels

08-19-2009, 09:01 PM

i do not envy you your postion. i agree with those that advise leting your wife handle this , with you perhaps advising from the sidelines. i wouldnt recommending " outing " yourself, however. the problem with with that is that the young man seems very, very close with his sister. my god, i know i would have been if my sistr had spent a summer helping me dress. but if he tells his sister, then it will be a good bet the whole local highschool will know in record time. just something to think about

Shelby

08-19-2009, 09:42 PM

I agree with Kathi Lake, let your wife take the lead and perhaps slowly introduce the facts about Cding to the mom. Once she seems to have an understanding then your wife could explain why she has some insight. It sounds like the boy lacked a father figure in his life and that perhaps you could be a suragate dad in a very unique way. But I don't think you should introduce your fem side to either the mom, son or daughter at least not anytime soon.

Breanne

08-19-2009, 09:57 PM

BritneyLynn

08-19-2009, 10:07 PM

While it probably wouldn't be prudent for guynheels or his wife to tell that women about guynheals' crossdressing for now, a fib about a crossdressing cousin or nephew might be too specific. Even that little fabrication might endanger guynheels' credibility should the neighbor eventualy learn about guynheels' crossdressing. A vauger mention about knowing a crossdresser, which guynheels' wife isn't prepared to identify, might be safer if the neighbor gets concerned about a "corrupting influence".

Meanwhile guynheels' wife could help the neighbor learn about crossdressers and their varied motives through reading and some thoughtful Internet sources. Should the neighbor get comfortable enough with her son's crossdressing to be confident the son didn't get the idea from gutnheels, that might make identifying guynheels as the mystery crossdresser more prudent.

Alice B

08-19-2009, 10:26 PM

Yes. Tell her.

MissConstrued

08-19-2009, 10:37 PM

Swap shoes for a minute. If you were the kid, and your neighbor could reduce the magnitude of your mom freaking out...

Shame on you if you leave the kid dangling.

Sophie Lynne

08-19-2009, 10:39 PM

Too much can go wrong here. Recommend a good therapist if you can but otherwise stay wayyyy far away from this.

Michelle S

08-19-2009, 10:46 PM

Not only could u end up screwing up the kid, u COULD end up in JAIL!:eek: What if he IS GAY?

He's UNDERAGE! And you're a MAN! "Dirty pediphile"! I can hear them now!:doh:

Your wife should talk to the boy alone. THEN, talk to the mom. Who TRUSTS HER already!:hugs:

If your wife's NOT up to it, call social services, or find a good gender counselor for them!

Doc may be over stating the case, but the fact is you are not a licensed therapist. Just because you cross dress does not mean you understand what this kid is going through. If you know a good gender therapist or even a good family therapist you could help by passing that info to your neighbor. If there is a GLBT youth support group you could pass that info along too. Of course your wife and you can still be there for her as friends.

guynheels

08-19-2009, 10:56 PM

At the moment I think the best thing to do is stay out of it. She is in a pretty bad state of mind at the moment and I would not want to make it worse. I did recommend to the wife that she should offer some information on the subject that could help such as searching the internet and giving her some links to read. As for speaking to the child, that is not an option! As much as I would like to help this is something only his mother should do and not an outsider.

Joanne f

08-20-2009, 04:27 AM

I would say that it is best for you to stay out of it and just let your wife support her friend , for one simple reason , it could back fire on you as the boys mother could look up and say " the only reason that you want to help is so that he will grow up like you and so that i will accept what you do ".

Vicky_Scot

08-20-2009, 04:44 AM

You said it yourself, her imagination is making things worse than they are. Talk to her. then ask her if she would like you to speak with Jr.

I think this is the way to go.

DAVIDA

08-20-2009, 07:27 AM

Isn't that just the sweetest thing!
His sister is helping him, and obviously has no problems with it!

sarahNZ

08-20-2009, 08:57 AM

I suggest your wife gently suggest to her friend that it's not all that bad - you, her husband, for example, is "one of those guys who..." And, you stand behind her when she does!

I would have sugested something simmilar to this, but for a starter I think it might be best if it were just your wife and your neighbour, I think along these lines because it is your wife that has sparked the friendship and it was your wife that the neighbour turned to "for a shoulder to cry on", you can be in an adjoining room or out the shed if nescesary. If the neighbour is then interested in a more personal chat with you (and this may still take some time to get her head around your CDing) you can talk openly to her... although I wouldn't be dressed at the time! My biggest concern is that the neighbour may turn her frustration on you and "blame" you for her sons dressing so be careful.

I certainly hope that things go well for your neighbour and her son, things for a teen are not as easy as they seem so how this is handled now can have a huge effect on his self esteem and confidence later. I think the neighbour would do well to "learn" a thing or two, and if you and your wife can help her to learn about CDing and how it is not the worst thing that could befall her family then I believe you will not only be doing your neighbour a good turn but also her son, heck it may even feel good to help out some one that needs it.

One last thing if I may sugest it?...

Don't take t long to make the first move, maybe your wife can simply say "look about our talk the other day... I wanted to say something the other day but I wanted to see that it was ok first! (just a thought)

good luck :hugs:

TxCassie

08-20-2009, 09:06 AM

I think I echo alot of what has been said. At this point, you don't want to do anything for the mother is at a point where her emotions, prejudices, and shock is still rulling her thoughts and behvior. Coming out to her would be a disasterous course of action. I am pretty sure in her state of mind, she will see you as the source of the problem and it could lead to a very bad situation for all concerned.

Remember, the young man is only fifteen years old and is a minor. His mother is in charge of his well being and you and your wife are not to interfere with the child without his mother's consent. As much as you must feel for the young man, you must keep your distance and your life your own for now.

Your wife is the key. She is indeed a good wife and a good friend. First to listen to her friend and then to check with you before saying anything about your dressing. I think she is the one that will do the guiding the mother to the next step. I know most of us here on the board and our SOs have come to accept, embrace and include our femme personas into our lives. But, this woman is not there yet, so you must take care and be tender. Depending on her own convictions and beliefs, she may never come around. I hope she does for that will allow alot of love and bonding to take place.

I like the ideal to have your wife gently counsel the mother, to find out how's she's dealing with the discovery. Have your wife to suggest trip to Barns' and Noble to purchase books on the subject, be with her to surf the responsible internet sites for information. Ultimately, a sit down talk with the young boy is a must, maybe your wife could be present as support for both of them, then hopefully, the mom can sit down alone and discuss what her son's is feeling inside about himselfs, his self-idenity, his sexual orientation, and then she maybe able to understand the dressing. For we all know, our dressing is the outward manifestation of what is going on the inside of us.

The revelation of your dressing I feel will need to be the last thing on the agenda. For I think this young boy's mother will need to go through all the stages of grief before she gets to the point where your revelation, while may be another stunning revelation, will not be rejected in a fit of furry accuations and judgemental rejection. Just think what she is experience now. She just discovered in a most unexpected manner that her son is not the boy nor will be the man she may have expected or imagined. She has a lot of fears, prejudices, notions, about it all. She will try to find reasons for it, blame something, someone, rationalize what went "wrong". If then, she is given the fact that the man next door, the husband of her good friend is also a crossdresser, she will feel that her entire sense of security destoryed and betrayed. So, take things slowly and have patience. It may take years, even though he is a short three years from his majority, those three years are as large as the Grand Canyon.

Always remember, the young man is this woman's son, a minor and is HER responsibility. He is her world, rightfully so. Even if there comes a time where you are open with both of them, you may realize that you are more a femme counselor than older sister. Until such a time where this young man can present himself as a Young Woman, Herself on Her own terms.

Such a time will come.

Cassie

Gerard

08-20-2009, 09:24 AM

If you have no problem with outing yourself to her go ahead and talk with her. You may help her accept her son's behavior.
Stay away from the kid however, I see all kinds of potential problems in helping a child become a crossdresser. If he needs help refer them to a licensed, qualified counselor.

I agree with this. Go though the mother, let her decide what to tell the son, she's the parent.

If you can find the courage, I think you are one of the most qualified people to help your neighbour understand her son and that whatever is going on is probably not a problem. Help her accept it and get the right perspective.

I like the advice about maybe not doing it in person but going though your wife, from your story she's on a higher confidentiality level with her than she is with you.

Sally2005

08-20-2009, 09:39 AM

I think it is wise to offer advice, but don't out yourself. If the woman is in distress she might cut ties with you and your wife and everyone will loose. Since your wife is the close friend, let her help, but you can provide information to your wife to help her...maybe she can hint that she personally knows someone who CDs. I feel for the kid...kudos to the sister and friends who support him, I hope the mother comes around.

VeronicaMoonlit

08-20-2009, 09:52 AM

If you were the kid, and your neighbor could reduce the magnitude of your mom freaking out...

Darn tootin.

The kid has got his life pretty well worked out, already at the age of 15 he's come out of the closet to his sister and her friend. Kudos to him -- he has no need of a therapist!

Yes, it's the mom that needs information.

Now it's all a question of soothing his mother; getting her off his back and sorting out her ideas about CD=gay. You are the best person in sight to do this. It's not therapy, it's giveing her evidence. Best done, for all the reasons stated above, with your wife present.

By helping the Mom understand "This Thing of Ours" better, you help the kid without even needing to talk to the kid.

Don't take t long to make the first move, maybe your wife can simply say "look about our talk the other day... I wanted to say something the other day but I wanted to see that it was ok first! (just a thought)

I think that would be the best way to start too.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

Jill

08-20-2009, 09:58 AM

I definitely think the potential good here is strongly outweighed by the potential bad, you getting involved could get really hairy, really fast.

At least one person has said you should approach the teenager and talk to him about it, BAD IDEA. This day and age, I can see that coming back to bite you pretty bad.

I also don't think that you should talk to his mother, she told your wife in confidence and may not appreciate your wife spilling it to you.

I personally think you should stay out of it altogether, it will work out, the mother is just shocked. I work with troubled teens and I think she should be happy and grateful that it's not drugs. If anything, I think your wife should just encourage this lady to love and support her son no matter what and then leave the rest to them, it will work out.

Chiana

08-20-2009, 10:41 AM

No one else has mentioned it, but if you tell her you crossdress; her "second thought" might be that: "The next door neighbor taught my kid to be a crossdresser....he's (meaning Y-O-U) responsible!" I think she might just find the coincidence too hard to ignore.

I would leave it alone! let your wife make all the "supportive noises." She will know the appropriate time to recommend a COMPETENT Psychologist.

I agree with Joanie on this one. She is your wife's friend, and your wife probably has enough understanding to help her friend the most.

I agree completely. My first thought was that Mom will immediately jump to the conclusion that you must have had something to do with his dressing since they have been living next door to you for 2 years. YOU CANNOT GET INVOLVED.

ClaudiaDawn

08-20-2009, 12:56 PM

Hi,

I am coming late in this conversation but here are my 2 cents.

I would say to support the mother to cope and to accept her son, whatever he is. I don't think it is necesarily a good idea to tell her about you and that being a CD is not a big deal; you don't know what the kids is or where he is going, most likely the boy doesn't know either, he may really be gay and the crossdressing is just a phase, or he maybe a transexual and that is whole different set of issues that non-TS cannot even start imagining. Encourage the mother to talk to her son, listen to hher (sometimes we just need to be listened to, not to be told what to do), remind her that regardless of the clothes or sexual orientation or sexual identity, he may grow to be a wonderful person. The mother needs the support so she can in turn support her son.
If the mother thinks it is appropiate, maybe the son can benefit from professional help. Whatever you do, don't talk to the boy without the mother's consent and if you have to do it, do it only att the mother's request and preferible with the mother present.

Good luck,

Hugs

Claudia Dawn

emmlouise

08-20-2009, 02:45 PM

I agree 100% with Kathi.

"Since she asked for you to be excused the first time, I would definitely let your wife take the lead on this one as the trust is not there from your neighbor. Give your wife permission to "out" you if the opportunity presents and if it seems appropriate. This is a case of "feminine intuition" where your wife will know if and when to bring up your situation"

Jenny Brown

08-20-2009, 03:37 PM

Run, don't walk, away from this situation. Steer clear...
Too many things can go wrong. :doh:

Connie D50

08-20-2009, 03:54 PM

If nothing else tell him or the mom you( or your wife) looked into it on line and found a lot of good info and sites that should help him and the mom (like this one)

Connie

mklinden2010

08-20-2009, 04:35 PM

After reading the increasing, "Don't touch that!" hysteria that's building on this post, I feel I have to say, "Horse Hockey!"

For all you Chicken Little's who say, "Run!" how about standing your ground and saying, "Prove your concerns and accusations. You can't do it because it didn't happen and it didn't happen because you have the wrong ideas about this sort of thing."

It's crossdressing and/or gender/sexual choice issues - not nuclear bombs, cancer, or, financial ruin.

Horse hockey.

So, you're all best friends... But, she really knows very little about you as she comes over - to YOU - hysterical because her son is in the living room playing dress-up with his sister and her friend.

OK, so there's three of them and one of her and they're dumb enough to get, er, caught? Er, um, dressing for the school play? Yeah, that's it... "We were going to surprise you but you came home early.. Darn."

So, dumb and dumb meet dumber.

Just wondering, are all you still digging that hole deeper? Is she still crying like she's new to this century, has the boy killed himself yet, have the sister and her friend run off to Mexico?

None of this would be such a world-ending shock had you two, in the past few years, been better friends than to keep your best pal there in the dark about your life, and life in general.

Now, posters on this forum are telling you to run and hide?

Where? And, for how long? The longer you keep mum, the worst it's going to look later. And, she's going to feel an even bigger fool for having come to you in the first place.

Nice work all around.

If you had any pride and/or intelligence at all, you'd offer that this is not the end of the world, just a surprise. And, you'd have said something sooner, but you didn't think it proper -at the time - to expose the kids to this kind of thing. You were wrong, in hindsight, not to offer a more honest view of the world, but it's only recently that you have seen how, "What you don't know can hurt you."

Time to be a hero, not a coward, a jerk, or, a clown. No better time to start setting things right than right now. Start with an apology and come clean - before you get found out anyway and a bigger truck load of horse poop lands on all of you.

That's reason enough, but a better is still:

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

Jenny Brown

08-20-2009, 04:52 PM

Time to be a hero, not a coward, a jerk, or, a clown. No better time to start setting things right than right now.
what? How is staying out of this being a coward? I disagree big time.

mklinden2010

08-20-2009, 05:26 PM

>>what? How is staying out of this being a coward? I disagree big time.

JB,

I think the feeling is that the neighbor was/is being asked for help but he's holding back for fear of getting hurt himself.

And, he will probably get hurt, some, but he might lessen someone's else's, a lot, if he acts.

I appreciate that he asked for help before wading in, it's been helpful I think... But, now it's probably time to get on with it.

MKL

BLUE ORCHID

08-20-2009, 08:18 PM

Sammy777

08-20-2009, 08:38 PM

It's crossdressing and/or gender/sexual choice issues -
not nuclear bombs, cancer, or, financial ruin.

So, dumb and dumb meet dumber.

Just wondering, are all you still digging that hole deeper?

None of this would be such a world-ending shock had you two, in the past few years, been better friends than to keep your best pal there in the dark about your life, and life in general.

Nice work all around.

If you had any pride and/or intelligence at all, you'd offer that this is not the end of the world, just a surprise.

Time to be a hero, not a coward, a jerk, or, a clown. No better time to start setting things right than right now. Start with an apology and come clean - before you get found out anyway and a bigger truck load of horse poop lands on all of you.

:iagree:

Now tell us how you really feel without sugarcoating it Mary :lol2:

what? How is staying out of this being a coward? I disagree big time.

Wow big shocker there.........
How'd I guess you of all people would have disagreed with what maryklinden has said :brolleyes:

Susan.

08-20-2009, 10:06 PM

I think you should stay out of it. I think you are doing the correct thing by recommending the internet, etc.

If you out anyway then I would say then get involved more than you are.

docrobbysherry

08-20-2009, 10:36 PM

:iagree:

Now tell us how you really feel without sugarcoating it Mary :lol2:

Wow big shocker there.........
How'd I guess you of all people would have disagreed with what maryklinden has said :brolleyes:

But, let me ask both of u "heroes" a question:
Do u wear your wildest "drag queen" imitation outfits out shopping at Macy's? Why not? There's no LAW against doing that is there?:brolleyes:
Why not? What r u afraid of?

Does it have anything to do with living in the REAL WORLD? And those realities include men that fool around with neighbor boys can get into BIG trouble! And there R LAWS against that!:doh:

I agree that as a friend and neighbor, he SHOULD be able to try and help the kid!
But, considering the REALITY of the litigious and gay/ CD suspicious world in which we live, advising him do so, WITHOUT knowing all the people involved, and the details, I think is A BAD IDEA!:sad:

I don't think it has ANYTHING to do with; "fear", or, "being heroes", but, about using common sense!

TxCassie

08-21-2009, 12:03 AM

I'm can not disagree more with Maryklinden. Like it or not, the young boy is not our charge and no one has the right to parent him but his mother. The fact she confided to her neighbor and friend doesn't disloves the family unit.

The situation is not Guyinheels' situation to slove. In no way is it being a coward to respect the situation and be what in fact he is, "someone looking in". What this family needs is a good freind(s) and friends do not judge a situation but are simply there to support and encourage love and nurturing. As in all things, there is a time to stand quiet, time to talk, there is a way to talk, a purdent way, a sensitive way, and that is not being a chicken little, it's being wise and disreet and it's being a friend.

The fact that this young boy dresses as a female in no way opens himself to any self-proclaimed gender expert. Who is anyone to decide anything for this young man. We may see the signs of things to come, we may relate to it so very truely, but this journey is his and his mothers, respect it and keep your lipstick to yourself.

Cassie

Jenny Brown

08-21-2009, 08:13 AM

Wow big shocker there.........
How'd I guess you of all people would have disagreed with what maryklinden has said
I disagree with you too if that's any consolation to you. :heehee:

mklinden2010

08-21-2009, 08:44 AM

DS and TC,

I would have no problem with CDing at Macy's - my cash is as good as anyone's.

And, I did not say GnH should parent the kid. He - as we all should - should manage his life so that his choices, interests, politics and viewpoints do not someday come as a sudden difficult-to-deal with damaging surprise to himself and others.

Xenia

08-21-2009, 09:32 AM

I'm firmly in the "don't get involved" camp.

I mean, as we all know, crossdressing is easily the worst thing in the entire world that you can do. Under NO circumstances should you ever admit to anyone that you're into that kind of thing, and you certainly shouldn't go around insinuating that it's in any way an acceptable behavior. This is basic stuff, people...don't you remember the speech we got on the first day? The first rule of crossdressing is, You do not talk about crossdressing. The second rule of crossdressing is, YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT CROSSDRESSING.

Here you have a teenager who looks like he might actually be showing some signs of comfort and self-acceptance regarding this awful lifestyle. The best thing you can do for his advice-seeking mother is to remain stone-faced, agree that it's quite an unfortunate situation, and maybe urge her to "do what needs to be done" to nip it in the bud. Do not even suggest anything along the lines of "It's no big deal," lest you be branded a SYMPATHIZER. Or worse!

Hopefully, the mother will harangue the boy and forbid him from ever dressing up again, he'll develop a robust sense of shame, and he'll repress the hell out of this side of himself for the rest of his life. Then he'll be cured! Everyone wins!

(Yes, in case you haven't caught on by now, I'm being sarcastic. Now seriously....here we have a young "sister" who's in a pickle because Mom caught him and is terrified that he might be gay, or a sexual deviant, or worse....and Mom, completely serendipitously, comes to EXACTLY the right person to offer some perspective.....and some people's instinct is to say things like "Run the other way!" and "Nothing good can come of this"? Seriously? Unbelievable.)

Sarah_GG

08-21-2009, 09:51 AM

I have to say I agree with DRS... If anything, I would get your wife to try to explain about TGism to the neighbour without outing yourself... at this stage. :)

Xenia

08-21-2009, 01:45 PM

And those realities include men that fool around with neighbor boys can get into BIG trouble! And there R LAWS against that!

What do you mean by "fooling around"? Look, no one is suggesting that he invite the kid away for a private weekend of crossdressing at a secluded estate in the Appalachians.

What has been suggested is that his wife take Mom aside and say something like, "Hey, this might seem like a really strange thing to you right now, but I know for a fact that it's no big deal, because my husband is a Perfectly Normal Guy who does the same thing." That seems perfectly reasonable to me, and it seems like it would go a long way towards allaying the woman's uneasiness. And I think that putting it that way would be far more effective than the middle-ground, don't-out-yourself route of saying "Hey, I have a friend, who has a friend, who has a friend, who's a crossdresser, and he's OK."

To think that this woman, after hearing something like the above, would somehow leap to the idea that guynheels has been surreptitiously inculcating the youth into his nefarious lifestyle seems awfully paranoid to me.

Jenny Brown

08-21-2009, 01:53 PM

What has been suggested is that his wife take Mom aside and say something like, "Hey, this might seem like a really strange thing to you right now, but I know for a fact that it's no big deal, because my husband is a Perfectly Normal Guy who does the same thing."
IMHO, something like that would be a huge mistake. Who says this kid's Mom wouldn't broadcast it to the whole town? Don't get involved AT ALL is the best advice. Let this family deal with their own issues. This is the type of thing that could come back to bite you.

DanaR

08-21-2009, 01:56 PM

LisaM

08-21-2009, 02:31 PM

I agree with those that think that the wife should educate her neighbor without outing the spouse. She can definitely point the way for both her neighbor and her son without introducing a new issue.

PaulaJaneThomas

08-21-2009, 03:25 PM

If anything, I would get your wife to try to explain about TGism to the neighbour without outing yourself... at this stage. :)

With respect, I disagree with some of what you say. As long the OP is happy to be outed then that will allow the wife to talk about about TGism with some authority. It will allow the mother to see that being TG is not incompatible with having a normal family life. Step one in all of this should be to help the mother come to terms with her son's TGism.

Sammy777

08-21-2009, 03:30 PM

I disagree with you too if that's any consolation to you. :heehee:

Thanks for making my day! :lol2:

:w00t: :Party2: :yahoo:

Xenia

08-21-2009, 05:33 PM

Who says this kid's Mom wouldn't broadcast it to the whole town?

You're right. There's no guarantee that she wouldn't. But if she's really as close to Guy's wife as he says, it seems highly unlikely. And do you really think that the overall guiding force in life's decisions should be desperate avoidance of every little risk?

Hey, I'm just saying what I would do in the situation. I'm not "out" at all. But I'd encourage my wife to talk to this woman, and I'd tell her that, if it seemed appropriate and would help reassure her, she should go right ahead and out me to her (making it clear that this was being shared in confidence, of course) without a second's thought.

I remember all too well being 15 myself. The guilt and confusion about why I felt the need to borrow my sister's clothes whenever I could get away with it. And the scorching, white hot terror at the thought of getting caught (thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I never was).

If my mom had caught me and gone off on a screaming/crying jag like this, I'd've wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

But if she'd come back later and said, "You know, I talked to a good friend of mine, and I did some thinking, and now I think I overreacted earlier. This isn't such a big deal, and if it makes you happy, go for it," I'd've been the happiest kid in the world.

And as I'm reading this story now, I'll say that if I were in a position to help bring about that latter conversation, and did nothing because I was afraid of what would happen to me, I'd feel like the biggest asshole in the world.

Olivia

08-21-2009, 08:43 PM

So you are outed to Mom. Maybe Mom thinks well, how about that? If my nice neighbor does that, then it is alright after all. Well, that's what we all would like for her to say isn't it? But, maybe Mom, who is already very distraught, doesn't react like we wish she would. She might certainly begin to see you in a new light for sure; a light that might lead her to suspect all sorts of things in her agitated state. A mother who is that concerned for her son might conclude something totally wrong. In today's world, things could spiral out of control quickly, and quite ugly as well. Don't out yourself. Find a way to support them both but don't put yourself in the 'jack-pot'.

Hey, you know, this isn't about not being ashamed of being a crossdresser. It isn't about "taking a stand for the cause". If you feel fearless and believe that nothing bad can come of your involvement, then dive in. Many here cannot take that risk. If you feel froggy, jump.

heatherdress

08-21-2009, 10:55 PM

Unless you are a professional counselor, just be a good neighbor and simply let your wife be a good friend. You really do not know what your neighbor's son feels like. You do not know all of your neighbor's family issues and problems. This is not about you. Let you neighbor work this out without confusing things. Keep things simple. I think you can help best by not helping.

sterling12

08-22-2009, 12:35 AM

OK Guyinheels, you have now heard EVERYBODY'S OPINION. It's been quite a few days, so how about an update?

If you can tell us; what has happened, what you decided was your best course of action, and what do you think The Future holds for this family?

We all shot our "Opinion Wads," so we now want to know! Please keep us informed.

Peace and Love, Joanie

Cathytg

08-22-2009, 12:50 AM

Ol Charlie Dickens would say that outing yourself here is "a far, far better thing to do". That could be a line from A Tale of Two Selves. OK, I will stop trying to be cute.

Only you can evaluate the consequences of outing yourself in this case. But, only you can share some very valuable and possibly life-changing insights and advice. But, before you do it, be sure to evaluate your own TG as it applies to your life. Be sure that you feel very solid about yourself and that you have valuable thoughts that would have helped you in that same sort of situation years ago.

Go in peace.

JiveTurkeyOnRye

08-22-2009, 01:02 AM

Ok, the biggest problem or conflict in this thread is that everyone is making wild assumptions based on one single post without a ton of information.

First of all, let's stop acting like this kid is perfectly well adjusted just because his sister and her friend know. Let's not forget that the reason his mom originally became suspicious is that his behavior had changed so dramatically that she thought he was doing drugs or something worse. Despite how "convienent" it may seem to some that his mom just happened to catch him and his sister, doesn't mean they planned it. Kids get caught all the time doing things they don't expect to be caught doing. I definitely almost got caught dressing a few times as a teen, and also sneaking out of the house, and it wasn't cause I wanted to be caught. Teens do dumb stuff.

Having said that, we're also assuming a lot about the relationship between the two women. So rather than say "Hey, she'll obviously think that guynheels corrupted her son," why doesn't GnH instead talk to his wife about it and say "Do you think she'll think that?" Obviously there is some level of trust between the wife and her friend that her friend felt she could tell her, the wife probably knows if her friend would blab her husband's secret to the neighborhood.

So all Guynheels should do right now is decide with his wife if they are comfortable with the wife's friend knowing he crossdresses. That's the first step. Then if they decide to move forward, as others have suggested, it should be his WIFE, not him, that talks to her friend and just says "Ok, you trusted me with a big secret, so I'm going to trust you." and then go into the information about her husband.

No offer whatsoever should be made or even inferred for Guynheels to speak to the kid, and guynheels absolutely should not do so without the boy's mother suggesting it first. And if the mother does suggest such a thing, make sure she is present and that GnH's wife is present too. Also, as others have said, no attempt to play gender therapist should be done, no "tips on crossdressing" should be shared. The only thing that GnH should do is provide an example for the boy's mother of an adjusted, stable, married man who wear's women's clothing, and if need be, pass on some constructive references for information should the mother and son decide to pursue that on their own.

Yes, there is a lot to risk here, which is why the most important thing is for him to speak with his wife about what she thinks the best course of action here is, rather than us bickering back and forth about what her friend who we don't know would do.

And honestly, if they decide not to out GnH, it has been a few days, The wife could conceivably say "Hey, after I talked to you, I asked a friend of mine who crossdresses and he told me to tell you...." Honestly, I think it's reasonable that a stranger consulted would provide some helpful info. If someone you knew who new about your dressing said "Hey, my girl friend just caught her son crossdressing, do you think you could give me some info to help her deal with what to do" that you wouldn't be like "oh sure, here check out this web page and this book..." I think it's a pretty wild assumption to think that the friend would make the leap from "I talked to a friend" into "my husband crossdresses"

NJTopMaster

08-22-2009, 01:12 AM

All good advise, as most said. The lady wanted to speak to your wife and you were asked to leave. It is still in your wifes hands. Stay out unless asked.

Best to all involved

DawnRodgers

08-22-2009, 01:19 AM

For someone at that age I would not out myself but I would recommend that both the mother and the son seek professional help - to educate her and to help the son understand what he is feeling and going through. There likely is nothing worse than a nonprofessional at talking to someone and, likely, not having a clue as to what to say or do or recommend. It would be folly to get involved in a situation such as this a young man, an unknowing neighbor. I think that there can oinly be a disaster waiting to happen in this situation.

Emily01

08-22-2009, 01:31 AM

what a fascinating turn of events!

my first thought would be this.... "to what end?" what outcome are you trying to help her toward?

let's not beat around the bush, there's likely some element of sexuality involved here and so a misstep could be very sobering.

if your purpose is to help her understand that crossdressing isn't a life sentence to homosexuality.....do you know for a fact that's not the case with her son?

if it is to give her assurance that a crossdresser can lead a fairly average and ordinary life you might be just the ticket.

if it's to point her toward resources where she can be more accepting of her son, help him find his own way and the two of them maintain a healthy relationship......i'm sure you can do a great job of that.

the very best of luck to you and them!

JiveTurkeyOnRye

08-22-2009, 09:20 AM

if your purpose is to help her understand that crossdressing isn't a life sentence to homosexuality.....do you know for a fact that's not the case with her son?

I've seen this a couple of times in this discussion and it sort of hasn't sat right with me.

we don't know the sexuality of the son, but that shouldn't matter, should it really? There's a difference though between saying the two things don't go hand in hand and saying that there's no way he is.

The point is to say, if he is a crossdresser and he ends up being gay, he's likely not gay because he's a crossdresser and he's not a crossdresser because he is gay.

The emphasis of the discussion should be on the fact that Guynheels is well adjusted, happy, and stable, and that a crossdresser can be such things. And yes, since he *is* straight, that he is happily married to a supportive, amazing woman who accepts him.

I guess I just don't think the point to hammer home for this woman is that she should only be accepting of her crossdressing son if it means he's not likely to be gay.

Rachel05

08-22-2009, 09:50 AM

The absolute worst thing about being a cross dresser when I was young, was thinking I was the only one and must be weird and then some, at least this lad has his sister to help him but the mother must be having a struggle and my guess would be believing herself to be at fault, if she can be made to understand that it is not a bad thing and learn to support him, it will in turn help her - me I would try and help the mom

Steveo

08-22-2009, 01:25 PM

hi. first of all we need to know that the friend came to guy&heels wife woman to woman, as much as we'd like to think that as crossdressers we instantly become as one with woman kind, this woman has turned to a friend for comfort and support, secondly why is it essentual that guy&heels is supposed to be the expert, two things here in two years how close have the to familys become and that includes the child, and would you feel at fifteen if you found out that your mother had been telling the hole street that you crossdress, one surgestion (only) would be (and this has to be from the mother's persueing the situation with guy&heels wife is as two woman on a learning curve, in as much as you have a problem you came to me for support letts learn together, but it must be the two woman friends as far as i can see. cheers bye:)

BLUE ORCHID

08-22-2009, 09:09 PM

Do yourself a favor don't get involved it could be the most sorry day of
your life run don't walk away from this before it bites youin the a$$.
.
.................................................. ......................thanks......ORCHID

MissConstrued

08-23-2009, 12:27 AM

I would recommend that both the mother and the son seek professional help -

Yeah, that won't make Mom think there's anything wrong... "Seek professional help!"

:brolleyes:

And I'm sure that's feckin' great for the kid, too... "Come along, son, we're going to see a psychiatrist about your... uh... disorder..." Like that won't feckin' scar a kid for life.

Ho-leeee shit.

WTF is wrong with you people?

Claire Fleming

08-23-2009, 02:17 AM

I'm a new poster and not sure what I'm doing, but .........

All the replies to the original post are coming from those of us who have been cross dressing for years. We have all accepted this and are living with it one way or another, even if we are still in the closet.

This boy's mother has been faced with CDing for a couple of days. It is probably the first time in her life that she has been involved with it. Not only is her son doing something that she regards as 'weird/freaky/degenerate' (delete as necessary), but her daughter is complicit in it. The two are her whole family.

She has confided in a friend, without knowing her husband is also a cross dresser. I cannot believe that some posters here think that the solution to her anguish (and it WILL BE anguish for her) is for that friend to then reveal that and offer her husband as an expert.

If the mother is to come to terms with her son's dressing it is going to take weeks, if not months. It will almost be like a bereavement. There's no use telling a newly-widowed wife that her husband is in heaven.

What she needs at this early stage is a friend, a shoulder to cry on, support. Only when she starts to accept reality would it be time to start offering advice, information and resources. It may be that the son will promise never to dress again and the sister never to encourage him and the matter will drop. The mother may announce that it is 'fixed' and never mention it again.

A 'one step at a time' approach is needed here and not two size twelves (with or without 4-inch heels) diving in where they will almost certainly not be appreciated.

Almost every poster is looking at this as GnH's 'problem.' GnH doesn't have a problem. Neither has GnH's wife. She has a duty as friend. The 'problem' is the mother's, but she is already sharing it and that's good. The poor woman is probably already imagining her son as gay, walking through the neighbourhood as a girl to her eternal shame, while posters here are concerned about whether she'll blab about GnH to the neighbours or the sister to friend at the high school. She needs a listening ear, reassurance and fortunately GnH's wife through time can give that and also suggest avenues of support. The fortunate circumstance is that GnH is a CD with an understanding wife whose role is to give support through his wife, NOT first hand.

Just my novice's advice for what it's worth.

Lana_CD

08-23-2009, 06:04 AM

I just did a google search for "teen son caught crossdressing" and the first answer tha popped up would help her tremendously.
Maybe, the wife could make the suggestion for the mother to do the same and, maybe, even assist her in doing so if she is computer illiterate or doesn't have access to a computer.
Let the mother make the decisions as to how to pursue the information and otherwise stay out of any decision making of how to handle her son's situation.
While there is nothing that can be done about someone being gay, cd, tg, ts or whatever, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it either, in my opinion. We are what we are. The only thing bad is societies views and accwptance of said situations but they are changing. The ratio of cd/gay is no greater than non cd/gay.
Good luck,
Lana

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/children.htm

iwearstockings

08-23-2009, 06:25 AM

let your wife have a conversation with the mum, with you present if you wish, but I would avoid talking directly to the child unless invited to. If you do, for your own sake make sure there is someone else present.

chrissie-h

08-23-2009, 06:48 AM

An understanding ear is usually the best way to play it. Assuming, of course she wants to open up! Once you're sure you really know what her concerns are, you could try offering alternative views ... to allay her fears. See how she reacts before opening up yourself.

JiveTurkeyOnRye

08-23-2009, 09:48 AM

She has confided in a friend, without knowing her husband is also a cross dresser. I cannot believe that some posters here think that the solution to her anguish (and it WILL BE anguish for her) is for that friend to then reveal that and offer her husband as an expert.

I don't think anyone is advocating that GnH be an "expert." All that he serves in this situation as an example for the woman that "it can be ok." He's a crossdresser, and he's ok. That's it.

To use your widowed wife example, it may not help her to be told her husband is in heaven but there are support groups for surviving spouses and they seem to provide a lot of comfort. Being told by her friend that her husband is a crossdresser and that it is not the end of the world if her son is, is not unlike a surviving spouse having a conversation with another, that tells them, I'm not the only one to go through this and I have someone I can trust with my feelings.

Xenia

08-23-2009, 10:27 AM

It may be that the son will promise never to dress again and the sister never to encourage him and the matter will drop. The mother may announce that it is 'fixed' and never mention it again.

Yes. Repress, deny, repress, deny, repress, deny. How many of us here have been through this scenario, of promising a parent or significant other that "I'll never do it again!" only to find it's an impossible promise to keep? Here, the kid gets driven deeper into hiding and learns he can't be completely honest with his mother, and Mom goes right on believing her son's a freaky pervert and just pretends not to think about it. Isn't this exactly what we should be trying to avoid?

The calls for professional help seem to be way overboard, too. Sure, maybe down the road, if the kid really does have deep-seated gender dysphoria or suspects he might be transsexual, then yeah, let's talk about professional help. But we have no way of knowing if that's the case. Maybe he just likes playing dress-up. That's as far as it goes with me, and I sure as hell don't need professional help.

And here's another way to come at this: Say guynheels is completely in the closet here, and intends to stay that way forever. Any hesitancy to reveal himself would certainly be understandable. But say he keeps his mouth shut now, and at some point in the future, either decides to uncloset himself or gets accidentally outed. What would Mrs. Nextdoor think then? She'd think he's a hypocrite and a selfish prick for not speaking up when he could have done some good, most likely. And it would definitely reinforce any ideas she had about CDing being a shameful thing that should always be kept secret.

P.S. Oh, yes, guynheels, we need an update here. I'm too invested in this now not to know how it all ends. :)

VeronicaMoonlit

08-23-2009, 12:22 PM

Ho-leeee shit.

WTF is wrong with you people?

Shame. To some, it's a shameful thing, this thing of ours, that no one can ever know about. Hell, I still have shame issues at times, and in part that's one of the reasons I post my real name with every post (that'll change if I ever start my transition) So, for some, the very thought of coming out in a limited way to the mother to help the kid is very frightening. I'd also hazard a guess that the average age of the "stay out of it" folk is higher than that of the "help the woman" folk.

My late mother and sister have carte blanche in this matter. They can tell whomever they want, and I know my sister has done so.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

Jenny Brown

08-23-2009, 01:01 PM

Shame. To some, it's a shameful thing, this thing of ours, that no one can ever know about. Hell, I still have shame issues at times
True. And that's exactly why the kid's Mom freaked out. cd-ing is not normal. It's considered a shameful thing. Whether it is or not isn't the point here. Society's attitude won't be changing anytime soon.
And to whomever: please don't run that old cd routine of "it's society's problem, not ours" because that's not true and you know it.
This thread has reached almost a 100 posts for what?
It's a no-brainer. Stay out of this situation. :doh:

mklinden2010

08-23-2009, 01:25 PM

>>True. And that's exactly why the kid's Mom freaked out. cd-ing is not normal. It's considered a shameful thing. Whether it is or not isn't the point here. Society's attitude won't be changing anytime soon.
And to whomever: please don't run that old cd routine of "it's society's problem, not ours" because that's not true and you know it.
This thread has reached almost a 100 posts for what?
It's a no-brainer. Stay out of this situation.

Mom is freaked out probably because that's how this Mom handles stuff... Another Mom might have said, "A party? Why didn't you tell me? Who else is coming and do we have enough chips?"

CDing is as normal as it gets; this is life. And, "shameful" to some, not all. Denial's normal too. So is hysteria. Which one is healthier?

Well, that depends. Each serves a purpose, when you get down to cases. Which boat do you want to be in in this life - which one do you want to help row and in what mood?

So, OK, you stay out of this and offer your position for everyone to con-sid-er. That's fine - one gal, one vote.

However, to put and end to this thread, send me the address and phone number of these folks and I'll go chat the family up.

Why not be normal about all this? You want support, help, information, tips? I got all that.

Glad to share.

Rachel Morley

08-23-2009, 02:05 PM

There are a couple things on my mind about this situation and that is: Do we know what is the root cause of the problem is as far as the Mom is concerned? I mean to say, is it that her son might be gay or is it that he's a crossdresser, or is it something else like she feels bad that her son didn't feel comfortable enough to tell her? My point is, if it made her cry it must be important to her. If you out yourself and somehow she has a dislike for cding you might change the relationship between your wife and her friend.

If on the other hand it's all about her son being gay (or so she thinks) maybe she's homophobic and whether her son is gay or not, telling her that you dress isn't going to change anything in that regard.

IMHO there are too many unknowns to start sharing private information about your life with this Mom. If we knew for sure the problem for her was was only about not wanting to accept that her son likes to dress up then maybe it would be fine to tell her about you, (if you know she can be trusted not to tell other people) but if you do tell her, I'd ask your wife to do the talking and somehow let her friend know that cding can happen within families and its not all bad. In other words it hasn't ruined your relationship so it shouldn't ruin her's with her son. :2c:

Shelly Preston

08-23-2009, 02:24 PM

The wife is in the ideal position to help this woman and her son

She has no need to out anyone She can be supportive to the Mother and explain what crossdressing is all about
She has had time to do some research which she can help the mother with as she is obviously worried and has some questions
I am sure she can explain what she know from an objective point of view

She has probably asked all the questions herself in the past so will understand the situation

I agree with those who say Guy n heels does not need to get involved, nor should he other than helping his wife with information

SusanCACD

08-23-2009, 03:16 PM

I for one am dying to find out what has happened since then. I can only wish the young man the best and hope he is coping better than I did.

Susan

Karen564

08-23-2009, 04:23 PM

My advise to you is, do Not be directly involved in this matter..

But you can help your wife out by getting her some information & resources for Her to give to the the boy's mother, and then be done with it..there's no reason for you to have direct contact with the boy or mother..

What ever happens after that is a personal family matter between the mother & her son...

:2c:

Angie G

08-23-2009, 09:02 PM

I may be to late but if not Maybe you could offer some info on dressing like it don't make the person gay or want to become a girl . You and your wife can do this without coming out to her. Your coming out may make her feel she has nowhere to go for help.:hugs:
Angie

guynheels

08-24-2009, 11:53 AM

Gerard

08-24-2009, 12:19 PM

I thought I would post an update to what was happening next door. My wife spoke to our neighbor yesterday afternoon and she is now thinking about packing he son up and moving him in with his father out of town! I have met his father and I know why he is not a big part of their life because the guy is quite frankly, a jerk! According to my wife she feels that the reason things are the way they are is because he does not have a father figure in his everyday life. She has not told him about the boy dressing up but thinks that living with his father will make it go away. My wife told her that she should go online and research the subject or seek professional help before she did anything rash but I don't know if it helped. As I said, this is really a mess. I will let you know more when I hear something.

Whoa. Sounds like very much an over-reaction that will end up hurting everyone even more. If the mother loves her children and knows the father is a jerk, then she's only going to hurt herself and the people she loves if she does this. Still people do that all the time if they see no good solution.
Ask her if she thinks she'll be happier and if her son will be happier with this solution. Does her son enjoy living with her and his sister? A solution that ends up with everyone feeling miserable can't be good. It needs more time to come up with a better one.

It's going to be hard to convince the neighbour if she's acting that way though. I think she'll end up hurting herself and her children if she goes through though, and experience here tells that it's almost certainly not going to "fix" things. I'd suggest being a bit more bold, if you (or your wife) can, in persuading her, I think it would be a very sad outcome.

I would at this point not try to communicate with the boy directly. The mother needs to feel in control and she is the parent. I'm not sure what I would do if he ends up being sent to his dads place. I agree with a lot of people here that if would have helped me too, if I had known at an earlier age that I was not alone. I would certainly consider something like an anonymous letter or something, if things didn't work out otherwise.

mklinden2010

08-24-2009, 12:29 PM

1)

Funny how all the gay and lesbian people on the planet had mothers and fathers, yet turned out the way they did anyway.

2)

I'm neither one or the other, but I crossdressed from a young age and never thought much about it - it was just something "I" did and my own observations of life taught me that it wasn't really that big a deal. So, I just did what I wanted to do anyway.

3)

Crossdressing, like much gay and lesbian activity, is often impossible to detect unless someone wants to be "out." It's nearly impossible to detect because it's irrelevant to nearly everything.

Do you think a hungry lion cares if you're gay, or, crossdress, or, both? Does money crawl out of your purse and back into your wallet out of shear disgust? Do people care enough about what you do that they search your house and car daily to see what YOU might be up to?

No, no, and no. Doesn't matter, doesn't happen, and, (normally) too much trouble and you're not bothering anybody anyway.

4)

But... Here goes another Jew, I mean, kid, shipped off to a concentration camp, I mean, crummy Dad's home, so that he can be cured of something that's just who he is - by a Nazi, I mean, Dad, who's probably clueless about what to do anyway - or, life would be different for that entire family.

Yeah, take him, take them, I'll just stand here on my doorstep and figure they'll leave when the truck is full and not come back.

Makes me wanna shout, "Gay Pride!" and go rescue the kid.

It's better than doing nothing - and waiting for the knock on my door...

TxCassie

08-24-2009, 12:31 PM

The mother is correct. The dressing probably will stop, not because the fatherly figure "cured" him but because the femm side of the boy will be so scared, he will put her deep deep away. Once he does that, he will either throw himself into being the butchest, baddest macho boy he can be or become quiet, withdrawn, depressed, and unsure of himself. Either way, his self-identification foundation will be shakey at best.

If he does so happen to continue dressing, and his dad cathes him, well, I don't see anything good coming from this type of scenerio. Of course, GnH says the father is a jerk, let's hope not. But, we all know the odds are against the father being open and accepting from the accounting GnH gave us.

Lets hope the boy's mother will take twice before she moves him away. If GnH's wife can convince the mother to talk to her son, be open, and just take it one day at a time.

Keep us up to date GnH. and Good Luck. Be Wise.

Cassie

MichelleP

08-24-2009, 12:45 PM

GuynHeels,

Based upon your posts and FWIW, please remember that your neighbor is attempting to "help" her underage son (no matter how misguided we as outsiders may find that help to be). Please don't underestimate the love of a mother for her children either. If your neighbor does not wish to seek information from the internet or a counselor/therapist as your wife has suggested, your neighbor may be unwilling to accept information from any source on this personal family matter. As onerous and closed-minded as this sounds, there is little that can be done by you or your wife except to offer counsel when asked. As chivalrous and good-natured as it sounds, an introduction of you as a crossdresser will most likely be met with suspicion and you will be percieved by your neighbor as a potential threat and not as a well-adjusted outsider there to offer their help.

Getting involved with interpersonal family issues involving a minor is very risky...

Michelle

KarenCDFL

08-24-2009, 01:34 PM

I have to agree with docrobbysherry (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/member.php?u=47561) and some of the others here. In a perfect world where everyone would help anyone else the answer to help is very easy but the fact of the matter is that the boy is underage and we live in "Who can I blame for this" world.

If the 15 yo boy or his mother take your help wrong, it could become a police and legal matter.

On top of being outed to the rest of the world. The boy and his mom are very unstable at this point and the mother would just love to blame this on someone.

And what if the boy is gay? BFD! HE will be who he is without any interference.

The best thing neighbors can do is BUTT OUT!. You could suggest softly that the boy and his mom seek a good therapist but that is all.

Guy, please be careful in this situation, there is no telling how you and your family could be hurt personally and professionally.

mklinden2010

08-24-2009, 02:37 PM

Shameful, gutless responses.

If, "the lord helps those who help themselves," there's no hope for many of you responders.

"See ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya!"

Ras

08-24-2009, 03:00 PM

Like moving him to a "father" figure will cure his dressing...specially when he is a jerk..yea right..tell me how will this one will work out. The father catches him..mentally and possibly physically threatens him and causes further harm then to just let him dress and guide him and be supportive of him.

I thought I would post an update to what was happening next door. My wife spoke to our neighbor yesterday afternoon and she is now thinking about packing he son up and moving him in with his father out of town! I have met his father and I know why he is not a big part of their life because the guy is quite frankly, a jerk! According to my wife she feels that the reason things are the way they are is because he does not have a father figure in his everyday life. She has not told him about the boy dressing up but thinks that living with his father will make it go away. My wife told her that she should go online and research the subject or seek professional help before she did anything rash but I don't know if it helped. As I said, this is really a mess. I will let you know more when I hear something.

maxi_in_az

08-24-2009, 03:22 PM

You might bery well be able to help as an understanding male and KEEPING yourself in that role. Providing too much information in an attempt fo rthe young man to identify with you could be disastrous (to both of you) Talking with and accepting him without passing judgement could be the best thing anyone could do for him while he figures out for himself where he is.

Xenia

08-24-2009, 05:17 PM

Poor kid....he wouldn't be this way if only he'd had a good, strong male role model in the house while he was growing up, like I did.

Ummmm.....whoops.

Lovely how Mom is now going to uproot his whole life (probably against his wishes) because she can't be bothered to try to understand something unfamiliar, and would rather just fall back on meaningless pop-culture cliches like "lack of a strong male role model."

While she's at it, maybe she ought to try sending him off on a nice ol' huntin' trip, or maybe one of them thar monster truck rallies.....that'll cure 'im up right good.

BLUE ORCHID

08-24-2009, 07:21 PM

Rule No.1 Don't get involved with teenagers!
.
Rule No.2 If you feel you must get involved with teenagers See Rule No.1 again!
.
.................................................. ........................thanks........ORCHID

Chiana

08-28-2009, 09:35 PM

No updates lately????

I don't think any reasonable person on here thinks it would be a good idea to send the son to live with the Father so he can be exposed to a manly man and get straightened out. I certainly hope that doesn't happen. But I would guess that Mom is thinking that living with only women is screwing him up and we all know that is not the situation at all. But at this point it doesn't seem like Mom is very open minded. And I still think it would be a mistake for GnHz to throw himself into the discussion. I think GnHz wife can try to be a good friend to the obviously freaked out Mom. And maybe try to get her to think about the negative impact of breaking up her family. But I think GnHz trying to get involved would be like trying to put out a gas can fire by throwing a handgrenade on it. It is just not the appropriate thing to do at this time.

Brenda Freeman

08-29-2009, 01:19 PM

I agree with letting your wife take the lead, as they are good friends, and she came to her shows she trusts her,it would be good to hear from her friend (Your wife)about your cross dressing, and the fact that you have a wonderful relationship. She then could decide if she wants to talk to both of you together about this. I would not offer to talk to the children, If the mother is comfortable about what she learns from you both that would be a huge step for her and the relatiionship with her kids.
Probaly best for all not to jump in deep on this.
A side note if this works out what a lucky Boy, I hope it does! I can't imagine the stress going on their, actually I can!

ChrisP

08-29-2009, 02:08 PM

My original advice was not to become involved, and not to allow the drama of this family "crisis" drag you into it.

Now with this new wrinkle of Mom wanting to send the boy back home with Dad (who is described as a not entirely wholesome influence/responsible adult) I think you and your wife should offer some gentle, carefully nuanced advice.

First, since your wife is the friend of this neighbor, most of the suggestions need to come from her.

Your wife has already said to the neighbor that she would do some internet research on the issue, so there is the perfect opening for further discussion.
It's okay for your wife to mention to the neighbor that "You know, I told my hubby yesterday that X might be moving back with his Dad, but I didn't say why he's moving. Hubby said that your decision to divorce "Bob" was very perceptive and wise, and just from the few times he's met him, he's a little worried about how responsible a father "Bob" might be."

At that point your wife can share with the neighbor some print outs of her internet research on the issue, hopefully with some sage advice (and of course that is easy to find these days thanks to our search engines).

Your wife can even offer the opinion that the "experts" she's read about don't see this as a big deal, and that the positive influence her son receives from having her as a mother is vastly more important than the shallow masculinity of "Bob".

The key is don't push it...let Mom come around to this idea.
I suspect that she will.

Keep us posted,

Chris