Advice on comforting ones wife?

[Midnight Skye]

So I've had a very interesting (awful, awful) week. Suffice to say exploring my feminine self has left me with more quests and mess than answers. I told my mother a few days ago of being gender confused and not sure which way I was going yet. She took things well recommending I seek appropriate counselling and get an outside opinion on my behavior and emotions. So I'll be seeking a gender counselor in NC over the next few weeks/months.

My wife and me have been less fortunate. My gender confusion has created a mess of emotional frustration, confusion and abandonment for her. I love my wife very much, and I know I can get things right if I can reach emotional stability with myself. She has been wonderful and known about and accepted my dressing for the last year and a half. The crux of it though, is she's not sure she can accept me as a full time woman on the outside.

Does anyone have thoughts, advice, or tips on working with your wife and acceptance of a female "husband"? I know this is a very ugly question... and in the long run I may not ultimately end exactly there. But I know for sure I am more feminine than masculine. This has lead to me wanting to dress at home all the time, great deep urges to shop (groceries, Walmart, clothes, everything/anything) while en fem. I don't fear others opinion of me, I just want to be myself in whatever form, shape, size, or color that might be. And I want to be able to do that anywhere and everywhere.

I'm hoping to unravel the answer of where I'm going in talking here, with family, and with my future therapist. But I want to reach this far off destination with my wife by my side, and I'm looking for any tips on getting there.

Thanks,
Katlyn

[Susan Loves Life]

Hello Kathy, I'm Susan Elizabeth and I can most definitly relate to your situation. My wife and I have been married for 33 years as of this month. I finally admitted to my self that I was a woman 2 years ago. When I told my wife about it, she was shocked and was not sure she could live with me as a woman. It has now been 2 years, and I live 24/7 as Susan. Legal name change and everything. Now my wife has decided that she loves me and wants to stay with me. She is very supportive of me and we go everywhere toghter.

Sorry thsi was so long,m but i wanted to let you know that there is hope for you as well. Just let her adjust to you and don't push her. my best advide is for the both of you to talk openly with each other and with your therapist.

Best wishes

[Penelope Marie]

Hello Kathy, I'm Susan Elizabeth and I can most definitly relate to your situation. My wife and I have been married for 33 years as of this month. I finally admitted to my self that I was a woman 2 years ago. When I told my wife about it, she was shocked and was not sure she could live with me as a woman. It has now been 2 years, and I live 24/7 as Susan. Legal name change and everything. Now my wife has decided that she loves me and wants to stay with me. She is very supportive of me and we go everywhere toghter.

Sorry thsi was so long,m but i wanted to let you know that there is hope for you as well. Just let her adjust to you and don't push her. my best advide is for the both of you to talk openly with each other and with your therapist.

Best wishes

Pardon, me for saying this however, you don't state if you have been through SRS or not. i simply wondered how one could classify themselves as "woman' if they still carry the male package. I do not feel male either never have in fact i think i am female however, until i loose those male bits i am reminded i am male, least so far as the flesh is concerned.. As much as i hate that fact.I have not yet even seen a therapist due to a shortage of funds. (laid off) yet as soon as i can make it happen i will indeed seek a therapist and hope i can go through SRS. then and only then can i completely refer to myself as woman. If you still carry that male package then your body is male as mine is. Yet my soul and spirit is what i think is female. Yeah it's frustrating and i spend a lot of my life depressed due to the conflict with in myself. it is difficult and depressing to be two yet one persons. i usually wear a bra and forms though i do have a little breast tissue yet not enough tissue to suit me. i also usualy wear female clothing through and through yet that does not male me woman. I simply don't understand how one can refer to themselves as woman if they still have a males body.

[Margot]

A couple of years ago my wife asked me if I wanted to be a woman. She has known I love feminine things since before we were married (25yrs this year).
My answer at that time was no. Not because I didn't want to but because of the ramifications to our children, family and friends. I am deathly afraid of losing peoples respect. Her female friends told her she won the lottery when she married me. That is because I'm considered sensitive, caring and supportive of my wife's needs as a man and husband. When I found out about this I felt honoured but also a bit of a sham. I maybe a good find (others opinions) not me with a big head, but this is is because I have a very strong feminine nature. It is this part of me that allows my wife to support me as Margot and it must be of some comfort to her. I know she is proud of me.
All this to say; be the kind caring person you need to be and spend a lot of time attending to your wife's needs and concerns. You are the person you are no matter how you are dressed.
:hugs:
Margot

[Midnight Skye]

Ok well, the rest of our day passed by with some light. She's started asking me some very sound enlightening questions and indicated she has no plan on leaving me. She isn't sure how things would work though or how she'd feel. More than anything else she needs my love and attention, regardless of how I look or dress.

As for me... its everything about what I'm wearing... I have been uncomfortable in mens clothing since I was born. Being feminine to me is getting to wear all of the different wonderful fabrics, skirts, dresses, and other fun parts. Getting to wear chokers, paint your nails, wear your hair out long in different fun styles. And with all of this my biggest problem is when I only get to do it sometimes, I spend the rest of my time distracted wanting more. This leads to my wife, work, and family only getting half my attention at any given time... except when I'm expressing who I truly feel I am.

Interestingly... I'm not really interested in an SRS. I'm not very concerned about what's under my skirt... so long as its under a skirt. Hormones concern me... as I would love to give them a try... and perhaps one small body adjustment to aid those hormones. But otherwise I'm not jumping up and down for much of anything surgical. I'm much more concerned with growing my head hair out, and zapping the rest off.

Thanks for the thoughts Susan, Penelope, and Margot. Just between your three different situations one can see there are many different options and thoughts on what it is to be feminine and/or a woman. My wife and I will have many strange conversations ahead, regardless of what I decide.

[Veronica_Jean]

Katlyn,

I know my wife was extremely upset for a long time, but over the years it became clear to her that I was who and what I was which had nothing to do with her, and neither she nor I could change. She was willing to try and stay together and I would not be surprised to find the same will be true for you.

The advice already given is excellent and sound.

Penelope,

I could not disagree more with your point of view. I feel that our bodies do not define our gender rather we adjust our bodies to match.I realize not having a physical entity to associate our gender makes if more difficult, but considering there are people with both male and female genitals it clearly is not just that simple. If a male were to get in a terrible accident and lose his genitals does he now become a woman?

I don't want this to become a flame war, I just don't agree. I think I am just as much a woman now as I will be or could be after SRS.

Veronica

[sherri52]

Hi kathy I can' help myself as I am divorced twice due to cd'ing. Have you considered setting your wife up on this site. There is alot of help here

[Midnight Skye]

Yeah I may send her this way as things settle down some (in our life) I've pointed her to good information... but she's shy and people here are far from shy ;)

[robyn1114]

I wish I could offer some advise, but I haven't figured anything out for myself.
I don't know what's worse the confusion and depression caused by my gender issues or that fact that I'm slowly destroying my family because of said confusion and depression.

[Sandra]

My wife and me have been less fortunate. My gender confusion has created a mess of emotional frustration, confusion and abandonment for her. I love my wife very much, and I know I can get things right if I can reach emotional stability with myself. She has been wonderful and known about and accepted my dressing for the last year and a half. The crux of it though, is she's not sure she can accept me as a full time woman on the outside.


Katlyn

A year and a half is not very long. My SO has just begun the road to transition after nearly 5 years of living full time, but I have known about the cding for nearly all of the 22years we've been married.

I can only guess that your wife has got used to the cding and then she has to try to come to grips with this, it'sa lot to take on board.[/quote]





Interestingly... I'm not really interested in an SRS. I'm not very concerned about what's under my skirt... so long as its under a skirt. Hormones concern me... as I would love to give them a try... and perhaps one small body adjustment to aid those hormones. But otherwise I'm not jumping up and down for much of anything surgical. I'm much more concerned with growing my head hair out, and zapping the rest off.



Have you mentioned this to her? She may been thinking that you want to go the whole hog and is scared to say anything to you about it.


She would get a lot of help and support in the FAB forum shouild she join her, also she would know that she's not alone.

[Steph2003]

I think that seeking out the advice of a gender therapist is a great idea.

They'll be able to give you advice as to how to deal with the issues you are facing.

I've not told my SO of 20 years and I don't think she has any idea.

I've always been a little feminine and it hasn't bothered her, but before I do tell her I want to know everything about "me."

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Katlyn....my heart goes out to you and your wife...

I lost my wife to this, so i understand what you guys are going through..

You said a very interesting thing..



" I know I can get things right if I can reach emotional stability with myself"
This is no doubt true as it relates to YOU!

But just like she has to accept you for who you are, you have to accept that she may never be able to work with you and accept your inner female self coming out to live it's life...

This sounds harsh, but its the flip side of our situation...i'm not saying there is no chance or anything like that at all..i'm just saying that sometimes we all try way to hard to force people to accept us, or demand acceptance
(ie F*** OFF if you don't accept me!!!),

All I'm saying is that maybe you just need to state your situation, make sure she has resources to truly understand your situation, and comfort her that you love her and want to stay with her...and then you have to just LISTEN WITH LOVE AND EMPATHY AND PATIENCE

and not respond, and not fight back, and not try to persuade..you have to truly hear her and be there for her...everytime you say "yes but...", "listen to me on this..", "you have to...." etc, is another nail in the coffin...you can always talk to her about your situation, and answer her questions but you simply cannot try to convince or persuade ..it won't work..

you can't convince somebody to accept you anymore than she can convince you to BE A MAN....i made this mistake and it cost me..

by the way, this applies to everybody in our lives in my opinion...what's the cliche??? all you can do is bring the horse to water...


PS
and Penelope...i'm so sorry for your situation, but you could not be further from the reality of so many people's lives (including yours)....a penis is just that, letting it define who you are is THE PROBLEM......the SOLUTION is to take whatever steps you can to allow yourself to be the woman you know you are...no matter how you are physically living...

you are only hurting yourself by thinking this way, and I hope you can find resources and friends that can help you through all this

[LisaM]

Katlyn,

You got so much good advice here that there is nothing I can add. But I just wanted to let you know that there are others in the same place as you (like me). I will be thinking of you and hoping you and your SO can find a way to work it out. Go slowly and continue to show her your love.

[Jenn2716]

Hi Katlyn,
To add to the great advice that you have already received here, I would say that key things to keep in mind are honesty and patience. Be totally honest with her with what you are thinking and feeling. Then give her time to process and deal with things and when she's ready, continue to talk.

Good luck with everything.

[Sheila]

Katlyn hi and :hugs: as Sandra has said we have a great GG only section of the forum FAB, where she can come and talk to us GG's some of whom have gone through transition with their partner, some of whom are starting out on this journey with them, some of whom may do so in future and some who may never either need to or want to ............. whichever path your wife decides to take we will try to help you both as much as we can, we won't pressure but simply try to help you both :hugs:

[Poetic Awakening]

Cannot really add much here, as I, too, am going through this situation. I have just come out to my wife about 2 months ago, so I am not too worried about it... I know she thinks about it, and it hurts her. When we both are ready to go further, such as when I have the opportunity to see a therapist, I am sure things will progress. In which direction, I am unsure of though. Right now, I am just letting her know that I am still in love with her, even though she would rather ignore everything.

Best of luck to you, and I hope it works out for the both of you.
:)

Poetic