Selfish or not?

[Roberta-Jane]

Since my wife found out my perspective has changed a lot.

I am beginning to discover that most cd's that I see on this site are selfish, to a degree or am I wrong?

It seems that most of us expect a lot from our wives/SOs. At the very least we expect them to accept us despite the fact that they married a man. (Those that told their partner early on are perhaps not so guilty) At the worst they are expected to accept a fully en femme man 24/7. Yet some of our number accuse our GGs of being selfish. How so?

Perhaps we should all consider our positions?

What do others think?


Enquiringly


Roberta-Jane

[DanaJ]

I don't know Roberta Jane, I have seen many posts here that were very sympathetic to the wives and SOs. After all, how many guys would like it if their wife all of a sudden stopped shaving their legs, cut their hair, put on a fake beard and said they wanted to be a guy?

DanaJ

[emmicd]

It depends on the perspective you are taking in this argument. For one thing it is not a good idea to all of a sudden thrust all your feelings regarding cross dressing upon your wife and expect her to be understanding and sympathetic. Also it is not fair either to keep something from your wife and be deceitful and hide it. We are all guilty of this at some point since we are in the closet from the beginning.

As far as being truthful to yourself and your wife compromises have to be made. To deny your need or repress a part of you can cause anxiety and certainly can hurt both you and your wife. For we all strive to be the full person we are or can be. We however have social boundaries that we as everyday people try to adhere to. One of those boundaries is how we are supposed to dress. We are not supposed to veer from this but some of us do. Most do it secretly and with no support whatsoever. We are forced to live in secrecy and shame and this is dictated by how we should dress according to society! For some of us who have courage we try to get a taste and venture out to experience a part of us we have denied so long. So as far as being selfish I just don't see it that way.

I see it in a different way. I see some selfish aspects maybe such as shopping for oneself for clothes you really don't need because you hardly get to wear them anyway. That I feel is selfish. But for me buying clothes is a part of the cross dressing phenomenon. I also do buy for my wife and son too!

I do hope that my wife can accept this part of my life and understand that I have dealt with this for many years. I did not just dream it!

I will give her all the time she needs and will never fully dress in front of her or my son. I understand that. For me just wearing womens slacks and a polo shirt is all I hope to do when dressed in front of her.

I always respect others feelings and would never force this on anyone.

Emmi

[CharleneCD]

Roberta Jane, This is not a simple black or white issue, and it goes both ways. How many wives have been divorced or threatened with divorce because they gained weight. In this situation the guys are considered dogs and looked down upon. When anyone gets married they take a vow, "for better or for worse".

Now does that mean that Bunny has to accept any and all things that My being a CD brings? NO. Marriage is love and the art of compromise. Yes I expect her to accept my crossdressing, but at the same time I must understand that she needs me to be a guy for her at times.

So is it selfishnes? I dont think so. It is selfish to expect that your partner will never change, and it is even more selfish to dump them if they do.

[Cindy K]

“Selfish” I suppose that depends on the individuals point of view.

I once ask my wife if she would sooner me be a normal guy who went golfing, fishing or off to football matches or just sitting in the local at the weekend with the lad’s,
Her reply was no, you might x dress but at least we are together and I am not sat on my own while you are off out with mates. She then said, “I suppose I didn’t know it at the time but it was that side of you that I was subconsciously attracted to”

[mand]

Have I been selfish with "Jane" ? ..................... I would have to answer yes.
Do I feel bad about ?....................Definitely yes.

She married what she honestly believed was a full 100% male, I hid from her the truth the only the physical apperance was male, the mind and soul were definitely not male. My only exscuse is that I was in denial myself and I believed (foolishly) that one day my mind and soul would grow intune with my birth gender. I was wrong, as the years passed by my feelings just grew stonger, so strong that now the only way I am able to carry on this life is to live as a female, well as close as I can be anyway.

I do consider that marrying Jane without telling her of my true feelings is the most selfish act I have ever commited in my life.

love mand xxx

[DonnaT]

I think asking our wives to accept an integral part of who we are, something that we were born with, something we cannot change for there is no cure, and not to hate us for it, isn't asking too much.

Of course, asking her to accept it is different than asking her to see it, like it, endorse it or share in it.

[Robertacd]

I will have to admit sometimes I feel a little selfish.

[celeste26]

Imagine not having a mirror? Does that tell you a thing or two. This is all about our bodies and our feelings and our whatever our relationships are forever in peril and our self deception is what holds it all together. That seems selfish to me.

[crispy]

hey, I've been unselfish for 25 years, subjugating my desires, feeling ashamed of what I knew I was missing, being a good family man, husband and dad.

now I'm getting my life back. selfish ? .... yes, why the hell not. live life for yourself. if you're not happy then nobody else around you will be happy for long.

[Tia]

I must admit that I was a bit selfish when I decided to tell about my fantasies to crossdress to my girlfriend. Next day I realized that I had presented it in a way that I wanted to know, not only if she accepts it, but if she could like it... STUPID ME :loser:!

Later I have tried to fix it so that I just wanted to tell her about that fantasy, but I didn't expect anything from her. Well... Bad impression given, and that's probably one of the hardest things to fix...

I think it's selfish if I wouldn't tell about a big part of me to the one who should spend most of her life with me. About a part that shapes a lot of my personality. Specially if I would bind her with marriage before telling it.

But I also think the most selfish thing I can do is to expect her to fully accept it and like about it...

IMHO the most unselfish thing to do is to present this gently to her and not to decide before how she should react.

[Jodeeuk]

I dont think any of us would want to go out of our way to be selfish, but I do believe we get self absorbed,blinkered on the Crossdressing and forget about things that are really importent to us, like family, and spouses, I believe we should all take a step back from time to time, and reflect on how we comunicate with the people we love.

Transexuals cant stop being a transexual, crossdressing I believe is a mater of choices, and sometimes a few choices made in haste can take us down a path to a lonely place

[Marla GG]

I think asking our wives to accept an integral part of who we are, something that we were born with, something we cannot change for there is no cure, and not to hate us for it, isn't asking too much.

Of course, asking her to accept it is different than asking her to see it, like it, endorse it or share in it.


IMHO the most unselfish thing to do is to present this gently to her and not to decide before how she should react.


Excellent points, both of you.

I do think it is reasonable to expect your wife or girlfriend to accept your crossdressing as a part of you. We cannot pick and choose certain qualities in our partners and love only those. We have to love the whole person, including those aspects of them we don't find particularly appealing.

But as you wisely pointed out Donna, if you expect your wife to not only accept, but also enjoy and partipate in your dressing, you may be asking too much. Acceptance is simply this: your wife understands that expressing your feminine side is very important to you, and does not reject you or love you less because of it. An accepting wife won't put you down, call you names, or try to make you feel guilty about wearing women's clothes. She will not try to change you or demand that you stop. She may, however, insist that you respect her preferences regarding where, when, and how often you dress. There has to be a willingness to compromise on both sides. If you've never seen the Wives' and Crossdressers' Bill of Rights endorsed by Tri-Ess, check it out:

Wives' and Crossdressers' Bill of Rights (http://http://www.tri-ess.org/Wives_CDs_BofR.html)

I truly feel that within a marriage based on love and mutual respect, every wife has the potential to become accepting of her husband's crossdressing. But not every wife will want to actively support and participate in it, and that's okay. Derogatory labels like "selfish" are just a form of name-calling, and don't serve to improve communication or bring couples closer to finding a solution they both can live with.

[Lulie GG]

My first just husband was selfish because he would rather go fishing or fly his model aeroplane then spend QT time with me.

My second husband is a cross dresser who would probably want to dress more (we are working through that one) but knows I am uncomfortable (at the moment) with that.

Am I selfish with my first husband because I wanted to spend more time with him, and also with my second husband because at this point in time I cannot completely accept his fem side and already put down limits which have made me more comfortable.

Difficult one, COMPROMISE is the big word here but also in any type of relationship one or other partner is shelfish at times.

[Roberta-Jane]

My intention with this post was to stimulate discussion.

I too believe that we can get so self-entrenched with cding that we easily forget that our wives married a man.

As Lulie said, some form of compromise is the answer,but this will be different for different couples.

My wife and I are working hard but rocky patches still litter the river and I haven't yet found the tiller to the boat.

However, the intimacy between us is so wonderful now that we both want it to last so we are both trying not to be selfish


Peace and tranquility

Roberta-Jane :)

[NewShy21NJmtf]

funny this should come up now, as i have just been wondering if i have been being selfish. i'm currently unnatched, but i did come out to a GG friend of mine, and i have found that even though she accepts me and doesn't judge me, i want more. i want her to enjoy my crossdressing as much as i do, and to participate in it. i started seeking advice on how to do that, when i started to realize the question shouldn't be "How can I make her more involved in my CDing?", but rahter, "What does she get out of becoming more involved in my CDing?" Something to think about.

Stephanie :)

[StephanieCD]

I didn't even read the other posts because I wanted my response to come out the way it really is for you.

I am a very selfish person. No one would ever guess - most people say I'm giving - except those who REALLY know me. I'm selfish and vain and I have a guilt complex about it because I loathe those qualities in myself.


Oh - as for it's relation to my CDing... yes.

[Clare]

I am a very selfish person. No one would ever guess - most people say I'm giving - except those who REALLY know me. I'm selfish and vain and I have a guilt complex about it because I loathe those qualities in myself.


Oh - as for it's relation to my CDing... yes.
This is just how i've felt that way for the last three months!

I thought i was a nice guy, loving and giving, but since the missus left me, i have self doubt and guilt about myself.

About XDR'ing, I never told the ex, so no selfishness there.

Christine