Another Take on Passing, Pictures & Prettiness

[Starling]

Although the "Passing Revisited" thread got a bit testy, there were a couple of points that resonated for me. I don't know that I'm fully TS--my feeling is that I'm a mosaic, and I would miss my male side if I lost him--although shopping for male clothes bores me to death, and I ache for those rare times when I can express my female side in peace and tranquility.

Feminine clothes feel so right to me, so natural. They simply fit me better than male clothes. I have things in my closet that for a woman would be strictly utilitarian. Long hair feels right. With my wig on, I automatically assume feminine gestures. I love to flip the hair out of my face and run my fingers through it to remove the tangles. With my heels on, I walk like a woman without thinking. After all, I've had years and years of practice! My dressing may have been fetishistic when I was young, and sexual arousal a big part of it, but now I just want to feel like a woman when I dress.

And that feeling is independent of how realistically I might present. I'll probably never be mistaken for a woman, no matter what I'm wearing, but I love to dress and to look at the pictures of the beautiful women here, imagining that I partake of their beauty simply by being alive on earth at the same time. The few pictures on my profile page are not very forthright, and certainly not hot, but I wanted to play my hand in this wonderful game.

I don't resent the beautiful women here. It doesn't offend me when they enjoy their beauty enough to share it frequently. To the contrary, they make me feel beautiful and give me the courage to live with my divided nature. They reinforce my belief that I can be who I want to be, even when I can't dress. I can come here and look at their lovely faces, and read of their experiences and hopes and fears, and feel like one of them, like I belong.

It can feel very lonely to be how we are. I have shed many a tear in my life, and felt many regrets. But I don't regret a single moment I've spent here with my girlfriends, and I know I'm in great company.

Love,
Lallie

[Empress Lainie]

You are more likely to be taken for a woman that looks mannish, than be mistaken for a man.

If you present well with clothes and attitude and mannerisms, even if your face isn't pretty for a woman, I think you will be treated as a lady.

My SO has that problem but in general we are both treated as ladies wherever we go. True she gets some quizzical looks, and I don't.

This is a true heartache for her and she suffers much for it.
(Don't read this wrong, it isn't jealousy by any means, I mean she suffers that people look at her like that.)

[Patricia1]

[B]ut now I just want to feel like a woman when I dress. And that feeling is independent of how realistically I might present. I'll probably never be mistaken for a woman, no matter what I'm wearing, but I love to dress and to look at the pictures of the beautiful women here, imagining that I partake of their beauty simply by being alive on earth at the same time.

I don't resent the beautiful women here. It doesn't offend me when they enjoy their beauty enough to share it frequently. To the contrary, they make me feel beautiful and give me the courage to live with my divided nature. They reinforce my belief that I can be who I want to be, even when I can't dress. I can come here and look at their lovely faces, and read of their experiences and hopes and fears, and feel like one of them, like I belong.

It can feel very lonely to be how we are. I have shed many a tear in my life, and felt many regrets. But I don't regret a single moment I've spent here with my girlfriends, and I know I'm in great company.

Love,
Lallie

Lallie dear - what a lovely sentiment you express here. I believe you state a core sentiment about this website. No matter what degree of transgendered-ness we may occupy on the broad spectrum represented on this website, we all (mtf, that is, with all due respect to our ftm brothers) admire the female/feminine ideal/idea and adhere to it as our credo. I believe we all partake in one another's happiness and joy in our multi-dimensional existence. Maybe a little too much Zen here, but I think we get the idea. Thanks for your commitment to all of us. :hugs:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

IMHO -- Transition is a last resort..if you have a male side and get pleasure from it, then keep it...the other quality of life issues are incredibly difficult and risky...you risk everything about your quality of life EXCEPT your own internal sense of well being and self...but if you can keep that sense of well being despite any suffering caused by your gender issues...why give that up

for me it took a lot of convincing...i look back on lots of things in my male life with a smile...but the hard reality of it is that i didnt fit in no matter how hard i tried....my discomfort only increased with time and i stopped being as interested in the sports and video games and horror movies that filled my free time as a male...btw i MUCH preferred doing those things alone...when i was with the guys i just didnt get it and i abused drugs and alcohol to fit in...i lied constantly about what i was doing when i was not with my friends...

i still like those things fine (heh-even the alcohol)...i'm conditioned to do so, but now i feel comfortable and like i belong even tho i'm sure i will not be fully accepted as a woman by many....their loss

i've always believed that we are coping with a brutal and totally misunderstood situation...we all cope with it in our own ways....many times it can be based on how you look and your own confidence (ie the passing issues)
and i would never judge how another person handles it..
nobody knows but us...:straightface:

[Melissa A.]

I fought transition for a long time, as well. Obviously, I should not have. But it's not something you do if you have even a remotely satisfying life in your born gender. Not that I was always miserable. I have good memories, and good friends. But it was like my brain always expected me to be female, and everything, absolutely everything was a struggle, because of that dissonance.

I'm not saying you aren't TS, lallie. I don't know. Once you make that decision, though, passing, or at least looking nice is an issue, but it moves waaaay down on your list of concerns. Or I should say that the inability to do so won't stop you. Keep on looking and thinking and you'll find the answer. Good luck to you.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Starling]

Thanks so much for your generous responses. Although I feel at least 75% female, and could easily subdue the male 25%, I think it would take a real epiphany for me to consider SRS at my age, and with my entanglements. On the other hand, I believe it was a medical event last year which left me with a small, but psychologically traumatic, disability that propelled me from occasionally wearing pretty shoes around the house into buying a closetful of dresses, capris, skirts, tops, sweaters, coats--and many, many more shoes--and dressing fully whenever I could.

I find it immensely soothing. I can feel my blood pressure drop the minute I pull on my wig. I haven't learned to do makeup decently, and anyway it's not practical. My wife has acquired a real aversion to my dressing--after professing to accept it "completely"--and I must be able to undress in a flash. The slightest glimpse sets her off.

Before my wife changed her mind, I was feeling free for the first time in my life. She had known about me since before we wed, but the dressing was always subdued. Now I was really getting into it, taking her acceptance to heart. The sudden, 180-degree turn in her attitude really pulled the rug out from under me. I had imagined all sorts of fun we could have had together, and mostly anticipated more relaxed and extended dress-up sessions. But she fears that I will disappear into womanhood, and worse, that she will be replaced as the female principle in our family. I understand her insecurity, but I also feel like I was set up.

I have tried to reassure her that I have no intention of having surgery or even HRT, and that she will always have her man, but she seems stuck in the fear rut. She has even lashed out at me in our carport for wanting "to be a girl." She's right, of course, but it's a dream I have officially and honestly renounced, and I'd rather not be outed to the neighbors for something I can't even do.

Because now she is making it very difficult for me to dress, staying home most of the time, and not calling me before she returns when she does go out. Lately she has taken to not even setting her car alarm and coming in very quietly.

Believe me, this causes me more grief than does fear of not passing. I'm over sixty, and I feel as if I'm running out of time. I may have to take my female self somewhere else, which is a real pity, but I have a longtime, platonic GG friend who would probably enjoy hanging out with Lallie on a regular basis, and could probably help her work on this and that, and maybe even the other. I'm working up the nerve to broach the subject with her.

I love my wife very much, but I'm beginning to resent her keeping me from doing something that doesn't harm anyone and is so deeply soothing and life-affirming to me. Why is it so hard to live and let live?

Meanwhile, thank God for this place and for all you wonderful people.

Love,
Lallie

[noeleena]

Hi.. La lady
i.m 62 . & just over two years ago i had my ops . i.v been out as a woman for 11 years not to every one . yet you have to really know deep inside that you are a woman . to go through with it all . . the ?? is what can you afford to lose if you can not lose every thing then its not worth it . if you can then yes its more than life .. to have .
money . s o. children . home . the list goes on . can you give that all away . damm hard i can tell you . yet i was prepared to do just that . for what . just to be my self a woman . YES.........it would have done my head in yes . yet you know the greatst loss would have been to lose dejarn our grand child . now who is 6 y 7 m ... if i had lost her . i dought i would have carried on . she was born when i came out as a woman to every one then . . she has grown up with me from male to woman ... thats what it means to me thats what she means to me . shes my life .................with out her . just dont bother asking .......so the cost i count as very great . & could have been greater . it has in many ways & yes i am still paying not in money terms . in family .
...noeleena...