I'm stuck!

[Alexandra the Great]

I'm 21, and a MtF transsexual.

[Note: Anytime I mention 'transition', I'm not talking about full-on living female...my goal is to present myself as androgynous/bigendered, but leaning heavily to the female side]

I introduced myself a few weeks back, so you may or may not remember me, but I've being going through a lot of thinking and analyzing my feelings and life, and wasn't sure exactly what I'd gain from being on the forum. So I stopped posting.

Well, now I know what I want to say.

I'm 'stuck'.

What I mean is, I came out to my close friends and family a few years ago. They're all aware to some degree or another than I'm trans, and nobody has really objected or had any problem with it (well, nobody important, anyway).
I no longer live with my parents...I live about an hour away, in a larger city, with roommates.

So, here's where I'm at:
-I KNOW I want to transition to some degree or another.
-I've come out to everyone important.
-I'm financially stable.
-I'm able to pass, not exceptionally, but well enough.

From an outside perspective, there is nothing holding me back from transition. I can literally 'start' any day I want. But, for some reason, I still keep finding excuses not to transition.
The main thing holding me back is pretty much the fear of other peoples' opinions...even though, oddly, on the surface I don't really actually care. I think it's just become my 'default' mode to feel ashamed and uncomfortable, and I automatically revert to that mindset when I think about crossdressing in front of other people, even though my current feelings don't agree with that mindset (I hope that makes sense).

Since being out in the real world, I've overcome quite a bit of the self-consciousness and lack of confidence that was a huge problem in high school. I can smile, look people in the eye, hold conversations with complete strangers, and appear totally confident, even when I'm not.

But for some reason, absolutely none of this applies to being trans. And I simply don't have the strength to transition and THEN concern myself with overcoming confidence issues.

I know that I can probably LOOK and ACT confident if I wanted to (which is really half the battle), but I would still be very self-conscious internally, which almost completely cancels out any joy or happiness I'd feel from being who I really want to be.

Does anyone have any really good practical advice? No offense, but simply saying "You just have to will yourself to get over it" DOESN'T work for me.
The best I could ask for is some way to give myself the motivation to just walk out the door wearing something even the slightest bit feminine. From there, I can do it on my own.
Even just a suggestion of what that 'something barely feminine' is.
Anything helps, really, ladies.

Thanks in advance, everyone.

[TxKimberly]

Interesting problem. On the one hand, you might say that if it was an over whelming desire you would take the step, and the fact that you aren't taking it may imply that you aren't ready to do so and so shouldn't. On the other hand, if it's just a question of confidence, this can be addressed by getting out in the world as much as possible to develop that. (You don't make it obvious if you do or don't spend much time out).
In either case, I think it's a very personal decision and doubt very much anyone is going to be able to offer you a hell of a lot of help.
I can't help thinking that if your ambivalent about it, maybe you should leave it alone until you feel strongly enough about it to take that plunge.
Sorry, I just realized that I'm just babbling and not really offering you much of worth. . .

[sherri52]

I'm not in transition but what I will say is When you feel the mood to trans you go for it. If you are not confident inside then your not ready. Looking and acting confident doesn't make you confident. I wish you well in you endeavors but only you can give you your answer. There are ladies here and hopefully will write on this thread that may help you. There is alot of experience here.

[Alexandra the Great]

You guys made an interesting point, that I'm not transitioning because I'm not ready.
I will definitely take that thought to heart, although I can't shake the idea that it really is a matter of confidence.
The idea of transition is constantly bubbling up in the back of my mind throughout the day, almost every day. I feel a strong, strong urge to go through with it. I just can't get up the nerve to dress even slightly feminine. It's always, "Oh, well, I'll try it next week..."

[Charleen]

Hi Alexandra. I pretty much agree with Kimberly. I have to add though that if we wait "'til we're ready" I for one would never have gone out.
Ain't it amazing how afraid we are of what total strangers will think of us? I also live in the hurricane state and as a whole the place is conservative to say the least, but Tampa shouldn't be bad at all. Where I am is real small town. Literally and figuratively. I work in a town where everyone knows about everyone. Good thing I'm looked upon as strange to begin with. I don't push it. Long hair, long polished nails, purfume. A couple of years ago I went to a local comedy club with some friends and I dressed as me. Nice blouse, pink nail polish, hair styled, fancy earrings, and had a good time. Turns out a friend of mine who was in Korea at the time got an e-mail about me because of that night! My boss is very tolerant about the quirks of us that work for her but I don't want to push it.
I live 40 miles away though and I realized a while ago I really don't care what they think of me down at the local Winn Dixie! Went today all fem. No concealer but mascara, eye shadow, and a touch of lip stick with pink sparkle nail polish. Not a word was said to me or any that I over heard.
I'm an old broad who came to realizing the truth of who I am only about 4 years ago. I still fight the doubts and shame I grew up with but have also learned that they are false information. O to be 21 again and know what I know now!
Go enjoy who you are. Hell, most people don't even pay attention to those around them anyway!
Love and XXXX Lily

[AllieSF]

Kimberley said it well and she wasn't rambling. On the confidence side I recommend two things, one is therapy with a good transgender experienced person. The second as Kimberley suggested is to just go out as much as possible dressed like you want and act like you want. I always hated giving speeches in class and at work. Well, when you have no choice, a grade for speech class and a paycheck at work, you find a way to oversome your fear. At the end of the experience, you find out that you can do it. In my case give a speech, though not necessarily a good one. You may have to start with little steps and see how it goes. Good luck.

[Heatherx75]

If you're looking for motivation, may I suggest something that worked for me? That would be peer pressure. I started going to a support group for transwomen in March, and through this I came to know a lot of trannies in real life. Point is, when I started going to the group, I wasn't dressing publicly. After 3 weeks, I was. Nobody made me do it. Just the fact that everyone else was doing it, and that they were all just like me, and how much more fun they seemed to have was what got me over my mountain.

Anyway, that worked for me. I don't know if you're going to a support group already, but if not, I highly recommend it. Young trannies have the most fun!:hugs:

[kellycan27]

For me it was just an overwhelming desire to transition. I was less comfortable being a boy than I was being a girl. I guess it just depends on how bad you want it and to what degree. You seem to be stuck in limbo as to just how far you want to take it. I have a TS friend who was in pretty much the same boat. My advice to her was to be patient.... and just go with what you feel at the moment. As you get get more comfortable you'll have a better idea of your next step. You will be ready, when you're ready. Some, like myself knew what they wanted from the start, other's like my friend weren't sure..baby steps. When you reach your comfort level... you'll know.

Kelly

[Andy66]

I agree with all these ladies. Hang out more with like-minded people, be patient, baby steps., have fun

For the feminine clothes: wear anything from the ladies department of a store - even if it's just a t-shirt. It can even look somewhat masculine, as long as YOU know it's ladies'.

[DanaLynn57]

First of all let me say that you are too young to be worring over this...You sound very sad and out of place in your life...Dont treat things so serious and go have some fun and enjoy yourself whether it be totally or partly as the person you want to be...In time, you will understand more and find your true self and who you are...There are so many things you can do and not feel threatened with how you are dressed...Half of your battle has already been won since you told your family about how you are and the way you feel...Most of us are still in a stage of wanting to do more but cant because of family issues, not wanting to hurt those you love and so on....Go out and have a good time...You are 21 and in the hay day of your life right now so dont let this worry you and make your miserable...The time we have on this earth is short enough as it is and dont wait till one day you wake up and you are in your 50s and say where did all the time go...Be happy and love the life God has given you...He loves you and wants the best for you...Its up to us to find that happy place but enjoy yourself while you are looking...

DanaLynn

[Melissa A.]

It's not a mystery. You're still afraid. And if you are someone who needs to transition, you haven't yet accepted that. That statement may make you indignant or defensive, but it's the truth, and there isn't anything wrong with that. The messages we recieve concerning our born sex from the time we're little run amazingly deep. There's a reason many, but not all, trans people don't find it in themselves to take that step until well past their 20's and beyond. It's admirable that you seem to have been able to rise above much of that at a young age, but you aren't done yet. Some of us fight who we're percieved to be at a very young age. I wish I had had that strength and certainty. Like many, I fought who I really was for decades, until the cognitive dissonance between who I appeared to be and who my brain was telling me I am became too much to take. I'm very happy to see people your age live in a time when it's increasingly more acceptable to say, "No, this is me", without nearly as much fear, embarrasment and guilt as many of us went through when we even thought about it. But it's still not real easy. This is about who you are, makes you you. If you were ready, I guarantee you it would be apparant. Maybe You should give yourself a break, and do what makes you comfortable. Push the envelope a little at a time, and see how much easier it gets, or not. (it should). You didnt say anything about seeing a therapist. I would highly reccomend that for anyone.

Self-acceptance is a little more complicated than many people think, as alot folks here could tell you. Epecially when it comes to changing your gender. It's a big deal, in many ways, don't beat yourself up because you havent gotten past that yet. It's not a race. If it's who you are, it will happen. In the meantime, you have plenty of people here who are happy to listen and are interested in how you're doing.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Alexandra the Great]

Well, let me ask this...what does it take to get the nerve to just start dressing and living how I want?
How do I convince myself to start NOW, instead of waiting until next week or next month? To stop procrastinating?

[Emily01]

may i offer two pieces of advice beyond the obvious (therapy, support, etc.)?

1. fake it till you make it or "act as if". i believe there's a lot to be learned from the medical community requiring trans folks to live "as if" before applying medical solutions. another way to look at it is to let the changes you might make fit the personality you become. until you become that person the changes will only be skin deep - allow what is on the insides to flower and the outsides can follow.

2. you have a Higher Power, God, Spiritual Guide ~ whatever the term ~ you have one whether you know it or not. seek through prayer and meditation what that power wants you to do with your life that you can be of help to others and become the best person, regardless of gender that you can become. if you ask for direction and learn to be quiet to hear the answers the way forward will become clear, and usually with fewer obstacles than any other path.

thank you for letting me expound....i wish you the very best!!

[Sharon]

To make a gender transition is to take a giant leap of faith. Think of it as making your first parachute jump out of an airplane -- the fears and what-ifs are tremendous, but we have the promise of that little pack strapped to our backs that we are told will give us a safe landing as long as we are careful. Of course, it's easy to rationalize that a decision not to jump out of the airplane could be a sound or even a wise decision, but to not live our lives as they are meant to be lived can truly be a life or death choice. Only your heart and brain can tell you if this is so, and it's ocassionally a long wrought out process to decide where the truth lies.

For me, the fears were so strong that I hid from reality and from doing what was necessary for many years. But there finally came a day when I shrugged my shoulders, took a deep breath of air, strapped that parachute on my back, and said to myself "it's now or never." With just a little bump here and there, and maybe a scrape or two, I haven't looked back and I've never been happier.

Above all else, Alexandra -- find the truth. :hugs:

[MJ]

maybe your just not ready. try talking to a gender therapist. this is a big step sis keep looking for answers you will find them

[LisaM]

Alexandra,

I agree with just about everything that has been written so far. I think the most important things for you are:
1. To get out as Alexandra as much as possible
2. To find a gender therapist and a support group where you can understand yourself better.
3. To learn to rid yourself of the shame and embarrassment that you feel now. There is no shame or embarrassment in being female or feeling that you are 'female'. Most of the women that I know who have transitioned feel pride and joy in being women.

[melissaK]

The best I could ask for is some way to give myself the motivation to just walk out the door wearing something even the slightest bit feminine. From there, I can do it on my own.
Even just a suggestion of what that 'something barely feminine' is.
Anything helps, really, ladies.
Thanks in advance, everyone.

Well, Halloween IS coming up - and it's on a Saturday night so there'll be parties Friday night and Saturday night - so you get a good 36 hours to dress in whatever feminine manner you want and you'll get a "free pass" from onlookers. Give it a whirl . . . Come Sunday maybe you just don't change back . . .

The CDer sections of this site have plenty tales of the fear/excitement of going out 'en fem. Its no different for transfolk.

hugs,
'lissa

[Kerigirl2009]

I too am in agreement with pretty much everything stated, But I will add I know you told your family and friends and the important ones still accept you.
Ask yourself this- Yes they know you dress but what will happen if they see you dressed. Will they still accept you or will you find yourself alone and thinking you made a mistake. This is the exact question that I would love to answer for myself.
I have come to a conclusion that until I (ME) am willing to accept me and not worry about the others (FAMILY and FRIENDS) and what they will do or not do. I can go no further. Once you are ready for that answer for YOU, and you alone, no matter what the outcome You are not ready to go further.
Friends come and go but family is forever. Maybe talk with the people in your life that are very important to you first, tell them what you have been thinking about lately. Be honest with yourself. You have to be able to live with yourself no matter what the consequenses, or for that matter possible positive reinforcement. Good luck in what ever you do, but take your time and make the correct decision for you and you alone.:)

[Jessinthesprings]

All i can think to suggest is to take baby steps. if you are anything like me you'll get more comfortable the more you do it and going back will be more disheartning, and might even toss you into depression.

[joanlynn28]

I'm in agreement with what Sharon has said. For me I had to take that jump regardless of the outcome. It was the only way for me to find out if my feelings about myself and the need to change were true. The conclusion is that it was and still is true. Happiest I have ever been this point forward.

[katie_n]

I agree too with taking baby steps and realising its not as bad as your think it is. I'm feeling the same way you are atm. One thing that helped me as well is finding some supportive friends I can go out with.


All i can think to suggest is to take baby steps. if you are anything like me you'll get more comfortable the more you do it and going back will be more disheartning, and might even toss you into depression.

[Manda]

the babt step thing was the best thing for me and still is. Suttle changes, growing the hair longer, peirced ears, femme jeans, longer fingernails. But by doing all this in slow steps now the fingernails are clear coated shinny but indiscreet.Walking more femme, a bit of blush on the cheeks. All very suttle but I know and thats what makes me feel good and more confident. A nice pair of panties helps make me feel good about myself. I hope some of these suggestions help, I know I have along way to go but the little things help.

[Beth-Lock]

Advice: Just take it easy and let what will happen, happen if it does. Worked for me.