Perceived image

[Ashley in Virginia]

As some of ya'll know I got to dress yesterday. (pics in the picture thread).

I honestly hate the way I look. When I look at my pics I look like a guy with makeup on. But my perceived image when I am not dressed is one that is much higher. It bugs me to no end to look at my pics and think, " is that the best I can do?"

I am not looking for sympathy or someone to say otherwise.... I am curious to see if others feel the same and how ya'll deal with this.

[Tristen Cox]

Well you know we are our own worst critics. I am no exception. It's not about pictures or how perfect you can look. It's about how you feel. You could be half dressed, made up perfect, or whatever, but how you feel is the catch. If you're not happy inside no amount of clothes and work can change your feelings. Sometimes you may just be happy without doing a thing. Get into that element. Or you could be forever judging yourself.

My 0.02

[Ashley in Virginia]

I felt pretty good yesterday, but I don't feel like my pics reflected it. Or reflected much of anything for that matter. I don't know. I am definately harder on myself than anyone else. At least I know what my problems are. lol.

Kinda feel like I am reaching for something but I don't know what it is.... Maybe it is too high for me to reach.

[Fallen Angel]

honey there are days that i spend time getting all dressed up and for some reason or a nother(and it happens)we look at our self and cant help but say i look terrible. dont take it to heart just could have been an off day for you ive had mine xxooxx

[Ashley in Virginia]

But it seems to happen everytime I dress up. lol.

[Sharon]

Well you know we are our own worst critics. I am no exception. It's not about pictures or how perfect you can look. It's about how you feel....

This is true, Ashley. When I saw your photos, I honestly thought you looked very cute, particularly your face.
I have no illusions about how I look, but on some days I actually think I don't look half-bad. On other days, I wonder what the hell I'm doing and who I'm trying to fool.

I think it's something in the water, or perhaps it's the incessant heat, humidity, or rain we're experiencing, but our mood definitely affects how we perceive ourselves.

[Tristen Cox]

Kinda feel like I am reaching for something but I don't know what it is.... Maybe it is too high for me to reach.
Stop trying to reach out to find it, it's right there inside you ;)

[Fallen Angel]

honey i went back to look at your pics you posted to me i thought you were having some fun with the camera. try dressing up a bit more try it again and maybe youl see the majic everbody else see"s in you xxxxx

[Toyah]

Dont try to get to where you want in one big jump hun or where would you have to go to :)

[Ashley in Virginia]

There will always be somewhere to go to. :) If I could attain what I want in one jump I would. problem is, I have no idea what I want.

I went and looked at the pics again. Image is grainy and that doesn't help. Just 2 of the pics are ok. And i guess I kinda look cute and cute is what I was going for, but in No way shape or form would anyone have trouble knowing if I were a guy or not. I just look too much like a dude. :(. But thats life. I can't really do my eyebrows into a better shape, and I need to loose my belly and grow some hips. lol.

Maybe I should get photoshop and create my perfect me. lol. Or maybe break out the Gas Can.....

[Stephanie Mancini]

Have to agree with Tristen on this one Ashley its how you feel inside about yourself that matters most, i gave up the self criticism and beating my brains out a long time ago and trust my own inner insticts when i have any doubts , hey i've been on girl nights out where everyone's makeup is nigh on perfect but 5 minutes later who's caring, it's the same with shoes, most girls can remember what another girl was wearing but ask them to describe their shoes and most can't remember, so lets have no more negative vibes hun, sometimes it all goes pear shaped even for me but there's always next time!


Steph

[Maude]

Stop trying to reach out to find it, it's right there inside you ;)

quote from an old Eagles song:

"we live our lives in chains and never realize we have the key"
easy to say but not so easy to achive !

maude

[Melissa A.]

Stop trying to reach out to find it, it's right there inside you ;)

Hi Ashley,

As Sharon said, we all have feelings like yours, at one time or another, for whatever reasons. I have seen you write in the past that you are not happy with being a crossdresser, and would take a cure, if there were one. I will tell you that when I finally came to accept who and what I am, and then became happy with that, every aspect of my life changed, quite literally, from my personal relationships to my financial and occupational success. And I was happier with how I looked en femme, as well. I hope I'm not overstepping or taking this thread further than you intended, but maybe it's something for you to think about.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Ashley in Virginia]

Not at all Mel. I started this thread to get some different opinions on what has been bugging me for a while. I really don't care where it branches off to, so long as there is something positive to come out of it.

[Ashley in Virginia]

quote from an old Eagles song:

"we live our lives in chains and never realize we have the key"
easy to say but not so easy to achive !

maude

I agree. Unfortunately I don't have the slightest idea where to look for it.

[mand]

Hello Ashley :) , I'm with Tristen on this it's the feelings you experence when dressed that are important. I once said to a really snobby TG "I dont think it's how you look that matters but how it makes you feel", well she just looked down her nose and said "if you say so", I didn't say it but I just thought "what an arsehole".
I wear female clothing, make up the whole job lot because I'm expressing how I feel inside. I am simply saying this is me and to be honest if people don't like the way I look then thats their "tough titty".
Ashely if I was to post a photo of how I look right now ................well lets just say I wouldn't ;) . I am wearing a worn out old skirt, a tired black top and a cardigan with holes in it, but mainly I am wearing the remnants of the eveing meal and other substances that I don't know what they are, well I've been babysitting my little grandson all day you see. I'm not wearing a wig just a silk scarf around my head and my make up is worn out to say the least, but it truely feels so right to me love.
Ashley please dont worry about how you look just enjoy the feelings that dressing gives you :)

By the way Ashley I haven't seen you're photo's yet, but I bet you're just putting yourself down love.........I do it all the time.

love mand xxx

[Maude]

i gave up worrin bout what i look when i realized i was an authentic
"gg" (genetic guy) it's just sometimes i have on girls clothes ?

[Maude]

I agree. Unfortunately I don't have the slightest idea where to look for it.

like Jules says "between our ears"

[Ashley in Virginia]

Growing up, it is beat to death to always look your best. I just don't think my best is out there yet. Not sure if it will be. Or maybe it is and there is no hope of looking better. (gawd lets hope not)

I felt good dressed, as good as I had felt in along time. relaxed and open. but my pics just don't show the way I feel like I look. I FEEL like someone beautiful, I LOOK like a dude in a wig and makeup. I can't be the onlyone who experiences this...

[Sigrid]

There will always be somewhere to go to. :) If I could attain what I want in one jump I would. problem is, I have no idea what I want.

I went and looked at the pics again. Image is grainy and that doesn't help. Just 2 of the pics are ok. And i guess I kinda look cute and cute is what I was going for, but in No way shape or form would anyone have trouble knowing if I were a guy or not. I just look too much like a dude. :(. But thats life. I can't really do my eyebrows into a better shape, and I need to loose my belly and grow some hips. lol.

Maybe I should get photoshop and create my perfect me. lol. Or maybe break out the Gas Can.....
Put the gas can away, Ashley... you're pictures look great.

If I could achieve that perfect look, I wouldn't be hanging around this site as much as I do... I'd be out, en femme shopping, clubbing.... As it is, I just dress, usually without makeup now and I try not to worry about what my face looks like, or how hairy my arms are. It allows me enjoy the little bit of time I get to dress just that much more.

[caitlin]

Stop trying to reach out to find it, it's right there inside you ;)


I couldn't agree more...sometimes we do look too hard elsewhere, when the answer lies within...

I also agree with the artist as their own worst critic...speaking from experience.

[Tristen Cox]

I felt good dressed, as good as I had felt in along time. relaxed and open. but my pics just don't show the way I feel like I look. I FEEL like someone beautiful, I LOOK like a dude in a wig and makeup. I can't be the onlyone who experiences this...
You aren't alone. No matter what you hear I hate the way I look in pictures, I take hundreds and post but five, why cause to me the rest just show some guy made up to be something he is not. If I focused on that I would never be happy. But then I look in the mirror and deep into myself sometimes. I see the person who is truely down inside me. Same as I did looking at your pictures. Same as I do with anyone. As Maude said it's not easy. No it isn't, it took me years. However nothing good comes easy. If you want to find it bad enough you will. Just remember, all the answers you are looking for are in your possession if you dare to find them.

[Melissa A.]

As I said before, I don't think you can underestimate the power of feeling comfortable with who you are, though I know we all achieve that in different ways and at different rates. I went through some bad stuff before it happened to me, so maybe something inside me just said, "enough". The path is different for everyone, I suppose. But I just wanted to tell you, Ashley, looking at the pic on your profile, I see someone who is very cute, certainly NOT a dude in a wig. You are very pretty, and I mean it, not just being nice.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Ashley in Virginia]

Thank you Melissa for the compliment.

I was gonna write something but I can't make it come out right, so I'll think about it for a while and try again. Don't ya just hate that....

[Natalie x]

Ashley, here's some different advice ...

Please, go to the top of this thread and re-read everything the girls have written, only this time turn off the negative voice in your head that keeps saying "yes, but ...".

Just listen to what everyone is saying, because it's all there. Don't let that voice ruin a beautiful experience.

What you and I and all the girls here have is a gift, but it's a Work In Progress, and if it's not quite perfected yet, well, tomorrow you will take another step towards that perfection.

Now, come on, really read this stuff this time!

[Jonien]

To be onist you do look good, but I feel you are not seeing the expression you were feeling.
One of the problem I feel with self portrates you are posing to the little black box not a person if it is possable to put someone behind that little box that you can relate to then you can radiate your look

[Julie York]

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You look as good as most of us (work THAT one out! I think it's a compliment)


I'm a little worried about the third degree burns though, but hey.,.if it makes you happy. We all feel that way. In fact I think someone should start a thread....."Out of 20 photos you took of yourself, truthfully, how many did you feel you could post on this forum?"

THEN you'll cheer up.


(Answer: 1...maybe)



:D

[Tamara Croft]

I could take a thousand pictures of me and only be satisfied with one, yet Tam would say they all looked great. It's just how it is... we are never satisfied with the way we look, doesn't matter if your a gg cd ts tg.. frigging labels.... always wiv da labels.... anyway... as I was saying before I so rudely interupted myself *slaps ones ass* :eek: I've seen your pictures in the pics thread and as I said in there, you look great, but thats how I perceive you :hugs:

[MarinaTwelve200]

To be onist you do look good, but I feel you are not seeing the expression you were feeling.
One of the problem I feel with self portrates you are posing to the little black box not a person if it is possable to put someone behind that little box that you can relate to then you can radiate your look

I think we ALWAYS look "weird" to ourselves even in male mode--familiarity with one's own face i suspect. For decades I could never get a handle on what I looked like as a girl.---Until my breakthrough last year , when I finally succeded in developing my look--that looked nothing like my male self--and I could SEE the image of "Marina" for the first time---I rather liked it.

Even so part of this came from using VIDEO rather than stills to photograph myself. We tend to "Stiffen up" for single shots so to "get it right" and there is a reluctance to experiment or spontaneously improvize a quick pose---The one shot thing again.--In video you can move around, be silly, and experiment as you go---The results are much better--especially as you check out frame by frame.---even at 30 frames a second--some adjacent images look good and some crappy you can choose the BEST even though it might not really look like you ---yet really is.

[Ashley in Virginia]

Getting back to Melissa's first post. I think alot of my problem stems from my male half not accepting my female half and thusly putting her down. Looking at pics from past times, I see I have come a long ways from when I first started. I also see I have a ways to go. It hurts me on a deep level to know I will never fit the female image my male half has put into my head. When I am dressed i am satisfied, relaxed and comfortable with who I am. My problems stem from the 99% of the time I am not Ashley.

So the only solution is to go get the scissors and hack it off. :p

Seriously though, I don't know (I always misspell know, knwo) if there is a solution. I want peace with this. The easy way out would be to quit dressing all together. Well, not easy, but easier than possibly seeking professional help. I am afraid of doctors. Period. I'd rather not know than actually go and get checked out. I know it sounds crazy and childish, but I am being honest here. Too many what ifs. What if I really have gender issues? How would it affect my life? What would I do? I don't think I am strong enough to handle that.

[Khriss]

ohh yeah, Ashley,, been there -done that (still do that!) , plus past purges ,years of denial for SO's, family , work, hiding clothes , feelings and supressing them, and on and on..... although You may have skipped over some of the unecessary grief I've (and others here?) put myself through... You're here and talking about it!
and You're here,,, I felt all alone for a loooong time,, but I'm here to tell you,, You are not alone !
so put down the scissors !(joke right?) And the gas can--oops too late?? take a deep breath and Trudge Along,, with the rest of us eh?
"trudging is extra tough in heels" youcanquotemeonthat...xx"K"

[MarinaTwelve200]

Seriously though, I don't know (I always misspell know, knwo) if there is a solution. I want peace with this. The easy way out would be to quit dressing all together. Well, not easy, but easier than possibly seeking professional help. I am afraid of doctors. Period. I'd rather not know than actually go and get checked out. I know it sounds crazy and childish, but I am being honest here. Too many what ifs. What if I really have gender issues? How would it affect my life? What would I do? I don't think I am strong enough to handle that.

I think THIS is the time to really look into this and find out WHY you crossdress and what it does for you---some people say "you dont need to know why--just enjoy it". Dont buy into that. I sense CONFUSION on your part you really havent got a handle on the WHY, so you cant address it.---Not that knowing WHY will "cure" you of CD, but it will let you concentrate on your true CD objective, and possibly acheive it.

Its very hard, however, to organize your thoughts to do this and your fears and denyals may influence your logic and conclusions. First of all, you are likely dealing with what we may call an IDENTITY rather than sexual/ality issue.
It may be something as simple as "I only want to really find out what I would look like as a girl" curiosity that has gotten out of hand over the years as you tried and never could "see" yourself---try looking back on your FIRST adolescent experience and try to remember the WHY , you did it--what did you tell yourself? were you honest?

You might CD to ESCAPE from your self for a little while (like me) or you might think your REAL persona is female and CD to realize that. At another level, You might only really like the "rush" you get when you cross identity lines, and/ or "sexual" lines, or you might really be a bit of a fetishist or forced fem Masochist.---There are LOTS of reasons to CD--and ,save for Transsexuality, they all are usually identity rather than sexual based---either the desire to change identity itself or for achieving the deeply rooted psychological RUSH from changing it.

Ask yourself drect questions, and rather not trying to answer them your self, short circuit the "denyal" mechanisim by REMEMBERING relevant experiences of what you DID and why---WHAT you did is a lot more true than your thoughts or possibly biased opinions or conclusions. Remember, there are things you are afraid of involved, so dont let your mind get in the way REMEMBER EVENTS AND EXPERIENCES.

IF you can determinethe WHY--your true objective in CDing you can go from THERE to a long way to making it a more satisfying experience.

[Melissa A.]

Ashley- Need you to sit down, girl. Take a deep breath. Relax. Ready? Ok, now, don't freak out, but pssst, you have gender issues. It's ok, though, I have gender issues, too. So does anyone who crossdresses, or is a transexual. But like I said, it's ok. It doesn't make you crazy, violent, irresponsible, stupid, or nuts.This is the thing: You can be gender dysphoric, not ever find a "cure", and still find peace, happiness and success. You mentioned two choices: Quitting or seeing a shrink. First, unless you are really sick or have a disorder that gets in the way of your life, like being obsessive compulsive or schizophrenic(two extremes), then you probably don't need to see a shrink.I doubt one would tell you he can help you quit, anyway. Not that I have a quarrel with them. They can be very helpful. I saw one when my first marriage ended, because I was unhappy, heartbroken and lonely. Helped alot. But only if you want it to, and have a goal in mind. But for most people, not totally necessary.

I think you have been here long enough to know what happens when a crossdresser tries to quit. Heck, you probably know firsthand.

My point here, without going on forever, is that there is a third option. There are alot worse things going around than gender issues, and wanting to be a girl occasionally. Some guys can't get through a day without slapping their wife and kids around. Cding is harmless. Does it make life a lttle tougher? yup. Does it shrink the pool of dateable women? sure. Is it something that makes many people uncomfortable? Yes, for sure. But maybe you need to stop looking at it as this tremendous, huge, giantic burden-I think thinking that way and trying to purge or supress are the two biggest things that lead to other destructive behaviors in cds.

You really can get there- be a happy, well adjusted, responsible, fun guy who likes to crossdress. Crossdressing is how you are wired anyway, so why not make the best of it? That may sound simplistic, but sometimes, simple works. And can get you started to thinking of all this in a different way. I know it ain't an overnight thing-I lived it. But I hope some of this helps a bit.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Ashley in Virginia]

I have sat on this for a few days without replying to clear my mind. Fiirst let me thank ya'll fo rthe advice and I hope we can keep working this out.

By gender issues I meant, being to the extreme with it, ie. a transsexual. I don't know if I am there yet. God lets hope not. I can't deal with that.

I am probably gonna go and see a doctor in a few months when my benefits kick in at my new job. My mood swings are getting out of hand again. One minute I am fine and the next I want to cry or be angry. I haven't slept in almost 3 days and I an not tired. I need some rest, but I am wired. I should probably get back on some medicine. I don't knwo if I will be able to afford it or not. We'll see.

I looked back at my photos and I still think they suck. lol. The only one I like is the one where my tounge is hanging out and my eyes are crossed. In that pic I look relaxed and more natural. The others look posed and fake. And it shows.

[Helana]

Ashley

As others have already pointed out you are cute and are better looking than most of us.

But I know what you mean about seeing a man in a dress, this used to really bug me a lot for many years.

If I may, I looked at your pics and would like to give a few pieces of advice that will help you overcome the "man in a dress" look.

1. The best way to feminise your face is to get a wig and hairstyle which really suits you. Best thing is to go to a hairdressers and ask if you can come in at closing time so that they can close the door and style your wig in privacy. Trust me in the hands of a professional a well styled wig can dramatically feminise your face.

2. Try to avoid T-shirts and other garments which close around the neck as they only emphasise the wide male shoulders. As a basic rule, the wider the neck openning/scoop the less obvious wide shoulders will be.

3. Your breasts look too small for your chest. I would move up a size and also try to position them more to the side.

4. The biggest improvement which took me years to understand is that a women's silhouette is based on her wide hips. Not only does this give you an instantly recognizable female body shape from any distance but it is also how the hourglass figure is formed. There is no need for corsets. Make sure the padding is anatomically correct and not just a lump of foam, as a lump just looks like a lump! I made mine for just a few dollars from suit lining filler and they make an incredible difference to my perception of myself when I look in the mirror. Ava's pictures on hip padding are a great starting point.

If you look at women you will see that their hips and shoulders are the same width. So in order for you to have the correct female proportions you will need to assess how much you need to add onto your hips to line up with your shoulders. Typically this is 1-2 inches either side. This will transform you from the inverted triangle look of a male into the hourglass look of a female.

The only problem is that you may have bought jeans and skirts based on your actual waist/hip dimensions and cannot stretch any futher. In future buy clothes that have allowance for hip padding.

These tips should be sufficient for you to see the real woman in yourself rather than the man in the dress. And once you see the woman then you will be much happier and less self critical.

Always, have fun!

[Tristen Cox]

I looked back at my photos and I still think they suck. lol. The only one I like is the one where my tounge is hanging out and my eyes are crossed. In that pic I look relaxed and more natural. The others look posed and fake. And it shows.
Aww hell! And I thought THAT was the fake one dammit :rolleyes: :D

[Deborah]

I thought she was pretty. :D

[Mx Justina]

I have no problems when I go into commercial establishments (like Home Depot, food supermarkets, etc.)...being referred to as "mamm" (though I would prefer the sound of "madame")...even with grungy workclothes on.

One recent day I was (with workgloves) trying to load some bags of instant concrete from a shopping cart, into a neighbor's pickup...unexpectedly along came a male Home Depot employee saying; "hold on, you don't need to do that (as I began grabbing one the concrete bags)...that's what I'm here for mom!!!"... So the last bag was lifted cheerfully by him...and I thanked profusely the helpfull soul...

As my neighbor driver and I are driving away, my neighbor (genetic female) is laughing and snickering at what had transpired...me, I'm muttering dejectedly about being referred to as "mom"!... I think even "granny" would have felt better...

Justina

[Toni]

Hi Ashley,
I feel just the same as you do and when I look in the mirror I see a bloke in make up looking back at me. Yet I feel on top of the world when a guy opens the pub door for me and says "Goodnight pet" or when I get a woolf whistle from a brickie on the street! I think we are by definition our own worst judges. Don't worry you look great.

[misty_waves]

Hi Ashley -

It's a little ironic because I just sent you a message saying that it was so great to finally see photos of you and that you looked so cute. I will be totally honest with you: when I look at your pics, I do not see "a dude in a wig." Instead, I see a lucky person who is discovering this side of themselves at a young age, who is quite cute, and has a lot of potential.

Doing this is, as one of the other girls said, is a "work in progress"... think of it as a painting that an artist is working on. There is always going to be room for improvement - but that's what keeps things fun, new, and interesting. It's what keeps you wanting to come back for more. At least that's how it is for me. And what more could an artist ask for than to start with the right canvas? Your look may not be exactly what you want it to be... yet. And that is the key word: "yet."

Ashley - makeup can do amazing things. You can really use it to make yourself look however you wish. And as for your hips... when you get the chance, just try one of those hip pad things.

I know my response may not be addressing the deeper issues here, but the way I see it, we live in a world of illusion. So many things around us are illusions in one way or another. To me, as a crossdresser, this is actually a comfort - it makes me realize that I can achieve what it is that I really want.