Advice for "coming out" to a friend?

[ToxicAvenger095]

Okay. Here goes.

I have a friend, who is a girl, and we have been friends for about two years. I actually used to work with her, blah blah who cares let me get on with it.

In less than a month I am going away to college, 9 hours away, so obviously I won't see this girl much. And to be honest, for the past year or though, I have really really liked this girl, but she has a boyfriend so there is no chance. But before I go away I want to tell her how I feel and tell her my crossdressing issue, but I am not sure if I should tell both, or just one? She is pretty understanding and going to be a psychologist, so I think she would understand and even maybe help me with make up and shopping, but I am scared that if I do tell her my secret, if the chance to date her ever came it would never happen because she would know I wear women's clothing? Confusing? Sorry. I don't know. I really don't even know how to tell her. I am really bad at this stuff.

Help? Thanks.

EDIT: I put this in the wrong section, sorry.

[KayC]

They say honesty is the best policy, and I know with me, it is. Nothing can be based on deceit, if it's meant to be, it will. Good luck!

[Shari]

You'll never know the answer unless you ask her.

I would ask you, how important is that issue in your possible relationship with her.
If it's at the top of the list, then open up.

If she accepts you, great! If not, you can start looking elsewhere.

Either way, it might help to ease the anxiety you're feeling.

Remember though, once it's out, you aren't taking it back.

[ToxicAvenger095]

Thanks, not sure what I am going to do yet. I might just tell her how I feel about her first of all, and then see how it goes, if I want to give my other secret, or if it should come later.

[windycissy]

Just because she has a boyfriend that doesn't mean you have no chance, she'll probably have many relationships before she picks the one...if I were you, I would tell her you've always thought she was someone you could trust and respect and ask her if you can confide an incredible secret, she'll say yes and once you tell her there will be a special bond between you. Let nature take its course from there, and good luck!

[Annaliese]

Okay. if the chance to date her ever came it would never happen because she would know I wear women's clothing? Confusing? Sorry. I don't know. I really don't even know how to tell her. I am really bad at this stuff.
.

If you ever had a chance to date her you would have to tell her anyway.

Can you trust her? if so tell her.

[deja true]

J...if I were you, I would tell her you've always thought she was someone you could trust and respect and ask her if you can confide an incredible secret, she'll say yes and once you tell her there will be a special bond between you. Let nature take its course from there, and good luck!

I agree with Cissy 100 %, here...

And in telling, emphasize that you want to share something special, not something scary or that you are embarrassed about...

Have you ever discussed or shown interest in femme subjects with her... fashion, women's rights, chick flicks ... Or had any conversations about any GLBT issues at all? Do you think you know her mindset on any of these latter?

Do you have any really good, flattering pictures of yourself? That's how I did it with several of my gg friends (with photos from a fantastic Gina makeover). That way she could visualize what your goal is and that it is truly possible, rather than trying to visualize her male friend as a woman. That's never easy and somewhat scary, I think, to someone completely unfamiliar with our particular interest...

I could see the doubt on my gf's face when I told her that doing this was something that I liked and was passionate about. But when she saw the possibilities in those wonderful photos, she smiled broadly and said, "I think we could have some fun with this!"

We've always been as much good friends as lovers, and my little revelation and her acceptance of it has made us even better friends. I think it'll work that way with you, whether she can deal with your profession of love or not...

Huge wishes of good luck for you, Avenger!

:)

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Toxi-

Wow, all of the other girls have made such good replies, especially about what you may hope for in the future with your friend. Really, there are two choices, tell her now, or tell her later if a relationship develops between you. Either way you must tell her, keeping it a secret won't work, especially if things get serious between you.

Myself, I would tell her now. Nearly all of my best friends are ggirls, everyone of them has been accepting and understanding and my coming out to them has actually deepened our friendships, which says nothing about me, but speaks volumes about them as a person. Women share secrets, it's how intimacy is built, and I don't mean sexual intimacy, but personal. If you share being TG with her and she accepts it, it may open the door to a closer relationship, if she doesn't accept it or distances herself, then what you had hoped for wasn't meant to be. Just take a deep breath and go for it.

Best of luck, girl.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[ToxicAvenger095]

Thanks for all the advice. I think you all might be right about "coming out" first, and hopefully it would strengthen our friendship, and if not, oh well. I don't have any pictures of myself dressed up or anything, I had some but they looked pretty bad so I got rid of them. We worked in a video store and she knows I' rent chick flicks when I wasn't renting bad horror movies so that could be a start. I don't know. Just see what happens.

[ClaudiaDawn]

I agree with all the girls who had replied, I think the best thing is to tell her about your CDing, if that hurts your chances to date her, then a romantic relationship with her wasn't meant to be, since you will have to tell her anyway. Besides, if she is understanding, even if a romantic relationshyou have ip won't work, you'll still have your friend, and a friend you can confide with and maybe even a friend to go out with as girlfriends. If you don't tell her now and later you have a chance to date her, when you tell her, you may loose both, the friend and the girlfriend.
On the other hand, if you tell her now and you have a chance to date her later, that would be so much easier(and fun).

I hope everything works for you,

Hugs
Claudia Dawn

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

My thoughts on this are,

1.) Don't tell her the way you feel romantically. As someone who has been there far too many times, as much as those types of things work out in the movies, they don't tend to in real life. As much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, if she really wanted a relationship with you, it would have happened. Also, when you outpour a big massive declaration of love, it puts way too much pressure on a situation for it to have any real chance of becoming a thing. Having said that, it doesn't mean there's not a chance for you two to become something in the future, but since you also said you're going away to college I think you should be prepared for several years where things and people will change for you immensely.

2.) Tell her about your CDing. It feels great to get that secret off your chest and have someone to confide in, and as others have said, no matter how much you like her, if this is something that would keep her from wanting to be with you, then she's not the right girl for you. Also, this is another reason to not tell her about your feelings for her right now, because it will likely be something that at first she's like "woah!" about, but over time as she gets used to it, it will stop being something that she immediately thinks of in regards to you but rather just a detail about you.

I had a girlfriend that I had casually dated and then we became just friends and then I decided, well if we're going to be friends she should know this about me because if she doesn't support me, why bother the time/energy into building a friendship. I told her, she was surprised and put off at first but we stayed friends and eventually she grew to be ok with it. Then we actually started dating again and I even asked her once if she'd been unsure of wanting to date me again because I was a crossdresser, and she said she definitely thought about it but it wasn't that big of a deal, where as when I first told her it did seem like, wow we'll never date again.

We eventually broke up for entirely different reasons, but I was glad I'd told her when we were friends.

[Miss Rachel]

There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said. I am inclined to agree with Alyssa's take on the romantic aspect of it. If the girl you speak of had more than a passing interest in you, you would have already noticed. This isn't to suggest that it isn't possible in the future, but why set yourself up for a separation when you leave for college? Your time away at school will give her a chance to absorb the info and initial surprise of your CD revelation without the pressure of dodging the romantic bullet :) When you return home either for a visit or after graduation you'll be able to get a true opinion from her and better gauge your odds of pursuing a romantic relationship. Just keep in mind that any skeletons you leave hidden away will always come back to haunt you later.
Good luck with your girl and most importantly with your education.
xoxoxo
Miss Rachel

[Jessica Who]

Make sure that you set aside time with just her so that you can discuss things fully.

[ToxicAvenger095]

I would like to get lunch or something and discuss it if we can find the time. I have actually never had a girlfriend before so I am not good at any of this, but I think what you all said makes a lot of sense.

[Glenda58]

Tell her about you and cross dressing then tell how you feel. You need a friend you can talk about this.

I told my wife before we started getting serious. And still yes when I ask her to marry me. You must let decide if they want you around.

[Pretty In Pink]

Wow! You girls give great advise!
Good Luck TA095!

~PIP

[kasha]

I agree with most the girls. First tell her about your CDing and see how she reacts. Just remember, even if she reacts positively she may not want to date you. But remember, having a friend you can trust is worth more then all the gold in the world. :D

[ToxicAvenger095]

I haven't talked to her in like a week, I saw her a week or so ago and she said she was going to call me to do something but never did, so I dunno, I still hope to talk about it before I go away. I guess I really would love a girl friend to go shopping with and stuff, I never really had a girl to help me with make up and stuff so I am clueless.

[Teri Jean]

I have told a lot of women, some married and some single, and find they are more accepting. The other night I had told a friend, guy, and he was fine with it and said I should stop out to the lake and visit. What I didn't realize was his wife's daughter and neice would be there also but they were so great and the conversation was so girly he had to step outside. Something about lingerie and using the dressing room to try them on before buying.LOL We had so much fun.

Teri

[ToxicAvenger095]

So within the next 2 weeks we are going to go to Ruby Tuesday for lunch so it will probably come out then, wish me luck.