coming out to my wife

[claire2454]

Hi Girls
now this has happened to most if not all to us girls and i belive the time is now for me to come out to my wife as she has found/seen all of Claire's clothes (female). althrough my SO use'es a computer at work she has never shown intrest in our's at home, well she has now found out that i have been on this site and other TV/CD web sites. Jess (my wife) told me last night that she had looked in the history of the internet page and siad that i have been on some intresting sites lately, and then Jess walked away saying to me we need to talk very soon as things are adding up. So i have my big step to take tonight. so i am in need of a little advice. do i sit down and come out with it or put this site up and let her read and interact with others on here ?
trying to look on the bright side with fingers crossed.

[Jonianne]

Well, since she said she wants to talk very soon, maybe that is what you need to do. It would also be very helpful if she wanted to join the site, she could talk to a lot of caring SO's in the in the same situation on the Female at Birth group (FAB).

Assure her that you are the same and will always be the man she married, if that is your intention. Be willing to work with her on boundries and groundrules for your relationship. That way you both will have a safe place to play/operate in. Just be honest with her. Best wishes.

[Kristen-Gaye]

The fact that she didn't flip out then & there is a good sign for you I think Claire. My take would be to go slow & steady at first. Good luck!
K. :)

[Teri Jean]

Well she has seen the different sites you have been to so to that end the priliminary work is done and now take her hand and walk slowly. Explain where you are giving her time to ask questions and move forward when she has had the time to take it in. Be honest and caring, she will appreciate your concern for her feelings. Teri

[Sandra]

Sit down and talk to her, then tell her about this site and the FAB forum we have here.

Make sure you answer any questions she has as honestly as you can, listen to what she has to say, her concerns etc, but one thing if she's ok with it all don't think that is the green light to go ahead and rush things, take it at her pace.

[Miranda09]

Take it one step at a time. You provide here with the info, and let her pursue further discussion. And yes, I think, if she's willing, to let her visit sites like this one. She sounds like an open minded person and it will help in her understanding of your CDing. :)

[Sheila]

hun answer her like Sandra says ............. be honest and stay honest .......... if you don'y know the answers to her question ... tell her that right now you do not know, and as Sandra says let her know about the GG forum on here :hugs: & good luck

[eight]

Please don’t take this wrong but you could take the approach similar to talking to children. Answer only their question and be direct and honest. You will find that answering only the question allows them to provide their own answers and allow them to ask the next question. Maybe time outs would good also. As noted in the replies, go slow, be truthful and most of all be respectful. Please let us know how it goes.

[LisaM]

I'd sit down and talk to her as soon as you can. Be prepared to offer her information and places where she can learn about crossdressing, etc..

I agree that because her reaction was not extremely negative that she may be able to understand and accept. But it is really up to you to help her understand.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Claire-

<big hug> Well, since the cat's out of the bag, so to speak, then at least one hurdle has been cleared. All I can add to what has already been said, aside from emphasizing the honesty part, is to be prepared for all sorts of questions. Things like, "Do you dress because you want to attract men? Do you want to have sex with men? Are there other things you're not telling me about yourself? Do you want a sex change? Do you want a divorce so you can be free? How long have you been like this? Is there something wrong with me as a woman?" and probably lots of others. These are just some of the questions my wife has asked me or that I've been told by TG friends that their wives or SO's have asked them.

As Sheila said, if you don't know the answer, then just tell her you honestly don't know, it's a journey of discovery that you're trying to deal with, too. Telling her you don't know is better than making something up on the spur of the moment and then realizing a few days or months or years down the road that's not how it is. Oh, I can see from your pix that you look good and dress nicely, if she hasn't already seen you as Claire on-line then it might be a good idea to have a couple of pix handy, tasteful ones. Or she may ask you to dress for her, this doesn't necessarily mean acceptance, she may just want to have a look at the "other woman" in the relationship.

Good luck, Claire, for you both. It is a good sign that she didn't blow up in your face over it and wants to talk about it. And believe me, hon, it won't be just one discussion and that's that, be ready for it to come up again and again and usually when you least expect it. If you've been married any length of time, you know how that works. Just stay in touch with her and don't be afraid to broach the subject yourself and ask her how she's doing with it. Once again, girl, good luck.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[JenetGG]

There is an awesome "How to Tell Your Partner" letter in the Stickies Threads by MarlaGG. If you have time to read it before your talk, it should help a lot.

Good Luck!

[claire2454]

Well everybody it has now happened. i have come out to her and told her i crossdress. well the rest i was not prepeard for, and in some respect i still dont know why my SO did not go off the handle or at least have a go at me. all my lovely wife has said is that she throught i was a crossdresser and has asked why i had not come out to her earlyer when she had found my clip on earrings, (thats another story) she laught a little and told me not to be silly and all she has asked is when i will give her a little show. as she wanted to know when i will dress for her to see me as claire. i was thinking off tonight but then i will go and change for her tomorrow in some respect to give me time to get my head around the fact my wonderfull wife hasen't got up set.
well girls i am going to look around and get myself together. or at least have a few :drink: so take care out their

claire

[Jessicainme]

I came out to my wife awhile back..She has never said anymore about it. I wish you luck with your wife and hope that she is an understanding partner in your life.

Jessica

[Sheila]

Glad it went well hun, now go gently (you seem to be by not rushing in there which is great), and remember she needs to still feel "the woman" in the house;)

[Christina Horton]

WOW WOW WOW I have heard of the women like your wife but I have nit had the pleasure of meeting them. I was soooo happy to hear your wife is fine with it , but I will say most of the stories I have hear if is that a SO is ok at first then over a few weeks or months They change there mind. Or get overwhelmed by it all. So explain to her that you don't want to over load her and she as well as you need time to let it all sink in, and if say a week or two if she still want a SHOW then give her a good one. Just let her set the pace and DON'T push. I think you life is going to get so much better I wanna cry. Just watch out for the pink fog and don't get lost in it.:D. To much :heehee::devil: Have fun in your new adventure hun and hug your wife for all of us whom don't have the support of a loving SO.:love:

[Hope]

There are a lot of folks here I would not want advising my wife on how I felt. In fact, there pretty much isn't ANYONE I would want advising my wife on how I felt... So were I in your shoes (preferably something with a nice heel) and I have been, I would not sit her down at the computer and send her to this or ANY site, rather I would sit down with a nice meal and a glass of wine and talk to her myself.

All of the standard pointers apply:

Answer of her question honestly. No matter how asinine, insulting, or absurd you think they are. YOU answer the questions. Then ask her if she has any other questions. Re-answer the same questions if she asks them a 22nd time. Be nice about it. You don't get to get angry right now. No matter what she says, implies, or asks. If you want to get angry, wait a few weeks to do it. Right now, you are going to be like Fonzie.

As time passes, it is your responsibility to ask her if there are questions that she has. Dig, prod, and do what you have to in order to get the questions she has been worrying about out of her. You want her to get her information from you, not from the beauty shop. This is (part of) why you don't get to be angry. If you blow up when she asks you about XYZ, she is not going to ask you about ABC.

Don't talk about it like you have cancer, or hepatitis, or like this is some sort of bomb that is going to destroy your relationship. Talk about it like it is something fun and enjoyable, it is after all, is it not? If I were you, I wouldn't apologize. To repurpose a slogan from the skater community "Crosdressing is not a crime." If you talk about it like it is cancer, she will think about it like it is cancer. She will take her cues from you. If you act like prey, you will become prey. Be like Fonzie.

You are a person who, like all people, deserves dignity and respect.

Remind her that you are still the same person she knew last week, last month, last year. She just knows more about you now.

[Angelofsomekind]

Like the others have said, try to sit down and talk to her about it. It shows a huge amount of trust that you have a part of yourself that you feel you cant share with most people but want her to know about it. Absolutly let her know there is all kinds of information out there for her, and plenty of people for her to talk to who are in similar situations. But go at her pace, don't overflow her with too much at once. Good Luck!

[sissystephanie]

Claire, you have a truly fantastic wife!! I hope you gave her plenty of hugs at her response. I am one of the fortunate few who "had" a supportive wife. I say had because I lost her to cancer a little over 4 years ago.

I told her before we were married and her response was terrific. She said, "Do you go out in public as Stephanie, and if not why not?" I told I did not go out as Stephanie because I was not good at makeup or fixing a wig. She just laughed and said, "Well, I am good at both, so we are going to have fun." For over 40 years we did have a lot of fun. I was her husband, lover, and her best girl friend! Yes, we did go out as two girls on occasion.

The major point to make to your wife is that, no matter how feminine your clothing is, you are still her MAN underneath! That is how I kept my wife all those years! By constantly reminding her, in whatever way I could, that I was her man even if I was wearing satin and lace things. I rarely "tucked," so she could sometimes see the proof!! To paraphrase another well known slogan, Good Supportive Wives Are Hard To Find!!:hugs::hugs:

[MJ]

so update please:hugs:

[Cheryl T]

Well, firstly, she didn't FREAK...

I would sit her down and discuss it first and then offer to show her all the websites such as this and let her read first hand what and how we girls feel.

I did this with my SO and offered to answer any question and discuss any thing she liked.

I did however...make her aware that we are not all the same and that we all have different tastes, different styles and different reasons for our dressing.

After a few days of her reading and us talking she became quite comfortable with it all and now it's become just another part of me that she shares.

[KayC]

There are a lot of folks here I would not want advising my wife on how I felt. In fact, there pretty much isn't ANYONE I would want advising my wife on how I felt... So were I in your shoes (preferably something with a nice heel) and I have been, I would not sit her down at the computer and send her to this or ANY site, rather I would sit down with a nice meal and a glass of wine and talk to her myself.

All of the standard pointers apply:

Answer of her question honestly. No matter how asinine, insulting, or absurd you think they are. YOU answer the questions. Then ask her if she has any other questions. Re-answer the same questions if she asks them a 22nd time. Be nice about it. You don't get to get angry right now. No matter what she says, implies, or asks. If you want to get angry, wait a few weeks to do it. Right now, you are going to be like Fonzie.

As time passes, it is your responsibility to ask her if there are questions that she has. Dig, prod, and do what you have to in order to get the questions she has been worrying about out of her. You want her to get her information from you, not from the beauty shop. This is (part of) why you don't get to be angry. If you blow up when she asks you about XYZ, she is not going to ask you about ABC.

Don't talk about it like you have cancer, or hepatitis, or like this is some sort of bomb that is going to destroy your relationship. Talk about it like it is something fun and enjoyable, it is after all, is it not? If I were you, I wouldn't apologize. To repurpose a slogan from the skater community "Crosdressing is not a crime." If you talk about it like it is cancer, she will think about it like it is cancer. She will take her cues from you. If you act like prey, you will become prey. Be like Fonzie.

You are a person who, like all people, deserves dignity and respect.

Remind her that you are still the same person she knew last week, last month, last year. She just knows more about you now.

I agree that Claire should answer his wife's questions himself, but I disagree about not putting her on this site. I would caution her to protect herself from overload though by steering her in the right direction...have her get her ten posts in so she can apply to the FAB forum, it's a safer place to go at first and there she can ask questions from others who've been in her shoes, questions she may not want to ask Claire yet but maybe she has some concerns or worries. You guys shouldn't assume you're the only ones afraid to broach certain things, we have things we're sometimes inwardly plagued with and don't know how to bring up...the FAB forum is a good place to start.

[KayC]

Well, firstly, she didn't FREAK...

I would sit her down and discuss it first and then offer to show her all the websites such as this and let her read first hand what and how we girls feel.

I did this with my SO and offered to answer any question and discuss any thing she liked.

I did however...make her aware that we are not all the same and that we all have different tastes, different styles and different reasons for our dressing.

After a few days of her reading and us talking she became quite comfortable with it all and now it's become just another part of me that she shares.

Cheryl, very good point!