Sexual orientation and gender:

[NiCo]

These subjects confuse me. You’d think with my own issues I’d understand fully about them, but I don’t.

The way I was raised, it was always MAN, WOMAN, and STRAIGHT. That was it. There was no in-betweens, no differences. However, over the years I think my mother realised I was different. I don’t think she knew I was “trans” until obviously I told her, but she started telling me things like “you know, girls can love girls too…like mum loves dad…” sorta thing. She thought I was…yes. And I confused her more by telling her I liked boys, only.

I did like boys only. Up until about 17 years old I considered myself gay. Then I thought “who am I to be judgemental about gender” and I began to see past my own sexuality and mould it into something else. Now, I consider myself bisexual only when I’m single. Right now I am in a relationship with a female so I consider myself straight but if we were to ever break up and I got with a male, I’d be gay.

I guess this might be confusing to some people.

Another thing, I don’t consider myself a transsexual but instead, simply and only MALE. The only time I ever mention TS when talking about myself is when someone is asking me questions, wanting to understand or learn. I don’t mention it to medical professionals, cause they have my medical notes and know my situation, therefore I see no need.

But since coming on these sort of sites I’ve realised that gender and sexuality spread much further to what I thought. I’m struggling to understand about it, but I want to.

I was reading about pansexual. See, I can’t see myself being pansexual. The wikipedia page hit’s the nail on the head as to why I don’t.

Quote: However, many people who identify as bisexual are actually attracted to people who fall outside the gender binary. These people, who could be described as pansexual, have a variety of reasons for identifying as bisexual, including widespread unfamiliarity with the term "pansexual" as well as its negative connotations for some people.

If I met someone and I really liked them, finding out they are transgender etc wouldn’t bother me, but I wouldn’t openly go out, hunting down someone who is transgender [I’m not saying this is what people who identify as pansexual do] but it just wouldn’t be something I do. Also, I would struggle to be with someone who didn’t identify as any gender…and this might seem ignorant, but because it would make me feel uncomfortable. I hope my views change over time, but as of now, due to my relationship, I don’t really need to care about it. BUT I want to understand! I want to be completely open minded as I like to call myself, but clearly if I feel this way, I am not open minded. And I want to be!

I know over time my views will change, because if I could switch my sexuality, I can change how I see gender and sexuality, be completely accepting.

[I think I’m proof you can change your sexuality…although in many cases it’s just “how you are” I guess. I believe that everyone has a right to be loved, that a man can give a man love as can a woman give a woman love, I don’t see why anyone should be judged on gender and this is where my perplexity comes into it]

See above. If they don’t identify as any gender, I wouldn’t know what to call them, how to identify their gender, sexuality and it would just confuse the hell out of me, and I’d worry about upsetting them, insulting them etc.

Also, people identify as sexualities I’ve never heard of and when I research about them, I can’t grasp it because they are SO similar to the likes of the “gay, lesbian, bisexual” sexualities, if ya know what I mean? I wonder why they can’t just identify as one of the known sexualities…but that’s me just being ignorant…cause of course it’s about, that these people don’t consider themselves these sexualities.

I really does hurt my head trying to think about it, so what I want from you lot is to tell me what you consider yourself to be and give me a brief explanation. Because, reading it from the internet, written by someone who is writing it from a book, it doesn’t make much sense to me. But if you lot were to write it from your own experiences, I can ask you questions if I don’t understand completely.

Maybe I will discover something about myself I never knew before? I could read what you have to say and be like “oh hell, that’s me?” cause I am not fully sure about my own sexuality.

Also, I don’t understand why anyone would want to be both genders. Here is an example:

Most transmen I have met aren’t getting the last op, SOLELY due to the fact that the operation is [not sufficient] however, the MtF method is basically perfected, but some still keep the…yeah? Why? If you consider yourself female…what is the need for a “male organ”. There are some transmen who keep the bottom bit, for the same reasons as the MtFs do…and I just can’t understand that. Cause, I’d love to get the bottom op but…the results are not good enough for my liking.

I’m sorry if I seem harsh I really just WANT to understand, I do! But because I have been too nervous to ask before, I really haven’t grasped it.

Another thing. I’ve been open about my gender since I was 16-17. I’ve found problems in sexuality, you see, I’ve noticed gay men and lesbian women do not accept me. Sad but it’s what I have found to be true [in my case, this may be different to others]. I’ve had countless gay men start abusing me verbally after finding out I am “trans” even though they knew me for ages as male only, then they instantly started calling me with female pronouns etc. And this hasn’t just been one or two occasions, this has been EVERY encounter I’ve had. It’s the same with lesbian women. I’ve never been interested in girls who only like girls [I avoid them like the plague] but I would love them as friends. Thing is, problems occur from this also. I’ve had a lot of things said to me over the past few years, but the worst thing ever said to me by a lesbian was “you are a betrayal to women…destroying your perfect body to become a man” [you don’t want to know my reply to this, it wasn’t pleasant]

These encounters have caused me to avoid these sort of people. When I find a gay man is interested in me, I act like an absolute ar*sehole so he would lose interest because if I don’t, I’d have to tell him about myself and it just causes pain to myself. They just seem so ignorant, and I don’t know if that’s got to do with the way they have been treated by homophobic people…but I find it disgusting.

When I meet someone, who is different to me, or different to what I am used to, I may not understand, but I accept it as “one of those things” or “each to their own” and see past it all, and like them as a person rather than anything else.

But unlike these idiots, I WANT to understand…so if you can explain to me what gender you are, sexuality and explain it if you see it as different to the known gay, lesbian, bisexual and pansexual classes.

[I’ve probably contradicted myself several times while writing this, only because I am not fully sure of myself. Don’t take this thread as an insult, it’s more educational and own experiences]

I’m sure I had more to write but I have completely went blank lol. Oh and Mods, i wasn't sure where to put this thread, so if it's in the wrong place, please move it to the right place. Thanks muchly.

[Ze]

Hmmm...mouthful, mouthful, mouthful...

Let's see what I can make of this, little brother. :) Lots of great stuff in here...

Pansexuality. In theory, I'm considering myself more and more a pansexual. Why? Because I truly think that personality and mentality are the biggest factors for me in a person. I don't want to lose out on something that precious just because of a body type. ("Oh man, you'd be perfect for me if only you weren't a(n) X.") So, although I don't actively seek transpeople or intersexuals or anybody else, I notice I always keep my eyes open for just about any person that comes across my path. And no, that doesn't mean that I'll simply "take anybody;" I actually am not too crazy about most people. :devil: Pansexuals can still be picky.

But, then again, I'm only talking about my own thoughts of pansexuality. Not anybody else's.

Gender blurring. When I first came out to myself, I thought I might be either a blend of genders or no gender at all. I was still figuring out what was more comfortable for me. And I was okay with that. For most major cultures to be so used to a concept of identity based on gender (whatever that may be), it's baffling and incomprehensible to hear of somebody with "no" gender. But, you get used to the idea over time. When I first considered that I might have no gender (the idea just sort of popped into my head), my immediate thought after was, "Wait...what?!" :heehee:

And just like TGs and the like, it takes an open mind and lots of asking questions to understand. So if you ever come across a "no" gender person, just treat them politely. Ask them questions if you know them well enough, and if they don't want to answer, just back off. *shrugs*

Lacking acceptance of LGB community. This sucks, I'll admit it. It's sheer hypocrisy. I've heard plenty of stories like yours and it makes me sad. I have two theories on the matter; one on gays and one on lesbians. For gay men, they may be afraid that "people like you" are going to make them look bad by association. Just like you've already stated, gender and orientation are two different things; and I think the gay community tries really hard to show that to the hetero majority. And we're simply getting the brunt of that decision.

For lesbians, most realize their orientation by strong feminine influences and a strong personal female core. Being a feminist and TG myself, I can tell you that some (not all. Some) female feminists are very disapproving of TGs. Why? For the transmen, they consider them to be a "betrayer" of their "femaleness," (what femaleness? Huh?) while they believe transwomen can't "join the club" because they were never "really women" and therefore can't truly understand the predicament ciswomen are in. Further, some feminists have an issue with either TG variety "perpetuating" cultural stereotypes of gender. *shrugs* Personally, I think an ally is an ally is an ally, so they should freaking accept me already! I mean, what do you want me to be then? An enemy?

Anyway, lesbians can sometimes be disapproving because they are feminist and some feminists think like the above.

I think you had more questions in your post than what I addressed here, but I need to rest my head a minute. Thanks a lot. :heehee:

[Heather65]

Wow........I read your post and my eyes crossed (lol)

I certainly understand what you are asking yourself, I have for years. I just recently decided to really get in touch with my female side, and crossdressing has been a very good vehicle for that. Whew, I feel much more at ease with myself.

I really don't understand sexual orientation: I love women, but occasionally see men. For me it comes down to how I feel about them as human beings, not looks. Since I stopped trying to figure it out I feel comfortable with me.

As far as gay/lesbian relations, it has been my experience that people have difficulty understanding issues that are outside of their world, whether they be straight, gay or lesbian. I don't know if people want to take the time and effort to reach at least and understanding, if not acceptance, of something "different".

As I get older, I find that I just don't care as much of what people think of me.

I enjoyed reading your post.

[SirTrey]

Hey Nico....Very good post....I hope a you get a lot of responses to it so that you can read different peoples' points of view and, maybe, find something you can identify with....If nothing else, it's a great way to see the sheer variety in the way that people see themselves and deal with being "different".....I will answer in the same format that Ze did....
1) Gender) I am male....I do not see Myself as being a man born in the wrong body due to a mistake during fetal development....I consider it a birth defect, same as any other birth defect, and I deal with it accordingly....I am correcting it. Even prior to transitioning, I always felt "different"...As a small child, I didn't know HOW I was different, I just knew that I was....As I hit puberty, I became acutely aware of the fact that I did not understand girls, did not relate to them, did not belong with them in divided social situations....but, I always understood guys, related to them perfectly, and was at My best when I was hanging around with them. I did My best to acclamate, was miserable....I felt like the ultimate pretender in situations that you would think I would have been the MOST comfortable in...I STILL do not understand women....I never will. They drive Me crazy, but I love them. :D

2) Sexuality I am hetero/straight....I am attracted to women, period. I do not identify with GLB labels at all....When I came out to My mother and grandmother, their first question to Me was, "Can't you just be a lesbian?" I said, no, I can't be a lesbian because lesbians are WOMEN, and I am not a woman...That just shows you where people get gender and sexuality confused, when, in fact, they are two completely separate things....When I was in therapy prior to transition (to get on T), the therapist told Me that hormones will, very often, clarify your sexuality....She said that people who have more blurred sexuality (sometimes confused because of being transsexual) will often see their real sexuality come shining through clearly once they start on hormones....and that sometimes this has major consequences in their lives, ie: they find that they are no longer compatible with the partner they are with going into transition....In the past, trying to acclamate, I was married, had children...but was NEVER comfortable with that....Now, I couldn't be with a man if I had to be alone the rest of My life because there WERE no women....For Me, it's women or nothing....I can't even imagine being with a guy, lol....The thought frankly makes Me sick (no slam to men, it's just I am THAT hetero)...I find nothing attractive at all about masculinity, unless it's on Me. :drink:

3) Acceptance of the GLBT community) I do feel that the GLBT community has completely turned against the "T" people for many of the reasons stated above....I also feel a kinship with them because I am different, but I also feel separated and very different from them for one very major reason....The sexuality versus gender issue....I am straight, therefore NOT GL or B....So, if sexuality is the criteria for belonging to that group, I don't....I have a birth defect....I think we need to be our own, independent group....We have our own issues, our own stuff to deal with....If a person is ALSO gay, lesbian, or bi, they would qualify for THAT reason....but I'm not sure that the "T" fits in quite so well with the "G", "L", or "B" if you are simply trans and nothing else.

Hope this helps. :hugs:

[Misty is Kindafem]

Trey said;
"The thought frankly makes Me sick (no slam to men, it's just I am THAT hetero)...I find nothing attractive at all about masculinity, unless it's on Me."

You are definitely my kind of guy Trey. Your attitude is HOT.

-Misty

[SirTrey]

Wow! Thank you, Misty...That definitely made Me smile....:D :love::hugs:

[Sheila]

okay this old GG will try ......although I may just add more confusion to the mix :doh::D

Gender is easy for me to answer GF and have no calling/need/want/desire to be any other .. guess I am lucky :)


Sexuality ........... considered mysekf hetro all my life ... still do, to a huge huge extent ...... but having said that I happily enjoy "our" sex life which includes making love with him or her or starting as him, then finishing as her or starting as her and ending as him ............... told you it might get confusing, but it is what it is ........... No I would not seek or want a relationship with another woman if I was not involved with D & D, but lovemaking involves both their genders ........... which may become more comfusing or clearer down the line should they make the decision to transition wholly or partly in the future. Having said just a year ago that I would not become involved with another CDER or want one either, look where i am today :daydreaming:

I would not seek a relationship (sexually) with another woman if I was not with D***, but I have to say, I would not rule out the possibility of having one, if the right "PERSON" came along and their gender was female and they discoverd they wanted to be in a committed relationship with me and I felt the same ...............


So what does that make me sexually ............... well who the frigg cares, I sure as heck don't ............ I am just me, they will be them and if we get on, all well and good :)

[GypsyKaren]

Instead of worrying about what some is, concentrate on who they are, that's what matters. Look for someone you care about and feel good with and forget about their label, it mean nothing.

Why don't more MtF's have the surgery? They all have their own personal reasons, but I would imagine that cost has a lot to do with it, I know that having mine was financial suicide. You also have to realize that it is major surgery, that's enough to scare off plenty. I have never considered the taking of hormones or having SRS to be a litmus test for transsexuals, everyone is entitled to find their way to a happy life in whatever manner they seek or find.

I also don't care one bit about acceptance from the Gay community, I accept myself and so do my loved ones, the rest of the world means nothing to me as I should to them.

Karen :g3:

[Joan Merrie]

Instead of worrying about what some is, concentrate on who they are, that's what matters. Look for someone you care about and feel good with and forget about their label, it mean nothing.

Why don't more MtF's have the surgery? They all have their own personal reasons, but I would imagine that cost has a lot to do with it, I know that having mine was financial suicide. You also have to realize that it is major surgery, that's enough to scare off plenty. I have never considered the taking of hormones or having SRS to be a litmus test for transsexuals, everyone is entitled to find their way to a happy life in whatever manner they seek or find.

I also don't care one bit about acceptance from the Gay community, I accept myself and so do my loved ones, the rest of the world means nothing to me as I should to them.

Karen :g3:
Karen, I agree. Heck just Transitioning is financial suicide. But we have a roof over our head and my family isn't starving any more. We don't have alot of the luxuries we did, but its either that or off my self.
Nico, brother just be your self, stop worrying about labels. :hugs::love: You sis, Joanie

[NiCo]

This was more educational rather than worrying, I also don't care...I wanted my questions answered as best as possible...because sociology and psychology interest me and in case you are wondering...trans related things are a big part of coursework in sociology and psychology. Because a book can’t rhyme off answers to your questions, they tell you and you have to accept it, you can’t ask a book things and get answers.

Also, yes it's financial ruin [this is my opinion now, not a statement of you MUST do this] but I got myself into dept getting on hormones cause I thought "I do this or I will die, money isn't an issue" I starved, went without electricity and basic luxuries to get what I felt I should have been born with. And I got it, regardless. That's what I don't understand. A lot of people don't think that way...for whatever reason, because I am a hundred per cent sure of this, I would do ANYTHING. I even considered more desperate ways of making money.

I did all this despite an NHS system, where I could have waited 3 years and got it all for free. But there was no way I was waiting that long, as I had already been waiting about 3 years for help in the first place. I completely discarded my whole family when I got an incline they weren’t happy about my decision, I let go of everything and everybody who got in my way.

The psychology of things are studying how and why these people do this, react to the situation they are put in etc etc. Sociology is how society is perceived. This interests me, it will also help me to understand. So if you don’t have anything to say to my questions, don’t answer like I am clueless to society, cause you’ll find I don’t care about labels, but I’d like to know about them anyway! And I might learn a thing or two. :)

Thank you. :hugs:

I'm not being evil in this post [I find myself writing this a lot, why? Lol]

[Sheila]

I'm not being evil in this post [I find myself writing this a lot, why? Lol]

cos you are scared, angry, hurting, lonely and frightened and don't want folks to see all that:hugs:

[4serrus]

I don't think I've ever seen you write that much in a single post before, Nico.

I will try to answer your questions.

I consider myself Queer. Um, just Queer. That's what I've settled on (for now) after trying on other lables and finding them not fitting quite right.

On Gender: I consider myself to be Masculine. I'm about 80% male and 20% female. Or is that feminine. I don't know. I'm an asshole nerd who tries to be macho, but I still coo over babies and puppies and get righteously indignant over women's rights issues. I don't know what the hell that means. Transitioning is a serious thing that I want to do, and if I was on my own I would definitely be going ahead with that. But I'm not, I have a child and that child's financial security to consider. My disphoria is not so bad that I'm trying to cut my breasts off and this is a major reason why I'm reluctant to call myself transsexual. I usually use transgender instead if I have to be specific. I guess because I'm not driven enough I don't feel right taking that particular lable for myself. Taking care of my son is more important than taking care of myself. Plus, I'm also a feminist and as Ze said above, that can get complicated.

On Sexuality: Complicated. I don't like....hetero-normative relationships. I don't like Normal. I'm sexually attracted to men, but only if they're open minded, and I'm 100 times more attracted to gay or bi (or ambiguous) men than straight men, for reasons that should be obvious. I'm also attracted to women but it's more...emotionally-based. Not that I don't love a good rack (especially if it rivals my own, harr), just...I guess I'm a little more picky with girls? There has to be an interest beyond the physical for me with girls (in fact most times it doesn't even matter). Whereas with guys I'm cool with the idea of just screwing. Maybe it's cuz girls are complicated. I don't really understand them that well except for, well, Going Through Crisis kind of things because I've beem there. I've Been There is also a big reason I'm all gung-ho about women's rights.

On GLB(t): It's uh, it's hard. On the one hand, I am all queer and proud and WOO! But on the other... I'm not gender-normal either, and that's a big part of me too. And these two halves can never seem to get along because of one thing or the other. Yeah, L and G folks don't get along with T folks that much...but then lots of L and G folk don't think Bs even exist. And when I'm in T-spaces, it's typically a huge hetfest and I feel a disconnect of a wholly different variety.

Growing up I always knew something was different about me, but I couldn't figure out what it was. First I had to deprogram myself out of the deeply religious BS that I was raised with, so I thought my problem was faith-based. Then I realized that I was sometimes attracted to girls, so I thought maybe I was just Bi. Then I discovered that FtMs actually exist (holy crap), and for the first time things started to make some kind of sense, but all the other layers were still there. And it's real complicated.


So, yeah, I'm just Queer.

[Seamus_Jameson]

Wow, neat thread. Very complicated question, but I'll try to give my answers to the thing.

Gender: I see myself (sort of) as the big brother to my former, female self. I'm 100% male, no holds barred. At the same time, I think that she still exists inside of me. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. Would I get rid of her if I could? Yes, absolutely. Am I sure that would be a wise decision? No.

Sexuality: I'm pansexual. I'll go for pretty much anyone, if I like them enough. 'Course, I'm already married to the best d*mn guy on the face of the earth, so. . .

The LGB folks: Lesbians. Don't even get me started. . . Basically, I think we should mind our business and let the queers mind theirs. However! Let's consider the situation reversed. Would we welcome them into our movement, if they were the political minority? I don't know the answer to that one.

I think I've ranted enough. I may come back later and add more.

[Heatherx75]

Gender: Girl. The maleness never took off in me. I could act like one very convincingly to a point, but this caused me no end of stress. Now I'm back where I left off at the last puberty: Silly teenage girl.
Now that I'm transitioning and identifying more and more as female, I'm becoming more aware of feminism and the politics of being female. Certain things offend me that I didn't have to think about before. Also, I don't consider that the fact that my profession and my hobbies being done mostly be men makes me a certain percentage male. It really bothers me when baby transgirls say, "Oh, I must not be TS because I've got all these guy hobbies!" It's 2009 people! I don't know anything about Danica Patrick, but I bet that if you said to her, "You're a certain percentage male because you drive race cars. That's for boys," she'd slap you right in the face and rightfully so. (Well, maybe not slap you, but it'd be justified.)
Sexuality:Now that I'm on hormones, I'm starting to like guys more and more. The fact that straight guys can be a little threatening is a major part of the appeal. It is not that I didn't ever think about being with guys before hormones, it's that I never noticed them in real life. This always caused me a great deal of confusion. So now I'm getting physical attractions to match my fantasy life.
I've said in another thread recently that I used to think I liked girls because I was always looking at them, but I realize now that I was really just checking out their clothes.:) That being said, I kissed a girl, and I liked it, as the song goes. That was long before I started transition, and it's more correct to say that she kissed me. Sex in that relationship was impossible for me, mainly because she expected me to top and be the man. In fact, most of the fun in it for me was that we'd kiss in public, and I'd say to myself, "hey look at me I'm so straight, I'm making out with my girl on the corner, ha ha!" Now when I think about being with a girl as a girl (which isn't often) there's a rush of excitement like I'd be breaking some kind of taboo.
the LGB community:The rejection by gays and lesbians of transpeople is not something that I have personally experienced, but I know that others have. I know that we've been politically screwed. If you look at the T community politically, we couldn't be in a weaker position. We just don't have clout, and I think that's because so many people want to go stealth. When you do that, you can't very well go and march on Washington or do any of the other obvious political things that need to be done when you want equality. On the other hand, there are real practical reasons for going stealth, such as being able to find a job and keep it. It's a catch-22 situation, and I don't blame anyone for going that way.
Politics aside, I was hanging out in a queer bar in Brooklyn a few nights ago with my new friends Melissa and Steph- I walked in in boy clothes, no makeup- and it's 95% lesbians that night- I walked in like that and said, "Hi, I'm Heather." The reaction? "Hi Heather, it's nice to meet you." Nobody was weird towards me. If anybody had had a problem with me, they'd have thrown them the f*** out. So I'm a little weary of blanket statements about the queer community not accepting us like they should. I know it happens, I know it's not uncommon, but the homosexuals I hang out with aren't like that.

[joanlynn28]

Gender: I'm a woman 100%, how I lived as a male now amazes me. It is just so foreign to me now especially since I finalized my transition. Okay but I still enjoy alot of the things that I did in the past. It doesn't bother me at all, this is the 21st century and a woman can do whatever she wants to. I've worked jobs that are typically male and I do a better job of it than most men so there.

Sexuality: I still have to figure this one out, the situation has caused stress in my relationship with my best friend. That's all I am going to say about it. This is not the place or forum for me to discuss it. End of discussion.

LGBT: Okay it has been a mixed reaction with the community. I have met a lot of people that are very supportive and excepting but have also have had run ins with certain individuals too. There was one particular man who launched verbal attacks against my sister and myself. Spread lies and accusations about us and turned many in the Gay and Lesbian business community against us. Yes resentment within the gay and lesbian community does exists towards us in the transgendered community. Something that should not be, but it is there which is unfortunate. We should all stand together.
:2c:

[Melissa A.]

Having heard and accepted all of my life that sexual orientation and gender were separate entities, it really spooked me when I started to feel not just a physical attraction, but also an emotional attachment to men. I identified as a a hetero cd for so many years-but I never forgot laying in my bed, crying myself to sleep many times because I was born a boy, and not a girl. I was barely 4 and sex was the last thing on my mind. Of course, that was 1964 and what the hell did I know? I didnt know you could change the sex you were born into. I did realise even at that age that this was something the world at large probably wouldn't be too receptive of. About a year later I discovered the joys of crossdressing and figured that was it. This was the answer to the sadness that often held me in it's grasp. The idea of telling anybody that I really felt I should be a girl was totally out of the question. Some little kids have that wherewithall and determination to tell the world who they are. I didn't. I was scared to. So began 40 years of burying who I was and pretending to be someone else.

So right there, right off the bat, there was shame. and fear. Along with great relief and serenity that came with secret crossdressing. The role they played in my upbringing, and my sexual and social development were huge, I think. One thing that hasn't been brought up here is the role our culture plays in all of this. The messages we recieve are constant and pervasive. And the results are sometimes a little strange. If a little boy identifies with femaleness, and his culture tells him femaleness is weak, passive, and frivolous, He may fight his femaleness, and present himself as Mr. tough guy. He may turn his feelings into a Submissive nature, sexually. He may do both. I grew my hair long as a kid. I was pretty small. I was picked on, called a girl, laughed at, humiliated. And damn. I hated it. And I liked it. The mixture of shame, fear, guilt, and longing to be what I was accused of being by the bullies and even some adults was probably too much for a little kid to make sense of. It was easier to shut it all down and do what was obviously expected of me. But the dressing never went away, even as I became a "boy". Even as I discovered that I was physically gifted, athletically. despite being small, I was extremely fast, wirey, and coordinated. I couldn't fight, and didnt want to. But sports-running, jumping, catching, throwing, climbing better than most was a way for me to assert my boyness. To show everyone I was one of the guys. It became a large part of my self-image for so long. I held onto it so tightly, for decades, because, I guess I felt it was all I had.

As far as sexuality, I idolized girls. Yes, I wanted to date them, and hold them, and kiss them. But more than that, I wanted to be accepted by them. I wanted so badly for them to like me, let me hang out with them, talk with them. And there was always a part of my brain that expected them to, even though they didnt. That confusion and frustration, combined with my secret crossdressing(that could NEVER be discovered;that would truly be the end of the world!) and submissive fantasies combining gender change and humiliation, involving both guys and girls, sexually, made me painfully shy around girls, even as I appeared to be fairly well adjusted, socially.

I'm not going to bore everyone with a life story, here. My point, in explaining some of my young life is to illustrate that There is so much that happens to us when we are young, socially, that has a profound imapct on us later. Friends, family, educators, media and the general culture all play a role. Yes, my attraction to men came as a surprise to me, and was one of the catalysts that motivated me into therapy, and re-discovery of that little 4 year old kid who KNEW who she was. In a perfect world, I would have asserted who I was, would have been listened to, been nurtured, and my sexual orientation, which was most likely already there, would have developed naturally without all of the mixed messages and denial. I don't know what would have happened. Maybe this. but whatever it is, it wouldn't have taken 45 years! One thing I find interesting-Almost immediately after accepting myself as a woman, and one who was born with a transsexual condition, all of the "kinky" things like sexual submissiveness that were a big apart of my life as a male went away like someone throwing a light switch. I'm not saying role playing and the like are necessarilly bad things, for those who enjoy them, just that mine were the result of playing the part of someone I really was not.


I consider myself a bi-sexual woman, with a stronger physical attraction for men than women. But I never say never. Who someone is, and how I connect with them, is more important to me than their born gender. And women as a whole are free of alot of the macho, phony bullcrap that dominates so many men's lives. And that makes them attractive emotionally. But being held in the arms of the right man simply feels so right, so real for me.

I spend alot of time with lesbians because since moving, I have discovered a place where I am accepted as simply Melissa, not the tranny Melissa. And have begun to forge some great friendships. I didnt really expect that. I thought my social life might end up revolving around TG bars and events. I have heard some lesbian places are much more seroius, so maybe I just got lucky. Heather was right. It was never even in question for me to not introduce her as Heather when she showed up. Just as it was totally natural for my friends to think nothing of it, despite her presenting on the male side that night. Yeah, I have met some lesbian feminists and the like who just will not accept me. Their hypocrisy is their problem. They're in the minority. Gay men, for the most part, are just a lot of fun, and I've never had a problem with one, personally.

Hugs,

Melissa:)