Ts (m2f & f2m) and their so’s only to answer please

[Sheila]

I am at a loss, I feel at the moment I am back at the beginning o f a relationship where I have barely a clue what is going on. That I could probely cope with if it were not for the fact that this turmoil anguish and confusion is hurting those closest to us and I worry that he may seriously damage his relationship with his family and friends beyhond repair ( and yes I am aware here that I am using the male pronoun and I am doing so deliberately:straightface:)

The more Debs appears the harder it is becoming that is to revert to D***, and the days on which D*** has to make an appearance are fraught with ill humour and some days downright nastiness.

I have suspected for sometime (and we have discussed it), the D**** is more TS than cder ……….

The moods are bad, but I am coping with them just !!!!! …. at the moment.

We are discussing all this all along the way, and as late as yesterday I posed the question, gut feeling, no thinking about why not, just plain, this is how I feel deep down inside,

“given the option would you rather be Debs or D*** full time” ……….. his immediate reply is “DEBS”

His eyes or the days where he feels he has to be D*** are troubled, heavy and very, very sad, the change in mood and demeanour is immediate the second that Debs begins to come into play.

I do understand his fears of living as Debs fulltime, the loss of friends, his alpha male status which has/is been important to him all his adult life, but at the moment he is risking losing family and friends anyway with his verbal aggression and mood swings, and I am not just talking about petty little things, but huge hurtful things being said on a daily basis, his actions are sometimes over the top in relation to certain incidents and he acknowledges this :sad:

He and I are both aware (and have discussed it) that he is on a cusp of something and he fears the discovery of what that is.

My question really after all the babbling to you all is ……… are the moods a normal part of this internal struggle while you try to balance the dual you that you have had to live for so long before you reach some final sort of decision ……… and how do you cope with them ? and how do the SO’s and family cope ?

I love him/her both and either, I hate to see the pain they are going through, and I know I can’t make any decision for him, but would appreciate any thoughts on how I/he/we can get through this together.

EDITED TO ADD ...........obviousley Debs has the right to input in this thread ....... should have made that clear from the get go :doh:

[Lisa Golightly]

I didn't cope with them... I pushed away the people who wanted to be close, and when it became too much I drank myself to oblivion and sliced my body open in acts of self-harm.

[Sheila]

Lisa thats one/ several of the things I am seeing and am concerned about

[SirTrey]

I think he's scared....and rightfully so....Transitioning is HARD and it can (and frequently does) cost a LOT....You can lose your family, friends....Society is not at all kind....Opportunities are more limited in a lot of ways....but....If you are transgendered/transsexual, often NOT transitioning is just as hard....It's a hell of a position to be in....and most people are not in a very good mood when they hit that "in-between" part where you straddle the fence....I think some of his (her, I'm not sure which to use here) problem is that he has found acceptance with you...and Debs has been able to come out more and more...As she does, he sees more and more just how right it is to BE her....and it snowballs....It's tough to be with someone going through that...and a lot of relationships don't survive it....My therapist going into transition said two things that are very true....One is that transition is a very selfish process, which it is....Changing your life to that degree is very consuming, it HAS to be....not doing it when you feel it tugging on you is equally consuming....and sometimes the partner gets pushed out to some degree....The other was, the further into transition you go, the harder it is to go back....They caution all people going into transition about this...It is really a pretty permanent process once it starts....by being Debs more and more, she sort of IS in transition already....and I just think this is a scary thing for her.....and for you, I'm sure. :hugs:

[Gizmo, Debbie]

These sorts of emotions are pretty much the normal for transgendered people and the longer these emotions are kept bottled up ( the older you are) the more aggressive ( if thats the right word?)they are when released.
He as now admitted his CDing to you and is now seriously struggling with his wants and needs.
My early life saw me push folk away and i became a lonner abusing my body by turning to extreme sports often ending with injury.
I am now out and about as my female personna yet still push folk away.
Most of the time i'm fairly calm and focused but everynow and again i get so frustrated (about not doing it earlier, about having never had friends about never being able to get close anough to people as enter into a loving adult realationship) that you just wouldnt believe:eek:
It is sooo hard trying to convey thoughts and emotions like this but hopefully from this site you will learn more about what (s)he is going through.
One things the pair of you are doing right is talking! talking helps you learn about each other just when he opens up its gonna be like afizzy drinks bottle being opened....all the fizz/emotions suddenly burst out and this will frustrate him/her all the more as he doesnt like doing it infront of you.
Keep talking and good luck.:hugs:

[Sandra]

Well we've already spoke...and you've some idea of what me and Nigella went through earlier on this year.

How have I coped....well firstly if she's is moody or has had a go at me then I've told her not to take it out on me, I am here to help but will not be a scapegoat, sofar things haven't been to bad, I guess I've been the ear that's been bent, we have sat a talked for hours since she's realised that she is TS and I think because this has been a slow journey for both of us, even though we didn't know excatly where it was going, it has been sofar fairly easy.

I guess it's a case of being there for them but not letting them take advantage you.

Dunno what else to say really but look forward to reading what others have to say.

[Kieron Andrew]

are the moods a normal part of this internal struggle while you try to balance the dual you that you have had to live for so long before you reach some final sort of decision ……… and how do you cope with them ? and how do the SO’s and family cope ?From my point of view the mood swings are definitely gender dysphoria orientated, i experienced them ALOT more when i was living two lives so to speak and they are less now i have begun to transition, but still there are off days when i get frustrated being in the wrong body, my partner tends to leave me alone on my off days, but lets me know she is there if i want to offload, plus she gives me lots of cuddles cos i tend to get very clingy on those days rather than distant...just by being there and accepting Debs exists will help...give her lots of cuddles when she feels this way...the unspoken actions i find help the most




I love him/her both and either, I hate to see the pain they are going through, and I know I can’t make any decision for him, but would appreciate any thoughts on how I/he/we can get through this together.
perhaps, not seeing them as two people but rather one person with two spirits might help you both...She'll know when or if its time to transition...it kinda hits you clean between the eyes...just love her for her and be there im sure that will be enough....best wishes :hugs:

[NiCo]

Offt. I’m sure a lot of you on here are aware of my mood swings. Like, at one point [around 2 years ago] I was pushing EVERYONE away from me regarding the mood swing…and it dragged on violently until my first injection. However, I never got angry with my ex partner…only when she hurt me which I would shout etc.

It’s caused by helplessness. It seems NO-ONE is helping you, either they can’t or just can’t be bothered. You’re trapped, isolated and it’s traumatic. Debs will be scared about losing family…I’ve been there, feared losing friends but it got so bad, I got to the stage I didn’t care. In fact, I began dropping them before they did it to me, because it hurt less.

I really struggled to stay dry eyed when I read this, seems a lot of what I went through. I am concerned. If she doesn’t get help soon, it may lead to worse things like self-harm.

Suggest she see someone specialising in this [warning, it may take a while so maybe private consultations with someone would be better…] and she doesn’t need to get any bodily changes done, she could just go, speak about her problems and it may help her accept what’s going on?

I don’t really know, cause when I saw someone I had my head clear of exactly what I wanted, I had dropped everyone in my life who I knew would try and stop me.

It’s a very difficult subject because we can suggest things, but really? It’s up to Debs to choose what she wants. I really do hope that things get better, I want to give you both a big hug and tell you it will be okay!

If she ever needs to chat about how she feels regarding the trans feelings, give her my email address, I will listen and try and suggest things or whatever…this must be a awful time for you both, and I’m sorry it’s happening.

It’s good she has someone as loving and caring as you. We all need to have someone like you!

:hugs:

[Sandra]

She'll know when or if its time to transition...it kinda hits you clean between the eyes...

My god you've just said excatly what happened to Nigella.

[Joan Merrie]

My moods got so bad, just trying to be "The Man". My bad moods wasn't realy aimed at Tammy, or Jammie. More aimed at my self. I even tried to commit suicide numerous times. Then it hit me and Tammy, one day I need help, that's when I started studying about GID, Then found a therapist. Now that I'm working on transition, not quite full time yet. Tammy and Jammie tells me I'm easier to get along with. I hope my long winded response helped. I say find an experienced gender counselor.:hugs::love:

[Kieron Andrew]

My god you've just said excatly what happened to Nigella.

Welcome to my world two years ago :lol2: i just couldnt take anymore....

[Teri Jean]

Sheila, first thing I cannot speak for Debs as only she really knows what is going through her mind. I personally have gone and going through the same and that is why I made my decission to trans before the hurtful things got to the point I said or did things to hurt others or myself. I went for therapy to see if this is where I am and found I was transgendered or transsexual. I pretty much already knew this but needed someone to say such. Although I am early in the therapy process my mind has become more clear and focused.

Yes I have already made choices that some may think are premature, including my therapist but under the circumstances this is for my benefit as well as those I know as friends. Will there be a loss of friends, probably but those who remain are really my friends and they will be closer than before.

I wish you both the best and don't give up. Debs is a wonderful person and it may take time but she will get through this just as I will. Debs we love you and want the best for you.

Huge huggs to both of you. Teri

[Deborah Jane]

First a bit of background.......

I first started "dressing", like many c/ders when I was a young lad [about 7 years old]....I tried on my mums tights and gradually over the next few years worked my way up to dressing fully.

At the age of 13 something bad happened in my life, I was raped by my best friends step father!! [I was in boy clothes at the time!!]...I suspect my 3 best friends also suffered the same fate, I've never known for sure as over the years they've all committed suicide.......The consequence of what happened was that I took comfort in "dressing" as an escape from the reality of life.... During this time I also started "Self harming" and made my first suicide attempt [things that have been constants during my life whenever things get too hard to deal with]. At this time I also developed some very strong personality traits and became able to defend myself from threats of any kind, I also developed a strong male persona which though gaining me respect, also stopped anyone getting too close to me emotionally!

At the age of 16/17 my "dressing" disappeared as I’d started an apprenticeship and developed a strong interest in other things, during this time I became very much of an "alpha male" and lived life to the full, gaining respect from everyone I came into contact with [both for my work and the hobbies I was/am involved with].
I always took greater risks to be "number 1" and as such, people started looking to me for some form of leadership. Also during this time I met and married my [ex] wife and together we had 3 great children....Life was good..I knew who I was!!

In my mid forties "she" came back, totally unexpectedly after 28 years absence. I tried to fight the urge to "dress" again but it still came back and eventually I relented and "dressed" again. Once I realised it wasn't going to go away again I told my "ex wife", she couldn't deal with it and that, added to the other things wrong in our relationship spelled the end for us!

After splitting with my "ex" wife I started drinking heavily to start with, I also started "dressing" more often until I decided "this is all wrong" and made another suicide attempt, the result being that I ended up in therapy for the next 2 years!! During my time in therapy I started coming to terms with my past, especially what happened when I was 13 years old and the resulting suicides that followed. My "gender issues" were touched on and after some "expert" counselling we decided that I enjoyed crossdressing, nothing more and that there is nothing wrong in this activity......I started coming to terms with things again and though not entirely comfortable about being a crossdresser, I could live with it!

Around this time I joined this site which helped me realise I was not alone with this and, to cut a long story short, here I eventually came to meet Sheila.....I told Sheila about my past from the beginning of our relationship and she has been very understanding and supportive throughout. Sheila moved down here with me 7 weeks ago and though we’ve had a few spats, things have been great between us, I have been “dressing” on and off and we’ve both been having fun with it. Recently though the “mood swings” [among other things] have been coming back also, and I admit “Yes” I do feel happier being “dressed” at these times and I also feel down if I can’t for some reason or other!!

This whole issue is confusing me, so maybe I should just leave this where it is for now!!
Debs

[Lisa Golightly]

The only thing I'd say is that both Debbie and I went through a period of 24/7 dressing. For her that was enough whereas for me it was proof that I needed to be Lisa. I guess it is time for you to see where you lie on the spectrum... Though I suspect like all of us those answers are largely known to you already...

Lisa x

[Deborah Jane]

Thanks to those who answered in here, you've all given me a lot to consider, some of it too close for comfort!!

At the end of the day, in many ways I wish "she" had never reappeared, "she" was gone, I was doing ok without "her"!!

The only thing "she" has brought into my life is total confusion, I know "she" is part of me, but I was surviving ok without "her"!!!!

If I could get "her" back out of my life.....I would!!!!

[pamela_a]

At the end of the day, in many ways I wish "she" had never reappeared, "she" was gone, I was doing ok without "her"!!

The only thing "she" has brought into my life is total confusion, I know "she" is part of me, but I was surviving ok without "her"!!!!

If I could get "her" back out of my life.....I would!!!!

I've lived those words. I would imagine most TS have. What I finally had to admit to myself was she is more than just a part of me, she IS me. She always has been there and could never go away.

The confusion for me was caused by my listening to society telling me who I was and not listening to what I knew to be the truth. Trying to let other people overrule what I knew about me finally got unbearable for me. Sure there have been some problems but I've never felt better or more at peace since I started transitioning.


Only you know yourself Debs. Find a good gender therapist. They can help you find the answers you seek.


Most of all know we're here. There are many who have been where you are now.

Hugs.

-Pam-

[Karen564]

If I could get "her" back out of my life.....I would!!!!

Yes, You would if you could, but the sad truth is, it's not going to happen...

and if she (your inner self) goes away for a bit, she'll just come back again later with a vengeance & stronger than ever every time..well, that's been from my own experiences with it..

I was once in the same place your in now, and had very bad mood swings, which got to the point of self destructing my 20 year marriage in part because I was frustrated with my male side for not being able to fight her off anymore..but at the same time never wanted her to leave when I was dressed up...It's all about the inner struggle & turmoil we feel living with two persona's..one is real, the other is a lie..

I had always known what I was from the time I was 5, and by the time I was a teenager & young adult, I figured I could just keep fighting it off as usual and accept the cards I was dealt with being born into a male body & continue living the lie as a man, I truly thought it would all go away in time & I could beat it, but it never did go away & just got worse every year..

I had finally realized she had finally triumphed over the male lie I had so hard tried to hold onto for my family's sake. but it finally wore me out to the point I couldn't go on anymore living a lie..it was tearing me up inside..and was strongly leaning towards committing suicide, but then thought about my two little girls, it just broke my heart thinking of what that would do to them...so then I got professional help, and was soon on a full regimen of HRT after that...It saved my life and knew right then it was the right direction for me to go..

Transitioning is a very slow but steady process for me, and I still need to dress somewhat as a man in my work life because of the issues my girls have seeing their father dressed all out as a woman in public where their friends may be, so I have to keep their best interest in mind too while keeping a low profile..All of which is fine to a point, because it's not about the clothes for me anymore, but by all means, dont get me wrong, it's still so nice to get all dolled up from time to time, but I dont NEED it to feel good in my skin anymore, and know that I'm all woman no matter how I'm dressed..so my inner struggle is over, and far better off now because of it..

Presently, I can say the tables have turned for me, and now view my dressing up in guy clothes as cross-dressing, ..and it's gotten to the point that trying to dress up as a man is such a chore to do and find it harder & harder to present as a guy, not the other way around, so now I can completely understand how a FTM feels, but will hopefully be able to stop CD'ing as a guy all together very soon..:D

I'm sure many older (over 40) TS MTF's can relate to my story too..

So Debs, I can't tell you what you should do, it's something you need to figure out for yourself, it's your life and only you can make the decision of what you want to do with it.. and I hope you can face those inner demons & struggles making your life and others around you so hard at the moment..

We will always be here to help & give whatever support you need along the way..

:hugs:

[Empress Lainie]

Debs, I wish you the best. It can be so hard as all of us know. I just thank the Gods that I never had to go through that. I had enough pain and anguish from other causes. The fact that I never knew until I was 72 what I was (female) was helpful that I had no SO and only my sister to have to deal with it, since my kids were all far away. And was this girl clever in breaking out, it was unstoppable.

As others said on here, only YOU can decide what you should do. It does appear to me that you are really TS or you wouldn't be having this problem.:2c:

[GypsyKaren]

Once you get a taste of how you should be living, you start to resent everything and yourself when you have to go back to the other way, I went through it too. I was lucky because I had Kat to hold onto and to help me through it, you're lucky because you have Sheila.

Karen

[Deborah Jane]

Thank you again for all your thoughts and support for Sheila and I :hugs:

I've just read through this again, but don't feel I should answer right now as I am hitting a real downer with things :sad:

[Lisa Golightly]

My advice stop thinking about things... Head on out with Sheila and sniff the air. Spend a week or three away from this place and just live.

Lisa x

[Veronica_Jean]

Sheila and Debs,

I wanted to echo some of what has been said and add a little of my own. I know the difficulty of going back and forth as I am in between now. What keeps me sane at this point is I am in transition and know I am moving toward a time where I can be complete.

Many years ago I was caught cross dressing by my Father-In-Law and my wife was quite unhappy. I sought a therapist which was a psychaitrist. We went through a lot of different things and eventually he came to the determination that I was a compulsive cross dresser. Since I am in transition now, I think that was not quite true.

Many of us have gone through the "ultra male" route (the retired Special Forces Officer in an anti-terrorist group comes to mind) and in the end found we have no choice but to become a whole person and transition. Although it would be nice to think that time period was an expression of our true selves, in the end it is not.

Collecting clothing and such, then purging them all, then collecting them again seemed to be a cycle for me as I tried to deny and become the male that I simply am not. Moodiness was a sign and once I recall my so telling me "go put on a skirt! I am tired of dealing with your attitude!". I did and felt much calmer and better as a result.

Of course you are unique and with the help of a gender therapist can find comfort and peace. None of us transition because it is glamorous, sexy or fun. We do it to find inner peace and feeling comfortable in our own skin. I once read that being trans is a difficult fight. It is the only fight we can win only by giving up, giving in and accepting that we are what we have always known.

I wish you both all the best. In the end Debs, you have to feel comfortable with yourself or the suicide feeling will just keep returning. You cannot hide, or escape from yourself..

:hugs::love:

Veronica

[Sheila]

thanks to all who have replied in here, and those who have PM'd both Debs and myself.

You have all give us much to discuss and for Debs herself much to ponder on.
We managed to have a good day yesterday, and for a good part of it, forget the angst and just enjoy our self as a couple :), however this morning saw the return of tetchiness and she was looking for a fight :brolleyes:, I wasn't gonna bite, but she pushed and pushed ......... in the end she asked me to be honest and to tell her what I was feeling .......... so I did, but as gently as I could with brutal honesty :straightface:, upshot is that she went and booked an appointment to go see her GP, and has one for to morrow morning, I am going with her, we will do this together as much as we can ... plus if she goes in on her own we both know she will just use her bad back as the reason for the visit :brolleyes:. There are things that have been said over the weekend and that have happened that makes me glad that she did this off her own bat, without me having to make the appointment and drag her along.

We went out after the booking was made and really talked, probably for the first time in over a week without it being anything other than honest without any defensiveness on her part or pushing her on mine. It is good to be back on the same page :)

[Sheila]

We went to the Dr's this morning and Debs is being fast tracked to a psychologist, we should hear within a fortnight and if not we have to get back to the GP :)

Debs feels calmer having taken that first step she said after we came out, she said "I feel as if I am on the right road now", we are aware it will be a long one and don't know what the full final outcome will be, but we are at least not standing still anymore :)

[NiCo]

I'm so glad things have went good for you both, lets hope they see her asap! :hugs:

I hope this makes her feel 100 times better, at least she'll have that big weight and all the pressure off her shoulders now...and she has you to support her! That's awesome!

[melissaK]

This is an emotionally powerful thread. It seems all of us see some of ourself in Debs' and Sheila's story.

We are all sisters on the same path . . . some ahead, some just starting, some finding a good stopping spot along the way. The beginners shouting to those ahead for help across the difficult stretches, and those further along shouting back advice. But the path still belongs to each of us, and each of us must make our way one step at a time.

So perhaps a "cheer" to us all - and to Debs and Sheila - all of us sisters upon the path.

hugs,
'lissa

[Stlalice]

Fear of the unknown and of other peoples reaction to your transition holds many folks back. And the pressure and angst build like a pressure cooker with no safety valve until something gives. There comes a point when you can no longer lie to yourself and avoid the issue. The choice often comes down to transition or die - in an emotional/spiritual sense if not the literal one. I'm glad to hear that Debs will be seeing a therapist as this will help her work out the fear and pain she is feeling - there is no rule that says you have to transition - some do and some don't - there is no right/wrong answer as each of us must choose the path that best suits their needs. There is an at times rough road ahead of you both - hang in there and talk to us at need. It might be that the Safe Haven area would be a place for Debs to ask questions and work out her feelings - I'll talk to either or both of you via PM if you wish... :hugs:

[laurab323]

This topic really hits home with most of us.... I went through the "I am a CD" initially and when the reality hit I was TS it was like a bomb.

I was a part of Tri Ess and went to monthly meetings, but I never felt like I quite fit in. What I discovered was there are a LOT more TS girls out there that are held back by their SO's. They are ticking time bombs waiting to go off years down the road and destroy their marriages later as opposed to sooner.

Most SO's feel they can control how far "Johnny" goes down the path. There is the motto of "respect whatever freedom your wife is comfortable with". Although this mentality may be very functional with CD's it would appear to be counterproductive for TS's because at some point its going to boil over. All that gets controlled is how slowly or quickly it happens.

For me it hit one night lying in bed that this is who I am. I spent 5 hours sobbing on my bathroom floor. This is not an easy life, but knowing who Debs is and being honest beats building a house that is destined to fail years later.

Good luck on your journey, I wish nothing but the best for both of you : )

[Sharon]

......

Debs feels calmer having taken that first step she said after we came out, she said "I feel as if I am on the right road now", we are aware it will be a long one and don't know what the full final outcome will be, but we are at least not standing still anymore :)

Very cool, Sheila, and I am so happy for Debs that she is starting on the road to really finding out who she is. It can be a hell of a road to travel, but when you figure out the right directions it makes it all so much easier and clearer to get where you need to go. :hugs:

[Deborah Jane]

Reading through this thread has made me think about many things, some good, some not so good.
I've spent most of my life going through cycles which invariably finish up with me becoming very self destructive and pushing people away from me.

Is being TS the reason?.....Who knows?

Maybe i'm just a very unpleasant person to know once people get to really know me, once they know the real me!!!!
I admit my life feels completely wrong, whatever I am or i'm meant to be, it seems very unlikely i'll ever make it through!!

I hope some others here have gained benefits from reading the replies in this thread, I know I have, I also know that the realisations it gave me have come too late in my life to make a real differance to who and what I am.

[robyn1114]

I know you how feel Debs, I've spent my entire life struggling with you I am, fighting between the alpha male I pretend to be and the woman I wish I was. I too have bad mood swings and find it very difficult to talk about, I know it drives my wife insane.
I grew up in an emotionally cold family that didn't share their feelings openly, so I never really learned how to share them with others, that mixed with my gender confusion makes me a very difficult person to live with, just ask my wife:lol: .
It sounds like you guys have a good line of communication, which is probably the best thing for both of you at the moment.

[Sheila]

Just to keep you all updated ............ Debs has her first appointment with the peeps who will send us on our first leg of the professional journey .......... Date is 1st of Oct, so not long to wait :)

[trisha59]

This journey will be a long one, but I cannot think of any two people that are more ready to take this ride. Take advantage of all the opportunities to learn about yourselves and above all keep :)

[BreenaDion]

sheila read the book i found online. sorry cant offer much advice but being in turmoil best thing you can do is ( be there ) cause the switches are very destructive. Thats where I am now and its mind boggling how bad it can get.

So You Want to be a T-Girl A Realistic Guide to a Transitional Journey.

That might help an might not, you both should read it if it apllies.

With Warmest Fealings Breena:love:

[Di]

Just to keep you all updated ............ Debs has her first appointment with the peeps who will send us on our first leg of the professional journey .......... Date is 1st of Oct, so not long to wait :)
Wonderful news you two!!!

[Kayla Shadows]

I was happyto read that you got a date.That is wonderful news.


This is an emotionally powerful thread..

very


This topic really hits home with most of us.... I went through the "I am a CD" initially and when the reality hit I was TS it was like a bomb.


It hits home too well..Im a cd,to boom!

Fear can be very powerful.Its a unknown road and its frightening.You may not even want to talk about it because you might find yourself on your way and it scares you to death.I know it was very frustrating to be around me.I just couldn't control myself.With so many other things going through my head it was total madness.Im so sorry for that though.After I found myself alone it was still difficult for a while.I think I could seriously say that I think I cried every day for months.Just so much going through my mind with everything you can think of that was happening...This brings back such horror.It really does.

[TGMarla]

Man, reading through all this makes me think (again) "There but for the grace of God go I." My only advantage, if you can call it that, is that I made a decision by which I intend to live. I am not going to transition, despite the fact that I feel strongly and deeply that I should be female. But I have given my life to others, most notably my wife. I love her, and I am committed to her. I have decided to be her husband. I am my brother's brother, my mother's son, and my sister's brother. This is my commitment, and I have made the mental decision to abide by it. But inside, the struggle continues, and I have accepted that the struggle will always be there. Most times, I am able to simply ignore it. Other days, it just gnaws at me relentlessly. But these days will happen. It has not managed to change my decisions, and at present, I still intend to abide by them.

Good luck to you both, Deb and Sheila. You are very dear to us all here, and we will stand by you as you move forward. Just know that here there is understanding. Here you do not need to explain yourself. Here you are embraced. And here you can come for solace.

[Sheila]

for those of you who have given us input, a huge thanks, you have all helped tremendously.

Tomorrow 1st Oct at 10.45 we will have our first appointment, with all the help you have given us, she has been more settled and we have managed tp get out a lot at night and the biggie was yesterday, so we go there with a lot of positives as well as the negatives, giving a more balanced picture, but most importantly she feels she/we are on the right road.

Thanks again all :hugs:

[Stephenie]

Trying to be the alpha male when you aren't sure how can lead to excess. I know that I have seen it in myself and the more I feel female the harder it is to be the Alpha male with out the mod swings. I know it must be hard for you Sheila, but I still envy Debs for having someone like you who cares and accepts her. Might try what my wife did once when I was being an alpha male to hard, She dumped a bottle ketsup out over my head. Kind of took the wind out of my sails.

[NiCo]

Good luck! :D

[MJ]

are the moods a normal part of this internal struggle while you try to balance the dual you that you have had to live for so long before you reach some final sort of decision ……… and how do you cope with them ? and how do the SO’s and family cope ?

i struggle for many years in the end i pushed everyone away.
today i still chose to live a quite life i feel if i don't let anyone in i can't get hurt. and i won't hurt anyone else.
i don't cope with them. and i have no family anymore there choice.

to be honest i tend to hit the self destruct button get depressed and that leads to eating more in turn upsets me cause I'm fat or might start smoking again. or wish i had a gun ...one bullet is all i need. mostly i cry a lot.getting angry is my way to push those i love away. if i can't deal with it then i don't need help

i would not wish this trans stuff on anyone but why me? but there again i can justify anything to make it better

[Deborah Jane]

Thanks everyone who came in here giving both Sheila and I support and advice :hugs:

At 10.45 this morning I go to see a therapist, which in turn could help me decide the direction my lifes path takes me from here on in. I know it will be an exciting and also very scary journey if I go in the direction i'm heading in right now. I also know if I don't at least try to make the journey and remain on the path i've been on all my life, then potentially my self destructiveness could destroy everything I already have.

Whichever way I go from here, I know I'll always have Sheila by my side showing me all the love and support she always has and for that reason, any final decisions I make will only be made with Sheila and will be in the best interests of both us.

I'll keep you all updated as things progress and thanks again for all the support :hugs: Debs

[trisha59]

I hope you find the answers you are looking for

[Ann D Bluebird]

Wishing you all the best in your thoughts and talks about your future path Debs :hugs: You have been on a rocky road to this point it seems. Take care and may your future bring you peace and fulfillment...personally and with Sheila :hugs:

[Sheila]

sorry neither of us got in here yesterday to let you all know how we got on with the therapist yesterday, but the day did not go as planned from start to finish :doh: when I got home from taking my young un to school I had a call from the Doctors, ( I was on the list for minor surgery for removal of a growth on the middle finger of my right hand), they had had a cancellation for that day and wondered if I could take it, so Debs went for her therapy assessment session at 10.45 am and we got out of that at 12.15 pm, then I was in minor surgery at 1.25 pm we got out of that at 2 pm and then had some other stuff to sort ........... by the time we had tea we were both emotionally whacked and neither of us were in any state to deal with it all over again.

Deb's session was emotionally draining and pat of it was wasted in the fact that they did not know, that I knew why we were there, so they talked round the self harm and anger issues .............. eventually I managed in a break to say "now shall we tell them why we are really here" .......... and from there on it went sort of okay ......... Debs had dealt with the Dr assessor the last time she went and did not like her then and this time was no different ......... to be honest on a couple of times I wanted to slap her for the way she was speaking to her .......... she said on a couple of times "well if you want to do Debbie, why don't u just go out the door as Debbie" :Angry3::Angry3:

Eventually after about 40 more mins, we were asked to leave the room while her and her colleague had a discussion ........ on our return they have decided to refer Debs to the team psychologist for her gender issues, have suggested another group and recommended that she contacts them to deal with the anger issues surrounding the rape by her friends step dad at 13.She has put her on a mild anti-d and we return to see her on the 26th of Oct

[MJ]

i was 13 too when i had to deal with that. i don't talk about it much. to this very day i don't go out after dusk unless it's with someone.

i wish you well debs this won't be easy sis :hugs: all the best

[pamela_a]

Thanks for the update Shelia. it's good to hear at least Debs got the referral. It sounds like even though the Dr. and Debs didn't get along well she recognized the need for Debs to work with the psychologist.


My best to both of you and keep us posted.

-Pam-

[Seagull]

I am really glad that the two of you have begun on the road to resolution, hopefully. I and my spouse have been travelling a similar path and I will say while it will not be easy It will be worth it. *hugs* to you both and I will keep you guys in my prayers.

[Deborah Jane]

This post is written in thanks to Sheila for all the crap I have put her through while trying to understand and come to terms with myself and the issues I/we are facing together!

I have put Sheila through hell trying to sort out my issues regarding whether or not I am TS and if so, to what degree.
She has watched me tear myself apart as I went through vicious mood swings as I tried to figure out what and who I am, all the time doing her best to support me and be there for me. She has seen my anger explode for no apparent reason, yet still she has stood by me and shown her support as she tried to calm me down.

This is her choice, through her love for me and mine for her. At any time she could have just walked away, but instead Sheila has always chosen to stay and help me through what is turning out to be one of the toughest times of my life, which in turn has become one of the toughest times of her life also.

There are not enough words I can use to show Sheila how much she really means to me and how much her being here has helped me. Without her support there is no telling how far I would have come on this journey, or even if I would have got as far as I have. There is still a long way to go, I pray that both Sheila and I can complete the journey together and hopefully share in the happiness we both hope is there at the journeys end.
About the only thing I can say at the moment is......

Thank you Sheila, I love you more than life itself, may we always be together in body and soul :love:

[Sandra]

Debs sweetie you know my feelings :)

Yep we all know it's gonna be hard but together you will get through it :bh:

[Sheila]

Debs hun, we have come through another 24 hour nightmare, but we have come through it together. ........ I love you babes, and if there was anyway in the world cutting off my right arm would save you one moment of internal pain and anguish I would do it in a heart beat ......... another 16 days and we have your 2nd appointment, something to look forward too :)

[Sheila]

well we turned up for Deb's second appointment today only to be informed it had been re-scheduled till next Monday :Angry3::Angry3:, am assuming it has got lost in the postal strike we are having over here, but knowing that they could have phoned us :Angry3::Angry3:

She spent most of Sunday night/Monday morning up till about 5 am stewing over things, unfortunately I was poorly and could not keep awake sop she had to do it all on her own, she was a bit down this morning but we managed to work through it this aft and had a good evening :)

[Felix]

Sorry to hear that you two it sucks big time :Angry3: coz I know what this means to you both :hugs: Not too long to wait though till Monday although it probably feels like forever. Thinking about ya both and ya both know where I am if ya wanna chat xx Felix :hugs: