What should or shouldn't I say?

[Amy]

Hi, It's been a couple of years since I posted here. But I decided to ask a question. This is mostly for G-girls but others can respond too.

First I should explain the situation a little. I haven't crossdressed in a long time well over a year. But of course I still get the urge to and it's something I'm just going to have to live with. Anyways I told my girl friend about it and that it's still something I struggle with from time to time.

We've discussed it a few times since but every time it's been pretty much a one way conversation me talking and her listening. She never asks anything or says much at al and I can kind of tell it makes her uncomfortable when I bring it up so I've kind of not and if it's bothering me I just kind of keep it to myself. Or if I do say anything I just use vague generalities like "I'm struggling with IT again." But part of the reason I told her was so I'd have some one to talk to about it.

So my question is do try to get more specific with her about what I'm going threw or do I just drop it?

[Miranda09]

A tough question Amy. As I'm not a GG either, I can't relate with what your gf might be going thru, but I think when it comes right down to it, communication is the only way. It may take a long time for her to fully understand this side of your persona, but be patient. If you both are really in love with who you are, then things should work themselves out. Again, patience and communication is key. Maybe invite her to visit this site. Might help. :)

[Rachel Morley]

I'm not a GG either, but what do you want her to say? Maybe she's just being a good listener? If you tell you are having problems with "it" again and then you start to talk, maybe she just listens because she thinks you need to "get it off your chest". Being a good listener is what therapists do. They get you to talk about what you're feeling so that you kinda come to a solution yourself. Maybe she's doing that? :strugglin:

Do you ever ask her a direct question or ask her for her opinion on something that's bothering you? ... or do you just keep talking about how you feel? Perhaps you could ask her in a non confrontational way to share her thoughts about it (good and bad) and whatever she says, especially if it's bad, act very calm and relaxed and try to show empathy for what she's feeling. Maybe then she'll reciprocate. :2c: Good luck.

[Holly]

I have to agree with Rachel. I think you need to say to her, "I really woud like to know how you feel about this. If you would rather not talk about it right now, I can understand that, but if/when you are, would you please let me know? I value your viewpoint." Or words to that effect :D.

[docrobbysherry]

I have to agree with Rachel. I think you need to say to her, "I really woud like to know how you feel about this. If you would rather not talk about it right now, I can understand that, but if/when you are, would you please let me know? I value your viewpoint." Or words to that effect :D.

Unless there's a GG that can read your GF's mind, this may be your best next step!:straightface:

[Elsa Larson]

A woman's reaction to learning of her partner's gender issues can be anywhere.
If she's judgemental or afraid of anything different, you would have had an immediate negative response.
If she's always fantasized about having her man dress up for her, you would have gotten an immediate positive response.
SO she's somewhere in the middle. Not happy about it, but not repulsed by it.

A big part of her response depends on how you describe your crossdressing. And your description depends on how you feel about it. Is your crossdressing good, bad or morally neutral? Is your crossdressing an erotic experience, or simply a way to express your inner femininity?

Keep talking to her about your relationship, your feelings for her and your own inner turmoil. And be the best man you can be !

* * * * * * *

My recommendation is to tell BEFORE you start dating.

I recently returned to the dating scene. In the last 5 weeks, I outed myself to 4 local women I met on a dating site.

The first confided that she has some "off-normal" things of her own. We've danced at a singles dance and had a lunch date since then. We're still talking.
I had a great dinner date with the second woman two weeks ago. We talked a lot about it during dinner. She had done some research on her own. We're still talking.
I will meet the 3rd for dinner this week. She confided that she thought I might be offended if she joked about letting me wear her clothes.
I expect to have lunch with the 4th within the next month.

(I've also dated women who met me while I was crossdressed.)

[KellyV GG]

Hi...don't know if I can be of too much help since I m pretty new to all of this. But...it seems to me that by saying things like "I'm struggling with IT again" puts it out there as a horrible problem to be dealt with as opposed to something that is a part of you and since all parts of you are who you are, it's not a bad thing. Even tho I am totally accepting of my BF's CDing...and I wish he wanted to talk about it, he really doesn't or doesn't know how to..it's something that is very difficult to process and is very intimidating and incredibly hard to understand because there are so many unknowns. So, I think, if you present it as some horrible demon you are struggling with, imagine what she thinks. Somehow, I think, it would be helpful to let her see the positive aspects, keep it as light as possible and ease her into it. Anyone is going to be uncomfortable dealing with anything that is a negative and an unkown. You obviously can't just drop it because it's a part of you and it's not going to go away and she deserves your honesty as much as you deserve the right to be completely who you are with your partner.

Anyway...don't know how you do that but I think in order to get to the place where you can talk about your own feelings about it on a deeper level it might help her ability to accept and understand if it's not presented as a problem, look for the positives within yourself and share those parts with her first, and that might help. Good luck...Kelly

[vivian fair]

Untill you change your mind about crossdressing(ie,IT) I don't see how you can change her mind. Tell her when dressed your a better person and would enjoy proving it to her. She will never embrace something that you yourself protray as (it),(bad),(help me get over it)!

[Christina Horton]

Both Rachel & KellyV GG are right. You need to talk to her and tell her that you need to talk and get her response to it. Plus you might have the prob that she may nit like it and would not want to see or be a part of your dressing. But by the sound of it it's more likely to be she is ok but not wanting to participate in your dressing. Many girls here have that arrangement with there SOs and are fine . You may be surprised to find that she was " just listening and giving you time to fully come out. YNK she may be very fine with and love to help you ,but just wants "YOU" to be ready for it.

My advice is to sit her down and tell her what your feeling and the fact you need her to tell you how she feels to. anything other than that you'll never know. Good luck hun.

[tommi]

I agree you need to talk about but trying a different approach is important.
Counciling never hurts for yourself I se mine once a month just to keep me
tuned up with myself if nothing else.
Its good to talk with someone who will just help get you thru and you gf may
not know what she should say.
Goodluck

[Mandyflcd]

You could always just ask her if she even wants to hear about it. She may be silent because she doesn't want to acknowledge it at all. If that is the case then you'll have to find someone else to discuss things with and just never bring it up to her again.

[Amy]

Thanks for all the advise. I guess most of all I'd like to just be completely honest and upfront with her about it but some times I worry that I can't fully explain it to her. and on the other hand it's not something I'm currently doing just thoughts so I wonder if I should even concern her with it.

[Sarah Doepner]

Amy,
It's unfortunate but none of us can read minds. I'm still attempting to explain that to my wife of 35 years. Two way Communication is still difficult but it is the best option we have if we want to keep our world running and happy. As others are saying, you must be specific and you need feedback. If either part of the dialog is missing on a regular basis there are potential problems that will only get worse as time goes by. If you can have a real dialog working it makes it much easier to find out what decisions are being made based on information and which ones are being made based on emotion (both are valid by the way).
It sounds like you may be right in assuming she is somewhat uncomfortable with your crossdressing. The suggestion to have her take a look at this site is a good one. She would be able to get a lot of answers and peer a little way into the future and decide if it really all that bad of a place to be.

[Ralph]

OK, two things:

MOST IMPORTANT - make sure that the elephant in the room doesn't interfere with your other conversations. Don't make your only topic the urge to crossdress... talk about whatever you always used to talk about, to make it clear that nothing has changed. In fact, before you bring the subject up again, make it all about her for a while so she knows she's still the center of your world.

When you do feel ready to bring it up - she's in a good mood, you've been having some good talks about other stuff lately, etc. - maybe ask her, "Would it bother you if I wore [fill in the blank with something that would help you relax] sometimes?" The "sometimes" is important, to show that she's not going to have to get used to a whole new you all at once.

Or another approach: "The reason I brought up that other stuff is, I want to find out how you feel about it, if it bothers you... sometimes I'd like to get dressed up, but I want to know what's OK with you before I do anything."

[Allsteamedup]

You say you have a discussion (which is an exchange of views) and then say you do all the talking!
It would be helpful if you could say to your girlfriend exactly where your femme and she fit. No girlfriend likes to hear that there is someone else in the relationship.
It would also be helpful if you could be more confident about this. As someone has already said, if you present it as a problem what on earth is she supposed to think? She doesn't have the experience to advise you!
Also make it clear whether this is a sexual thing. Young women are concerned about this aspect, too.
And remember that as a man you are judged more by what you do than what you say. If she had some indication as to how big a thing this is in your life and where the feelings come from she might feel she could pass a meaningful comment.
You could always grasp the nettle and ask what she thinks of cding in general remembering that any silences are more likely to mean that she would not wish to be negative for fear of hurting your feelings. That does not mean that she is non-accepting.Good luck.

[Amy]

To be honest I did present it as a negative. Just because well for me I haven't had a lot of possitive experiences with it and if I could stop the urges I'd be glad to be rid of them. But that's me, that's also why I haven't posted here in a few years but I thought that on this it might be good to get some advise. it's not like she hasn't talked at all I think in general I have a pretty good understanding of how she feels about it. She had pretty much no preconcieved ideas about it when I first told her cause she'd in her words "didn't know what to think about it." She thinks its odd but said it could have been something a lot worse and that it is something I struggle with and she is willing to listen and not judge but I don't think she'd be okay with me starting up again which I don't really have plans to anyways so that's good. I guess I just wish I could feel more comfortable discussing it with her.

[docrobbysherry]

To be honest I did present it as a negative. Just because well for me I haven't had a lot of possitive experiences with it and if I could stop the urges I'd be glad to be rid of them. But that's me, that's also why I haven't posted here in a few years but I thought that on this it might be good to get some advise. it's not like she hasn't talked at all I think in general I have a pretty good understanding of how she feels about it. She had pretty much no preconcieved ideas about it when I first told her cause she'd in her words "didn't know what to think about it." She thinks its odd but said it could have been something a lot worse and that it is something I struggle with and she is willing to listen and not judge but I don't think she'd be okay with me starting up again which I don't really have plans to anyways so that's good. I guess I just wish I could feel more comfortable discussing it with her.

Sounds like u need to convince yourself that CDing is OK first!:brolleyes:

( Said the pot, calling the kettle, "Black"!):eek:

[DemonicDaughter]

Thanks for all the advise. I guess most of all I'd like to just be completely honest and upfront with her about it but some times I worry that I can't fully explain it to her. and on the other hand it's not something I'm currently doing just thoughts so I wonder if I should even concern her with it.

There are some really amazing books out there written by partners of CDers like yourself. If you don't know how to explain it, let others help you in that area. Either buy the books and read them, paraphrase, let her read them or both.

There's also the option of introducing her to this site where she can talk to other GGs about it.


To be honest I did present it as a negative. Just because well for me I haven't had a lot of possitive experiences with it and if I could stop the urges I'd be glad to be rid of them. But that's me, that's also why I haven't posted here in a few years but I thought that on this it might be good to get some advise. it's not like she hasn't talked at all I think in general I have a pretty good understanding of how she feels about it. She had pretty much no preconcieved ideas about it when I first told her cause she'd in her words "didn't know what to think about it." She thinks its odd but said it could have been something a lot worse and that it is something I struggle with and she is willing to listen and not judge but I don't think she'd be okay with me starting up again which I don't really have plans to anyways so that's good. I guess I just wish I could feel more comfortable discussing it with her.

The worse thing that us humans tend to do in relationships is assume that a single statement holds for a lifetime. Bad idea. What was my favorite color in my teens is not true now nor will my current favorite color be the same when I get older.

That's life and its fluid.

So are humans.

What you need to do is NOT assume you know for absolute unless she tells you directly. Just ask! What's the worst that could happen? She tells you she doesn't want to talk about it? Well you hardly are now anyhow.

Simply let her know there is no subject taboo with you regarding it and let her voice her fears, thoughts, opinions and/or relief.

Some times we need to stop talking and start listening. Let HER tell you how SHE feels!

Best of luck! :hugs:

[Nikki A.]

Talk to her. This is a part of you and if you try to suppress it, it will manifest itself in other ways. Stress, resentment or other behaviors that are more harmful. If she can not deal with it now, it will not get better later and will cause problems down the road.
I was at your stage, more fetish and occasional hoping that someday it'll go away. 20+ years ago there was no internet or groups such as this. I told her what I understood about myself, we talked and I told her that if it was a dealbreaker I understood. We married and had almost 20 years together. At first no problems, but over the years she figured these feelings would go away, well they did not and as I understood more about myself things headed downhill but she did realize that it was a stress release for me and as long as it was in the house, when the kids were in school and she was in an acceptable mood I could.
What bothered her? 1 I did this because she did not satisfy me, I was becoming the other woman. If there was another woman she could "fight" that. 2 Was she losing her husband, she didn't want to live a lesbian relationship. did I want to transition (no I do not).
Again talk to her, find out what she is thinking and what her fears are or insecurities. Better now than down the road.

[NicoleScott]

I agree with those who think you should tell her that you need to have a serious two-way discussion about your cd-ing. It's important that you both understand what cd-ing means to you, and you both need to know her terms of acceptance (or not). And I agree that it should be at a time when she's ready to discuss it. If the discussion never happens, I suspect that the cd-ing will go on in secret, and that will be her fault.

[JulieC]

To be honest I did present it as a negative. Just because well for me I haven't had a lot of positive experiences with it and if I could stop the urges I'd be glad to be rid of them.

So would a lot of us. Not all of us :) But a lot of us probably would. Our society makes crossdressing a net negative for most people.

For me, in your situation, I'd probably be leaning towards breaking up with her. Yes, even if I loved her in every respect, I'd consider it. Reason? Simple. I'm a crossdresser. It's what I am. Repressing it is unhealthy. Stopping is impossible. Treating it as a negative makes me a negative. I instead choose to live a sane, healthy life. That might not include the woman I'm with, but some other woman.

When I told my now wife, it was after we'd been dating a few months. I was prepared to break up with her if her reaction was unaccepting. I didn't want to break up with her, but it was the right, sane thing to do if she was upset about it. I wasn't going to spend my life living a lie, and never putting on women's clothes again. I'm too female for that.

You have to judge for yourself.

But, I would feel her out on this subject more. Communicate clearly, and unequivocally. Make sure you know where she stands. If her stance is unaccepting, you can take a change for a while to see if you change her stance. Some women do.

Just make sure you're operating on what you know, not what you think.

And, start dressing again. You're just denying yourself, and hurting yourself and her in the process.

Major, major kudos to you by the way for bringing it up to her!!