relationships and crosdressing...tough choices

[Rebecca Jackson]

In an earlier post someone made the comment that oftentimes it comes down to making a choice between being in a relationship or CDing, and how difficult it was to be in that situation. And yes, I do realize that it is possible to find a supportive spouse or girlfriend, and that it’s easy to just say I should be open and honest with her about that and have faith that it will work out. But it’s not that easy. I’ve been slowly getting back into dating after having been divorced for about five years now, and I’m faced with that decision. I feel like I’m being pulled in two opposite directions. On the one hand I’m feeling a strong desire to get back into dressing, which I’ve been gradually doing over the past year. I’m excited about that and about being able to express this part of myself again. But on the other hand I’m tired of being alone (aside from being a single parent) and want to have someone special to share my life with. But it’s difficult think about the possibility of being rejected and losing someone I care about. I don’t want to open myself up again only to be hurt, again. I feel like I’ve come to a fork in the road and it’s time to make a decision. I know it doesn’t have to be a choice between one or the other, but realistically that’s what it will probably come down to. And I know it’s not healthy to suppress my feminine side in order to be in a relationship. I’m really struggling with this and don’t know what to do. As always, your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Rebecca

[mklinden2010]

Would someone please write a post about, "How to tell anybody about anything!" so we can get this sort of thing behind us?

Please?

There's no fork in the road here. Look at your picture. Brown looks OK on you. And, oh, by the way, you're the person in the picture - a crossdresser, for sure.

Fork in the road... Pulezzzz.

Print the picture, take it to the pub(s) and chat people up about crossdressing and see if you don't spark some interest.

Might take you a couple of tries, but if crossdressing is your only issue, it won't take that many.

I have met very few GG's who didn't find some aspect of crossdressing interesting. I have met a number who thought, "Ah, so that's why he's not taken!"

So, I dunno, maybe it's that you have a kid already, that some people don't like brown, that you think things are hopeless... I honestly doubt that it's "just" the crossdressing.

It would help, you know, if you were amazingly rich.

Have you tried that?

[Michelle2008]

Would someone please write a post about, "How to tell anybody about anything!" so we can get this sort of thing behind us?

Please?

There's no fork in the road here. Look at your picture. Brown looks OK on you. And, oh, by the way, you're the person in the picture - a crossdresser, for sure.

Fork in the road... Pulezzzz.

Print the picture, take it to the pub(s) and chat people up about crossdressing and see if you don't spark some interest.

Might take you a couple of tries, but if crossdressing is your only issue, it won't take that many.

I have met very few GG's who didn't find some aspect of crossdressing interesting. I have met a number who thought, "Ah, so that's why he's not taken!"

So, I dunno, maybe it's that you have a kid already, that some people don't like brown, that you think things are hopeless... I honestly doubt that it's "just" the crossdressing.

It would help, you know, if you were amazing rich.

Have you tried that?

I don't mean to rock the boat here but I realize you mean well but I think alittle compassion is in order for Rebecca and her situation. Not everyone is as confident as you seem to be in this area. I certainly can relate to Rebecca and would love to read supportive and constructive comments from the girls on this site.

I certainly don't have all the answers but telling someone to try being rich or attacking their possible insecurities as a way to "help" them is not helping at all in my opinion. Sorry...just how I feel.

Good luck Rebecca. I wish I could offer you advice but I have been single most of my adult life for many of the same issues that you seem to be struggling with.

Michelle

[Rebecca Jackson]

Would someone please write a post about, "How to tell anybody about anything!" so we can get this sort of thing behind us?

Please?

There's no fork in the road here. Look at your picture. Brown looks OK on you. And, oh, by the way, you're the person in the picture - a crossdresser, for sure.

Fork in the road... Pulezzzz.

Print the picture, take it to the pub(s) and chat people up about crossdressing and see if you don't spark some interest.

Might take you a couple of tries, but if crossdressing is your only issue, it won't take that many.

I have met very few GG's who didn't find some aspect of crossdressing interesting. I have met a number who thought, "Ah, so that's why he's not taken!"

So, I dunno, maybe it's that you have a kid already, that some people don't like brown, that you think things are hopeless... I honestly doubt that it's "just" the crossdressing.

It would help, you know, if you were amazing rich.

Have you tried that?


Well gosh Mary, thank you ever so much for your compassion and empathy and understanding. There are other things I might be tempted to say, but that wouldn't be very lady-like, and I don't want to lower myself to that level.

And thank you for you kind and supportive reply Michelle, it was much appreciated.

[AllieSF]

I appreciate your dilema. It is easy to say do this or that when one is already doing this and that. I do most of this and that, but that is me and my personality and even more so, my current, single, almost living at home alone situation. However, for another with less courage, experience, guts, or whatever it takes to be more comfortable, it can be a very major task to get out and do that (walk into a bar, restaurant, club or whatever to try and meet women). From what I have seen here, there appears to be maybe a 50/50 split among the CD's here who are comfortable enought to go out and those that are not. So your situation fits right into the middle of all this.

Since I am in the same boat as you (divorced and looking), I have decided to be myself and try to meet women while out. I meet a lot of people, some women, some that may be interesting to date, and none available or interested yet. It is hard enough to find the right person, let alone when we have this other side of us to deal with. I do agree that bringing it out to the other early in the relationship is best and should be done to avoid later future grief for all parties involved. However, I have not had a chance yet to test my ability to do that, meaning will I reveal or not when the time comes to fish or cut bait. Only time will tell on that one.

In your case, try to meet women wherever you can just to get your experience level back up to speed. If you start dating someone, keep testing their acceptance level with innocent and purposeful questions that touch on what we do, including the GLBT community, issues, etc. When you feel confident that this person will treat you fairly with your current secret, then tell her, directly or over time. Just realize, once out of your mouth, there is no taking it back. Also, I would be looking for a fun friend first versus a long term partner and be ready to move on when one is not working out. Good luck.

[Rebecca Jackson]

Sorry for posting this when Rhonda Jean already had a thread going on the same topic. I hadn't read the forums before I made my post.

[kellycan27]

It's hard,but not impossible. if you are honest and up front from the get-go it will lessen your chances of losing someone you "care" about. If you start to build a relationship while hiding certain facts, you may just be setting yourself up for the heartache of losing that person. Kind of a catch 22, I know,but is it better to gamble on whether that person will or will not accept you... by finding out after the fact? Or to start the relationship with their full knowledge?:2c:

[Rhonda Jean]

Were on EXACTLY the same page (in more ways than one)! Tell ya what... If I figure it out I'll pass you a note. You do the same???

Hugs,

Rhonda

[Rebecca Jackson]

It's hard,but not impossible. if you are honest and up front from the get-go it will lessen your chances of losing someone you "care" about. If you start to build a relationship while hiding certain facts, you may just be setting yourself up for the heartache of losing that person. Kind of a catch 22, I know,but is it better to gamble on whether that person will or will not accept you... by finding out after the fact? Or to start the relationship with their full knowledge?:2c:

You're right that a relationship that isn't built on honesty and good communication is more than likely doomed to fail. It's just hard to expose that part of myself to someone and risk being rejected. Guess it comes down to making the choice to risk being honest and open from the beginning.


Were on EXACTLY the same page (in more ways than one)! Tell ya what... If I figure it out I'll pass you a note. You do the same???

Hugs,

Rhonda

Deal! If only it were that simple.

Hugs,
Rebecca

[DemonicDaughter]

...It's just hard to expose that part of myself to someone and risk being rejected. Guess it comes down to making the choice to risk being honest and open from the beginning.

You know, that is very understandable. No one wants to feel rejected by someone they care for, especially when it comes to an important part of one's personality.

And if you think about it in the terms set in your original post then your options are:

1. Don't tell her and:
a) risk her finding out down the road and possibly sabotaging your relationship by not disclosing all of your personality.
b) feel alone anyhow because you can't share all of who you are with the person you love.
c) attempt to give it up and therefore not being who you are fully leaving your partner to feel you aren't as happy as when you first met.

2. Not dating or taking the chance and remaining alone for the rest of your life out of fear of rejection.

3. Take the chance and:
a) give yourself the chance to actually FIND love!
b) at least feel you are honestly being yourself and not compromising who you are for just so you don't feel alone.
c) find the confidence you need to make someone else feel just as comfortable with this and all your other quirks.

What I find funny is so many see cding as the "make or break" of a relationship when honestly there usually are far more important and deeper issues that determine such things.

[Angie G]

I'm very lucky to have the best of both worlds a loving wife that accepts what I do and even helps. I can't tell you to tell all or not I can just hope you find what your looking for Rebecca. I do know I could never give up the dressing or my wife.:hugs:
Angie

[Rebecca Jackson]

You know, that is very understandable. No one wants to feel rejected by someone they care for, especially when it comes to an important part of one's personality.

And if you think about it in the terms set in your original post then your options are:

1. Don't tell her and:
a) risk her finding out down the road and possibly sabotaging your relationship by not disclosing all of your personality.
b) feel alone anyhow because you can't share all of who you are with the person you love.
c) attempt to give it up and therefore not being who you are fully leaving your partner to feel you aren't as happy as when you first met.

2. Not dating or taking the chance and remaining alone for the rest of your life out of fear of rejection.

3. Take the chance and:
a) give yourself the chance to actually FIND love!
b) at least feel you are honestly being yourself and not compromising who you are for just so you don't feel alone.
c) find the confidence you need to make someone else feel just as comfortable with this and all your other quirks.

What I find funny is so many see cding as the "make or break" of a relationship when honestly there usually are far more important and deeper issues that determine such things.


You're right that I shouldn't assume it will be a "make or break" issue, and I agree that the more important aspects of a successful relationship are honesty and communication, which all point towards being honest up front and having faith that she'll see beyond the CDing. But it's one thing to discuss it on here where it's easy to see logical and reason. But real life isn't always so simple for me. And part of it is also that I'm still working on self-acceptance.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Rebecca

[renee k]

Hi Rebecca,

Allie and DD have great advise, I'm in the same boat with you and Rhonda. I've been in a new "dating" relationship for a couple of weeks now and we're learning about each other everyday we talk and our ideals about life are on the same page. I've been putting out little feelers here and there, testing the water if you will. So far so good. I have the same concerns as you do. I think if your honest and truthful in other aspects about yourself, you'll go a long way in developing trust and understanding. The one thing that sort of amazes me about GG's is their willingness to talk about things that we would be reserved about, and would never bring up with another guy. So, take that lead and see where it goes.

Renee

[kellycan27]

You're right that a relationship that isn't built on honesty and good communication is more than likely doomed to fail. It's just hard to expose that part of myself to someone and risk being rejected. Guess it comes down to making the choice to risk being honest and open from the beginning.

I never said it was going to be easy....lol You'll be much happier in the long run. Rejection sucks! I think it would be easier to talk before a relationship gets started..like in the initial attraction phase.
:hugs:
Kel

[Sammy777]

It is something I would leave out of the conversation on the first date. lol
But again, it all depends on how open [and out] you are in life [family, friends, ect] , how often you do it, are you a homebody or out n about as Rebecca. Are you happy with it and yourself?

It a lot to think about, but as others have said, it is better to get it out of the way sooner then later.
The sooner you do it the less time you [and her] have time to develop feelings for each other, so if it does go sour neither of you are really losing anything more then a date.

I think the most important things to "bring to the table" from the start is your kid. I think springing a "oh I have a kid - and they live with me, didn't I tell you?" is far worse then saying you enjoy both sides of your gender a bit more then the avg fellow. lol

Be sure of yourself, be happy, and just let it go and see what happens.
But remember! Sitting here on your ass isn't gonna get you a new girlfriend, lol, so get out there. :D

[TNRobin]

I'm extremely lucky. I got out of crossdressing and had been out of it for a number of years to include the time that I spent in a failed marriage. The woman that I'm dating now and have been for about a year and a half is not only accepting of it, but we go shopping together and she LOVES it. She has a boyfriend and a shopping buddy, and as she puts it she has a barbie doll (though I don't have that kind of figure) that she can play dress up with.

Advice is always easy to give, and hard to make work, but I'll try nonetheless.

Once you've had a few dates with a woman bring it up subtely, something like picking up a magazine or catalog at her place and pointing to an outfit that you think is really cute, or maybe commenting on what another woman is wearing and how nice it might look on her, and oh by the way, "don't you think that I'd look cute in that" (said in a seemingly joking manner) and see what she says and how she reacts.

The thing is, that I can't imagine anymore not being able to crossdress and if I anything did happen that put an end to my relationship I wouldn't be at all happy in another relationship where I couldn't be myself.

And with Halloween coming up you've got the perfect chance to suggest a "unique" costume.:heehee:

Sorry that I don't have the magical answer, but hopefully at least something there will help you a little bit.

[Sarah5]

Hi Rebecca, you just have to be honest with whoever you are with, if you think the relationship is moving towards something long term. When I was dating my wife I told her about my crossdressing. I was nervous as I had never shared that with anyone before but I knew inside she would be accepting of it.

I wan't sure if she would be a willing partner and activly help me with it but she did and it wa and is wonderful to be able to be so open with her about a side of me that I must enjoy and explore.

There are many times when we are alone she will actually ask me to dress up for her and it is something special we share as a couple. Don't be afrais to be open to who you love about this side of you.

It is a part of you, it is who you are, are if that girl truly loves you then she will be accepting of that side of you and not think of you any less. In fact, if your lucky she will not only accept but will embreace it as my wife does.

Good luck and enjoy.


Sarah

[joann426]

rebecca i been married for 34 years and i told my wife 10 years ago about my cding and she never likeed itat all and we went to counseling to i thought we were through but we are just there in the sane house together i wear what i want and we get along just fine plus she bought me some new tops i am not happy or she isnt happy either we just tollerate each outher

[Misty is Kindafem]

Allie has the right idea.

Meet someone when you're dressed. I'm not talking about just the tranny scene either. There are definitely females out there who are looking specifically for a CD, but they may be a little quirkier than what you're looking for.

Go out with some Tgirls and chat up the waitress or the girl sitting next to you at the bar. You're not looking to get lucky, you're just trying to meet different girls and get comfortable talking to them while dressed. Tell everyone you're single and ready to mingle while you're out. Flirt, have fun, be charming and witty and I can guarantee that you will eventually meet a straight girl who gets a real kick out of you.

C'mon girlfriend, let's be serious, you KNOW how to talk to women. Most of us are very special in that regard, if you just think about it and relax, you know exactly what to do.

Fear is a prison and I share a cell with you on some level, but we are here to empower each other.

Someday maybe we'll both be as fabulous as Kellycan ;-)

-Misty

[LanaFairmaiden]

There are definitely females out there who are looking specifically for a CD, but they may be a little quirkier than what you're looking for.

Fear is a prison and I share a cell with you on some level, but we are here to empower each other.


Misty, excellent and Allie too.

As for the quirkier? Well, I'm a little eccentric myself. And I've run across a few of those quirky girls at certain other discussion forum sites.

I'm still busy coming out. My key people know as do the people who I run into on the street. I've got things to do before I'm ready to start looking for a love life again. When I am ready to start, though, I'll be following Misty's advice. I mean, I'm an interesting, funny person and the right woman is out there. I should be flirting with her.

[RobynP]

I feel like I’m being pulled in two opposite directions. On the one hand I’m feeling a strong desire to get back into dressing, which I’ve been gradually doing over the past year. I’m excited about that and about being able to express this part of myself again. But on the other hand I’m tired of being alone (aside from being a single parent) and want to have someone special to share my life with. But it’s difficult think about the possibility of being rejected and losing someone I care about. I don’t want to open myself up again only to be hurt, again.

Rebecca,

If you are working on your self-acceptance, stay out of the dating pool until you are ready...
If you don't want to open yourself up in order to avoid any hurt, you will never be able to fully love someone...
If you fear rejection, you will will not be able to discern what you really need.
Taking this fear into a relationship, you will not be able to adequately express your own "deal-breakers"...


There are a LOT of women out there. There are a LOT of beautiful women out there! Enjoy the experience of finding that one special person by not allowing yourself to be pulled in two different directions...

When you encounter rejection, consider it a minor course correction on your life's journey and continue on!

Robyn P.

[Miranda09]

I know exactly how you're feeling Rebecca. I've been divorced for about 17 years now and have been in and out of a few relationships, the last being a couple of years ago. It does get lonley,and although I love my CDing and expressing my feminine side, I'd gladly give that up for a relationship with a woman. I would like to think that communication is the key and that we're mature enough to discuss just about anything. I would like to think that maybe this is a topic that we could have fun with, if approached in the rigt manor. I don't know at this point how I would approach a topic like this with a potential SO, but I do know I would make sure to respect her the same way she respects me and be open and honest. Let's face it..for those of us single, it's NOT easy to spark a new relationship. :)

[Nadia-Maria]

Rebecca,

From my experience and that of friends in your situation, in your case you have seriously to consider dating a GG yet not living together. Having each their home is a very good solution.
Of course your SO will know almost all about your crossdressing, yet she will not be obliged to face it on an everyday basis.

You have to know that, even with a somewhat accepting GG , a crossdresser may feel trapped between opposite needs (almost irreconciliable).

Moreover only a minority of GGs are really wholly CD accepting without any impact on the relationship. If you are obliged to choose a GG from the first point of view of her acceptance of your CDing, you are at risk she is not the best woman for you, because in reality other qualities matter much more as for a spouse than just full CDing acceptance.

[Bev06 GG]

And part of it is also that I'm still working on self-acceptance.


Rebecca
Hi Rebecca,
that last sentence strikes a cord. If your still working on self acceptance then its probably not the right time to seek if from someone else. Self belief is attractive but lack of it can often have the opposite desired effect and potential partners wont find that a particularly attractive attribute.
Take care
bev

[Rebecca Jackson]

Hi Rebecca,
that last sentence strikes a cord. If your still working on self acceptance then its probably not the right time to seek if from someone else. Self belief is attractive but lack of it can often have the opposite desired effect and potential partners wont find that a particularly attractive attribute.
Take care
bev

You're right, and I thought a lot about this while considering whether or not to start dating. Being confident in who you are is a very important part of the impression you give off. I guess maybe I should say I've accepted who I am, but I'm still struggling to figure out how to fit both my male and feminine sides into my life and make it work. Does that make sense?

[Rebecca Jackson]

I know exactly how you're feeling Rebecca. I've been divorced for about 17 years now and have been in and out of a few relationships, the last being a couple of years ago. It does get lonley,and although I love my CDing and expressing my feminine side, I'd gladly give that up for a relationship with a woman. I would like to think that communication is the key and that we're mature enough to discuss just about anything. I would like to think that maybe this is a topic that we could have fun with, if approached in the rigt manor. I don't know at this point how I would approach a topic like this with a potential SO, but I do know I would make sure to respect her the same way she respects me and be open and honest. Let's face it..for those of us single, it's NOT easy to spark a new relationship. :)

I agree that you have to have good communication in order for a relationship to work, and that this is something that needs to be discussed. As you said it's hard to know the right way to bring it up. I guess there are a lot of people on here that have no problem talking about this to potential partners, but for me it's not so easy. I would thinking prepared and knowing what you want to say and being prepared for the obvious questions would be a start. As you said, relationships are not that easy to develop, and this makes it all the more difficult.


Rebecca,

If you are working on your self-acceptance, stay out of the dating pool until you are ready...
If you don't want to open yourself up in order to avoid any hurt, you will never be able to fully love someone...
If you fear rejection, you will will not be able to discern what you really need.
Taking this fear into a relationship, you will not be able to adequately express your own "deal-breakers"...


There are a LOT of women out there. There are a LOT of beautiful women out there! Enjoy the experience of finding that one special person by not allowing yourself to be pulled in two different directions...

When you encounter rejection, consider it a minor course correction on your life's journey and continue on!

Robyn P.


I have no problem opening up to someone, but will admit that I'm a little more cautious after having had my heart broken several years ago. I closed myself off for a while but I do realize that isn't a good way to go through life. I'll be the first to admit I have my quirks and issues to deal with, just as most people do, but I'm working on these things and trying to move forward. You're right that rejection isn't the end of the world, but I guess I'm overly sensitive when it comes to dealing with rejection.

[Rebecca Jackson]

Allie has the right idea.

Meet someone when you're dressed. I'm not talking about just the tranny scene either. There are definitely females out there who are looking specifically for a CD, but they may be a little quirkier than what you're looking for.

Go out with some Tgirls and chat up the waitress or the girl sitting next to you at the bar. You're not looking to get lucky, you're just trying to meet different girls and get comfortable talking to them while dressed. Tell everyone you're single and ready to mingle while you're out. Flirt, have fun, be charming and witty and I can guarantee that you will eventually meet a straight girl who gets a real kick out of you.

C'mon girlfriend, let's be serious, you KNOW how to talk to women. Most of us are very special in that regard, if you just think about it and relax, you know exactly what to do.

Fear is a prison and I share a cell with you on some level, but we are here to empower each other.

Someday maybe we'll both be as fabulous as Kellycan ;-)

-Misty

Thanks Misty, you made some really good points. I could probably do better at relaxing and not over-thinking things. As the Eagles so aptly put it, "So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, And we never even know we have the key"

[Misty is Kindafem]

As the Eagles so aptly put it, "So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, And we never even know we have the key"

Hmm, they also said;

"Take it easy, don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy"


-Misty

[Rebecca Jackson]

Hmm, they also said;

"Take it easy, don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy"


-Misty


Too late...I'm already crazy!!!

[Rhonda Jean]

Y'all are too corny! I'm just lookin' for a lover that won't blow my cover!

[Misty is Kindafem]

Y'all are too corny! I'm just lookin' for a lover that won't blow my cover!

but she's so hard to find.


-Misty

[Rhonda Jean]

I hope she'll understand that doing this gives me such a Peaceful Easy Feelin'!