Frustration!

[blondetasha]

Hi everyone!

Sorry for bringing down the tone of this board, but i need to get some things off my chest.

I have been a member for a little while now and the more and more I read your stories and posts, the more I feel that what I am going through is perfectly natural and its the judgemental world in which we live in that is the problem. Like many of you, I have been dressing since an early age (roughly 14) however to this day nobody else knows about this. It has constantly been eating me up having been through 1 long-term relationship and currently in another.

My SO and I are currently going through a particularly bad patch and have decided to get relationship counciling. I feel like my mind is about to explode and constantly feel like crying, this is affecting my attitude at work and in fact i do not feel like I can be bothered with my friends either at the moment. As I mentioned, nobody knows about Tasha however I was with a group of friends Sat night and in my drunken state started to have a rage about how judgemental people are how I am fed up with society as a whole. I did not let it out about my crossdressing, but used this as an example and now Im sure people are wondering what the hell is going on with me. I have recently found myself wandering around womens clothing sections during my work lunch hour in awe of the selection and envious of the girls shopping there for themselves. Its the only thing on my mind at all times.

I have made mistakes before and nearly been caught out, i.e. not washing away eyeliner very well, leaving clothes out by accident - but I do not think she knows. I know that part of our relationship problems comes down to my crossdressing and how I feel deep down - the constant burden on my mind.

Im sorry this post is all over the place, im on my own right now and this probably represents my mind being all over the place.

I have to go to pick her up now, Im afraid I cannot get online very much at the moment, but will hopefully be back soon. I already feel better for posting this.

Tasha

[claire2454]

Hi Hun
well i have felt that way meny times myself and even if you do come out it doe's not go away as i have recently come out to my wife and still feel frustration. but it's the emotional charge that i still feel but that is going down and will hopefully sub side. it sounds to me you need to tell someone that you can trust or tell the counsller you are going to see. but do it if you want we all differant and have our own ways.

:love: claire

[tricia_uktv]

Hi Tash, it sounds to me like you have to spill the beans for your own sake. I think life and society, especially in the UK are much more open than you imagine. You can do what you want but do it slowly. Also I suspect you will have to do it away from your SO - that happened to me. Good luck and let us know how you get on,

Hugs,

[Sandygal]

Hang in there Tasha. There are so many of us out here at the same place you are. It gets worse for me a couple of weeks before Holloween and up to Christmas. This is the time I can be more open to the idea of buying womans clothes. So I'm thinking of it non stop during this period and go into a small depression after Christmas if I didn't get everything I need. Woman have such a wonderfull selection of clothes, when I have to buy men's clothes, it bores the hell out of me.

[ashcrimson]

Im not in am emotional state where in I can give you a decent advice about this matter, so ill just say this instead:

You seem to like it, why not go somewhere far alone, just you on a vacation like go to mexico or some other state or city and just have fun as a woman from start to finish. Go to san francisco

seriously though, good luck.

[DianneRoberts]

You are not alone

You are not alone

You are not alone

Cherish the small amount of time that you have to do what you want and remember that when you can't, you will sometime be able to again.

It's all a matter of your priorities.

Hang in there, you are not alone.

[Adelaide]

Dianne's right: you are not alone.

My SO doesn't approve of my cding.....And nobody else knows....I sometimes feel lonely.... But I hope I'll be able to tell a good GF of mine soon....and get some kind of understanding and willingness from her to go out "en femme" with me!

Let's remain positive!

A.

[docrobbysherry]

And there r some things u can't keep secret.

There's also some things u SHOULDN'T keep secret. Because doing so may damage your health or psyche.:doh:

If u can't decide which r which, please see a counselor who mite help u decide!:thumbsup:

[Wen4cd]

Tasha, I feel for you. Keep your chin up, there's a lot of life yet to live!



I have been a member for a little while now and the more and more I read your stories and posts, the more I feel that what I am going through is perfectly natural and its the judgemental world in which we live in that is the problem.

I'd suggest you re-frame that a bit for your own benefit. The way that's stated is a pretty hopeless view. Maybe try: "What you are going through is perfectly natural. Period."

Try to forget about the 'judgmental world' and defninitely the word "problem." In my experience, most of that judgmental world was in my own head. In many instances, it's just plain old unconscious self-doubt being 'projected' onto 'society.' It breeds bitterness and a feeling of alienation. You are just as much a valid part of society as anyone else.


Its the only thing on my mind at all times.

I hear ya. If you've ever read Jungian-type stuff or anima theory stuff, and if your age is really 29, it's given that the anima starts making some serious 'noise' right about now. I remember age 29 as a very crucial year. Something started then that's only really begun to resolve fairly recently. You've probably got some work and searching cut out for you, but it's still only natural.


My SO was away last weekend, and I spent most of the time on my own as Tasha in full dress and makeup and experienced a feeling that I have never had before. I felt at peace and very relaxed. It was the best I had felt in a long-long time. I have never had this opportunity to spend so much time as 'myself' before and it was amazing.

That sounds like me, only my SO fully knew what I was up to, and would (and still does) occasionally go a-visiting to the in-laws to give me some private time just for that.


I have made mistakes before and nearly been caught out, i.e. not washing away eyeliner very well, leaving clothes out by accident - but I do not think she knows. I know that part of our relationship problems comes down to my crossdressing and how I feel deep down - the constant burden on my mind.

The burden might actually be the secret. I'm all for honesty, but since you've never told her, it comes down to how long you've been together. I told my SO in the 'been going steady for a while, and are pretty likely to be engaged one day' phase, so I never had that burden. I think generally, if the relationship is a committed one, it's going to be much better to communicate your feelings in some way you are in control of, rather than being 'caught' one day.

If you disclose, she's probably going to be more hurt that you kept it a secret than she is unsupportive of it in general. That line may occasionally blur to your dismay, and I think basically, the best course would be to focus on her anger at the deception, and beg her forgiveness for that, and never ask forgiveness for dressing or for wanting to dress.

You really have done nothing you need to be forgiven for in wanting to dress, but keeping the knowledge from her is going to be debatable, and it's going to tempting to say "I kept it secret because I am ashamed of it." This could be a big mistake, even if it's true, and would set a precedent of guilt that she will feed back to you. If anything, say "I WAS ashamed of it," or something that does not show any remorse in your own desire.

Show "confident curiosity in your quirkiness," show "academic interest in your fascinating psychic processes," any frame for it which doesn't involve you leaving yourself open to being attacked for 'wanting' to do something, because it's a trap.

People can question their desires, they can even alter them somewhat with some examination (which can be good), but no one can be made to feel guilty about them, as if they could turn them on and off-at will-like a faucet.

[Shelly67]

Tasha , don't apologise for venting spleen here. I had to this past weekend before I saw sense and direction . Its horrid to have a really dark problem hanging over us , and sometimes we just have to let it out , be it either vocally , or amongst kindred folks in writing / typing ( like on this site ) for us to be able to sit back , calm down then assitain the problem .
The one problem we have , in all matters of relationships is non communication . If niether speaks up with concerns , worries , or whatever it simply festers and creates a negative atmosphere . It can also become a dark guilty secret . We have no other choice but to accept eventually things have to come out , or the result can become stress , anxiety and eventually illness . I can certainly reflect on you raging youre concerns after alcohol . It really does loosen the tongue . I became so pent up after a few beers one evening I realized things were,nt me at all ..... I was losing my direction as the secret part of me was in the end undeniable .
I had to tell my partner , as she was concerned with my quiet behaviour , they really do pick up on everything ( and I,ll wager our nearest and dearest are suspicious or alert to that we,re up to "something " ). That moment of realization scared the life outta me , made me feel even more unstable , it had to be dealt with.
Its totally up to you , but I think perhaps you need to guage her reaction to crossdressing , you could gently bring up the subject of how you,ve seen it in newspapers a lot recently ( I have on problem pages over here -in the news of the world it seems weekly now ) then take it from there if you so wish.
She may surprise you if you wish to pursue it further however . Be ready for all sorts of emotions to emerge .It seems the situation of holding back , always relates to non trust . For me , I had to communicate with total honesty , trying to to show that my trust was paramount in telling her . I trusted her with all of me ........... secrets , lies , warts and all . Without going on too much , for us , well we went to war . But the peace we found afterwards certainly was worth the confrontation .
It hit us both ( and again this past weekend on other matters ) that to pass through life reasonably , we all have to learn to communicate . And that in itself is an awakening reality .
I hope you both find the courage and compassion together on this one , it really can be a testing situation . Whatever you decide what to do , you simply have to realise you can,t go on the way you are .....I feel for you , stress is horrid . Good Luck , keep in touch , the forum and its members are certaintly with you in this time of dilema .......
Shelly xxx

[AngieLove]

I'm inclined to agree with Wen. People who like to think they know you well will often not react subtly when they find out, at once, that they don't. More aptly, they instantly think they don't. They perhaps fail to realize that it is still you, and it doesn't really comprise some big super secret mystery nor did you suddenly transform into someone else. But it appears that way to the other half.

This reaction is perhaps why it is best to disclose sooner than later, if disclosure is to ever happen. Being caught is probably even more of a substantial shock than disclosure to the SO, and may even be construed as a lie, and that may not be wrong entirely.

For most, crossdressing is more than an odd hobby, and points to being a part of our makeup. Some deny this part of themselves with varying levels of success. In your case, a few choices present themselves. We'll move forward with the premise that you are miserable with trying to repress your dressing, to the point that it is affecting your ability to perform within all of your social relationships.

1. Consider if you can find happiness or contentment being with your SO and not dressing. Basically can you find inner happiness with the status quo?

2. Would you be happy without the SO so you can dress as you please?

3. Which one is harder to do without?

4. Have your cake and (maybe) eat it too. Share with her (as Wen described, showing remorse for not sharing sooner, but not for who you are) and take the risk that you may end up with both the dressing and the SO, with the potential it may end up as (2) above. This one has risk. You may end up with it all, as some here do. You both may work out a compromise that works well for both of you, again as some here do. But there is the possibility she may say no dressing if you are to be with her.

Me? I am always inclined towards forthrightness as well as taking the risk, with the potential for greater reward.

Or, you can keep things as they are and sneak dressing in when you are able. However it sounds like you already know it isn't working well for you this way.

Whatever you decide, my best wishes are with you hon!

[blondetasha]

Hi everyone and thank you so so much for all of your replies.
I literally only have a couple of mins, but just wanted to say thanks after such wonderul comments and great advice. I will post again in more detail as soon as I can. I am having serious thoughts about telling her, however have been together for 5 years now, travelled the world together and feel like I have been dis-honest.

I find myself agreeing that it is probably worth the risk and may even make our relationship a better one once I have said something.

I just want the sick, sad feeling to go away now, have had enough.

Maybe this is just a phase and I will feel better after a while, who knows.

sorry i havent taken the time to give you a better reply, i will come back soon i promise xx

Wen... for clarity i am 29 so this could make sense and i will read further.

[KayC]

As a FAB, I may have a different perspective. I know if I were your SO, I would feel hurt that you didn't trust me enough to talk with me about it, and relieved that the "cat is out of the bag" so to speak, because this stress that you're under is unbearable, and my first concern would be your own inner health and peace of mind. My BF didn't come right out and tell me persae, but more like he hinted and I picked up on things and finally pieced it together. I have to tell you, at first I was in shock, then sick to my stomach, then questioned everything...his sexuality, my sexuality, what it all meant, etc. Then he told me about this site and I read and read and read. I can say in the last three weeks I've come a full 180 degrees. I feel completely supportive of him/her. We live in a small rural community that is very conservative/traditional, so I realize it's not something that would be accepted as readily as in San Francisco or somewhere, but whether he chooses to come out to everyone or not is up to him. I know that I love him and want his happiness. I have seen pictures of "her", she is very beautiful, but I have not yet gotten to see her yet, although I've asked him to let me see her and hopefully soon I will. It takes him a great deal of time to do the transformation and both of us have adult kids at home so privacy is kind of an issue. Someplace on this site it told "how to tell your SO" and I would read there for pointers and things to consider. But I would definitely come out to her! You might start by telling her that you feel very close to her and there's something you want to share with her that you have never shared with anyone else (on line is incognito...doesn't count the same), but you're afraid of her being able to handle it, which is why you haven't brought it up before now. Assure her that she is very important to you and you don't want to lose her. Do not indicate in any way that you would consider giving her up, that would be fatal for your relationship and it would be hard for her to understand how you'd choose "clothes" over her...we both know that this is more than about clothes, but she won't realize that at first. Give her a bit of time to let everything sink in, answer her questions, and then tell her there's someplace that she can go to for answers that might be able to put it better than you could, and let her know there are others in the same situation...tell her about this site and also about the FAB section. It is pretty hard to predict how someone will respond, but if she has high character and is basically a respectful, understanding, tolerant person, she's unlikely to react any differently in this situation. Realize that her initial reaction can evolve into one that's very positive and accepting, go slow and give her all the time that she needs. I really feel you need to get this off your chest. It's not like you've committed a crime or anything, it's more like CDers are constantly in the position of having to educate the world that some have this need, no they don't know why, but it's natural and normal, and it doesn't change who you are. I know it has to be annoying to have to educate everyone about this, but when you stop and think about it, isn't that a positive thing? We NEED to know, we NEED to learn and grow, and that's never a bad thing!

I wish you well and really hope you'll tell her...for your sake. Besides, maybe she'll think Tasha is cute and even want to help her out, shop for her, etc, it could be fun! It's so important that we are with people who accept us for who we are and love us as is.

[Sarah_GG]

Basically what KayC says above... before I knew about my SOs CDing I felt something was missing. I thought that the big absent part of my SO meant he didn't really want me. I found out before he told me and then did a lot of research. It takes a long time to fully accept and understand what CDing is really all about but it means you can have a proper meaningful relationship.

Good luck and keep coming back here for help and advice. :)

[ReineD]

I know that part of our relationship problems comes down to my crossdressing and how I feel deep down - the constant burden on my mind.

... I already feel better for posting this.

I agree with the others who've responded. Your wife does feel something is amiss and it is best for you both if she is told the truth. There is a sticky at the top of the M2F section entitled "How To Tell Your Partner" that you might want to read.
:hugs:

[lanasan]

your choice is clear suffer and be found out eventualy or fessup and talk it thru like adults

[AllieSummers]

I was exactly where you are about 6 months ago.

My wife and I were having some little problems. I soon realized it was because of two things.

The first was that the burden of keeping my dressing secret was wearing on me. Juggling so many balls and keeping all those plates spinning was too much for me. It was affecting everything in my life. Our sex life was in the dumpster (sex twice a month at most) and I wasn't enjoying those times because I was thinking about the lies I was constantly telling her. The guilt was just too much.

The second thing was that my wife thought I was having an affair with another woman...she didn't know the other woman was me. It was affecting the way she was acting towards me.

I don't know if it is the same in your case but I would bet that she does think something is up and it is affecting the way she acts out to you and I would also bet that keeping these secrets is affecting the way you act out to her.

I'm not saying that my solution is the one for you but one day I realized that it couldn't get much worse so I just told her. It was a huge relief to me and it was to her too.

Since then our love life and everything about our marriage is the best it has been...EVER!!! We've been married for 23 years and are like newly weds.

I would suggest you at least think about telling her. It could be the solution to you problem.

Kisses,

Allie

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

Hang In there Tasha. I agree that you should tell your SO.The best way is just sit her down at home,just the two of and explain it.Who Knows? She might be very accepting.When I first told my wife how I wanted to CD,she said "Why didn't you say something sooner?".She help me shop for clothes,how to do make up and so forth.Good luck and hope all works out well with you and your SO.


Felicity

[blondetasha]

Hi friends,

i just told her and i think she is a bit confused and upset that I havent told her before i guess this was expected. I should have said long ago. more so that we have been have relationship issue and this could have been a contributing factor.

still, its out now and i hope we can work through this. I am asking her to come on to these boards to see some of my posts and read some of yours.

thanks for your time and kind words.

[Tina B.]

Tasha, good for you, now the hard part is over, the telling. Of course she is confused by it all, who wouldn't be, after all she probably never thought much about cross dressers one way or the other. Now it is the time that you have to give her some breathing room, to take it all in, and ask her questions, then let her have the time to think about how she feels about it all.
But let me tell you, I was where you are some 33 years ago, I knew I could not keep it a secret from the person I lived with, it was causing way to much stress, and the lack of a resolution was causing a deep depression. So there was nothing to do but tell her and take the risk of losing her, if she could not handle who I was. The relationship was on very Rocky ground because of the depression and pent up anger, and probably would not have lasted anyway, the way things where going.
But after answering all her questions, we went shopping and she bought me everything I needed to dress, taught me how to do my hair, and make up and gave me the freedom to be me. And after thirty seven years of marriage people still thing we are the cutest couple because we still walk down the street holding hands, and share so much of the same interest as each other. So it was all worth the risk, and the rewards have been great for the both of us. I hope it works out as well for the two of you!
Tina

[Paula_56]

Tasha

I go thru these periods also, your frustions tend to make you carless and not care. They also seem to get worse, each year. These periods are sometimes follwoed by a purge. and then the cycle starts over.

I am in one of these careless periods right now. I too am wandering the ladies dept, I went to a shoe store in drab and ask for ladies shoes. My attuide is so what.

It can be dangourous, be careful.

Try to keep busy with another pastime or work if you feel you are loosing control. I kayay, hike. Keeping busy can sometimes take your mind away, but the toruble is you don't want to stop. I know I have been there siter and I am there rightnow

[mklinden2010]

T,

Well, great, you told her. Now you can talk.

Telling, however, is not the hard part - not really. Telling and standing by what you said, that's the hard part - being consistent and being happy with yourself.

You're a crossdresser, or, whatever - AND you are you. Fitting those two together and not fighting with yourself in the future, which only creates problems for your SO, that's a toughie.

Just be honest with yourself about what you know and don't know and expect to have to keep figuring things out. The more you can do to figure things out, the less bother and worry for her.

A few pointers from your first post:

>>I am having serious thoughts about telling her, however have been together for 5 years now, travelled the world together and feel like I have been dis-honest.

Tell her you feel it was dishonest and you regret that dishonesty - because you care about her and value the relationship.


>>I find myself agreeing that it is probably worth the risk and may even make our relationship a better one once I have said something.

Whatever relationship you have in the future, at least you have proven that you have a conscious, care to do the right thing, and, will do the right thing.

Those are positive things.

Crossdressing? That's just "a" thing. Everybody wears clothes; everybody wonders, "What if?"


>>I just want the sick, sad feeling to go away now, have had enough.

Feelings are indicators that we're heading in the right direction or the wrong direction - as each of us sees things in life. Pay attention to those feelings. "If you're not happy, do something about getting happy."

>>Maybe this is just a phase and I will feel better after a while, who knows.

Yes, you are that clumsy phase, somewhere between 1 and 120 years of age, where we seem to have most of our ups and downs.

Life is a roller coaster for everyone. Everyone actually takes the same ride, but they think it's different for them. It's not - all the cars are connected. Enjoy your ride - from whatever seat you landed in... And, trust we're all going to wind up back in the station at about the same time.

Have a nice trip.

[tricia_uktv]

YAY Tasha, now remember to go slow. It must be a huge weight off your mind. I'm with you all the way hon.

[Cristi]

Edit: I missed your "I told her" post before making this reply. I'll leave it up since I still think much of it is relevant to you or others in the same situation.

Of all the benefits of this forum, the 'you are no longer alone' one is the most valuable.

It sounds to me like everything is bottled up inside you and looking for some way to escape. When things are like this, it is difficult to not do something rash that you might regret later. I've certainly gone through periods like that. Heck, my entire life has been like that, it is just a matter of degree, it comes and goes.

The only advice I can add to all the great things already posted here are:
1) Hang in there
2) Do NOT do anything rash or 'on the spur of the moment' that you'll regret later
3) Try to find some safe way to relieve a bit of the pressure. Make more time to dress safely at home or in a safe place like a hotel room, etc.
4) Spend more time on this forum! Just TALKING to other people who are in the same situation and reading their stories can do wonders.
5) Consider therapy just for yourself. Not to tell you how to 'fix' anything, but more to help you come to terms with who you are and that there is no reason to feel isolated or guilty about your desires. (If you do this, make sure you find a therapist who doesn't think that CDing is something that needs to be 'cured'!)

Good luck, hang in there and take it slowly... My guess is that everybody on this forum has been where you are now at some point in their lives.

[Andy66]

It was very brave of you to tell your SO. Whatever happens now, it has to be better than living a lie. For most GGs, crossdressing is not the problem - lying and lack of trust is the real problem. Now I hope you can start to rebuild your relationship. Good luck.

[blondetasha]

Hi everyone,
well i thought id give you an update of my rollercoaster ride! I hope I sound a little more postive now.

After telling my SO, she was, as expected shocked and does not like the idea, however after a few weeks has just about accepted it. She does not want to see me dressed but has explained that maybe this will change one-day in the future. I am happy to talk to her and she is happy to listen (though this mainly happens once we are drunk!). I've def noticed our relationship has become more open and I certainly feel much more comfortable and happy that she knows (though this is still obviously an upward struggle). Last night I took another step and told a trusted friend, he was was very cool and non-judgemental. We have a diverse group of friends including gays and lesbians and his view is that most of our friends would not have an issue at all, and in his view these things are simply part of our genetic makeup and simply who we are. I couldnt believe i was openly talking about it and he was patiently listening, it was a strange strange feeling to say the least.

I feel that i and my relationship has come a long way already, but we are still far from settled and still have a lot of work to do. My SO will soon be going away for a couple of months and said last night that she fully expects me to be dressing whilst she is away. Her main issues are with body hair, and I have said I will not do away with leg and arm pit hair - this is extremely frustrating but it is the least I can do to help us get through this. I am trying my best not to be selfish and treat her in the usual ways.

To any closet readers out there, if you are anything like I was at the start of this thread please consider coming out. its was a huge weight off my mind and has affected me psychologically. I feel a lot better now which is def a selling point.

Well..thats it for now folks, thanks for you advice and support. I will update you again soon.

Tasha

[Tracey Corset]

Good to see you feeling more positive Tasha, has your SO been on here and read some of the various posts ?, i'm sure it would help her a lot

[AllieSummers]

I have to agree. You need to be honest with yourself and your loved ones. I don't think you need to tell everyone but your immediate family probably does need to know. It was a huge weight off me when I came out.

The only thing I don't agree with is the armpit and leg hair. No way could I dress with hairy legs. I'd rather be smooth and in guy mode than hairy in girl mode. I feel more feminine when I'm clean shaved. :)

Good luck with you future progress...

Kisses,

Allie