How do we ultimatly treat others?

[Stephanie Miller]

I’ve taken quite a while thinking about this post, because it goes against all that I have been preaching. Tolerance and acceptance. You see, I have been a leader of the local Tri-Ess chapter so I took calls from all types of people on being CD. Most of the calls had to do with the CD’s and their spouses. Well… one such call lead to a friendship between a struggling pair (who we will call Joe and Mary – not their real names) and me and my wife. It has been a little over two years now.
Almost everyone in the club, or of CD/TG etc. acquaintance, have acted with a bit of distance when they are in girl mode because of the mutual respect we have with letting others in our life (to include families or professional) know about our “second selves”. Here in lies the rub. This couple has also become involved in my personal life, as friends, and has been invited to family functions as well. I even employed Joe for a time being. No problem so far.
Now comes along Joe’s realization that he/she is a transsexual and needs to transition. This is happening overnight. So here I have a friend that if she shows up around friends and family will cause my wife and kids heartache because they feel it will bring about the focus of attention on me also. People will put two and two together. Shaved arms, shaved legs, long hair, TG friends etc. etc. And they will feel humiliated. I do not want to cause any more heartache to them than my CD’ing already has. Yet I feel as though personally it is not right to walk out of this person’s life outright, because of a very tough and challenging life choice that she is making. I know she has been making new TG friends, and she has told other friends and her family about this who has taken it in a positive fashion. So it’s not like I’m leaving her alone. But at the same time it is so out of character for me to walk out of someone’s life without a damn good reason.
Like I said, I have thought long and hard about this and I think I have a resolution. But I’m still looking for other points of view.

[Tora]

Steph, If she is a good and caring person, she will understand, your boundry.
As one of our group makes a course correction for themselves, they must know the rest of us may have a differnt path we will follow.

[Rhonda Jean]

Stephanie,
I think she should understand that you have your own life, family, and friends to be concerned with and that her situation and her continued close involvement in your personal life will likely cause you considerable hardship. As your friend, I don't think she'd want to do that to you. By this time she probably knows you well enough to know where she'll be able to comfortably fit into your life. I understand the feeling of being hypocritical. That's life. Forgive the terrible analogy, but, you can have empathy for your friend who is unemployed, and remain friends. But, you probably wouldn't give them your house or your paycheck.

[trannie T]

I am sorry Steph but I think it is cold hearted to abandon a friend as she is going through a serious change in life. I can see no harm in declaring you have a friend who is a Transexual. I have friends who are outside the usual norms of society and it has not had any affect on the rest of my life. I fear that if I were to abandon my friends during turbulent times in their lives they will abandon me when I need their support.

[Rebecca Jayne]

From what I have read, it sounds like "Joe" is finding new friends as her life changes. Though you may fade from her life you will always be a part of it and should continue to remain friends. You were there when it was pins and needles after all, and for that I'm sure she will always be grateful.

By the way remember: It is 2009 and we are all adults, though not everyone who is adult will act responsibly.

[Stephanie Miller]

Tora & Rhonda Jean - Thanks for the words. I could only hope this is how she looks at it. And yes Rhonda I understand your analogy.

Trannie T - What can I say? You have given me enough of a question for another thread. I have no intention of abandoning her. There are barriers that need to be reinforced between us to protect others involved. It's not about "Me". Do you realize you refered to yourself first in almost every sentance? I am not concerned about myself. I am concerned about the rest of my family and how (knowing how society still treats all of us CD's and thier wonderful tollerance :rolleyes: ) everyone will associate them with my choices. What ae the chances of my daughters being looked upon the same as they always have been by their inlaws if the inlaws knew I crossdressed? :eek: Just not fair. If it just had to do with me - I couldn't care less what people thought. If I did, then I would probably still be in the closet.

[Shelly Preston]

Stephanie

Please think about how you would want to be treated had it been you who chose to transition

Their chosen path in life does not mean it will affect you that much
It does not mean you have to come out

As long your friendship continues you will be seen as a supportive caring person to them and I am sure it will be much appreciated

[Stephanie Miller]

Hi Shelly,
I really don't think about how I would want to be treated, since it's not me going through changing my outward lifestyle. But I do think, with compassion, care and thoughtfulness, of how other people will be effected by MY actions. That is why I have not acted by knee-jerk reaction and have not only thought hard about it but look for others thoughts as well. (i.e. here on the forum). I have not talked adversely to "Joe" nor have I abandoned her. Although, I think you are incorrect when you say "Their chosen path in life does not mean it will affect you that much". I think that is a philosophy that too many TG/CD/TS people conveniently accept for themselves without exploring the true outcome. In my post I said this person was a part of not only my life but my family's life as well (direct family and distant family). You see, our family is somewhat unique by today's standards. My daughters their husbands and kids their in-laws and their kids all hang out a lot. ( I employ my daughters father-in-law) If "Joe's" actions (by her mere new outward appearance and presence) brings about negative reactions to MY lifestyle by ultimately uncovering my CD'ism - then yes it does effect a lot of other innocent people to second hand ridicule. I'm not willing to gamble - on behalf of my family - how others will react. If I was 100% certain it would be an all flowers and roses outcome..... sure. But 99%..... not enough.
I will save my thoughts on why it is not fair for me to "travel my own newly accepted path" for another thread.