Oh Cr*p that's done it!

[Deelite]

Last night, i was sitting on my own watching TV dressed in my kneelength denim skirt, wedges, and pink top, and i noticed headlights coming through the glazed part of the front door.

OH NO! it can't be, YEP, it was my GF, she was home from work earlier than i thought!!!!

Well, i have never moved so quick in heels in my life! i ran upstairs to the bedroom, i quickly undressed, back into drab before she was at the top of the stairs, i shut the door and held it shut.

She asked what was going on, and i said to give me 10 mins to sort myself out, unfortunately when i went downstairs to face my GF, she was not happy at all, she knew what i had been doing, but had to ask anyway, so i told her i was getting changed out of my girly clothes (she knows that i am a CD), well she went ballistic, and started telling me 'you promised i would'nt have to see it, or know about it" well technically she did'nt see me dressed, but she did'nt care.

She has basically had enough and wants to move out of the house!

I tried to talk her round for two hours, and all that ended up doing was making things worse and her hitting me!

She sent me a text this morning at work, and has said that she cannot live with being hurt and lied to all the time, and has said to choose between my dressing and me putting her and the relationship first.
(This is coming from someone who works most weekdays til 10.15pm and all day Saturdays)

I think she is being very unfair on me, i have apologised to her that it won't happen again, but she said 'what about next time?'

I really don't know what to do, I love her (been together for nearly 10 years), but i know that my dressing urges are never going to go away.

Is there any advice you girls can give me?

(sorry girls for the long and depressive nature of this post)

Luv Dee. :(

[Stephenie]

What would you tell a wife who's husband had hit her?

[Krystal Lee]

Deelite, Don't know what to say. If you have been together 10 yrs and she knew and this still happened she may have been looking for a reason? Would she be open to counseling?
Does she know how important she is to you? I don't mean to be flip with the question.
Sometimes I think its easy to loose ourselves in ourselves. Am sure you have but let her know how much you love her. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Hugs Krystal.

[Katie Ashe]

I know you love her, but flying solo might be the best thing for you. Sorry to hear about your awful night, really. I hope things work out for you.

[Emily Ann Brown]

If given a choice she probably would say she wants to be off nights and weekends, so that item she views differently than you. My wife was the same way about her retail management job. I finally told her if that was true then quit . She did. Back to your situation. She's asking you to chose between dressing and not dressing. She at this moment doesn't get that you probably can't "not dress". She probably thinks she was putting you first by coming early, and you were cheating on her. I would hope some therapy might help to get all the issues clearly out on the table. But right now, you two are on different pages. (My opinion) I hurt for you. You are facing a no win situation.

Emily Ann

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Deelite,

I have to agree with Stephanie"What would you tell a wife that had been hit by her husband."This may have been comming on for some time and she just blew up.My wife and I may dissagree and get vocal at times but,we never go to bed mad.I don't hit women nor would I let myself be hit.

[jessbcuzz]

I don't know what to tell you. I'm sure alot of us have been put in the same situation. My ex GF flipped just like yours did. We had a kid together, and now, she blackmails me saying that if I ever take her to court for visitation, everyone in town and my family will know that I am a CD. I thought she would change, even after offering her links to read more about us girls, but she refused. Maybe you can offer the same thing to your GF. If she still refuses, she may still love you, but she's not in love with you. Strong realationships are suppose to be based on each person supporting them, even though they may dissagree. You can't change what you are. If you are happy being dressed as a women, do you want to give it up and become unhappy just to make someone else happy?

[DonnaT]

Dee, sorrry to hear of your getting 'caught', my condolances.

I too think your GF is being unfair. Afterall she does know what you do, she did not 'see' you dressed, she asked even though she didn't want to know, you were honest with your answer, she came home early knowing what you do and didn't call to let you know she was coming home early, and she struck you.

Your promise that it won't happen again can really only be kept if she calls and lets you know she's coming home. And the only reason she has for calling would be to warn you to change if you are dressed. Then it will be on her mind, which she doesn't want. You could very easily fall asleep while dressed, and thus break your promise.

The only thing I can suggest, if she refuses to discuss it with you, is family counseling, hopefully with someone familier with the transgendered.

[biddy]

You ATTEMPT to get rid of the dressing chances are that won't work after all it won't be because that it is a decision that you came about in a natural chain of acceptance by your-self. Ask around here, WHO HAS BEEN SUCCESSFUL AT PERGING +? WHO HAS SUCCESFULLY BEEN COHURST INTO DENIAL +?
Imagine you perge then your need to dress over-whelms you, a few treats stashed here or there some-thing along the lines of what just happened repeats it's self or she finds your treasures. WHERE WILL THE REALATION-SHIP BE THEN +? WHAT IS THE LIKELY OUT-COME +?
Me thinks Deelite that your only sane choice here, is one of dialouge between you two, leading to some form of acceptance on her behalf, or a parting of the ways before the situation deterates to the point of resentment to-ward one another and all the uglyness that that brings about.

[ronna]

What did they call that? The Dance?
I remember reading something about that in a previous thread.
It is amazing how fast you can get undressed even when it might have taken you hours to get dressed.

[Stormgirl]

She hit you? Are you going to take that crap? Kick her out,theres no need for violence.

[Vivian Best]

If your GF doesn't want to know she should let you know she is coming home early. I don't know where your relationship is going, but I think you ought to consider the possibility that she would be the same way after marriage. If she doesn't want to see or know, ask her to call before she comes home before normal arrival time.

Vivian :hiding:

[Holly]

Dee,

For what it's worth, it sounds like you're the one making all the concessions in the relatioship. It's supposed to be give AND take. I'm not optomistic that after 10 years she is going to start making concessions but it may be worth a try. Your GF should be absolutely ashamed of herself for raising her hand to you. I don't care how angry she was with you. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior. While joint counciling may benefit your relationship, you should insist that she seek help in managing her anger.

[jo_ann]

sounds like she's trying to control you. 10 years IS a long time, but if you can't be true to yourself (and you know it's going to happen again), you're gonna have to let her go.

[Elysia]

I think DonnaT has summed things up very well.

We cross-dressers have a right to our dignity. We also deserve some uninterrupted private time. I don’t think you have done anything that calls for an apology.

I’m sure your GF wants to be a decent and reasonable person and she must care for you if you’ve been together for so long. You may be able to work things out but you should be realistic. Compromise must be a two way street. I advise you not to make promises that you can’t keep just to get through this crisis quickly. If you do, you will only be sowing the seeds of another confrontation and then, when it comes, she will have a good reason for being upset.

Good luck.

[Deelite]

Thankyou all so much!

We have talked again this evening, she was very sorry for hitting me (just slapping my arms) i have agreed to phone her to find out when she is coming home, to avoid this happening again.

The reason she works so late is she works shifts in a theatre.

I really don't want to loose her, and she has said the same to me, i can understand what i am putting her through, things are still raw as i only told her about my CD'ing a few months back.

Things have smoothed over now, and i am not 'promising' her anything again!

Luv Dee.

[DonnaT]

Sounds promising Dee. :thumbsup:

[Priscilla1018]

Best of luck to you Dee.

[Tiffy]

Dee,
I have a friend who is CD/TG. This person married the woman he loved. He had to vow never to dress not even in secret. So he did. Thirty years later and still married and NEVER dressing, this person in full of sadness. Wants to dress so badly that it tears him apart. Some days he really thinks about not living at all. And will not do what makes him happy because he is married and made a promise. He hates everything about him self. Dying with sadness of not being able to dress because he loved her and made a promise.

You can draw from this what you may. But me, I would not want to feel that way about myself nor would I be willing to trap my female side for the rest of my life. I feel bad enough with day to day struggles I do not need the help thank you.

I have tried to get him to join our site but to no avail. He says that would only tempt him to want to dress even more.

Love, April

I have been where you are now and I know how it hurts. I feel for you and your lady very much. But, IMHO I think she is looking for a way out. Because she did not see you and only knew because she asked you.

[Tiffy]

That is sad, it took me an hour to make that last post. ANd things have changed already I see. I am sorry my bad. I was busy doing other things as well. :rolleyes:


April

[Deborah757]

If you both love each other you will stay together. My wife found my "stash" the first time when I was a bit younger than you are now. After the confrontation I think she was secretly relieved that at the truth rather than the affair she suspected. Of course I promised never to do it again and of course I did. Then she found it again, several times. Each time we had a confrontation and I promised to never do it again. Each time I was sincere, but of course I failed in my promise. Lately, for about the past three years, I have quit trying to hide. She knows, hasn't seen me, but doesn't really make an issue of it anymore. I am still trying to muster the courage to have a full and honest discussion about it.

Now, my marriage is not perfect, but my point is that if she loves you she will forgive you, just as you will forgive her for any failings she may have. From your last post, things sound encouraging. Please learn from my mistakes and sit down and have an honest discussion now. If you don't, she will eventually discover you again and you will go through this pain afresh. And the honest discussion does not get easier to have if you put it off until later.

[StephanieCD]

10 years is a lot to throw away. I haven't read it but - have her read My Husband Betty. Explain to her that it won't go away and it's a part of you. Tell her you're willing to compromise but to tell her you were putting her first and quitting dressing would be a lie in the making. Offer to take a break from each other, intimately speaking, while she reads some stuff and offer to do whatever she needs while she sorts it out. Fact is it's a part of you and if she loves you she needs to find a way to live with it - even if it's a schedule or something. If she can't accept a part of you that won't go away (accept doesn't mean embrace) then she needs to do what's best for both of you and go. But if there are terms that she can accept it on she needs to explore those ideas before throwing away 10 years.

[Lady Jayne]

Dee it sounds to me like she's trying to understand and she does love you, perhaps she just needs help. Would she consider talking to some of the GG's here or reading a book on the subject. I can understand her confusion and concernes after all for many years I thought I must be some kind of perverted freak for wanting to dress, I know a lot of you girls feel we have a right to be accepted but realisticly if it didn't involve you can you honestly say you'd be so accepting? From the outside it must seem very strange and it's understandable that all the usual questions are going to be running through her mind, If she's willing, talking about it and getting some good info could aleviate some of her fears, then you never know she may even come to embrace it as some of our wonderfull GG,s hear have done.
Good luck I Hope things work out for you.
Jayne

[Billijo49504]

I'm sorry for putting it this way BUT, There is NO excuse for domestic violence. Today it's a slap, tomarrow it's worse. We are supposed to be adults. Adults don't hit...We should know better.

[Annette_boy]

Dear Deelite
There is no excuse fof physical violance in a relationship You are in danger of battered spouse syndrom Where the battered one accepts the appologies and promisis not to hurt any more .You have a right to personal safty in your home My advice for what it is worth is to while she is out put her stuff on the lawn and change the locks but it is your choise she has laid the ultimatum
Sorry to sound so harsh but domestic violence burns my butt You really have my sympathy and I am pulling for you sorry about the rant but grrrrr hitting either direction
Love and Huggs
Annette

[okanaganheather GG]

I would love to invite your SO to the GG forum to rant and get things out and to normalize the whole process...she needs some educated and some experienced help with her valid feelings just as you do!!! I would love her to know that she is not alone, just as I would love for you to know that as well.

My prayer is Love and Understanding for each of you - one to the other and vicaversa. May all the resources you each need be given to you!

Any change can be decided on how to navigate through it!!! I can say that from my personal life with Cding and other areas.

It sounds like time to grow up and get real with one another - and that is a tough but an EXTREMELY wonderful time, no matter the outcome for the relationship itself...Heres to you getting honest with her :thumbsup: , and to each of you being willing to talk about the next moves!!!

Honesty + dialogue = FREEDOM

[Deelite]

Thankyou all for your replies!

This is why i joined a forum like this, it makes all the difference hearing experiences from you girls, and knowing that i am NOT alone.

Luv Dee.

[norbie]

:) Hi Dee,
What I think is you have to be honest to yourself in this case. Yes you got a relationship for 10 years - BUT you only told her a few month ago about you being CD.
It must have been a shock to her, like a cold shower.
So go very easy and very sloooowly. Don't promise anything because you can't keep it you know yourself.
If she loves you and you love her its time to sit together and work out some compromise which makes BOTH of you happy.
It will work out just be patient and SHOW her love like housework and so on...
Just my thoughts,
Love and big bear hug from Norbie :thumbsup:

[Dixie Darling]

Dee,

Have you ever sat down with her and explained to her that your crossdressing wasn't a CHOICE that you made?

Does she understand that it's a NEED that you have just as much as she has to eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, etc?

Is she computer literate and willing to read some information and facts about crossdressing?

I'm curious about why, if she already knows that you dress and apparently hasn't objected strongly to it as long as you keep it out of her sight and the conversation, she would come home unexpectedly with the knowledge that you might be dressed. It almost sounds like she was trying to 'catch' you doing something that she was already aware that you have been doing and that she's trying to avoid. You promised her that she wouldn't have to see it or know about it when you dressed, and yet she is aware that you DO dress when you have the opportunity, so why would she want to risk causing you to BREAK that promise by showing up unexpectedly?

Not trying to be mean here, just curious as to why she doesn't realize that your COULD be dressed if she popped in unannounced.

See if you can get her to read some of the information on my web site. MAYBE it will have an effect on the way she thinks about it.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Wendy me]

Dee. i have been fighting this same battle for a long time now my wife calls on her way home gives me some time to de wendy if you know what i mean .. for what it is worth i don't try to push the issue at all but when she brings it i say we can talk abought it not fight abought it ,.. if she has issues abought something we try to come to a understanding.. and we are makeing progress in small steps.... who knows may be one day she can accpete it ........good luck ...small steps....

[nancy58]

Dee,

I'm glad to hear you and your partner are beginning to talk about your dressing. She wasn't being fair -- but then, most people can be unfair when they're upset. My suggestion is that you continue to talk and to work out an arrangement that allows you to dress and your wife not to see you that way, if that's her wish. Not knowing about your dressing, of course, is not an option. She knows.

Part of your arrangement should be that you won't be dressed up at times she is expected home, and part should also be that she phone you (not the other way around) if she's coming home unexpectedly, or be willing to wait in the living room until you have gotten "decent" for her.

If you haven't done it, you should be sure your SO understands how much she means to you.

Do take care, and let us know how things progress.

Nancy